To be really fucked off with all my friends but one in particular

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

Hi NC for this as couple of friends are on here and I don’t want it linked to other posts as would be outing.

I am feeling utterly pissed off at my friendship group but particularly my best friend. At the very start of the year something absolutely horrific happened to me, a very sudden death, and it was truly the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening to me. The magnitude of what had happened was and is incomprehensible. It’s turned mine, and everyone else’s, lives upside down. I say everyone else because the death was that sudden and that much of a shock, as someone was so healthy and so broadly loved and well known, it actually made the paper.

Last year was an incredible year for me. My friends and I were travelling frequently together, seeing each other for either a holiday or a night out bi-monthly, travelling with family a lot, business was booming, I’d lost a significant amount of weight, I was looking and feeling better than ever. Mental health was great and I was able to spend a lot of money on people (maybe relevant may not) Then this year my life feels like it’s been shook about and thrown up in the air. It is a stark contrast from where I was last year in every way.

My friends this year: crickets.

I haven’t seen any of them once except for at a friends wedding, I could count on one hand how many times any of them have called me this year. When at the wedding it was “aww I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other”. Granted most of them haven’t seen each other either it’s not just me (some have who are the closer out of the group) it’s a weird scenario as we were all so close. I just feel pissed of that no one’s bothered to come round or check in, I’m not wanting a hand hold through life but ffs a 5 minute call every week or so to check im coping would be nice?

Brings me to my best friend who is separate from my “friendship group”. We have been friends since we were young, tell each other everything and have really been there for each other in life. At the start after the loss, she was by my side and staying with me, but since this I’ve not seen her or heard from her much. We both have kids who are the same age with a month between them who have never met (since small babies), she refuses to go anywhere with the kids as she wants us to have “child free time”. Which I think is really odd. For reference I am 32 she is 35 our boys are 4. She seems to only want to see me if it involves drinking. A few months back I got upset and told her I worry she sees me as a friend only in a social capacity, she lost it started crying and said she would never think of me like that and was highly offended. I’ve had a conversation with her about how I feel like I’ve been forgotten about by all my friends, no one has bothered with me and my life feels like it’s falling apart. She apologised and said she will make more of an effort. It lasted about 2 weeks then nothing. She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text b) prefer phone calls and call her regularly

aibu to just give them all both barrels? I know it’s probably unreasonable and my emotions getting the better of me but I’m so fucked off with how I’m ok to be the party fun friend and everyones go to when they have problems but when I have a problem no one’s there!

I think the advice to 'get rid of your non-friends' and find new friends is the worst advice ever. Most people have good intentions and if they are not doing what is expected of them, that's because they are not sure what to do or are too overloaded to do it.

Good friends take years to build up. Often groups are less close, I've found, more a formation of circumstance and can split up if people move away/something happens.

To find the kind of friends who will support you in exactly the way you want, down to the communication method, exactly as often as you want, is almost impossible.

My advice is always the same: have lots of friends, so that when the ebbs and flows hit, some people are available (but not all), accept that friends have different ways of communicating and different things they like to do (one of mine pops up every six months, we intensively chat, then quiet again, that's fine for me as I also have friends I talk to twice a week). If you feel lonely or like you aren't being understood, speak to them but in a nice way- like 'I love talking about X, I think people often don't want to mention him any more' and then mention the dead person occasionally to make it ok for them to mention him as well. Finally, if you are intensively grieving, some people find hanging out with others in the same situation very helpful, especially for a shocking death. That wasn't for me, I appreciated my friends 'normality'.

I am a pretty good friend myself, but I'm not perfect- at any one time, most of my friends have issues with their teenagers (severe stuff, self-harm, school refusal), issues with their parents (dying, dead, horrible illnesses) and other stresses (bullied at work, upset about relationship). I can't support them all perfectly through all these things, we are in mid-life and life is chaotic, I also work full time.

I think supposing your friends have good intentions (unless revealed otherwise) and intending the best yourself but accepting you only have so much to give as well is the best way to keep long-term friends through all the ups and downs- this is your down, but this will not be the last among your friends by any means.

Most people only care about themselves and their close people/family in their circle of trust. That’s why so many people love to just talk about themselves…you should be relying more on your partner and family to support you.

Most friendships are fickle, they are meant to be fun. You expecting your friends to act like your partner? why do they need check in on you? how long for? why?

I don't disagree with you, @safetyfreak but this is very bleak for people who don't have supportive family or partners. I'd like to believe that it's still possible to find genuine, kind people outside your family unit. But they are rare.

@Blinkityblonk 's advice is marvellous,

I often think of a line from "The Affair". "Life is a lonely business, and none of us get as much support as we would like." Sad, but true.

I agree with this and I think its very hard to understand if you have not experienced very close or traumatic loss.

Describing someone in this situation as "needy" makes me wonder if PPs have every experienced that type of loss.

I am still trying to forgive my supposed best friend for her reaction when my beloved DF died when I was in my 20s. She gave me a copy of "Who Moved My Cheese" (stupid business cod-psychology book that tells you that, if you don't like change, it's you that's the problem). Because that's appropriate when someone is coping with a terrible bereavement...

@FancyAFlapjack I have a friend who took a self-help book about coping with a bereavement to a funeral to give to the widower! She honestly was coming from a good place but I had to wrestle her to the ground not to give it. She could not see this was just awful. I do think looking at intention, even if it comes out awful, is the right thing to do. My friend was desperate to help, it just came out wrong!

Sorry for your loss. It is frustrating when friends don't come through for you in the way you'd expect but I hate phone calls and the people around me know this. I find them intrusive and time consuming. I'd rather message then arrange a meet up face to face. I've let go of a couple of people who don't respond to texts as it's just rude.

I do have one friend who calls and she'll talk at length about her life for hours. It's very draining and I often avoid answering her calls now as I just don't have the ad hoc time or headspace to listen. Teenage kids, busy job, doing an MSc and demanding extended family. I'll be there for her if she's having a rough time but i can't be "on call"

I wonder if it's possible your friend is slightly depressed? Maybe she can't face talking on the phone when she's dealing with her child, possibly a bit overwhelming if she isn't doing great with her MH?

I don't think there's anything wrong with making a quick response to a text, even if you say, I'll follow it up with a bit more when I have more time. You are saying you don't respond, you'd rather phone for a longer chat. This is a bit all or nothing, and there's a half way measure. I think when people don't respond to texts, for whatever reason, then the sender sometimes feels, not unreasonably, that what they've said, or their effort, hasn't been 'heard'.

Also, maybe you are doing financially better than most of them? You have a big house, and have been able to be financially generous in the past. Maybe they feel a little envious if you seem to be in a better financial position.

Bloomin heck op

You don’t have time to drop a simple text to your BF

But do have time to post multiple very long and detailed posts on a mumsnet thread

Also views of perfect friends differ. This will sound harsh but I’ll own it anyway. Last year after a difficult time my bestie said she’d come and visit to support me. Sounds perfect doesn’t it. Except it was the last thing I wanted or needed. I just wanted to recharge, decompress, chill. Of course I felt like I couldn’t say ‘no don’t come up’ because it would have been rude. So up she came for a long weekend and after three days I felt even more drained.
She probably saw herself as the perfect dutiful friend offering support. That’s how it looks in the optics doesn’t it. Except I had to plan and cook for three days, listen to her hijack the conversation over and over again repeating the same stuff, drive her to certain shops where she went through the usual rigmarole of trying on clothes and talking about losing weight, then how she can’t coz she never has time, ad infinitum.
In short she made it all about her and saw it as a wee break after all she’d been through herself but using my troubles as an excuse to make herself even more wholesome.
Now I’m aware that that makes me sound like a right cow but that’s how it felt to me at the time. Had she suggested a weekend away somewhere instead, that she organised where it was neutral territory without me having to host that would’ve been better, especially as there is always tension between her and my DH.

Not sure why you are buying your friends so much stuff? Or why gift giving should mean you expect emotional support in return ?

You have different communication styles for example the text/call situation
if you are ignoring her texts then she has the right to get the hump with you
I would never call someone for a chat who had ignored my texts

I would only give weekly calls to a very close relative ie parent who had experienced a loss, your expectations of your friends is not in synch with my expectations and I would guess theirs too

It matters not a jot that this persons death ended up in the papers- why do you feel you should have more sympathy given to you because they were well known or loved ?

Having a go at them would achieve nothing but end friendships forever in a v unpleasant manner
I suggest you let them know how you are not coping with the loss without blaming them and let them know that regular call and check ins are appreciated
If this does not happen then you are not getting what you need from these friendships and bow out gracefully

Without wishing to be patronising, I have distanced myself from the intense friendships of my youth. I am often the one who does all the running, so I just stopped. because it is unlikely to be repaid. I don't buy lavish gifts, I don't holiday with friends, I rarely even stay with them.

I just keep everything easy and casual and no-drama. I think that's what most people want now after the pandemic. Sadly. Even if you have suffered a great loss.

@athrobbingpairoftrousers

Of course I felt like I couldn’t say ‘no don’t come up’ because it would have been rude.

and this is your best friend?

@athrobbingpairoftrousers

your describe your best friend along the lines of how’d of describe someone I don’t really like

OP I think you’ve had a really tough year and been given some good advice here. Friendships do ebb and flow and unfortunately sometimes you don’t get the support you would like from them. I’ve learned in my 30’s that really my family are the ones that are there for the really shit bits, friends will absolutely listen and support but you can’t expect to be top of their priority list long - term.

Most of us have busy lives and we do miss things - I’d be really upset if I thought I had let a friend down in their hour of need but I don’t always have the mental capacity to assume or regularly check if they need my help - if I got a “can you come for coffee this week, I’m feeling really down,” I would OF COURSE be there.

I’ve been guilty myself lately, feeling really down as I’m pregnant with my first and really, really missing my mum. I’ve not had much contact from my friends except for the first “congratulations!” replies when I told them. I wallowed a bit then put my big girl pants on and sent a text to say “I’m really missing socialising - would anyone be up for a takeaway” and all responded! I think at our age if you want to see your friends YOU have to be the one to put yourself out there and make the plans. Not just “my door is open,” it’s a bit meaningless in this day and age when it takes ten seconds over WhatsApp to make proper arrangements.

@Iwillpassthanks yes you’re right. Our friendship is more because we’ve been friends for so long but it’s been a bit one sided this last while and I’m drained by her. I guess I was using my experience to illustrate how views of friendship can differ and trying to help the OP see things from a different perspective.

I've had quite a blunt convo with my pal recently and things have gone a bit quiet but tbh I’m not that bothered. It’s not ebbing and flowing. It’s been flowing all one way from her to me so unless she switches from transmit to receive a bit more then it will remain imbalanced and I don’t have the energy anymore.

When tragedy strikes you find out who everyone is in your life. I have family members I don’t talk to as a result.
Move on mate, leave them behind. They are not worth it.