For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Re bereavement counseling, I’ve been seeing someone since my mum died in August last year. She said it’s never too late, it’s really when you feel you need it - she’s had clients that haven’t sought help for years after a death

I asked for sessions as initially I was ok, and then found myself going slightly mad with trying to process it all, 2 or so months after. It’s weirdly helpful and with no agenda - we’ve discussed mum’s death, family stuff, Christmas, my work and all sorts. It’s been helpful as she’s helped me connect some stuff I wouldn’t, and also validate it’s ok to have lots of feelings. The other benefit for me is someone impartial to talk to about the sadness / resentment / whatever. My family are dealing their own way, and I don’t feel I can really open up to friends, esp people who haven’t dealt with it before

My deepest condolences to you and your family. the pain is unreal I can relate and offer a virtual hug.
i lost contact with my dad, so my mum played both roles.
my brothers and I talk all the time and console each other, but me and my mum had such a close bond, she was part of my routine and it hurts so bad. I’m in total disbelief that this has happened!

My deepest condolences to you and your family. the pain is unreal I can relate and offer a virtual hug.
i lost contact with my dad, so my mum played both roles.
my brothers and I talk all the time and console each other, but me and my mum had such a close bond, she was part of my routine and it hurts so bad. I’m in total disbelief that this has happened!

My sincere condolences to you for the loss of your mum. This is the hardest thing I’ve dealt with in my life and I see no silver lining at the moment. It’s so hard to stay positive when you feel like your world is falling apart.

@LittleMy77 that’s excellent advice, I do think talking to someone not caught up in the grief is such a good idea. X
@Keekee72 i am so sorry, it is the hardest thing when the person you want to turn to to talk to is the person not there. It’s so very hard x

Hi all,

So sorry to those of you who have lost parents and posted here since my last post. I have read through your posts.

For those of you who have had counselling when did you start? I never had any after my Mum died but her death was natural and expected unlike my Dad’s. I did have some years ago after my baby died but I started that a year later. I can’t decide right now whether to wait. I feel like I read that the NHS does not count grief as anything but normally until after 6 months.

i am still struggling to sleep 3 months later. Waking up and going to sleep thinking of how my Dad died. His death was unexpected, kind of violent and unnatural, there is an ongoing investigation so it will be ages until I find out exactly what happened.

@Mepop I’ve read back through your posts and I’m so sorry you’ve lost both parents. Do you know your dad’s cause of death now? Is there someone to answer your questions?

My dad also died unexpectedly, he was 82 but so fit and well, still going to the gym 3 times a week and religiously looking after himself. We’ve gone to PALS at our local hospital to try and get answers. He was admitted on Christmas Day but sent home again Boxing Day and then died the next day. When I look back at it all I have a horrible feeling it could have been prevented. They couldn’t find anything wrong but now with post mortem and knowing how he died I think his symptoms should have been picked up. I think the thought that this could have been prevented is driving me insane.

I try to carry on but each day is a struggle. I think I will have counselling but I can’t do it yet. I don’t think any time is the right time, it’s probably just when you feel you can bear it? I think be kind to yourself is all I can say.

Hi all,

My dad died suddenly in Aug 23. He was 66 years old. He was found at home by my brother dead and he worked on him and so did the 2 ambulance crews but we think he had been dead for a few hours prior.

I was next of kin, so I've dealt with everything, paid for the funeral as he had no payment plan. Cleared the house, as it was council owned.

I had (as did my brother) a difficult relationship with my father. My parents split up when I was 11 and my brother 3. I stayed with dad to look after him and my brother went with mum.

I have a very very different memory of my childhood to my brother. I'm struggling to grieve. My brother is a mess.

I'm angry about an awful lot of things and the fact he shut me out towards the end as he was living in a hovel with bedbugs.

I didn't know, it was hidden from me so I'm also struggling with guilt of him dying like that and sleeping on mattresses on the living room floor.

I feel so conflicted and my head and heart hurts so much. I'm broken, holding it together for everyone else. I'm 43 and have an older family but I'm not coping.

This post is EXTREMELY outing, so if you read it and recognise me-know that this post is coming from a place of desperation.

I really empathise with you, @fevertotell, that is a lot of complex and painful situations to be coping with.

This particularly jumped out at me: "I stayed with dad to look after him and my brother went with mum."

No child should be put in that position. No wonder you are struggling with your feelings now. I'm so sorry.

I keep meaning to start a thread for those of us grieving parents who we had very difficult experiences with.

@fevertotell the exact same sentence stood out for me too, how does an 11 year old look after a grown man? I’m so sorry, that’s not how a childhood should be. My husband is the youngest of 3 and his parents split when he was about 5. He has very few memories other than playing cricket on a beach. His siblings have much worse memories of rows and worse. He has therefore a different feeling about his dad. Once he left he never saw him again. It’s perfectly reasonable to have different feelings and memories from siblings. I’m so sorry but from what you’ve written it is obvious you cared and looked out for your dad. You cannot help all the time, especially if he tried to hide things from you. I hope you and your brother can come to terms with all this x

Just wanted to hop on to this thread as the last one was almost full last time I had a look.

It's comforting in many ways so thank you to all who have posted and I'm very much sorry for the losses.

My mum died September last yr. A 4 month fight with stage 4 non Hodgkin's lymphoma. I did have a thread before she died. I then had another in the run up to Christmas.

I'd like to stay on this thread now.

I say fight but there wasn't time to fight it. Her diagnosis came at stage 4. Nothing was clear at any stage in Hospital.
Her mental health was shot throughout and it was utterly harrowing for weeks.

Anyway.

I am very glad it's February. January was hard.

God I'm so sad.

Xx

Hi all, I have just found this thread whilst scrolling the internet in despair trying to find some sort of help. I feel like I have hit rock bottom this week following a second miscarriage in 6 months. This is also following the death of my mum in July 2023 (she was aged 65). I feel like the grief from all of these events has suddenly hit me like a bus.

I have today managed to find a counsellor locally and have a telephone session booked with her on Thursday. Also I have signed up to 5 weeks of yoga and am going to start back running tonight.

Anyone else got any tips on how to get through this feeling of drowning in grief?? My poor DP tries to understand and help but he just gets the brunt of my anger / sadness / anxiety and I really don't want to subject him to anymore than I need to...

I don't know how I'm doing

Hi,

many years ago I had a stillbirth followed by 2 miscarriages. It was a very tough time. In retrospect I should have got help sooner but instead a year after the stillbirth I found myself bursting into tears randomly in public and realised I needed help. My GP suggested counselling and I found a charity that did counselling specifically for pregnancy related issues. It was so tough at first but really helped. I think counselling will help.

I don’t think I will ever get over my pregnancy losses but years later I have learnt to cope and even eventually had a successful pregnancy. I found each miscarriage brought up feelings of the stillbirth and imagine your miscarriage is making the grief for your mum sharper. Take it easy, a day at a time.

My mum died 4 years ago. I felt like I lost part of myself after she died. A friend I could tell anything. My Dad died much more recently and I am struggling and considering counselling although I can’t find anything in my area.

We have been told it could be up to a year maybe longer to get a final death certificate. We have an interim one but that does not explain what happened. There is a police investigation and the coroner’s investigation has been postponed until the outcome of the police one is known so we just have to wait and see. It is so tough, not knowing exactly what happened. I find myself thinking about what happened a lot.

Hi, I'm sorry for everyone's losses, it's so hard. I've lost both my parents, most recently my Mum early December age 93. She didn't cope after my Dad died due to her dementia. Lost my Dad in 2021. I am struggling today, I am thinking about planting seeds to grow vegetables and flowers....they were keen gardeners and not hear to answer my clueless questions. I've been tearful almost all day on and off and worrying about my 21 year old ds travelling, he phoned me feeling a bit lonely and I am really worried as he's not replied to my message asking if he's ok. I seem to have lost perspective and frightening myself with worst case scenarios.

Does anyone else feel after a couple of months the loss is really hitting you? I hardly slept at all last night.

I'm so sorry, @LightandAiry, that's a lot to cope with. I definitely found it hard after a few months.

Growing things sounds a good idea, as you say with that awareness of missing voices to advise. But it's still growth 🌱

I hope you get reassurance from your son soon.

@PeoniesLilac thank you for your comforting words. Yes I was anxious about ds but he's messaged me now.....I feel daft for being so anxious about him, he's quite vulnerable and has depression but is a grown man mostly having an amazing time.

@Mepop my Mum was my best friend. I would have done anything for her, I guess with time the grief isn't so raw but never easy. I am so sorry you have lost your Dad too 💐

@Takemetosunshine I hope the yoga is helpful, I am going today. Can I suggest trying Sound Baths? Meditation to the sound of gongs, gentle sounds also. I also have the Calm app, I like the 10 minute meditations and there is a series on grief. I am so sorry for your losses I hope the counselling is helpful 💐

I've just lost my mum. She was 79 and very frail with MS but succumbed to flu about ten days ago.
We didn't always have an easy relationship but there was only the two of us.
At the moment it's coming over me in waves. I'm trying to keep busy but she rung me every night at a certain time and that's hard. I'm going to try a new evening routine.

I'm so sorry, @petuniasandpetals. It is particularly hard when you've had a tricky relationship and when there isn't a wider family to support you.

Would lighting a candle be something in the evenings that is sort of hopeful but also remembers you mum?

Thank you. I am lighting candles x

I'm finding it really hard just now. Dad died on 24 March last year. All the dates in the diary just now just keep giving me thoughts of this time last year. He found out he had stage 4 cancer at beginning of March. He died 3 weeks later. It was so badly handled by the hospital, my heart breaks for what mum and dad (and me and my brother) went through. It feels really raw again just now.

Thanks to all for this thread. Lost my 85 year old mum almost 3 weeks ago. She was very frail with lung cancer and COPD and a fall combined with flu finished her off.

We've had the funeral last week which was in fact a lovely comforting day. But I feel a bit lost now despite having such a lot to still sort out.

Trying to support my dad whilst grieving myself and finding motivation to sort stuff is lacking. I have brothers but most of organising stuff down to me. Trying to be kind to myself and remember it's early days.

That sounds brutal, @Sohereitissuddenly. I'm so sorry.

I found a grief therapist called Megan Devine has some helpful advice. This might be worth a look:

-

I'm sorry, @haribosarebest.

Trying to be kind to myself and remember it's early days.

That sounds like a really good approach. Plus can you directly ask your brothers to take on a bit more?