To be really fucked off with all my friends but one in particular

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

Hi NC for this as couple of friends are on here and I don’t want it linked to other posts as would be outing.

I am feeling utterly pissed off at my friendship group but particularly my best friend. At the very start of the year something absolutely horrific happened to me, a very sudden death, and it was truly the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening to me. The magnitude of what had happened was and is incomprehensible. It’s turned mine, and everyone else’s, lives upside down. I say everyone else because the death was that sudden and that much of a shock, as someone was so healthy and so broadly loved and well known, it actually made the paper.

Last year was an incredible year for me. My friends and I were travelling frequently together, seeing each other for either a holiday or a night out bi-monthly, travelling with family a lot, business was booming, I’d lost a significant amount of weight, I was looking and feeling better than ever. Mental health was great and I was able to spend a lot of money on people (maybe relevant may not) Then this year my life feels like it’s been shook about and thrown up in the air. It is a stark contrast from where I was last year in every way.

My friends this year: crickets.

I haven’t seen any of them once except for at a friends wedding, I could count on one hand how many times any of them have called me this year. When at the wedding it was “aww I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other”. Granted most of them haven’t seen each other either it’s not just me (some have who are the closer out of the group) it’s a weird scenario as we were all so close. I just feel pissed of that no one’s bothered to come round or check in, I’m not wanting a hand hold through life but ffs a 5 minute call every week or so to check im coping would be nice?

Brings me to my best friend who is separate from my “friendship group”. We have been friends since we were young, tell each other everything and have really been there for each other in life. At the start after the loss, she was by my side and staying with me, but since this I’ve not seen her or heard from her much. We both have kids who are the same age with a month between them who have never met (since small babies), she refuses to go anywhere with the kids as she wants us to have “child free time”. Which I think is really odd. For reference I am 32 she is 35 our boys are 4. She seems to only want to see me if it involves drinking. A few months back I got upset and told her I worry she sees me as a friend only in a social capacity, she lost it started crying and said she would never think of me like that and was highly offended. I’ve had a conversation with her about how I feel like I’ve been forgotten about by all my friends, no one has bothered with me and my life feels like it’s falling apart. She apologised and said she will make more of an effort. It lasted about 2 weeks then nothing. She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text b) prefer phone calls and call her regularly

aibu to just give them all both barrels? I know it’s probably unreasonable and my emotions getting the better of me but I’m so fucked off with how I’m ok to be the party fun friend and everyones go to when they have problems but when I have a problem no one’s there!

aibu to just give them all both barrels?

why bother? Seriously. Your definition of really good friends and a best friend is very different to mine.

They were with you for the good times. Not the bad times.

find new friends

Sums it up well.

Giving them both barrels won't achieve anything, people don't move toward a source of anger, it'll likely push them further away.

I am truly sorry for your loss and what you've been through.

I text, I don't do phone calls. Just because thats your preference doesn't mean it's suits everyone else. If you don't reply people stop bothering.

In all honesty, I can absolutely accept that from the wider circle as it seems I am just a social friend sadly. But my best friend is who I’m most shocked at. I’ve been there for so much crap in her life, literally bent over backwards for her through her PND, buying all kinds of things for her son, taking her on holidays etc. I know she has things going on herself this year but ffs it’s just sad and hurtful!

I think this is quite common after someone has been bereaved. It doesn’t make it ok but I say it so that you know that it’s not particular to you. It’s a known thing.

I’m sorry for your loss.

She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text b) prefer phone calls and call her regularly

Yabu. Sorry about your loss but who gave you the right to treat people like this and expect better. How do you know that everyone else isn't busy like you?? And you can carry a conversation over text, something I much prefer because a 5min can easily lead to 30min especially if you are needing support.

Your definition of really good friends and a best friend is very different to mine.

I do think this is sometimes one of the problems, and one that can lead to a lot of the threads on here which complain about not having friends.

A big turning point for me was when I realised and accepted that friendships, while they should be supportive, aren’t therapeutic. This is a general point and isn’t one that is aimed specifically at the situation @Shouldistayorshouldi describes, but friends are there for the good times because that’s largely the point of friendships. They are supposed to be enjoyable and bring us pleasure and bluntly, when this ceases to be the case, people do disappear.

It is hard to make a judgement call without knowing the specific circumstances but while it does sound as if you’ve been let down, abruptly cutting off friends who you sound as if you have an established history with may not be for the best either. Only you can know what option is best.

All of this, and if you had a go at me op I would tell you to go do your dramatics elsewhere

Your wider friendship group do sound a bit rubbish, and I would understand if you viewed them differently as a result, but I'm not sure your best friend has done much wrong. You say she was there for you when you suffered the loss, and she is still keen to meet up with you now. She sounds like she is trying to keep in touch, just not necessarily in the way you would prefer. If she prefers to be in touch by text, you can hardly expect her to just go with your preferred method of communicating. Likewise, if her preference is meeting without DC, and yours is with them, it doesn't make you right and her wrong, just different.

I wouldn't be giving anyone both barrels though, it won't benefit anyone and will probably just make you feel worse. I understand how you feel. I suffered a family bereavement earlier this year, and as a result discovered that a friend of 20 years actually couldn't give a damn when things got tough. It hurts, but I think it is depressingly common.

I don't think it will achieve much. They will just withdraw further.

Many people are not comfortable talking about or dealing with death. They can do the initial stuff but then are unsure how to proceed. They are still going out, having a good time (as they should be), but aren't sure if they should invite you for fear of being seen as insensitive, or not invite you but that feels like excluding you.

Perhaps rather than giving them both barrels, you could send them an update, saying 'just getting back into the swing, it would be nice to meet for a drink.'

Tell them what you need. Spell it out. Most friends will respond to that.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm honestly not sure what you can do about it. Your friendship group sounds much more shallow than what you hoped, I've had the same experience and it's hurtful. I now enjoy their company for a night out but know to expect little. I think letting them have a piece of your mind will only drive them further so its a case of accept it or step away.

As for best friend, i really don't know. I think you guys are close enough to talk it through. One point- if someone didn't reply to my msg I would take that as a very clear I don't give a shit about you. Maybe you didn't meant it but your pal may feel very let down by you. I presume its not 10 pointless messages a day, that's different. But if I msg a friend I haven't talked to in a few weeks to see how they are etc and it's ignored that pisses me off a lot.

Some friendships evolve, some fizzle out.

However I think you need to look a little closer to home OP. You seem to begrudgingly acknowledge she has things going on and you don't text back....

Tbh I don't think your second friend has done much wrong- she was there at the start and it does sound like shes tried texting you since but your "to busy" to text her so she's stopped bothering? It's not odd to not want to meet up with the kids either.... the first friendship group sounds shit though

Sorry but YABU

Your best friend is trying but because its not in the completely prescriptive way you want (phone calls only, frequency determined by you, activities determined by you) you're ready to cut her off?

If you were my friend I'd be incredibly sorry for what you'd been through but also inclined to keep you at arms length due to these histrionics

And I also prefer texting and hate phonecalls with a passion, if you routinely didn't text me back I'd assume you weren't interested.

This. Sorry OP but you sound very hard work in this scenario. I text and message friends all the time. Sometimes this ‘check in’ will lead to a conversation in person on the phone when both parties are free. I never ring just on a whim hoping someone might be free. That’s how social interaction has moved on since we have better and different platforms to communicate with.

Im very sorry for your loss. It sounds like youve had a really tough time. 💐

My advice is to not do anything while you're feeling like this. You've had a traumatic loss and that is going to make your emotions go all over the place. I know that when my parent died suddenly it took me a good year to start to feel back on an even keel.

Yes, your friends have been shit. If they're all around the same ages as you, they might not have experienced something similar in their own lives. In my experience, people just don't know - and I mean really know- what it's like until its happened to them. For me, the support came from other people who'd lost a parent, not the people who had been closest to me before they died.

Maybe you will want to reassess some friendships further down the road, but for now, I'd advise sitting with it and not making any hasty decisions.

You don't reply to text messages because you're "busy".

Maybe they got fed up with you ignoring them and are now too busy to include you in their lives.

You seem to want friendship on your terms only, and it doesn't work like that.

Sorry didn’t expect so many replies so quickly so just to sum up:

I have spoken to my best friend about it she said she’ll try and make more of an effort, I have said I will also try and respond to texts better. She works 2 days per week and child is in pre school so yes she does have more time on her hands than me. I work 5/6 days and run 2 businesses so I’ll often call her to try and make arrangements but my call just gets ignored. We don’t see each other with or without kids and whilst my preference is absolutely without kids, we don’t see each other regardless so we might as well take them to a play centre while we catch up and hopefully make plans for just us two.

all of my friends know my door is always open and I frequently invite them to call in for a coffee etc. I have always very much had an open door policy for all my friends. However I don’t feel as if I could just pop round to any of there houses. Probably a drip feed but my best friend lives a 5 minute walk from me. She’s also walked past my partner in the street and just done a sort of grin in passing which is bizarre.

and I know everyone has had things going on this year, and really have tried my best to be there and support despite what’s going on with me but there’s still just radio silence. I don’t know if they feel bad moaning about their smaller problems or what but they know I wouldn’t ever see it like that

I hate talking on the phone. Its so intrusive and especially every day. I like texting. Its quiet and can be carried out all day in quiet times. You are at fault here but seek to blame everyone else. Sorry for your loss but you seem to think that gives you the right to run friendships on your terms only. Tbh Id find you rather tiresome to deal with, which seems like your friends have already decided. Sorry

Well I reply to them all (which there aren’t that many of) when I get an hour to sit down and can actually respond. Why would I send a generic vapid text when I want to listen and engage with my friend? If I’m going to respond to a text I need to be able to actually engage and not just send a generic response no?

Bad times can show you who your friends are. Your friendship group doesn’t sound great.
But that said, think you need to text back, also maybe some of them may be having bad times themselves.?

Sorry for your loss, it's always a hard period for everyone concerned

Bit if you didn't text me back I'd assume you don't want to talk.

I hate unplanned phone calls and would certainly not choose to call someone else out of the blue. It doesn't mean I don't care.

I'd take you not texting back as an end to a conversation not an invitation to call.

I think you're expecting others to know your preferred communication style, frequency etc but not thinking about theirs.

I suspect that in your grief you've got very focused on you and aren't quite as tuned in to others wants and needs at the moment. I hope it gets easier over time

This is really helpful, thank you x

You don't need an hour to respond to a text message, 20 seconds will do!

someone earlier posted that friend are not therapeutic and I really think this is what you need to listen to. They are not your support group and you probably are not to them either.

Appreciate the good stuff that they offer and don’t be angry at what they can’t offer. There’s really no point. You only end up feeling resentful and the only person that hurts is you.

I think we all learn this over time.