If your mum/dad died when you were a child..

[Letsgroove]

Did you talk about it within your family or was everything swept under the carpet?

My mum died when I was 7. This was back in the 80s. I don’t remember a lot about it and nobody ever mentioned my mum and that is how it has remained. Very rarely my dad will mention her now that we are all
grown up; it’s just not a topic we ever discuss. I’ve just started counselling after all these years and it’s coming to light that the not talking about my mum especially within my family is one of my biggest issues. I would find it totally uncomfortable and awkward to bring up the subject with my siblings or dad and wondered if anyone else still can’t talk about their parent’s death because it wasn’t spoken about at the time?

Sorry to hear this. I don’t have anything specific that my dad did; am sure he just did his best at the time, but what I think many posters lacked was a safe space to talk and show emotions and actually be acknowledged as being bereaved. Luckily these days there is loads more support out there which is easily accessible compared to 30 years ago or so.

Hopefully someone else will give you some better ideas! sending hugs!

These are all very normal feelings from what I have learnt in the last few months. I fell to pieces when DD reached the age I was when my mum died and that’s what triggered my health anxiety. I was sure I was going to die. I had even worked out to the day how old I was and on the day DD reached that exact age, I was so careful all day as I didn’t want anything to happen to me. I’ve come out the other end now through counselling. It’s been a real life saver!

I also get the bit about wondering what life would have been like it my mum hadn’t died. I don’t remember much of her so actually what I’m longing for is what could have been and the idea of a mum.

Hope this thread makes you see that you’re not alone.

I try to reply to everyone; sorry if I’ve missed anyone, it’s a nightmare trying to scroll back!

Thank you to each and everyone of you who has shared your story and made us all realize that we aren’t the only ones who have been through such a tough time. Hope this thread is of some help!

I could have written this.

I've wondered about making videos for my children too but I honestly would prefer if they died with me or before me. I would not like my children to grow up without a mother. I never felt like I was/am a 'whole' person and I don't want that for them. I don't want them to feel 'grateful'/under a compliment to somebody for taking care of (perhaps only some of) their physical needs and I don't want them to grow up without unconditional love

I find parenthood difficult. I never feel I know what I am doing. I frequently tell my children that I am incredibly lucky to be their mum and how proud I am of everything they do. Nobody felt lucky about me being around as a child.

I suffered terribly with health anxiety when my children were very small. I was so petrified at the thought of dying early and leaving them motherless. For a few years it really affected my life but it has gradually improved as they've got older. Now that I'm approaching the age my mum was when she died I'm kind of expecting that to resurface.

I remember realising how weird I was when a friend had a breast cancer scare. She was so upset and cried about possibly not seeing her kids grow up. That's when I realised i wasn't worried about myself, or not seeing my kids grow up, I was worried about my babies, that they'd have to grow up without me.

To the poster who asked what she can do as the surviving parent to support a grieving child I think it's so important to acknowledge what they've lost and allow them space to talk about it. When my mum died my dad was so absorbed in his own grief that he had no capacity to support his children emotionally. He's always been quite selfish to be honest, but when he told me that it was okay for me because I would grow up and have my own family but my mum was everything to him, I'd never been so angry with him. It took every ounce of self control that I had not to tell him that he could have another wife but I'd only ever have one mum. I know it must be so hard to process your own grief at the same time as supporting your child, but please try so hard to let them speak about how they feel.

Space to let your children grieve is really good advice for the PP mentioned above and having an awareness of the hole that has also been left in their lives. Marking days like Father's Day and his birthday could be a comfort obviously but also acknowledging that for them seeing friends with their dads or reading/watching things with dad-heavy storylines could be really difficult.

And I would add that keeping little connections with their dad (when you feel able to) in daily life can be a powerful thing. Eg., Daddy always cut his toast that way too, let me show you the way Daddy taught me to do such and such, I remember once when Daddy made me laugh so much I had to sit down; you're funny like him. Nothing huge necessarily, just having the presence of love and memories is such a comfort. I'm so sorry for your loss x

My Dad died when I was in formative teen years. My family have always talked about him at home and still do. I was however packed off back to boarding school within a week of it occurring where it was not mentioned by anyone (they hadn’t even told those I shared a room with), that was really brutal and I’m still angry and shocked the school thought that was the way to handle it. This was mid 90s.

Thank you all so much. I encourage DD to talk about DH a lot and I try to do so conversationally and… cheerfully? So I give her room to be sad and I acknowledge when I’m sad too, but I also try to remind her of funny things and talk about him causally as well because I don’t want him to be a thing that she’s scared to mention in case it “sets me off”. I’ve also referred her for play therapy – she’s only 5 but she definitely has some separation anxiety, understandably.

This has been a very helpful and important thread for me. I am so sorry for your losses. FWIW, I grieve the loss of my husband so deeply – he was the love of my life and I will never love another romantic partner the way I loved him again. But I grieve for my daughter more, because growing up without her (wonderful, loving) Daddy is a hole I can never fill, no matter how much I try. Your loss is unfathomable and I am so sorry.

@Letsgroove This has been such an interesting thread so thank you and I'm sorry for your loss, and the loss of others on this thread.

My dad died when I was 14. It was relatively sudden as he was diagnosed with cancer that had already spread at diagnosis and so he died within 6 weeks.

My mum never spoke of him and started dating someone else within 3 months and practically moved him in. She let him drink from my dads "greatest dad" mug and banned my brother and I from the living room, where she spent her time with her boyfriend. We all just did our own thing and didn't talk. I spent my time in my room and my brother did the same in his room.

My brother and I didn't speak about it (and since haven't and we are in our 40s now). My dad is never mentioned by anyone and hasn't been since really, except that my mum will slag him off occasionally (she was unhappily married to him). I remember at his funeral staring at the ceiling of the church praying that I wouldn't let anyone see me cry and trying to think of things to distract myself. I was too embarrassed to be seen to cry. I don't think anyone has seen me cry over him to this day but I did cry a lot in secret.

I left school at 16 and got a day office job and a bar job at the weekends and moved out when I was 17 and never moved back.

My relationship with my mum is good now but if I'm honest, I do harbour resentment deep down.

I'm now married and have a young baby but I've had previous bad relationships (not abusive physically but pretty much hanging on to losers that didn't respect me at all).

My issue has been that, in the past, I've allowed men to treat me badly and yet I practically begged them to not leave me. I've also suffered with very bad anxiety around them leaving me/cheating on me (not helped by the fact that some have cheated on me and lied about it over and over). It's so bad that I hate going out to public places with my husband, like restaurants, shopping, holidays, etc, as I'm hyper vigilant and paranoid that he will be eyeing someone up. If we are out and I see an attractive woman my heart literally races at the thought that he will notice her and fancy her. It's so pathetic and I sound like a complete basket case I know. Luckily for me my husband is very understanding and reassuring and patient with me! But for my baby's sake I need to find a way to break this deeply unhealthy habit fast as I want us to enjoy days out as a family. I'm thinking of trying EMDR. I always thought this stemmed from my past bad relationships but I think it's clear that it's likely stemming from abandonment issues.

Anyone else suffering from the same (not to hijack this thread of course)?

@Brewinastorm I definitely allowed myself to be treated like absolute shite in the belief that 'making it work' was some kind of virtue. I was with the same person from the age of 16 until the summer of 2021 when I finally broke away (in my mid-forties) and I quickly let him become my entire world to the detriment of everything else. I was so focused on the fact that he was all the family I had (I was estranged from my mother at the time, totally NC now) that I permitted him to wreak havoc on any trust and self-confidence I had so I did end up pretty paranoid and hypervigilant too. He played a lot of games to ensure I stayed that way so I'm not sure which came first honestly.

I will say that, among many other reasons, I don't think I would cope very well in a relationship now. My Spidey senses are totally scrambled and I just see the very very worst in men. It's not really an issue because, after a really ugly few decades, I'm so bloody relieved to be alive and safe and finally getting on with my life that it's the last thing I want. I'm enjoying being able to be the parent I always wanted to be to my DD and finding a sense of self again. I do think it's admirable that you've been able to move forward and hope you can find the tools you need to keep getting stronger and live the life you deserve.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad in such a cruel way and weren't able to properly grieve.

I acknowledge when I’m sad too, but I also try to remind her of funny things and talk about him causally as well because I don’t want him to be a thing that she’s scared to mention in case it “sets me off”.

This sounds like a great idea @peachgreen . I'm sorry for your loss, you have such a difficult path to navigate now supporting your DC while you are in pain yourself. It sounds like you're doing it far better than my surviving parent did!

Thank you @newtowelsplease . I guess it's a lot easier nowadays when there is more awareness around grief etc. Funnily enough this morning DD had a spontaneous memory of something she did with her Dad when I wasn't around and told me about it. I absolutely treasure those moments, it's so lovely knowing that she remembers him.

This thread resonates with me so much. I have found my place.

My mum died of cancer when I was 10 in the early 70’s. Knew she was ill but didn’t know she was going to leave us. My Uncle told me the day she died. I remember having a good cry with him and then went home to play out with friends. I have never cried about her since. Sounds harsh but it’s as if my emotions left me that day. My sister always told people I obviously didn’t love my mum as I was so emotionless. We were sent away to strangers for a couple of weeks, came back on the day of her funeral. All of these strange people in my house wearing dark clothes. I was left to wonder what was going on.

I used to look for my mum everywhere we went as it didn’t quite sink in that she had left for good. Her name was never mentioned again. I did not speak about her with my siblings until I was an adult. As others have said previously I couldn’t say ‘mum’.
Dad remarried a year later. Horrible woman with children. She was very damaged herself so living with her and her kids was not how I would have liked to grow up.

My worst fear when I had my children was leaving them motherless. So much so the anxiety probably spoilt the enjoyment of mothering them and I found it difficult to show them how much they are loved.

I do find it difficult to show emotions. Have very low self esteem and hate saying goodbye/ good times ending.

After a friendship breakdown a couple of years ago, which absolutely devested me, more than it should have really, I had some counselling but after reading these posts feel that I need some more as has made me realise how damaged I am.

Thank you for starting this thread and for all the PP’s for sharing their sad stories.

This is so sad and so well described.

As regards being called “emotionless” because you didn’t cry much - well, a few days of sobbing helps you to get over being dumped by your boyfriend of three months.
Something like this is not in the same category and therefore many people may deal with it very differently.
I’m sorry it has affected your joy in your own children. I’m sure they do know how much they are loved, especially if you can explain to them what you have just written above x

@CoffeeAndEnnui Thank you so much for your kind words.

I think it's admirable that you found the strength to breakaway and are now enjoying your life with your DD and being free. Sounds like you have everything you need to be happy now :-) and I totally relate to how you felt with with your ex and your reasons for hanging on.

Leaving my kids motherless is my biggest worry and totally stops me from living in the moment and enjoying things. Am
working on it! This situation really does leave lasting damage. Hope you find the strength to go for more counselling. Sending hugs!

I don’t get emotional at good byes(I don’t say good bye, we say see you later as goodbyes seem final to me) but I have an irrational fear of when I say “see you later” to someone who I think isn’t feeling happy, or who looks upset or is feeling down that they will harm themselves!

it’s horrid, I think the worst in every situation.

if I can’t get people on the phone , I fear the worst.

I’m so glad this thread exists, I thought I was the only one. My dad died in quite tragic circumstances when I was little. I have tiny flutters of memories of him but sometimes I wonder if they are just dreams that I’ve convinced myself were real. My mum barely speaks about him, I think the sudden loss was such a shock she’s never gotten over it. As I’ve gotten older and had my own children I’ve found myself desperate to know more about him. Even just the kind of music he liked. Or films he enjoyed. Or things he found funny. I really have to force myself to ask her because there is such a level of awkwardness. My mum never outwardly shows emotion over him but I know it’s because she’s keeping such a tight hold on her emotions. It still feels like it’s so raw for her it might as well have happened yesterday. I do think it’s stopped her moving forward in her life which I find incredibly sad.

My dad had no siblings and his parents died soon after him so I have nobody but my mum to ask questions to. I wish I knew him more.

I also have an intense fear of saying goodbye to someone in case it is out “last goodbye”. It torments me and I’ve had it my whole life. My mum feels the same. In fact I was quite taken aback when my husband said he never thinks this and I realised that actually it’s not the norm to feel this way.

It seems that in this thread people have suffered 2 losses. The loss of the parent, but also the loss of the enjoyment of talking about someone or sharing bout someone.

I hope child bereavement charities focus on this. Dead people need to be talked about, not shut away.

I was just like you OP. My mum died when I was 14 months old. No one ever talked about her and I never brought her up for fear of upsetting my maternal grandmother who brought me up with my father.
I'm in my 70s now and I regret that every single day. I've loved and missed her all my life. I would have been a different person had she been with me, I'm quite sure of that.
A tragedy that goes on and on.

@been and done it. Your post is so poignant, I'm sorry that you have had to live your entire life without your mum or any stories of her to hold close.

Same here @2chocolateoranges My anxiety and catastrophisation have led to panic attacks and nightmares not to mention feeling like I didn't enjoy raising my children because of the fear of losing them. They're grown up now and I feel like I've wasted their childhood through fear.

Thank you x