To be really fucked off with all my friends but one in particular

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

Hi NC for this as couple of friends are on here and I don’t want it linked to other posts as would be outing.

I am feeling utterly pissed off at my friendship group but particularly my best friend. At the very start of the year something absolutely horrific happened to me, a very sudden death, and it was truly the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening to me. The magnitude of what had happened was and is incomprehensible. It’s turned mine, and everyone else’s, lives upside down. I say everyone else because the death was that sudden and that much of a shock, as someone was so healthy and so broadly loved and well known, it actually made the paper.

Last year was an incredible year for me. My friends and I were travelling frequently together, seeing each other for either a holiday or a night out bi-monthly, travelling with family a lot, business was booming, I’d lost a significant amount of weight, I was looking and feeling better than ever. Mental health was great and I was able to spend a lot of money on people (maybe relevant may not) Then this year my life feels like it’s been shook about and thrown up in the air. It is a stark contrast from where I was last year in every way.

My friends this year: crickets.

I haven’t seen any of them once except for at a friends wedding, I could count on one hand how many times any of them have called me this year. When at the wedding it was “aww I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other”. Granted most of them haven’t seen each other either it’s not just me (some have who are the closer out of the group) it’s a weird scenario as we were all so close. I just feel pissed of that no one’s bothered to come round or check in, I’m not wanting a hand hold through life but ffs a 5 minute call every week or so to check im coping would be nice?

Brings me to my best friend who is separate from my “friendship group”. We have been friends since we were young, tell each other everything and have really been there for each other in life. At the start after the loss, she was by my side and staying with me, but since this I’ve not seen her or heard from her much. We both have kids who are the same age with a month between them who have never met (since small babies), she refuses to go anywhere with the kids as she wants us to have “child free time”. Which I think is really odd. For reference I am 32 she is 35 our boys are 4. She seems to only want to see me if it involves drinking. A few months back I got upset and told her I worry she sees me as a friend only in a social capacity, she lost it started crying and said she would never think of me like that and was highly offended. I’ve had a conversation with her about how I feel like I’ve been forgotten about by all my friends, no one has bothered with me and my life feels like it’s falling apart. She apologised and said she will make more of an effort. It lasted about 2 weeks then nothing. She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text b) prefer phone calls and call her regularly

aibu to just give them all both barrels? I know it’s probably unreasonable and my emotions getting the better of me but I’m so fucked off with how I’m ok to be the party fun friend and everyones go to when they have problems but when I have a problem no one’s there!

OP when you do spend time with your friend what is it like? Is it sociable or is it that you’re upset and wanting to talk about the person you’ve lost?

Also to note, none of my friends bar my best friend have an issue with phone calls and we all prefer it. One of my friends who I called spent 2 hours (and no I wasn’t planning on a bloody 2 hour call) banging on about the guys she’s dating and literally didn’t come up for air to ask how I was.

Very much sociable. I’m not a misery by any means! To be honest I don’t even like talking about it as I would get upset but just being out or with friends helps me feel better. Of course I want to know about their lives, it distracts me from mine! 🙂

I don’t understand how you being so incredibly busy means you prefer phone calls and have an open door policy. How does that work?

I’m sorry for your loss and agree that others that know loss are going to be better than friends who haven’t had the experience. What about the persons other friends and family? Could you not talk to them.

I am not sure you can resolve this. People who text and people who prefer to talk on the phone? No. Friendship over.

literally bent over backwards for her through her PND 🤔Literally? Odd thing to do.

Plus what does this mean? My friends this year: crickets

I’m sorry for your loss but I think you’re being pretty unfair on your friends to be honest. It sounds like you want everything on your terms, all the time, no exceptions, and if they don’t ascribe to your exacting standards of support and acceptable friendship then you fly off the handle (or want to, I realise you haven’t yet). It doesn’t sound like you’re being left out with the face to face interactions, it sounds as though it’s all fizzled out a bit for everyone.
Friendships evolve and change and communication patterns do the same.

Sorry for your loss.

The friendship group don’t sound great but your other friend seems like she’s trying but you don’t like it/want it another way. You not replying to her is sending it’s own message, just because you want a phone call doesn’t mean you automatically deserve one, they take up much more time than texting and as you say, people are busy. Besides, she probably thinks you don’t want a phone call if you don’t even reply to texts!

@Shouldistayorshouldi - Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the shock and gaping chasm that resulted in the family member's passing. Grief takes time and I hope you're giving yourself this time to grieve for your family member.

Now, in relation to your question - "aibu to just give them all both barrels?" - if you do, don't expect your friendships to survive. They may deserve to be given both barrels, but they may not see it that way. They may go away with their tails between their legs but don't expect them to return to you in the future.
They may however see the error of their ways, apologise and try to make things better but that would be the exception rather than the rule here.

I would do as @Iwillpassthanks suggests - try to find new friends.

Best of luck going forwards here.

I think you are being very unfair on the best friend, she wants child free time presumably so she can focus on you and your conversation properly, with 2 4 year old running around it's always hectic and it never feels like a proper catch up. Also the insistence on phone calls, that is your preference but its obviously not a great way for her to communicate, why does everything have to be on your terms or they get "both barrels"? I hate phone calls, I really struggle with social anxiety and phone calls are such a massive trigger. You can have great conversations over text, they become endless dialogue with close friends. You could even meet in the middle and send voicenotes which feel.more conversational

That’s what I’m wondering too. Working 5/6 days a week, running two business, don’t have 5 minutes to reply to a text (and it doesn’t take an hour to write a carefully thought out, non-vapid message). But also an open door policy where friends are free to drop in whenever and, presumably, hang out as long as they need.

What would you hope to achieve by 'giving them both barrels'? Because if someone yelled at me, it really wouldn't make me want to spend more time with them. I appreciate that you're pissed off and feeling let down, but attacking your friends is hardly the way to repair things. But if what you want is a permanent rift - go ahead.

TBH, I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Your friend texts you, but that's not enough for you, you want to talk. Okay, but maybe your friend prefers to text. You admit you're very busy, so do you expect her to be available to talk when it's convenient for you? It sounds like everyone is busy and if you've both got 4-year-olds there's a lot of interruption and unpredictability.

If you want to repair things, you're going to have to get off your high horse. Grief is horrible, but you can't expect your friends to understand unless they've been through something similar. People say how sorry they are, but most people wouldn't keep checking in on you every week for months on end, because they're busy and (to be blunt) your bereavement is not going to be front and centre in their minds, as it is in yours. So do you want to repair things with your friends, or just dump the lot of them and move on?

Also, while I think it’s certainly unusual that your friends son and your son have never met, I can’t blame your friend for wanting child free time with you. When you meet up with the kids, it’s very hard to have a proper conversation or even finish your sentence sometimes! Less so as they get older of course.

You explain how busy and stretched you are and that you don't reply to texts. Simultaneously you always have your door open and will take phone calls.
There is a bit of a disconnect.

That isn't a criticism BTW but I think maybe you need to acknowledge that you are giving out different signals.

The best thing I have ever done was go for grief counselling- just a place I can dump all of my feelings. It freed me up and I think improved my relationships. Maybe it's too soon for you but it might be worth looking into.

I was with you until you said you don’t text back because you’re busy?! Wtf. You can’t have it both ways. With young children around (and even not) a lot of people do find texting far more convenient/less annoying than phone calls.

it sounds like you only want the friendships on your terms and maybe you are going to have to try meeting them half way.

I think this can be quite common after a bereavement especially a sudden, shocking one. It feels like a violent hurricane has ripped through your house, knocked down your walls, torn off the roof and you're stood there, wondering how you're still breathing. But your neighbours houses aren't affected and their lives continue as normal. Where ARE they?

To a large degree, I get it but I also think it shows the true depth of your friendships unfortunately. They liked 'fun you' but don't have any capacity for 'grieving you'. When I had a sudden bereavement, I would say about 3 or 4 friends were incredible but then many people who I thought would be there just disappeared. One friend had gone through a similar loss and I'd supported her through it but when I needed help, nope, she wasn't there. Maybe it triggered all her feelings too, who knows

Anger is a massive part of bereavement and while your feelings are legit, I probably wouldn't let them have it with both barrels as it likely won't make you feel any better. It may just add to your feelings of isolation so it's probs better to get some grief counselling and process it all in a safe environment.

I'm three years on from my loss and at times it still feels like I'm living in a half-hurricane-demolished house but I'm calmer about the friends who weren't there when I needed them. I think I've just sort of accepted that they couldn't help because they'd never been through anything like that and didn't know how to. It's not really an excuse but that's how my brain has made peace with it.

Long post (sorry!) but I just wanted to say that I understood the feelings you are describing.

You need to find a bereavement group. Hard as it is, these days most people are too busy and struggling to offer therapeutic help. I also really hate phone calls. Though am always happy to meet in person.

I think a big part of the problem is you don't text back.

I honestly have lost patience with friends who never text back and therefore I just don't invest in the relationship. I think never texting back shows a lack of care about the friendship. I don't expect instant replies but if someone can't find one minute over the course of a few days I just don't have the energy, especially as she's told you don't text back so she's let you know she sees this as an issue.

I wouldn't call someone who doesn't text back. I'd assume they didn't want to hear from me.
They probably think you are not interested in the friendship and have backed off.

I wonder if some of your anger is transference from your bereavement? Sometimes when you are angry at a particular situation and haven't worked out how it has really impacted you the brain seeks the 'easiest target' and this might be your friends? What bereavement support have you had so far?

There also seems to be a bit of resentment tied up in how you've provided financially for these people (unless I have read the OP incorrectly) and now when you want something (support) in return you are angry it isn't happening. Some people don't see relationships as transactional (rightly or wrongly) and they won't necessarily be thinking it's now time to return the favour. It might be worth thinking about your expectations and how transactional you are and why that is?

In the longterm your life will get better (I know it doesn’t feel like it now) and there will be a point where those “friends” need someone. You will have moved on with your life, with new friends. They may remember that they weren’t around for you that much and they will think about it. I think that’s all I can recommend.

I know we like to talk these days about friends being as important as family. But not all friends feel like that and won’t stand by others in the way that some families would.

Some of you must be missing the part where I said I don’t need a hand hold through life but checking in every week or so would be nice. I’m not saying I call every day and/or harass them.

and I do respond to texts, when I have the time, but they respond to calls - never.

I also don’t want to go out with the kids but if it means seeing my friend every now and then so be it! We have a huge house that the kids can just play together either in the garden on all the equipment or in the playroom. She knows this and could call around anytime.

those wondering about open door policy - come round evenings/weekends/whenever. Again, just give me a quick call and see if I’m in. My best friend USED to just let herself in and id come home and see her. That’s how close we were hence why im taken back by the change. And yes it is very weird that our kids haven’t met in 4 years.

Could you arrange something with the kids? Or have you tried and your friend refuses?

Sorry for your loss.

She says I don’t text back. Which is true as I am a) incredibly busy and can’t have a conversation over text

You do realise that when you're incredibly busy a text is much quicker, even a quick text to say I'll message you later. Or even saying to your friends if I don't reply straight away I'm not ignoring you. But your comment about not texting back because you're too busy seems OTT. If you want to make time for friends you will, I think you're being harsh on your friend.

Sorry, this is me too. I have never done chatting on the phone, I am great with a text conversation too. Why would you assume you were more busy than her when you both have young families? Texts are easier to manage than a long conversation when you're busy as well.

She has been contacting you, just not how you want her to.

Do you have a partner or anyone who can look after your kids while you go out?

Thank you for your input, I am absolutely angry about my loss but definitely feel it’s a separate issue with my friends. Purely because of the stuff I’ve supported them through, and also been there through bereavement for some of them. More or less put my family life on hold to be there for them and they can’t be bothered to even check in. That’s what hurts.

My update might explain this a little better. And yes we both have partners and plenty of child care. Her retired MIL also lives with her