To be really fucked off with all my friends but one in particular

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

Hi NC for this as couple of friends are on here and I don’t want it linked to other posts as would be outing.

I am feeling utterly pissed off at my friendship group but particularly my best friend. At the very start of the year something absolutely horrific happened to me, a very sudden death, and it was truly the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening to me. The magnitude of what had happened was and is incomprehensible. It’s turned mine, and everyone else’s, lives upside down. I say everyone else because the death was that sudden and that much of a shock, as someone was so healthy and so broadly loved and well known, it actually made the paper.

Last year was an incredible year for me. My friends and I were travelling frequently together, seeing each other for either a holiday or a night out bi-monthly, travelling with family a lot, business was booming, I’d lost a significant amount of weight, I was looking and feeling better than ever. Mental health was great and I was able to spend a lot of money on people (maybe relevant may not) Then this year my life feels like it’s been shook about and thrown up in the air. It is a stark contrast from where I was last year in every way.

My friends this year: crickets.

I haven’t seen any of them once except for at a friends wedding, I could count on one hand how many times any of them have called me this year. When at the wedding it was “aww I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other”. Granted most of them haven’t seen each other either it’s not just me (some have who are the closer out of the group) it’s a weird scenario as we were all so close. I just feel pissed of that no one’s bothered to come round or check in, I’m not wanting a hand hold through life but ffs a 5 minute call every week or so to check im coping would be nice?

Brings me to my best friend who is separate from my “friendship group”. We have been friends since we were young, tell each other everything and have really been there for each other in life. At the start after the loss, she was by my side and staying with me, but since this I’ve not seen her or heard from her much. We both have kids who are the same age with a month between them who have never met (since small babies), she refuses to go anywhere with the kids as she wants us to have “child free time”. Which I think is really odd. For reference I am 32 she is 35 our boys are 4. She seems to only want to see me if it involves drinking. A few months back I got upset and told her I worry she sees me as a friend only in a social capacity, she lost it started crying and said she would never think of me like that and was highly offended. I’ve had a conversation with her about how I feel like I’ve been forgotten about by all my friends, no one has bothered with me and my life feels like it’s falling apart. She apologised and said she will make more of an effort. It lasted about 2 weeks then nothing. She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text b) prefer phone calls and call her regularly

aibu to just give them all both barrels? I know it’s probably unreasonable and my emotions getting the better of me but I’m so fucked off with how I’m ok to be the party fun friend and everyones go to when they have problems but when I have a problem no one’s there!

Another one here who either texts or meets irl
I can’t remember the last time I spoke to a friend on the phone.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Do you have a partner?

I’m also wondering if your loss has been all consuming. Have you contacted your friends and asked how they are? They may be going through things too and feel like they can’t talk about it to you.

I’m sorry OP, but I think you are being unreasonable with regards to your friend who isn’t in the general group.
You are understandably grieving, but you need to understand that other people weren’t impacted the same way you were. You need to be honest and clear on what you need and expect from others, because they can’t know otherwise.
Like your friend I’d assume that you were busy or maybe not particularly interested in engaging.
I know this might sound harsh but have a think what your friend gets out of your friendship because you are (understandably as I said) focussed on your own needs right now. A friendship goes both ways though and it can’t survive on one giving and the other one taking.

Were these friends only interested in your friendship as you were the link to the well known person in your life who has now died?

I suspect the issue is that you all have young kids and busy lives but right now you're noticing the absence when they're not in touch because you're deep in grief.
Are they actually behaving that differently? Did you message/call a lot when not seeing each other face to face before?
Have some of them had babies recently? Or got married etc?
You're at that point in life when friendships go from being intense to rapidly stepping back and playing second fiddle to partner/children and often ageing parents.
I wonder if everyone is going through this transition and it just happens to coincide with a really tough time in your life?

Regardless of how you decide to tackle this particular problem do look into some counselling - might even help you process the changes to your friendship group and give you the confidence/means to address it.

Honestly was the best decision I made after a sudden bereavement.

People have their lives too, and their problems aren’t ‘smaller’ to them. If you will only have contact the way that suits you and you view what is going on for them as lesser than what is going on for them then your best friend probably feels you aren’t being much of a friend to her…

Peoples lives don’t stop when we have problems, no matter how enormous those problems might be to us. She came to stay with you when you were first bereaved (presumably at enormous inconvenience to her because of work/child/partner etc)- doesn’t this show you that she does care? she tries to keep in contact by text but you won’t reciprocate…

And I wouldn’t stop to chat to my best friends bloke if I saw him in the street- I’m not friends with him! I’d wave and say hi and get on with my life.

OP just a word of caution re your best friend - are you sure you know what’s going on in her life? There is a lot of judgement in your posts about how she has enough time on her hands, has support etc - but she’s also had PND. The not having kids meet for 4 years is very odd and it would make me think perhaps something else was going on. It doesn’t sound like you’re in a position to provide support right now to her but she may also be struggling with something and not want to burden you.

I guess my take on it is - they are your friends, do you assume positive intentions or not? As others have said, friendships are not therapeutic, having a friend long term require you for actual support can end up burning the friendship. My advice would be to take those friends for what they’re able to offer and if it’s not enough, look for other support structures - new friends, a therapist, bereavement groups, your partner (husband?). It sounds like you are very much still working through your grief which is perfectly understandable but that is a heavy burden to place on friends.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

At the moment you are not (IMO) an easy-going friend. You have criticised your best friend for a) wanting to meet without kids (surely that's good she wants to focus on you) b) only wanting to be 'social' friends so much she cried c) texting when you prefer phone calls and ignoring texts and now you are going to d) give her both barrels.

I get you are cross and angry at the world, but honestly, you are putting this onto her- she HAS been seeing you, checking in by text, promising you to do better, making time in her schedule when she can.

I am a widow and I get it, it's very frustrating when people don't act like you think they will after bereavement. The not asking after the funeral is very common. I do think though that if you want friendships to survive these things which are difficult, then meeting people where they are is part of that- the friend that drops me a voice note, gets a voice note (even though these are not my fave, I've got quite into them), the people who text photos, I send them one back. Most of my friends use texts and Whatsapp calls, one sends cards, another I don't hear from for ages but when we do we really reconnect.

The crosser you are at them, the more they feel in the wrong, when, in the case of your best friend, I don't think she has done anything wrong.

Hmm playing devils advocate here, but I’m definitely too busy to take calls. I don’t know many 30 year olds who have that much time on their hands to be talking on the phone all the time. Its just a strange line to take with friends and I wouldn’t like that

This makes me wonder, separate to your bereavement, whether she doesn’t agree with how you parent? Maybe she is strict and you are relaxed, or the other way round? Or you allow junk food and she doesn’t etc?

I had friend and her husband I was very close to and saw a lot, even after I had kids but when they had kids their parenting was so completely at odds with mine that by the time their child was 2 we had just stopped meeting up- it was just so awkward to have the kids in the same space and it just became really toxic.

Yea! I thought millennials and younger were the anti phone call generations!

OP, if you want to get the kids together why not text your friend and ask her to come over with her DC this weekend/whenever you’re free to play in the garden?

I think some looking closer to home would benefit you OP.

Frankly, you're not the only person in the world to ever suffer a difficult and shocking bereavement. I know because I also went through a really hard one.

It does sound like your best friend was there for you. You say she stayed with you for a time. And now she texts you, but you openly admit you don't text back. You say you're busy, but honey, EVERYONE is busy. You are not busier or more special than anyone else. And your lack of reply just translates back to your friend as "she's not that bothered."

Remember, roads (and phones) work in both directions. If you want more support, use your words. People aren't magical mind readers. And if you want more, sometimes you have to be prepared to give a little more.

Sorry for your loss op, but I do agree with pp. Re your bf isn't being wrong. You're planning om giving everyone 'both barrels' for not checking in weekly, but what are texts if not checking in?

OP I hope some of the messages on here allows you to see things from others’ perspectives. Right now you are grieving in a ‘stop all the clocks’ sort of way. I get that. But for everyone else, the clocks are still ticking.
Your best friend sounds great tbh. I’d say this because she sounds like me.
My oldest bestie never replies to texts and is always going on about how busy and tired she is. Her saying that does not make me think that picking up the phone is the best thing because who’d have time for a convo if she can’t be bothered replying to a text. We are miles apart so just dropping by isn’t an option.
Both her parents have died in the past five years and I’ve tried to be there for her but I felt that she treated me like dirt, her personal PA to sort out stuff coz ‘no-one has it as tough as she has”.
She is hard work and dominates any conversation 80% so that it’s hard getting a word in. I hate talking on the phone and at least in a text/WhatsApp I actually feel I can say my piece without interruption.
I have also had loads going on in my life, but she’s lost in her own dramatics. Our other mutual friend has lots going on in her life but you wouldn’t know as she rarely gets to speak about it nor does she foist it on others. Everyone is different but in all my years on this planet, one thing I’ve learned is that if you wallow in self pity, even if it’s completely justified, folk can only take so much of it.

Unfortunately I have to agree with this. It's been my own experience that after a bereavement - as if the grief wasn't enough on its own - you receive some harsh wake-up calls about who is really there for you in this life and who isn't. And it won't always be the people you expect.

The fair weather friends I'd find it easier to accept were just that: it's the closer friend I'd have been more hurt by.

I've experienced more than my fair share of sudden and traumatic loss, and found the same to be true. My small circle of very close friends came through. My in-laws behaved appallingly - making things actively harder let alone easier - and the relationship has never recovered. An acquaintance tragically lost her four-month-old baby and a whole circle of her friends disappeared practically overnight. It broke her; she's never been the same since.

I don't think some people know what to do in the face of losses of this magnitude. So they become avoidant, because this makes life easier and more comfortable for themselves. When I experienced multiple pregnancy loss I quickly learned not to talk about it.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP, it's hard. I'd quietly step back from these people, who are not your friends, involve yourself in some real interests you've always wanted to persue, and in the process hopefully find others who are.

I think YABU, sorry.

With the wider group, they won't have the capacity to ring a more distant friend once a week. I struggle to ring my widowed mother once a week, frankly (text her all the time and see her regularly but phonecalls are tough to fit in). I'm happy to chat with friends who are going through a tough time but between work and my own DC I just don't have capacity to be a significant support to them. It's a case of checking in when I see them.

Your best friend has clearly tried, insisting on phonecalls isn't particularly fair of you. She's tried to be there for you in the best way she can and you've rebuffed and criticised her so I can understand her taking a step back.

It's awful when you have a significant bereavement, your world stops turning and it's all consuming. Your friends are just busy in their own shit, trying to keep their heads above water.

Overall I get the vibe from your post that you expect a lot from friendships, maybe they sense this which is why they've all backed off a bit?

I agree with this poster.

You also mentioned that you were "able to spend a lot of money on people", and that you put your "family life on hold to be there" for your friends, which seems very odd. Why did you choose to do this - what were your motivations?

Women our age have so many people needing us. Sometimes you can't fulfill everyone's needs. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't want to upset you at all by saying this but your friend cannot bear the burden of your loss. Once you've let her have it both barrels what's she supposed to do? Have lengthy phone conversations that are not her communication style because they are yours? How many would be enough? What would support look like and should she sacrifice her own family's needs for yours, not to mention her own? Asking for something very specific is fine but "support me" is a very nebulous request.

I'm a good friend but I personally hate the thought of someone popping by my house unannounced (which I know you haven't done but your expectations are different in that you don't mind it) and I'm not a fan of spontaneous phone calls, id rather text (or arrange to meet up in person via text) so it may just be that your communication styles/expectations are different to your friends which is leaving you feeling abandoned 🤷
Sorry for your loss 💐

Who was the deceased person to you?

Yes, it must really hurt if you have done all that for her.

You sound like the perfect, caring friend. Most people, has you have found, aren't like that I am afraid.

I certainly am not.

But that is exactly why I prefer texts.

One of my friends used to go on about her life for hours on a phone call. I couldn't cope with it.

Gently as possible, the bereavement was at the beginning of this year. It's now nearly the end of it.

I say this as someone who's mother is about to die... and i dont know how ill cope...how long can everyone be expected to walk on eggshells and be mindful of this?

It sounds as if they have made effort but not in the way you want.

They'll have their own problems and issues too.

@IMustDoMoreExercise the 'most perfect caring friend' doesn't ignore texts or demand how communication is in the friendship.

Yes, I agree with that, but I was referring to all the things she did for her friend when she had PND. That is a lot more than most people would do.