Page 6 | If your mum/dad died when you were a child..

Letsgroove · 2023-01-20T14:07:36+00:00

Did you talk about it within your family or was everything swept under the carpet? My mum died when I was 7. This was back in the 80s. I don’t remember a lot about it and nobody ever mentioned my mum and that is how it has remained. Very rarely my dad will mention her now that we are all grown up; it’s just not a topic we ever discuss. I’ve just started counselling after all these years and it’s coming to light that the not talking about my mum especially within my family is one of my biggest issues. I would find it totally uncomfortable and awkward to bring up the subject with my siblings or dad and wondered if anyone else still can’t talk about their parent’s death because it wasn’t spoken about at the time?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/01/2023 16:29

I really think losing a parent early gives you access to a horrible club that no one else understands.

l can usually tell pretty soon after meeting soneone if they’ve been affected. There’s an air of melancholy.

l remember working in the 90’s with 2 other young women who’d lost their df at an early age. We all ‘got’ each other. All of us battled depression and anxiety too.

Original poster

Letsgroove · 26/01/2023 19:41

Sleeplessi · 26/01/2023 09:31

I lost my dad when I 9, he died suddenly from a heart attack after going out jogging, he was 36. I’m now 42 and my children are the same age as me and my brother were when my dad died.

I’ve just been reading this thread this morning, and completely by chance I have my first therapy session this afternoon - at the booking appointment on Tues the lady said it sounded like I needed to deal with my childhood trauma. It all felt self indulgent somehow but reading through this has made me realise that what I thought was work related stress probably is more to do with unprocessed childhood grief and my feelings are valid. I’m so sorry that there are so many of us affected by this but thank you for sharing here

I hope your therapy went well today. How did you feel afterwards?

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Original poster

Letsgroove · 26/01/2023 19:46

Bletherblather · 25/01/2023 20:38

Another one here.

Dad died in 2001 when I had just turned 8. Sent to school the next day, not allowed to go to the funeral, never spoken about. To this day I still don't know how he died and cannot bring myself to ask anyone. Seems ridiculous to think at 30 I can't just ask but that whole situation of sweeping it under the carpet just really set me back emotionally, socially.. everything.

I didn't tell a soul at school what had happened. Just went back the next day and pretended everything was ok. If things were different at home and it was spoken about I know I'd have told my friends and had some support there too. But the hush hush and basically ignoring it made me think it was something shameful and not very important.

I really wish someone was looking out for me all of those years ago, I think my whole life would be different now if they had.

Totally get how it feels shameful. I’m only just starting to let go of the shame. And as for feeling it’s ridiculous that you can’t ask questions at your age, I’m in my 40s and I still can’t; I don’t think there is a point where it becomes easier; in fact I think as time goes on, it becomes harder to bring the subject up. So sorry that you’re part of this horrible club 🥲

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Original poster

Letsgroove · 26/01/2023 19:48

eliybetty · 25/01/2023 20:38

My husband passed away from suicide when my kids were 3 and 7. This was 6 years ago. Thankfully I made contact with a child psychologist who advised me what I needed to do. I started both kids in play therapy and when the time was right I let them know that daddy was unwell and stopped his own heart. It still hurts to bring him up but I do for my children's sake. It took 3 years before I was able to hang back up pictures of him.
If he had died 30 years ago I think the advice on how to handle this situation would not be there and things would have been dealt with very differently

So sorry to read about your DH. You’ve done the right thing talking to your children and doing play therapy. They’ll thank you for that in years to come.

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Letsgroove · 26/01/2023 19:52

KitKat499 · 25/01/2023 20:38

@2chocolateoranges
My situation is very similar.. Dad died by suicide in the 90s when I was 4 years old and no one ever explained what happened to him, I found out (through other means) as a teenager. Mum remarried and all was swept under the carpet.

@CoffeeAndEnnui I also struggle to say ‘Dad’ out loud. I have thought about seeking therapy but I would feel embarrassed to tell family why I was in therapy, given the taboo nature around the subject within the family.

I am sure my family were trying to ‘shield’ me from the pain of the truth surrounding my dads death but sometimes I wonder what on earth they were thinking. If this happened to my DH, I could never imagine sweeping him
under the carpet and just assuming my DC were fine.

It was a massive step for me to start therapy and it has been invaluable. I haven’t told my family about it and never would. My DH and friends know, but I don’t discuss all the details of what I talk about with my therapist; it’s a safe space between the two of us and it feels like my own special place to say whatever I want without being judged.

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Letsgroove · 26/01/2023 19:57

Chasedbythechaser · 26/01/2023 01:12

I get embarrassingly upset when I have to say goodbye to people. When my children left nursery, I was inconsolable saying goodbye to their teacher. She thought it was because they were taking their next big step but it wasn't as they and I were both ready, I didn't want to say goodbye to the teacher! I remember being at a colleague's funeral, and going to pieces. I was mortified because we didn't know each other well and I behaved like she was a family member. Another time I cried saying goodbye to the owner of an Air Bnb where we had stayed for a few weeks! I find goodbyes impossibly hard. I never said goodbye to my mother. She went to hospital or maybe to a hospice and never came home. I don't even know where she passed away. So much was left unsaid and I could never ask because it was not spoken about.

I knew the above related to losing my mother at a very young age but I didn't realise other people who had lost their parents would also find goodbyes hard. Tonight reading the above post is like a revelation to me. And yet at times I can be as cold as ice and feel completely detached from situations and friends. When friendships fade, I can carry on as if the person never existed.

My DC asked me recently for a hug, and said we hadn't hugged for a long time. I didn't realise that. We kiss goodnight and chat but we don't hug and I didn't even realise. I have no idea how to be a mother and I don't know if I am meeting their emotional needs or even what their emotional needs are. Small children aren't meant to grow up without a mother. I love my children but I wonder if they would flourish with a mother who knew how to create a loving home. I don't have a clue what that looks like.

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This is ME!!! I had to wear sunglasses to pick my dd up from her last day of nursery. 😎
As for not knowing how to be a mother, that’s got my name written all over it too. I’m not the mum I thought I’d be.

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KitKat499 · 26/01/2023 20:11

@CoffeeAndEnnui I am so sorry this happened to you too. I hope it does not come across crass when I say, I take comfort in knowing someone else has been through this. It has always felt like such a unique set of circumstances to me that I thought no one could ever relate to.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work, well done you for getting yourself and DD out of there, that must of been no mean feet.

It’s clear to see how attitudes have changed over the years from PP’s. It seems in the past it was thought the less children know the better, it makes me happy to see people/parents seeking therapy and encouraging a healthy way of working through grief. It will save a world of confusion and upset later on in life. I hope I can get there myself one day too.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/01/2023 20:16

This thread has been amazing. Thank you for starting it.

Original poster

Letsgroove · 26/01/2023 20:33

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/01/2023 16:29

I really think losing a parent early gives you access to a horrible club that no one else understands.

l can usually tell pretty soon after meeting soneone if they’ve been affected. There’s an air of melancholy.

l remember working in the 90’s with 2 other young women who’d lost their df at an early age. We all ‘got’ each other. All of us battled depression and anxiety too.

It’s definitely something other people can’t understand if they haven’t been through it. Sorry that you’re part of the club 😥

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Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/01/2023 21:00

I’m also part of the bereaved as a child gang. My mum died when I was 12. She had cancer but didn’t tell us. I was left with my dad who probably did his best but he was a drinker and not a great parent. I believe the wrong parent died for me. I told my older sister a while ago as she articulated for the first time how difficult it must have been at the time. I think I shocked her when I said that.

it’s only in recent years (I’m now nearly 50) that I’ve realised both health and emotional issues I have are down to the fact I suffered such an awful bereavement.

There is a FB group called Adults bereaved as Children which is very supportive and I am a member of. People are kind, understanding and it’s a really safe space. It’s worth joining if you’re on FB.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 29/01/2023 10:09

My dad died suddenly in the late 1980's when I was 14. We had one day off school and were allowed to go to the funeral but it there was no ongoing support (in fact, 5 weeks later my friends all discussed what they were buying their dads for father's day in front of me with not a second thought). It, and the events that followed, have impacted my whole life. As the oldest of four, I picked up the caring for everyone role through some very tough years.

After years of anxiety and catastrophisation, and feeling like I have to carry everyone else's burdens, I started seeing a therapist three months ago. I can't recommend it enough. To anyone who thinks it's too late - it's really not. I knew that I couldn't carry on feeling scared of loss and doubting myself all the time and I was just exhausted by it. I'm finally doing something just for me.

Mangolist · 29/01/2023 12:57

Someone earlier said about being irritated by people who were distraught and over the top when their parent died at the age of 80 plus. Yes this gets me too. I understand totally losing someone you've had in your life forever - my mum died aged 89 a few years back and it threw me; but normally they have another parent still alive which we just..don't. Harsh probably but I do struggle with that.

OnaBegonia · 29/01/2023 21:07

@Mangolist
It was myself that said it, friend grief stricken and shocked at death of 95 yr old grandparent, my DD15 lost her dad last year that IS devastating yet they never ask how she is doing.

Sleeplessi · 30/01/2023 08:02

I was a bit on the fence about the first therapy session. Please can I ask what sort of therapy you would recommend? This was CBT and it was very much focussed on “symptoms” ie when I struggle to sleep, lots of talk about deep breathing etc which I get I useful but I kept trying to say that I don’t want to deal with the surface symptoms of anxiety but more talk about what happened and try to make sense of it. Is that possible with therapy or is that considered unproductive and I should focus on the future and managing anxiety…? Found it a bit frustrating but I get it’s supposed to be hard…

Sleeplessi · 30/01/2023 08:03

Sorry this was in response to your question OP about how the therapy went! I realised I haven’t tagged / quoted…!

dormouses · 30/01/2023 09:27

Sleeplessi · 30/01/2023 08:02

I was a bit on the fence about the first therapy session. Please can I ask what sort of therapy you would recommend? This was CBT and it was very much focussed on “symptoms” ie when I struggle to sleep, lots of talk about deep breathing etc which I get I useful but I kept trying to say that I don’t want to deal with the surface symptoms of anxiety but more talk about what happened and try to make sense of it. Is that possible with therapy or is that considered unproductive and I should focus on the future and managing anxiety…? Found it a bit frustrating but I get it’s supposed to be hard…

I found CBT absolutely useless. I realised because it didn't focus on the route cause of my issues, rather how to deal with my feelings now. Every time I raised the issues from my childhood with the counsellor, they glossed over them and refocused on now.

This was NHS so I eventually paid for a private psychotherapist who specialised in trauma and it was completely different. He did EMDR therapy with me which i was really sceptical about (Prince Harry was all over the news talking about it at the time, which didn't help!). But it was really useful, we spent a LOT of time talking about my childhood trauma and bereavement, no CBT at all.

I think finding the right therapist - and kind of therapist is key.

peachgreen · 30/01/2023 09:37

Just wanted to thank you all for this thread. I’m the parent of a bereaved child – DD was 2.5 when her Daddy died suddenly – and this has been a hard read but a very important one.

If any of you have the emotional energy to tell me, I would love to know about anything that your surviving parent did that WAS helpful.

gorillalala · 30/01/2023 10:18

I lost my mum when I was 3 in the 80s, I don't remember much about my childhood at all (though I have an extremely vivid memory of one of my uncles lifting me up to look at my mum inside the coffin at the funeral, and looking around and seeing my dad and all my uncles crying).

My family never really spoke about her at all, and as I got older it was hard to ask anything. Occasionally one of my extended family might say something like "oh you're a jack of all trades just like your mum was" or "wow with your hair like that you look just like her" and at events (usually funerals) some distant family friends might talk about her... but my dad has rarely ever mentioned her. I also find it hard to talk about her with my siblings as there is this awkwardness around it that we've all grown up with, I don't even know what to call her - similar to others on this thread too.

As I've grown older I've had suspicions that my lack of any childhood memories was because somehow my brain has just blocked everything out. I think it's somehow helped to protect me as I'm an emotionally strong person now, which is good and bad as I just block out all emotion really - my sisters and husband call me a robot.

My older sister on the other hand (she was 5) remembers so much childhood stuff but also she's a really fucked up adult, lots of attachment and relationship issues. I do think it's because our mum died when she was that little bit older and I've tried to get her to go for therapy in general for her issues as I think they'll explore this too.

My DD is now around the same age I was when my mum died and I've started to think about it often as I'm terrified of dying and leaving her and her little brother without a mum. If I found out I had terminal cancer (which is how my mum died) I would make lots of videos talking to them and telling them how much I love them and teaching them how to be good adults and I would also instruct DH to speak about me to them all time.

I rarely ever cry in front of people about anything, but every now and then, even at the age of 39 if I think about it and wonder about what life would have been like with a loving mother figure, I have a good old sob about what I lost and never got the chance to experience.

Sorry for the essay - it's just good to finally be able to say all this to people who understand, I thought it was just our family (my dad) that was weird but seems like it is (was) the done thing, maybe the adults in the situation thought they were protecting us by not talking about it or maybe they were simply protecting themselves as it was all too painful.

Sleeplessi · 30/01/2023 11:23

dormouses · 30/01/2023 09:27

I found CBT absolutely useless. I realised because it didn't focus on the route cause of my issues, rather how to deal with my feelings now. Every time I raised the issues from my childhood with the counsellor, they glossed over them and refocused on now.

This was NHS so I eventually paid for a private psychotherapist who specialised in trauma and it was completely different. He did EMDR therapy with me which i was really sceptical about (Prince Harry was all over the news talking about it at the time, which didn't help!). But it was really useful, we spent a LOT of time talking about my childhood trauma and bereavement, no CBT at all.

I think finding the right therapist - and kind of therapist is key.

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Thank you so much! Really pleased that you found the right approach in the end. Found CBT quite unhelpful as it was so frustrating - feel ready to talk about stuff and this seemed to be a waste of time and so disappointing after building myself up to be ready (for 33 years!)

thanks so much

Flowerfairy101 · 30/01/2023 14:11

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this thread and it's been so helpful in realising that I'm entitled to grief and sadness and that child me was important too. I just wondered if anyone has had a chat with their own children about what happened to your mum/dad who passed away, or been asked by them? My own DD is only 2 but I imagine at some point she'll wonder where grandpa on mummy's side is especially as she has 2 grandparents on her dad's side.
I think I'd find this really hard to manage and feel quite angry that my own mum, by not ever talking to me about my dad, hasn't equipped me with the info or ability to talk about him to others. Also my dad died in quite unpleasant circumstances which I wouldn't feel able to tell DD until she was much older. Has anyone got any tips? I suppose I just gloss over it for now but I feel like that sort of passes the lack of emotional openness down the generations!

BeBraveAndBeKind · 30/01/2023 15:28

dormouses · 30/01/2023 09:27

I found CBT absolutely useless. I realised because it didn't focus on the route cause of my issues, rather how to deal with my feelings now. Every time I raised the issues from my childhood with the counsellor, they glossed over them and refocused on now.

This was NHS so I eventually paid for a private psychotherapist who specialised in trauma and it was completely different. He did EMDR therapy with me which i was really sceptical about (Prince Harry was all over the news talking about it at the time, which didn't help!). But it was really useful, we spent a LOT of time talking about my childhood trauma and bereavement, no CBT at all.

I think finding the right therapist - and kind of therapist is key.

Show quote history

I had the same experience with CBT - he just kept shutting down what I wanted to talk about and at one point told me that I should just try and think in a different way! Like it's that easy.

I'm seeing a psychodynamic counsellor now which is very much about talking about the experiences and how they have shaped me. I'm looking to unwind the coping mechanisms I've had in place for so long but now aren't serving me any more.

Original poster

Letsgroove · 30/01/2023 20:54

BeBraveAndBeKind · 29/01/2023 10:09

My dad died suddenly in the late 1980's when I was 14. We had one day off school and were allowed to go to the funeral but it there was no ongoing support (in fact, 5 weeks later my friends all discussed what they were buying their dads for father's day in front of me with not a second thought). It, and the events that followed, have impacted my whole life. As the oldest of four, I picked up the caring for everyone role through some very tough years.

After years of anxiety and catastrophisation, and feeling like I have to carry everyone else's burdens, I started seeing a therapist three months ago. I can't recommend it enough. To anyone who thinks it's too late - it's really not. I knew that I couldn't carry on feeling scared of loss and doubting myself all the time and I was just exhausted by it. I'm finally doing something just for me.

So glad you are finally doing something for you. That’s exactly how I felt when I started therapy a few months back. I felt it was time to concentrate on me because I had ignored my own feelings and thoughts for so long that they were getting the better of me. I’m with you when you say it’s never too late- hoping that it encourages others on this thread to go ahead and seek counselling.

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Original poster

Letsgroove · 30/01/2023 21:19

Sleeplessi · 30/01/2023 08:02

I was a bit on the fence about the first therapy session. Please can I ask what sort of therapy you would recommend? This was CBT and it was very much focussed on “symptoms” ie when I struggle to sleep, lots of talk about deep breathing etc which I get I useful but I kept trying to say that I don’t want to deal with the surface symptoms of anxiety but more talk about what happened and try to make sense of it. Is that possible with therapy or is that considered unproductive and I should focus on the future and managing anxiety…? Found it a bit frustrating but I get it’s supposed to be hard…

Oh no, sorry it didn’t go so well. I just go to a counsellor who deals with all sorts of issues including grief and bereavement and we talk about whatever I want to talk about. It’s lead by me so if I’m not ready to explore something, we leave it alone and it may come up in a following session. I found her by looking on this website www.bacp.co.uk

I went through the ones in my area and narrowed it down to a few who I liked the look of and then took a look at their websites and chose from there. I pay privately but it’s money well spent.

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Original poster

Letsgroove · 30/01/2023 21:23

Flowerfairy101 · 30/01/2023 14:11

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this thread and it's been so helpful in realising that I'm entitled to grief and sadness and that child me was important too. I just wondered if anyone has had a chat with their own children about what happened to your mum/dad who passed away, or been asked by them? My own DD is only 2 but I imagine at some point she'll wonder where grandpa on mummy's side is especially as she has 2 grandparents on her dad's side.
I think I'd find this really hard to manage and feel quite angry that my own mum, by not ever talking to me about my dad, hasn't equipped me with the info or ability to talk about him to others. Also my dad died in quite unpleasant circumstances which I wouldn't feel able to tell DD until she was much older. Has anyone got any tips? I suppose I just gloss over it for now but I feel like that sort of passes the lack of emotional openness down the generations!

I’ve told my kids that my mum died when I was young; it came up when they asked if I was in grandma’s tummy and I had to say no, she’s not my real mum, she’s grandpa’s second wife. They have mentioned it a few times but don’t really seem too bothered by it. They know my mum was ill and that’s why she died but that’s the extent of it. Am sure they’ll ask more questions in the future!

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CoffeeAndEnnui · 31/01/2023 02:01

@KitKat499 it's not crass at all, I feel exactly the same way. I've found the extraordinarily similar themes running through this thread quite overwhelming but the sense that there is a community of us is rather lovely too.

@Flowerfairy101 my DD has always been very curious about the connections between people so I knew there would be questions. I told her early on that for a very long time I hadn't been able to talk about my daddy and that I might cry sometimes if she asked about him but that they would always be tears of love.

Now she's older (11) if we speak about suicide in general or my dad in particular I try to be open about how powerful it can be to share stories about our feelings of sadness and loss and how pain can become part of healing. I also try to speak about him more in general so she knows he lived a life before his death.

Honestly, it's really fucking hard. But it's worth it to break that cycle of silence.