If your mum/dad died when you were a child..

[Letsgroove]

Did you talk about it within your family or was everything swept under the carpet?

My mum died when I was 7. This was back in the 80s. I don’t remember a lot about it and nobody ever mentioned my mum and that is how it has remained. Very rarely my dad will mention her now that we are all
grown up; it’s just not a topic we ever discuss. I’ve just started counselling after all these years and it’s coming to light that the not talking about my mum especially within my family is one of my biggest issues. I would find it totally uncomfortable and awkward to bring up the subject with my siblings or dad and wondered if anyone else still can’t talk about their parent’s death because it wasn’t spoken about at the time?

Not me, but a close friend lost her mum when she was 5 years old. It was never talked about. Her father re married quickly and the step mum raised her alongside their new DC. Now she’s in her 50s and her mum is still very rarely mentioned; on the occasions she is, it’s never in fondness, just clinical facts . I find it very odd and I know it has impacted my friend.

I’m sorry the same happened to you.

I’m probably about the same age as you. My dad died in the 80’s when I was 7 and like you he/ his death was just never mentioned. We don’t mark his birthday, the day he died, anything. It’s very hard.

And yes like you I don’t feel able to bring it up with siblings or my mum or extended family.
I have soo many questions but it feels like a no go area.

@RoomWithAPew thanks for sharing that. Seems like a very similar situation.

@Itstoday Sorry to hear you went through the same. Do you feel like you’re ever going to get any answers from anyone?

I have a similar but slightly different situation. My DM's Mum died when she was 5. That's literally all I know. No idea how or why and it's never, ever discussed.

As somebody else said, it feels like a complete no go area, I don't even know what her name was. I'm not sure DM knows that much about it either.

As a result of many things, my relationship with DM isn't great, so I would never ask, it's a very odd one.

Same happened to us in the eighties too. All photos were removed too, it was like they never existed.

My dad died when I was one and no one ever spoke about him, my mum didn't even tell me how he died until I asked. His family stopped bothering with us not long after so I never had any input from them either, I know next to nothing about my dad. Within my extended family on mums side it was very much 'don't upset your mother, she's been through enough '. No one ever considered the effect it might have on the children.

@Londono @Flowerfairy101 sorry you had a similar experience to me. Do you think it has an impact on your adult life? I guess I’ve tried to forget what happened but recently it’s been playing on my mind; I feel like it’s because my DD has just reached the age I was when my mum died.

I was seven when my mother became ill with cancer and almost 11 when she died.

My parents didn't speak about her illness at all. Because of my age, I simply thought of it as "our" normal. It was only when she became bedridden in her last year did I think something was amiss.

When she died, my father never spoke about her.
Seeing that they didn't speak of her illness, it is not surprising to me.

I can say that it did affect me because when she died, our family as a unit died with her. It was almost like we closed a chapter of our lives and simply lived and inhabited each other's spaces. We weren't really a family anymore.

My father in his later years (he outlived her by 30 years) always answered questions I may have had about her but I was careful not to pry very much. He was simply matter-of-fact. Anything I wanted to learn about her was answered by her sisters and interestingly, they answer simply with no embellishment. I was lucky that my sister is eight years older so she remembers our mother before her illness. In a way, I am a little bit jealous of her because she has those memories.

This such a sad thread.

I'm sure the parents you lost loved you very much.

My dad died when I was 13 in the mid 90’s. He had an aggressive lung cancer and my family were (it felt) brutally honest and blasé about it. He died 6 months after diagnosis and it was only discussed in a practical way in the immediate months after and never spoken about after. Tbf none of my friends, teachers mentioned it either was like it never happened. It has had a profound impact and I can be quite cold about stuff, desensitised to others bereavements, illnesses. I don’t mean to but it provokes a shutdown. Changed the whole course of my life in many ways.

My dd died in the 90s when i was 6. We still had photos etc but don't really speak about him apart from matter of fact. I find that the hardest thing is that I am so desensitised to death and feel like I have very little empathy around it. I wish I knew more about his character etc. As it is I feel like I don't know him and i have no memories of him

Me.
Dad died when I was 5. never talked about since. I feel there's a whole part of me missing that I don't understand. my mum is awkward if I bring him up so I don't anymore. I feel angry really as I can't imagine if my partner died I'd just forget about them and not speak of him to the kids again.

I lost my mum when I was young and was sent to live with an aunt. It was never mentioned either. I talked quite openly with friends, but never with my family including my grandma and aunt (mum's mum and sister).

My dad died when I was 4. He committed suicide in our home( I didn’t find out how he died until I was late teens) however it was all swept under the carpet. No one spoke about him. My mum thought this was the best way however after she did a bereavement course group through church she realised she had done it all wrong.

we still don’t talk about him and it all happened 42 years ago. My gran had him on a pedestal but when I found out Ihow he died I was angry that he hadn’t got help for his problems and I felt he abandoned us. I feel let down by the one man I should have been able to have trusted.

im thankful for my uncle and for dh as they have restored my faith in men.

Sorry that was an essay!

Yes massively. I had awful attachment and OCD issues throughout my childhood and then alcohol issues to mask that in my teens and twenties. Caused by my dad's death, but perhaps if I'd been offered any sort of support or acknowledgement that I had lost someone too rather than everyone saying 'oh she's too young to remember!' I might have been able to process it better. I also have a poor relationship with DM for many reasons but I do feel resentful that she has always put herself first and viewed herself as the main victim rather than giving her children what they needed. for everyone who has experienced similar.

I lost my mother when I was ten and like previous posters am desensitised when it comes to death. My 67 year old partner’s 93 year old mother is in the latter stages of dementia and he is already talking about how is going to cope when she’s gone. I feel like screaming it’s not like you’re ten years old FFS.

@2chocolateoranges I am so sorry for your loss and glad you have good support to show you positive loving male role models.

I understand you have your own feelings to process about your father. If I may give a different perspective - my DB died by suicide. He loved his children so much but believed (wrongly) they would do better without him. He asked for help but that request isn't always heard or acted upon and even when it is, cannot always provide what you need to get you past the thoughts. And sometimes "help" is worse than nothing at all. 40 plus years ago I'm not even sure what help someone could have asked for... That help didn't stop my brother taking his life and leaving his wife and children, and all his family and friends, bereft.

All to say - there may be a different version of your story that is a loving father doing what he thought was best. He loved you. But he couldn't go on living with an unbearable pain.

Similar story to others... my mum died in an accident when I was one, and my dad remarried just over a year later. I didn't find out about it until I was about 10. She is never spoken about. If I ask my dad, he starts to cry, which is heartbreaking. Particularly as it's been nearly 50 years since it happened.

@NCGrandParent have seen it from another side, my sibling attempted suicide a few years ago and after speaking to his ICU nurse who was also a mental health nurse she said that when someone has decided to kill themselves they feel like by killing themselves they are giving their children a better future without them as they would be holding them back . However as a child that it’s happened to it feels like they couldn’t give a shit and left without a second thought.

i just feel that most men are a disappointment, thankfully my uncle and dh have proven me wrong.

Also in this club sadly. Mum passed when I was 9. No funeral, off to school the next day and brought myself (badly) & find a lot of adulting hard (emotionally dysfunctional, eating disorders etc etc). My dad as useless too - he was who he was and did his best but could not give me what I needed (to grieve!!!!???). Too awkward to talk about with family, siblings not close anyway.

Similar story here. 80s and was simply never spoken about again.

This sentence from another poster really resonates with me I had awful attachment and OCD issues throughout my childhood. I was the same and nobody ever tried to help me. When I think of the child I was, I still find it staggering that nobody reached out ho try to help me when it was so obvious.

I had terrible relationships in my twenties and early thirties and the more someone rejected me, the harder I tried to cling to them.

Like other posters, we didn’t have a family unit growing up, just individuals house sharing.

It had a profound effect on my life which I didn’t realise until I became a mother. I am fiercely protective of my children but struggle with parenthood as I’m feeling my way through it blindfolded.

My friend's sister died in a car crash age 5, my friend was 7, just the same, she was never mentioned again, her mum got pregnant again a year later & had another daughter. My friend is only now having counselling age 56, she says she never really knew what she had lost until now.

Yes, me. In the 70s and it was never mentioned. A strictly taboo subject. My other parent was and still is distant.

It obviously affected me profoundly. Like a previous poster, I formed bad relationships and clung on to any shred of affection.

It has affected my mental health. I have unhealthy relationship with food in that I over indulge with anything that is pleasurable or comforting.

It affected my bonding with my DD. And I'm ashamed to admit that I see people I love struggling with bereavement and sometimes think to myself "you have no idea how lucky you are to have had that person in your life and to have felt loved by them".