To be really fucked off with all my friends but one in particular

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

Hi NC for this as couple of friends are on here and I don’t want it linked to other posts as would be outing.

I am feeling utterly pissed off at my friendship group but particularly my best friend. At the very start of the year something absolutely horrific happened to me, a very sudden death, and it was truly the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening to me. The magnitude of what had happened was and is incomprehensible. It’s turned mine, and everyone else’s, lives upside down. I say everyone else because the death was that sudden and that much of a shock, as someone was so healthy and so broadly loved and well known, it actually made the paper.

Last year was an incredible year for me. My friends and I were travelling frequently together, seeing each other for either a holiday or a night out bi-monthly, travelling with family a lot, business was booming, I’d lost a significant amount of weight, I was looking and feeling better than ever. Mental health was great and I was able to spend a lot of money on people (maybe relevant may not) Then this year my life feels like it’s been shook about and thrown up in the air. It is a stark contrast from where I was last year in every way.

My friends this year: crickets.

I haven’t seen any of them once except for at a friends wedding, I could count on one hand how many times any of them have called me this year. When at the wedding it was “aww I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other”. Granted most of them haven’t seen each other either it’s not just me (some have who are the closer out of the group) it’s a weird scenario as we were all so close. I just feel pissed of that no one’s bothered to come round or check in, I’m not wanting a hand hold through life but ffs a 5 minute call every week or so to check im coping would be nice?

Brings me to my best friend who is separate from my “friendship group”. We have been friends since we were young, tell each other everything and have really been there for each other in life. At the start after the loss, she was by my side and staying with me, but since this I’ve not seen her or heard from her much. We both have kids who are the same age with a month between them who have never met (since small babies), she refuses to go anywhere with the kids as she wants us to have “child free time”. Which I think is really odd. For reference I am 32 she is 35 our boys are 4. She seems to only want to see me if it involves drinking. A few months back I got upset and told her I worry she sees me as a friend only in a social capacity, she lost it started crying and said she would never think of me like that and was highly offended. I’ve had a conversation with her about how I feel like I’ve been forgotten about by all my friends, no one has bothered with me and my life feels like it’s falling apart. She apologised and said she will make more of an effort. It lasted about 2 weeks then nothing. She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text b) prefer phone calls and call her regularly

aibu to just give them all both barrels? I know it’s probably unreasonable and my emotions getting the better of me but I’m so fucked off with how I’m ok to be the party fun friend and everyones go to when they have problems but when I have a problem no one’s there!

Well there it is
" I don't know if they feel bad moaning about their smaller problems".
Ffs Op. You have your answer to why you aren't seeing them , right there. The world doesn't revolve around you. Other people have stuff going on too.

I think you should do less for your friends. That will help you feel less resentful. I "do" for my family and I find that plenty.

Your post has reminded me that one of my friends lost her brother this year, and I haven't checked in with her every week. I have definitely asked her how she is doing when we meet, but not weekly. I have had a lot of bad stuff happen to me this year too, and i feel emotionally wrung out.

OP I would recommend you ask MN to move this to Bereavement.

What you are describing is not uncommon in the wake of a major loss. Some people are like gold and will keep trying even when you can't face the phone or a text, others keep their distance and avoid you. You will find more posters who share your experience in bereavement and have experienced that contradictory need to reach out whilst struggling to do it (especially in text).

I found it slightly surprising who turned out to be my rocks and who was sand. I accept that those who turned out to be sand won't be the friends who stay with me through life and I need to find new connections over time. I've seen no point in telling them this - people are different.

Thank you for your input, I am absolutely angry about my loss but definitely feel it’s a separate issue with my friends. Purely because of the stuff I’ve supported them through, and also been there through bereavement for some of them. More or less put my family life on hold to be there for them and they can’t be bothered to even check in. That’s what hurts.

Oh, OP. I wish I could give you a big hug. Unfortunately we tend to find out that people are shit when we most need some support. The older you get, the more you realise how phenomenally self centred and lacking in empathy most people are. It's a rare person who can truly be there for someone in need.

In your shoes, I absolutely tell the friend you mentioned above how I felt about her behaviour and lack of reciprocity. She'll come up with some bullshit excuse, but at least she will know that you know how crap she's been. Then frankly I'd leave her to it and focus on trying to find the decent ones.

I see the vote is 86% YABU which reflects my thinking.

You don’t sound like a great friend yourself TBH. It’s all on your own terms; not responding to texts, expecting them to pop into your place for a coffee which is obviously super easy for you but not making arrangements which might suit them; and a whiff of judgment and self-importance about how much time they have or their own problems in comparison to your busy busy and very serious life. And now you propose to deliver both barrels.

All a bit too much like hard work.

When you’ve been through a trauma it’s pretty normal to feel angry at others for “not getting it” or not knowing how to behave or act around you. Trauma can be very isolating.

I know it’s tempting to put all your friends in the bin but take each week or month at a time, see who you want to see (not just those who get in touch with you first) and in a couple of years time you’ll naturally have the friends you want to have longer term.

Have you experienced a major, close bereavement?

Its hard to comment without knowing who it is you've lost

If it's a parent or sibling, I think you're probably expecting too much from them. It's been a year or so, I think fortnightly check ins from everyone via a phone call is probably more intense support than they'd probably feel necessary. You want this bit say you don't want to talk about it but it annoys you when they talk about their own stuff but you want a distraction from yours. It doesn't sound like you're entirely sure what you want let alone them? How supportive is your partner?

If it's a child, then I'm immeasurably sorry for your loss. I know it's not helpful to you, but they probably just don't have a clue where to start. Having not gone through it, it's not always easy to know what to do or say and that can tend to result in inactivity.

I'd try and go with anger free honesty.
I feel really lonely right now, like I've tried reaching out but it's into silence. Maybe my needs have been too much for other people to shoulder but all I actually want is your friendship, for us to go back to some semblance of how we were.

If you get nothing,then it's time to walk away.

I'm not sure your best friend sees you the same way if you don't have lives that overlap in more than one place - a bar.

"I have always very much had an open door policy for all my friends. However I don’t feel as if I could just pop round to any of there houses."

• everyone thinks like this, everyone, that they can have people call round but are way too awkward to call on someone else. The same way it's easier to offer help than ask for it. This doesn't say anything about equality in your relationships, at all.

I think it would help you considerably to stop thinking of life as "shoulds" - how people should communicate, what they should do and say, what friendship should mean.... once you see that these are your opinions and not facts, you will be more open to what your friends actually offer.

You sound so angry and I wonder if you are turning your anger and bewilderment at your sudden bereavement against your friends? Good friends will make allowance up to a point, but only up to a point so I definitely wouldn't "give them both barrels".

Your best friend is texting, and you are too busy to text back... but you have time to call because that is what you prefer. You see her as "having more time on her hands" whereas you are busy... but you are always available if anyone wants to drop in (presumably your other friends also have time on their hands?). But then cross that they don't, which people generally don't these days - that is nothing to do with you or them.

Your friend prefers to see you without children - I don't know why that makes you angry? You and she were friends before having children. Isn't it a good idea to keep that up? There is no guarantee your children will get on.

With your other friends, were you the one suggesting get togethers? If so and you haven't been in a frame of mind to do that, then it is not surprising it hasn't happened. They haven't been meeting up without you, so while you might be disappointed I can't see any reason for anger.

Basically I don't think your friends have wronged you. Yes, maybe they could have been better, but people are awkward about death. I think your expectations were too high and you should take more time to work through your loss before alienating your friends.

Agree with this

This thread just reflects perfectly what happens when you experience a close bereavement and how people who haven’t don’t get it. My husband died so I do get it OP. Unfortunately there is not much you can do. I would set boundaries that feel safe for you and stick to them. You need to focus on you right now, not them. It is hard feeling let down by people but what I’ve come to realise is that they just don’t get it. And until it happens to them they won’t get it. You have to be a bit selfish and focus on yourself. I do advise not going down the giving them two barrels route. It won’t achieve anything as they still won’t give you what you need. I’m really sorry for your loss.

OP, you are grieving. It's so easy when you are grieving to see everything anyone does to you as a slight. It's a way of deflecting the chasm of pain. But PPs are right that your friends aren't your therapy. As hard as it is, they cannot drop everything for you and respond exactly as you would like them to all the time. Grief is a very lonely road, nobody can walk it with you, and it's so tough. Please go easy on yourself but go easy on your friends too. Give yourself time.

Hi OP. I think expecting friends to check in every week is unrealistic. You've been through something horrible, however you need to find support where it is available, rather than looking for it when it is not. You know your friends aren't going to check in on you every week, however in asking them to do so you're creating a rather inorganic situation.

My best friend died and was front page news on and off for years (still is occasionally). I don't recall my friends ever checking in on me regularly, however I leant fairly heavily on other people who were also mourning the loss of our friend, as did they on me.

Therapy was a huge help as was forcing myself to to on long walks. I wish you luck in your journey to healing and again am so sorry for your loss.

At the start after the loss, she was by my side and staying with me, but since this I’ve not seen her or heard from her much.

You are too needy; she most likely has her own family and issues to deal with. How much of her time do you need? It sounds like she has supported you, but shes put boundaries in for her own mental health.

Most people only care about themselves and their close people/family in their circle of trust. That’s why so many people love to just talk about themselves…you should be relying more on your partner and family to support you.

Most friendships are fickle, they are meant to be fun. You expecting your friends to act like your partner? why do they need check in on you? how long for? why?

Who died?
What were they to you?

More or less put my family life on hold to be there for them

What does this mean?
How, and why, did you put your family life on hold for your friends?
I’ve never heard anyone doing that…

When I had my second child, I had severe PPD and I only wanted to see friends without our kids present, because I needed a break from the home. I really needed my child free time. I didn't tell anyone about my PPD.

It doesn't seem that your friend have changed though. They are being who they have always been, or have been for a long time. Your " best friend" had been like this for a number of years - your similarly aged children have never met. To be honest, it sounds like you are the one who has changed the expectations about what friendship means within this group. And with good reason, so there is no blame attached here... but what you need from the friendships now has moved the ground, and these aren't the people to meet your expectations. That happens. It's nobodies fault.

I think it would be unreasonable of you to attack them though, yes. That won't fix anything, and they are so they are. This is a wake up call to look for support elsewhere. Maybe new friends. But do remember that friends are not therapists, and many people are not able to cope with prolonged neediness - it can become exhausting.

I can see why you would be hurt by that. It does seem unfair and unbalanced. If you were to go ahead and give your friendship group both barrels how would you do that? Approach each person individually or put it on a group chat? I just worry by going nuclear with them you might hurt yourself most in the long term.

Very few people are reflective and when faced with anger and accusations
they get defensive. So I worry that you'd end up turning into the 'bad guy' that they could all collectively agree was out of order so they don't have to self reflect. This could end up with you feeling isolated and bereft at a time when you're already emotionally vulnerable and do need support. I agree with a pp that sitting with this feeling and not acting, just feeling it at the moment and seeing where you end up in a coupe of years might be more protective of yourself?

For your wider friendship group, I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable. It's sad and I can understand you feeling hurt.

For your best friend....sorry but I think YABU.

I hate phone calls, I just hate speaking on the phone and with a phone call, you can never get away. At least with texts/ Voicenotes you can reply in your own time. You need to make the effort to text her back, she has children, why do you think she has the time for phone calls at your whim?

Also, I hate seeing my pre-baby friends with their kids and like your friend, avoid it like the plague. It's dull, and often pointless as you can't actually talk. I love nothing more than catching up over dinner or a few drinks on a Friday/ Saturday night, especially now I'm a mum so I think YAB a bit U there. Having said that, I HAVE met my friends with their children.....it just always goes the same way, we just can't have a proper conversation so until they're all a bit older (6ish, able to amuse themselves whilst we chat) I much prefer to just see them themselves.

There's nothnig stopping you telling your wider friendship group that you feel a bit hurt they haven't kept in touch more, but I'm not 100% sure you'll gain anythnig from it.

Overall I get the vibe from your post that you expect a lot from friendships, maybe they sense this which is why they've all backed off a bit?

She is making an effort though and your blanking her by not replying to her texts. What do you expect her to do haul up to yours every time you don't answer a text? I don't think your being very fair. It takes seconds to answer a text even if your very busy, and maybe she knows your busy that's why she thinks you'll prefer a 5 second text over a long phone call?

I disagree. I was being very obviously ignored by one friend who didn’t know my mum was dying. But she was ignoring me for absolutely no reason and I asked her why and still radio silence.

Well, she came circling in the time of bereavement and I told her to get stuffed. Extremely cathartic.

OP in the nicest possible way, life does not revolve around you. Yes they could have been more supportive but you have no idea what they have going on in their own lives, they text and you don't bother your arse to text back because you are way to special and super busy to text back ! I wouldn't bother with you either after the third unanswered text. You want friend, put the effort in.

You don’t reply to her messages and won’t meet her socially unless you have your kids with you (this is a bit odd and unfriendly). Surely you are at least an equal partner in the demise of this friendship.

Sorry for your loss OP.

However, I had a friend who I don’t speak to anymore. She stopped replying to all texts, phone calls etc. and when we organised things to go out together she would cancel last minute or just ghost me / us. In the end I stopped bothering with her because to me she clearly didn’t care enough to even reply to me. She then had the cheek to say I was leaving her out of things, unfortunately it all blew up but she couldn’t recognise she had caused a lot of her self proclaimed isolation by ignoring her messages etc.

if you want a friendship effort works both ways and yes, you might not like texts, but in a busy world can’t you see that not replying comes across as self indulgent and like you’re not bothered about keeping in touch etc. Your friend probs feels like they are making effort by texting and you’re the one who is not since you can’t be bothered to reply …