For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hi everyone.

I haven’t posted for a little while, but with Father’s Day approaching tomorrow I just wanted to send those of us who have lost our dear Dad’s, a little strength to get through tomorrow. Personally for me, I have been avoiding looking at all the Father’s Day cards in the shops. It will be my third Father’s Day without my Dad and I still can’t believe he isn’t here. We lost my Dad in September 2021 and it was totally unexpected and the shock of losing him is still felt as deeply and as cruelly as the day it happened. Our lives won’t ever be the same.
Anyway, wishing everyone lots of love and strength for tomorrow xx

I have just totally lost it writing my Dad’s Father’s Day card. I don’t want him to go

@yesmen I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time.

@Owls912 and @Piscesmumma1978 you must both miss your dad so very much.

@Owls912 you're right, the people who get it are rare.

@AgapanthusWealthy that's so lovely that you've been able to take some comfort from other bereaved people with graves near your mum's.

I'm finding today incredibly tough. I'm going back through all my digital photos to find photos of my mum for the celebration of her life. There are hardly any photos of her, I can see there are times I visited her house but took photos of my kids, or of her dog, but hardly any of her.

It's breaking my heart that I didn't see as much of my mum as either of us wanted to, and that we weren't able to be in each other's lives in the way we craved, because of her becoming disabled when I was 23, and because her carer, my stepdad created a lot of obstacles to us spending time together.

Just a tip here but if anyone uses an I phone with Live Photo settings you can press on them with volume up and it’s like a really short video as I found many clips with dads voice in seemingly random photos I had taken when doing things for him . I’ve saved them all as videos but I know it’s these things like their voice which mean so much . Thinking of everyone tomorrow .

I’m going to try that tonight @Owls912 , I didn’t know I could do that and I’m desperate to hear more of my mum speaking.

@WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo i hope you do also if you know anyone else who uses I phone and would have photos they can look too.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning thinking of you

Sending love, light, strength and fortitude to those having to get through today, without their beloved dad ❤️

Thinking of you all today who have lost their precious dads. ❤️

Thank you @Crunchymum and @Thby2023 it is my third Father’s Day today without my amazing day and it still feels as raw as the first.
How are you @Crunchymum ? xx

I'm okay @LucyintheSky21

Plodding along, it's coming up to 4 years now, which doesn't seem possible.

My youngest sibling has since had two beautiful children my mum never got to meet. It seems so unfair. But I know my mum wanted only good things for us all so I try to re-frame my thinking as much as I can.

The hurt and sadness never fully goes away but the raw, "head in a vice / cannot breath" grief does ease.

It's my birthday today and I always miss my mum so much on special days. I miss her everyday of course but the child in me just wants a cuddle from my mum on my birthday.

Oh Happy Birthday @Crunchymum xx I hope you have managed to have a good day. I know exactly what you mean as I feel the same about my Dad when it’s special occasions. I know he’d want us to be happy and carry on celebrating without him, but there’s always that dull ache without them and it isn’t the same.
mum a little behind you, but not that far. Like you say, you can’t believe that 4 years have passed. It will be 3 years for me in September and I just can’t get my head around it. I still feel like my Dad is coming back. I feel like that all the time, like he’s just somewhere else right now.
I always read your posts and wish I could sound as positive and hopeful as I feel your posts are. I just can’t see any light at the end of any tunnel yet. Like you, I don’t feel that gut-wrenching raw agony that I felt in the first few weeks, but I feel constantly flat and deflated and fed up since Dad has been gone. As much as I try, nothing in life is as good or as fun or as happy without him here. I sometimes wonder if it will always feel like that.
Your mum will be watching you all and she will be so happy to see that your younger sibling has had two children. I do believe that they watch us and see what is happening. It’s just a shame they can’t speak to us xx

@Crunchymum happy birthday, I totally get the birthday thing. My mum had an old knackered birthday candle which played Happy Birthday in a very tinny way! I would always get an early morning phone call on my birthday with the candle trying its best... this year was my first without.
I hope you managed to have a good day xx

My Dad has gone into the hospice. We aren’t sure whether it’s for symptom management or end of life. He seems a little too perky for end of life, we thought weeks but not days.
I don’t think they entirely know either. They said they will see how he goes, they are trying more laxatives, anti sickness, steroids, morphine. He’s on a syringe driver for morphine and anti sickness.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning oh bless you, I’m sorry. Fingers crossed he will come out soon. Glad he’s perky. I followed hospice nurse Julie and Hadley on TikTok. It was so so comforting- I read their books after the fact too. Defo recommend watching x

Hi all, this is my first time posting here, sorry it's a long one. I've been trying to find a suitable online space to talk openly about grief. My Dad died 5 weeks ago. He was one of the healthiest 67 year olds and cancer really went for it over the past two years. He ended up coming out of hospital to have end of life care at home and it was really bloody hard for us looking after him for the final days. His funeral was last week and now I am back at work but really it's far too soon, but I don't have any more sick leave to take.
To add to this, my sister-in-law died on Sunday so my husband is having to take unpaid leave to go to spend time with his family. Neither of us have family nearby so we've both been having to take time away, havent had a full day of both of us at home in over a week.Our kids are 6 and 8 and the 8yo in particular is struggling. So hard to try to comfort them when I don't have the words even for myself.

@AlboRH I’m sorry for the loss of your lovely Dad

@AlboRH I'm so sorry to hear about your devastaing loss. It's so hard when you feel like you should habe had so mcuh more time with them.

I lost my mum 6 weeks agao. I'm back to work as well and finding it hard to focus. I feel like I can't just accept it and get back to 'normal' life. It seems like a betrayal, like I should be resisting and fighting it and never accept it. I don't know if that makes sense to you?

My children are older (20s) so I don't have the demand to keep going for them that you have. It must be hard to just have no space to focus on yourself.

My husband is being a total rock, so I can imagine not having yur DH around is making it all so muhc harder.

Over the next few weeks s yuor DH is back, you'll start to find times for your grief. I'm already finding it's coming in in unpredictable waves but the spaces between waves are getting slightly longer.

My friend said to me: no one preapres you for this, and she was so right.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning I hope your dad continues to get the best care possible and that you your time with him continues to be so loving.
Such a hard time for you.

@AgapanthusWealthy thanks for your message, it is reassuring to hear from someone in a similar situation. I'm sorry about your mum and that you are also finding work hard. I wish I had a less busy job, I'm not able to multitask well at all at the moment and I'm also finding it hard to care, if that makes sense? Work just doesn't seem to matter now.
I would like to quit and get a simpler job, but I doubt that would pay the bills- and also I don't know how long I'll feel this way?
Does anyone have any experience of going to grief cafes or online bereavement groups? I feel like I might benefit from talking to others, but also don't know if l will leave them feeling worse.

I haven't been to any grief groups, but I have been spending time with friends who have lost parents and that actually helps. They understand and have talked mme through what it was like for them, and I can see that they are now enjoying life again, albeit always missing their parent. So that has helped me be hopeful.

I've also found comfort from people I've met through the funeral and at the graveyard who are grieving and we've bonded in shared grief even though we don't know each other. Whihc I really didin't expect.

I've also found reading this thread and sharing my expereince on here helpful.

So I can imagine that grief groups work in a similar way in RL. You connect with others and feel less alone.
I certainly feel lonely in my grief and the connection with others who are going through it has helped ease that lonliness.

@AlboRH I'm sorry that you've had to join this thread. I'm sure that all of the posters here wish they were not members of this dreadful grief club.

My mum died unexpectedly in early May and we have an event to celebrate her life this coming weekend.

Once that's out of the way and I've had some space and time, I'll think about whether to access online support. I found out about a grief cafe and an interesting app where you can get group counselling. But like you, I have some reservations.

I feel the same about work, it's difficult to care about it, I often felt like that before my mum died too, but the feeling is stronger now and I feel like I'm letting things slide which I've never done before.

@AgapanthusWealthy having the graveyard to go to sounds a positive thing. It's great that you can connect with others there.

After my mum's celebration I'm going to try and brave some more social meetings (I haven't met with any friends since my mum died), though I feel I only want to have meet-ups with others who have lost parents and understand what it feels like.

I hope everyone else on this thread is getting by, day by day.

My mum died yesterday. I miss her so much already. She didn’t want to leave me and her grandchildren but her cancer was terminal. I did get the chance for a proper goodbye, hug and kiss before she became unconscious. Every time I think of the last look she gave me, as if she knew she was looking at me for the last time, it is like a punch in the stomach.

I’m glad she’s at peace now but it doesn’t give me any comfort because selfishly I want her here.

@Sourisblanche I'm so sorry. I understand what you mean. Those memories stay with you. It's heartbreaking but also a beautiful thing that you could be there.

I torture myself with trying to remember the last moment I had with my Dad. It was so busy in the hospital, he wasn't really conscious and he went downhill so fast. It's a year ago and it is still kills me. I had some time with him but wish I had been able to be there more and longer. It was so very hard.

I'm crying now thinking about it.

Sitting in the hospice while my Dad sleeps. He’s on a syringe driver for pain and sickness.
The worry we have now is that if he isn’t deteriorating quickly enough they will want to discharge him and we will have to either find a care home or have him at home which I’m not sure my mum can cope with.
He’s so very tired, in so much pain and so unlike his usual self I wish for his sake it was over. Is that awful?
At the same time I am absolutely heartbroken at the thought of being without him. I love him so much.