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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

DH died today and I don’t know what to do

523 replies

Pleasedontdothat · 31/10/2023 18:26

He’d just turned 57 and was really fit but he’d been feeling vaguely under the weather for the last few days. I ended up taking him to a&e this morning as he had severe abdominal pain overnight but all his blood tests etc came back normal and they sent him home with instructions to see the GP. He went upstairs to have a lie down then said he was having a shower. I was downstairs on work calls. A couple of hours later I went upstairs to see if he wanted something for lunch and realised the shower was still running. I called out but no answer so went into the bathroom to find him collapsed on the floor - he was obviously dead. I don’t know how I’m going to cope . No point in this post but in some ways it’s easier than telling wider family and friends

OP posts:
SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 31/10/2023 22:36

I am so sorry. This is so sad. Hope you have enough support.

Crispynoodle · 31/10/2023 22:42

So very sorry for this unimaginable loss. For the lady wondering if her husband could have been saved in circumstances like this is likely that your husband suffered a catastrophic event that caused death immediately so he wouldn't have suffered at all. There would be nothing you could have done. Now it's time to surround yourself with family and friends and allow them to care for you Flowers

Rewindthefilm · 31/10/2023 22:44

I am so, so sorry OP. Sending strength xx

DollyPartonsLeftTit · 31/10/2023 22:51

So very sorry for your heartbreaking loss @Pleasedontdothat . Sending you so much strength for the coming hours, days and weeks ahead. Condolences and love to you and your family. xo 💜

FlamingoQueen · 31/10/2023 22:54

I’m so sorry for your loss x Flowers

Motherofalittledragon · 31/10/2023 22:55

I'm so very sorry for your loss, what an awful shock

Mammyloveswine · 31/10/2023 22:57

Oh @Pleasedontdothat I'm so sorry! You will be in shock and likely not even processing it all yet! My mam died suddenly aged 67 in very similar circumstances-I still can't believe it.

Please be kind to yourself and take it day, hour, minute, second at a time.

💕💕💕💕

UmmRitvik · 31/10/2023 22:58

Hope someone is with you.
call Good Samaritans or some helpline if you are not sure what to do next

Tlittle · 31/10/2023 22:58

Thinking of you.❤️

ScottBakula · 31/10/2023 23:01

I posted up thread , here are the things I found useful .
It is to soon for you to worry about most of this now but hopefully when you are ready you can come back to this post and find some useful advice.

https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment
This is a one off payment , then monthly payments for ( i think) a year . This money is not means tested at all and can be spent on what ever you want .
It is very easy to claim and gets payed straight into your bank account , it will not affect any benefits you have.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once
If you have this service ( unfortunately not all councils do have ) all you need to do is fill in the form once and they will let all of the relevant groups know . this saves lot of time , hassles and repeating yourself.

If your DH has a will contact whomever holds it and tell them and ask what the next step is , my DH did not have a will so I can not advice much more on this subject, .

Because your DH died at home it is very likely that a post mortem will have to be carried out , tis can take quite a while ( it took them 7 weeks for my DH's) so ask for several interim death certificates .
You will need them at banks to close / alter bank accounts
Rent / mortgage payments
Council tax amendments
car insurance / selling or scrapping car
and anything else official that has your DHs name on that needs to be cancelled / altered

All of the above places will only accept original , do not photocopy them .

Go through Dhs bank account and look for any subscriptions that can be cancelled , ones to gyms, magazines, clubs , affiliations etc .
Also check and cancel any orders he has made to amazon , ebay , etc .

Start discussing with close family what to do about the funeral / cremation , what do you want , where , when , and a rough list of who / numbers . this can be amended and finalised later but its a good idea to discuss it early on so that nobody has a set plan in their mind and doesn't want to change it.
YOU have last say in what happens but try to be sympathetic to DCs , MIL / FIL Dh;s siblings etc .
If tempers get heated during this discussion tell everyone that you all need a break and will discuss it at x time when tempers have cooled . Nobody benefits from arguments about tis kind of thing.

Keep two small ( different looking ) note pads with you at all times .
one to fill in with your thoughts / emotions / memories , write everything down no matter how sad , angry , lonely , happy you feel , I read back through mine ever now and then and it reminds me of the hell I went through and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you have DCs ask them to add to it or keep their own if they are old enough .
The other is a To Do list , the strangest things will pop into your head that need doing some surrounding your DH , other more mundane things like shopping list docs appointments , DCs school stuff .

If he is listed as your next of kin at work , on your phone or else where get that changed to your DCs if they are old enough / parents / siblings / PIL

There is absolutely no doubt that this first few days are going to be incredibly tough, I really hope you have someone you can lean on.
For me it was my DB , we have always been close but my god without him to help me through it there is no way I would of coped .

That said , the reason I joined MN is because I needed advice he couldn't give and I also need to say some things about my DH and my family and so called friends that I couldn't say in real life .

So like many be for me and many after , please feel free to rant , curse , cry , laugh , question , and what ever else you need .
There are lots of us out hear waiting to help and and advise .

Bereavement Support Payment

Bereavement Support Payment is money you can get if your partner dies - how it works, eligibility, what you'll get, how to claim.

https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

828Pax · 31/10/2023 23:01

I am so, so sorry for your loss OP xx

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/10/2023 23:01

I'm so very sorry, my heart goes out to you

WhatToDo82 · 31/10/2023 23:04

I am so so sorry OP. I know people who have been through this and I know that although difficult days, weeks, months and years are ahead, time will make things ever so slightly easier as you grieve.

Please consider someone to talk to like talking therapy through your gp, and of course never feel bad for leaning on friends and family during the difficult times ahead.

You will cope, and you and the children will be fine although not the same as before, that’s only natural. But I can tell you from my friends who have gone through this that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will be okay.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 31/10/2023 23:05

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have no advice to offer, but will hold you in my thoughts xx

Desperatenow1 · 31/10/2023 23:08

Oh my love....

I am so very sorry 🙁😢

Sebsaloysius · 31/10/2023 23:08

Adding my thoughts, OP. I'm so sorry x

RaininginDarling · 31/10/2023 23:10

What a terrible shock.I am so very sorry for your loss, you poor darling. 💐

Loubelle70 · 31/10/2023 23:10

Oh OP...I am so so sorry. How heartbreaking for you...just wanted to send my love ♥️ xxx

MrsPerfect12 · 31/10/2023 23:12

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Spirtedaway · 31/10/2023 23:13

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Sunday12 · 31/10/2023 23:17

I’m so sorry op. This is dreadful and shocking for you. Words can’t express much at all but I am thinking of you and wish you strength and comfort

Iwant2move · 31/10/2023 23:19

I’m so incredibly sorry.
My husband was killed in a car crash almost six years ago.
It is horrific. My heart goes out to you and your children.

feelingfree17 · 31/10/2023 23:19

What an awful shock for you.
I am so very sorry 💐 x

ClaudiaWinklepants · 31/10/2023 23:24

I'm so sorry for your loss, you are in my thoughts.

Purplebunnie · 31/10/2023 23:30

I am so very sorry

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