For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=39&reply=130357515

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Sohereitissuddenly I think it's normal to grieve for someone just as it happens, if you shed tears every day then that's what you need to come to terms with your lose. Sadly, I haven't cried nearly enough for my losses, each death come too close to the others and I think I've just buried too much now, I think one day I'll just lose it and cry for hours.
I'm very sorry for all your losses, the death of a parent changes you. I look around me now and my whole life is changed

Does anyone else feel very very lonely in all of this ? I have some support from a very few family members and my partner but nearly all of the people I expected to be there for me who said they would haven’t been and I also feel like after so many weeks people are tired /bored of me mentioning my dad . He died so suddenly him and my mother are separated so I don’t have the whole focus on the other parent grief which I think helped my own parents deal with losing my grandparents . I’ve not been at work either and I work in the sort of job where you deal with other peoples bad life circumstances and unpredictable situations and I don’t have it in me right now even to think what to have for dinner . But I worry work think I am taking the piss but even my bosses at work still have their parents not one person my my large team has lost a parent .

Thank you@Daleksatemyshed . You're right. I think my grief is wrapped up with other things too. Life is such a tangle and death is part of it. Grief is a strange thing.

@Owls912 yes, I feel quite alone but I am alone really. I have no partner. I have friends but I don't see them much as I have a chronic illness. My mum is completely I'm her own grief and I can't communicate with my sibling anymore. I have a counsellor and some friends on the phone who are kind.

I did feel terribly hurt at the time dad died. I had to travel home the day he died for a bunch of reasons. It was awful. My parents were (mum is) hundreds of miles from me. I got back and felt nobody here knew him or cared. I had maybe three cards. Nothing from work. It was awful.

But I've felt truly alone for a few years now. It hit me during the pandemic when I had no bubble and since Dad died it's really hit me that when mum goes, I don't really have anyone much. It's hard going through life without a partner but then I know they're not always helpful. There's some strength in knowing you can be alone. We all are I suppose, ultimately.

@Owls912 do what you need to. Sod work. Sadly those that don't get it now, will do one day.

At least we can be here for each other on the thread. Thank you @Crunchymum .

@Sohereitissuddenly I can relate to so much you have said in your post. I do have a chronic illness but it doesn't normally stop me seeing people however the ones I thought would be there haven't and the ones I didn't think could be have. it doesn't mean I want them to be and I know that sounds ridiculous. There's no way I can explain it!

I also love what you've said about work. It is so true of me as well, the ones that don't get it will one day.

Yes @Owls912 I feel very lonely with my grief.

Like you @Sohereitissuddenly my home is hundreds of miles from where my mum lived, and nobody in my home town knew her.

My DH and my two DC knew my mum, but I feel like my DH is bored of listening to me talking about my grief now, and sick of me crying. My youngest DC wasn't close to my mum and is oblivious to my pain. My eldest is more sensitive but doesn't live with me and has a busy life.

I'm an only child, and for various reasons, there aren't any people who were friends or family of my mum's that I can share my feelings with.

I envy those with big close families, or people from other cultures that are better at uniting in grief. I watched a programme called Grayson Perry: Rites of Passage that showed funeral rituals from somewhere else in the world (can't remember which country). I felt envious of the large community that gathered around the dead person's body and mourned together. (Warning, the programme will definitely cause tears if you have recently lost someone)

Hi Everyone

Sorry for your losses. My dad passed away suddenly to meningitis of April his funeral is on Monday

@EveningSunlight like you I am dreading the funeral the family has completely broken down and there have been so much conflict and fall outs leading up to the funeral it is really making this process unbearable

@Owls912 I too feel that I have little support from family members my own mom (parents split when I was young) has been very distant when she knows how close I was to my dad. My friends have been so amazing and supportive though I don't know what I would have done without them

Because of everything thats on going with all the drama I feel I have not been able to grieve and it will definitely hit me hard after the funeral. I took a few weeks off work and thought I was ready to go back but couldn't cope so have been signed of until next month.

My mums funeral is Tuesday @Fajita123
Like you we have complicatdedfamily dynamics which will make it harder.

I'm finding myself feeling irrationally jelaous of people with big families, or people who still have their mum.

I am lucky that I have my DH who is a wonderful support so I am not alone., and yet I still feel lonely, so I can imagine how much harder it is for you @Owls912

I also have my dad to focus on which I appreciate is a blessing. But I have found myself starting to resent him: inwardly crying 'what about me??'

I'm also having big complicated emotions about my mum. We were close and loved each other very much, but we also argued at times and got on each others nerves, neither of us was straight forward. I find myself swinging between overwhleming loss because she was the most beuatiful loving mother ever, then irrationally focusing on some hurt from the past and feeling angry with her. Then crushing guilt for being so self absorbed and full of self pity.

Is anyone else experiencing a variety of overwhelming emotions about thier parent?

@Fajita123 and @AgapanthusWealthy sorry to hear that you both have complex family dynamics too.

Today I feel exhausted, being this emotional for just over four weeks (one while my mum was in the hospital, three and a bit since she died) is gruelling. I feel I'm only just getting by, going through the motions trying to exist as usual, going to work, organising the celebration of my mum's life, trying to keep up with cleaning and life admin. But it's like there's a fog hanging between me and the world, like I'm not really in it properly, I'm just pretending.

I seem to have three modes at the moment - 1. crying and feeling emotional pain, 2. numb and feeling nothing or 3. slightly manic and hyper and pretending everything is ok.

I can't imagine ever being normal again, I yearn for a normal, boring day when I was just moaning about something ordinary like my job being dull or annoying. I want the old me back. And I want my mum.

It’s 7.26 and I’m already having a bad morning. My mum passed suddenly on the 2nd of March she was only 62. We were a very close family. I’m 30 and I had a baby in December who my mum adored. Anyway she’s not sleeping great at the moment, I’m exhausted and she’s falling asleep now but I’ll have to wake her up to take my son to school. It probably sounds selfish but I need her for the support and the logistical things. I would have asked her to take my son to school or look after my baby so I can rest. Or to cry to and get advice from when it’s getting too much and ask about baby sleeping etc. I need my mum now more than ever. My sisters just had a baby and can’t take her. I’ll be honest I’m just about coping and getting through the day but there’s sometime where I just weep and think I need my mum and want her desperately.

@Thby2023 so sorry for your loss. It's so unfair that you've lost your mum so young, just when you needed her most.

Oh @Thby2023 I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum. I felt I had to comment as your post resonated with me somewhat. I lost my Mum coming up for 18m ago, suddenly and totally unexpected. Her first gc, my baby was 3 months old at the time. She was absolutely besotted and was the happiest I'd seen her for a while after a messy divorce (not my Dad). She was just getting her life back on track and had so much to live for. She was robbed, I was robbed as was her gc.

I'm not sure how I got through the next 9m. As an only child, funeral prep and house clearance all fell to me with a 3mo. It was tough, and even now I still think about her everyday, some days it's happy memories and others it's how much I miss her and wish she was still here. What did help comfort me was thinking how Mum had brought me up has shaped the Mum that I am, I know she'd be strong and would want me to the best Mum that I can and being the Mum she was has in some sense shaped me to know that I can get through it. I won't be the same person I was before she died, will always carry that sense of loss and grief, but through her love and support has helped give me the coping mechanisms that I can carry on without her, and I know that is what she would want. This was what helped me in my darkest days of grief and sleep deprivation.

It will feel hollow for me to say this, but it does get easier in that you learn to live with the grief, not to say it doesn't bubble over every now and again, I had a cry yesterday while out with the dog.

Your doing great for both your children and I'm sure your Mum would be very proud.

@Chocolatecookiemonster that's a beautiful post.
My grief is quite new and raw but your post helps to inspire me to to believe it will get better and I can use memories of my mum to help.

It still feels so hard right now, but others sharing their expreiences really does help.

@Thby2023 how hard for you with your baby that your mum adored. I'm sure the love she gave you will flow through you to your baby. But you must miss her so much.

I'm a few years in since my mum died and been coping well, been through counseling and had lots of great support from family and friends.

My dad has recently met someone and it's brought my grief back again. So silly as I want him to be happy. But I suddenly really, really miss my mum! Such weird feelings.

That must be very strange @toycat - I'm not sure how well I'd cope if my stepdad met someone else, I'd feel like my mum was being replaced. I hope you can move through the difficult feelings and get to a place where you feel comfortable with this.

Hi. I am beside myself.

i don t even remember when she died. It i think it was 4 to six weeks ago.

I just cannot believe this.

i cannot stop crying. I have a terrible and constant headache. I am getting very snappy at home. I do not know how to process this or what to do.

This is so hellish really struggling with missing my dad today even things like making dinner reminds me of him . It feels like missing a part of you every minute of the day

I think it gets weirdly worse. My dad died unexpectedly in April. It feels like my life has completely changed for good.

i don’t think I’ll ever used to it x

@Piscesmumma1978 that’s when my dad died too suddenly and unexpectedly and the last week and this week have been so bleak and empty . X

@Owls912 We didn’t expect dad to die. I never thought he wouldn’t be here.

I’m sorry you’re going through it as well. It’s just horrible isn’t it. Until you lose a parent you have no idea what it’s like x

I know what you mean @Owls912 about making dinner.
It's the every day and the ordinary that leaves me almost doubled over in pain.
I managed to get through the funeral this week, but have been reduced to a sobbing wreck using the salt cellar she bought.

I drove past the school my children used to go to where she'd frequently pick them up for me. The pain was unbearable.
I just long for those days again: her fit and healthy my children young, all loving each other.
But those days have gone and I feel like the best part of my life is over and I'll never be truly happy again.

@Piscesmumma1978 we didn't expect mum to die either.
This week I stood next to her grave thinking: 6 weeks ago we didn't even know you were ill. How can this have happened to us?

Weirdly I have found the graveyard comforting. Looking at the loss of others expressed on graves, their love and grief helps me to understand this is something I share with many people. I didn't expect to find solace in the shared experience, but I have.

Thank you for this perspective on visiting graves. My Dads funeral was on Monsay and I'm planning to visit his grave on father's day ❤️

I hope you find some comfort there.

I'm finding that people speak to me there. A women this morning commented on the beautiful flowers. When I told her it was my mum she came over and told me about losing her mother and her husband. We both cried and she gave me a hug.
Then I've met the couple who's son has just been buried next to my mum, and a chap who lost his wife at the start of covid.
There's a little community of the bereaved that I didn't know existed and have sadly joined. But sharing the sadness does help.

It's like a RL version of this thread!

@AgapanthusWealthy weirdly one of the most helpful chats I’ve had was with the florist for my dads flowers she had lost her husband 3 years ago and I found her probably the most sympathetic person I spoke to for a while . The people who ‘get it ‘ are amazing but very rare I find .

@Owls912 my most empathetic chat has been with the women organising the funeral. She is about the same age as me. Lost her dad last year and is looking after her mum.

She seemed to just get the sense of emptiness. But also gave me some hope for the future.

She might just be really good at her job! Or we just really understood each other.
Now the funeral is over I feel sad I won't see her anymore, she was such a comfort.

You find connection with the fellow bereaved in unexpected ways.