If your mum/dad died when you were a child..

[Letsgroove]

Did you talk about it within your family or was everything swept under the carpet?

My mum died when I was 7. This was back in the 80s. I don’t remember a lot about it and nobody ever mentioned my mum and that is how it has remained. Very rarely my dad will mention her now that we are all
grown up; it’s just not a topic we ever discuss. I’ve just started counselling after all these years and it’s coming to light that the not talking about my mum especially within my family is one of my biggest issues. I would find it totally uncomfortable and awkward to bring up the subject with my siblings or dad and wondered if anyone else still can’t talk about their parent’s death because it wasn’t spoken about at the time?

Oh my goodness, this thread cuts deep. It's bittersweet to realise how many of us there really are.

I lost my father to suicide just before my 10th birthday and it was NEVER spoken of so it was a while before I fully understood he had taken his life but I knew something 'wrong' had happened. He was living away from the family home after, I later realised, struggling with his mental health. I was told not to ask questions about what had happened and never allowed to read a letter he had written me.

There were no photos of him in our house, there is no nameplate in the cemetery where his ashes were scattered and his picture was excluded from my aunt's special cabinet of family members who had passed (which for some reason hurt most of all). I carried the loss like a stone in the pit of my stomach for 20 years and struggled to even say the words dad or daddy out loud, even as an adult.

I decided to become a Samaritan, in his memory, still without being able to talk about his death. I literally had to phone my group leader the night before our big 'active suicide' training session to explain that I wasn't sure what would happen if I said the words out loud. And then I did and there was an instant shift, it was really strange but it changed everything.

There's now a picture of him in my kitchen that a family friend managed to track down and I went back to the cemetery after I completed my training to tell him and, I guess, say a proper goodbye. I'm probably still fucked up and fractured but I talk to my DD about him and try to honour his memory as best I can.

Huge respect to those of you who are able to have painful conversations with your children. It matters, thank you x

My mum died suddenly when I was 10, in the 90's. My dad was actually my stepdad, though nobody told me that until I was older. Had worked it out even before my mum died though. He was not a talker, and I wasn't even taken to my mums funeral.

He died two years later.

My family talk about them now. But it's not accurate.

o wish they had all talked before they died, so that I could maybe find my bio dad.

and struggled to even say the words dad or daddy out loud, even as an adult

Yes, l struggled with this.

This is both a heartbreaking and wonderful thread.

’Children are resilient’ how l hate this term. It seems on this thread we all buried are feelings. But they haven’t gone away……

My mum died in childbirth (with me). I was raised by other family members I thought of as my parents but I also knew and loved my ‘real’ dad - and called him dad.

It must have been fairly open in that I always knew the situation, who everyone was etc, nothing was ever hidden. I didn’t talk about my birth mum much at all though - I brought it up with my real dad once and it culminated in a trip to her grave and having to deal with all his emotions and I think I just thought as a child ‘nope, didn’t like that’ so kind of shut it down myself. To some extent it’s still a bit like that - if I try to ask certain other things about her now, things I’d like to know, I end up having to deal with all their sadness and grief and I’m not always up to that.

I actually had therapy after the mum who brought me up died when I was in my 30s. I didn’t intend to talk about my birth mum at all really and had only mentioned it in passing - the therapist really picked up on it though and almost forced me to explore it a bit more and come to terms with a lot of the attachment stuff and trauma associated with it. Previously I’d been VERY invested in the idea that it didn’t affect me, I already had a mum who was amazing and so to wish things had been different would be to wish that away, and I’d always worried it would be hurtful to the family who raised me. It wasn’t till I was pregnant with my own daughter that it really hit me I don’t think.

My ‘real’/ birth dad died when I was 13. Although he wasn’t so much a parent figure as a sort of favourite uncle or something, we had had a close relationship and I loved him. That was discussed a bit more freely and I felt more comfortable bringing him up - though I still didn’t do it too much.

People would often as a child mentioned things I did/ physical features that were similar to my birth parents. It was never some painful subject not to be discussed. But I definitely avoided it as much as possible even so - I think as a child I just didn’t want to think about it/ deal with it and I couldn’t face the emotions it brought up in everyone else.

It’s hard now as an adult because I do have questions and things I wish I knew and there’s not really anyone left to ask.

I have a 2 year old - she’s seen pictures of my (adoptive) mum and knows it’s ‘nana’ but obviously we’ve not gone any deeper. At some point I’d like her to know about ALL of the grandparents on my side, and her full background, but I must admit I’m not sure how I’ll go about that since none of those people are still around so less opportunities for discussion to arise naturally.

Thank you Cileymyrus. They have had counselling. So have I. It's been helpful, but I wouldn't be surprised if they need more later. I think a profound loss like that doesn't ever go away, but changes and resurfaces at different stages of life. Reading this thread confirms that. It is never too late to seek help though. Please don't let a feeling that you should be 'over it' stop you. That's not how grief works.

I’ve found, that as I’ve got older the pain has almost got harder.

l was in denial for years. Probably until about 15 l pretended my df was still alive.

l remember being on a beach age about 25. A dad was towelling off his dc and playing with them. I just got this horrible horrible empty feeling and started crying. That emptiness haunted me again and again. It’s kept at bay by anti depressants now. I remember telling my ex bf who was on the beach with me, that l was jealous of him having a dad. So many weird feelings. I felt l lacked solidity, or the safety a dad brings.

In fact that jealousy has returned with every new aquaintance l have met who’s had a df. It’s not jealousy, more envy maybe, or a longing.

Not a parent but my beloved maternal aunt died when I was young, before she died I saw her every week, after she died no one spoke about her. Was like she never existed.

So when my Dad died, I was 18, my mother never spoke about his death or his illness and made it clear that she felt we had no right to grieve as he was "only" our Dad.

My maternal granddad also never gets spoken about in any way. He died when I was 20.

Some people deal with (or don't deal with) grief in a weird way.

My dm died when I was five. It was 1980 and yes, it was swept under the carpet.

Within four months my df had moved in his new partner and her children ( I was an only child) and three months after that we moved away from the area, cutting ties with her family and friends. My df had already lost his dps so the only family I has was my step dm's.

My dm and entire extended family were never mentioned. No photos. I later learned that my df and step dm had thrown them away together.

I became a tough, resilient little thing. Worked hard at school and moved away as soon as I could.

When I think back to my childhood I have happy memories of school, my friends and my part-time job, but I never felt like I belonged at home. I certainly didn't feel loved.

There was sort of an unspoken, bittersweet tension with my dad. I remember him giving me sad smiles and the odd kind word or encouragement when it was just the two of us, but those moments were rare.

I was never cuddled no one showed any warmth or boosted me up. I knew it wasn't normal but I just shut down and got on with things.

I have had counselling as an adult but probably not enough. I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life I think ( nearly 50 now), but it was just my normal and my default setting has always been to bury my feelings and just get on with it.

As a mum I have always done my best to show my dc that they are loved. I do think I have tried to make them too self-reliant though and this has backfired.

Was it Larkin who said your parents fuck you up? Well, losing one of them as a child fucks you up even more. I feel incomplete, slightly invisible, and am only now, since my most recent round of therapy, learning how to love myself. I have no doubt that this deep lack stems from my childhood trauma.

Sending love to all those who carry the same trauma.

Love also to the bereaved parents. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I'm sure my df did what he could, even if it was not enough, or totally the wrong thing.

The times I have always struggled have been when my daughters say the words daddy or dad. I have never been able to say that word to someone. It's really painful.

My mum died when I was 11.
I had to go and live with the man she married 2 weeks before she died,she died in Christie’s from cervical cancer she’s been poorly for a couple of years.

The man used to tell me it was my fault she’d died.
I grew up with that (and sleeping on a sofa for 2 years in his living room whilst my belongings were in black bags) until at age 17 (just) he beat me up and threw me out.

Meanwhile my half sister (his daughter) with my mum who was 2 had her own room and was cherished.

Prety much my experience. Dad died in the 60s when I was 13 and siblings were 8 and 6. I wasn't allowed to attend his funeral (went to school instead), we moved to London to live with GPs because DM needed to find work, and we avoided mentioning DF because it upset her so much. And 'D'GM (his mother) decided she didn't want me visiting after we moved because 'we had nothing in common.' An attitude that I'm glad to say wasn't shared by DF's siblings, esp his sister, who all kept in touch with and visited up to a few months before she died.

This is virtually my story too! Alcohol, self esteem, depression. My mum died a few years ago and I have such confused feelings about her

Mine too, including the feelings about my late mother. There was nothing around to help in the 60s - or even if there was, my family would have regarded having to resort to therapy as shameful because there's something wrong with you - which there was, of course. And YY to it being all about DM's grief and he children being forgotten.

I really didn’t think I’d get so many replies on this subject because it’s such an isolating situation that you can’t imagine others have gone or are going through it.

@Cileymyrus My mum died over 35 years ago and I’ve only just started counselling. I think before that I thought I was ok or that actually nobody could help me because it was so long ago that I ought to be over it by now. So not true. I can 100% recommend that you find someone to talk to.. in my case it has been a life saver and has helped me understand so much about the situation and about me as a person today. It really does feel like I’ve found a safe space to explore all the thoughts going round my head.

Big hugs to everyone who has been through this. It’s a hard place to be.

When I was clearing out my DM's stuff (in DB's garage) I came across some poems he'd written about wanting to be there as his son grew up, not to die and leave a child and being a good dad. So he felt the pain even years later when he became a father.

Yes. My mum died when i was 6. She had cancer and when she knew it was terminal she arranged for me to go to a 'talking doctor' (which i now realise was a psychiatrist). So i was prepared for her death, in some way.

However my father didn't like speaking about her at all. I relished visits to my grandmothers house, because she would tell me stories about my DM and what she was like in childhood. Aunts and uncles would also speak about her. But actually, i feel all their stories were very one sided and one dimensional. My mum became some kind of angelic heroine character who never did anything wrong, no one told me about arguments or disagreements they ever had with her - its only the good stuff that ever got mentioned.

A teacher gave me the book "motherless daughters" when i was in my teens and it was a revelation to me. Suddenly there on the pages were other people who had suffered the same bereavement, and their experiences really echoed mine. It helped me process and not feel quite so alienated from the rest of the world

My mum died when I was 6. Soon after my sister moved to a different city, then my brother followed her. (We had different dads) So in the space of a few months the house went from 5 happy people to 2.

My dad never spoke about my mum or really spoke at all tbh. He worked long hours and didn’t know how to bring up a child. We also moved 5/6 times so had to start at new schools which was hard.

My childhood felt so long and lonely. I can relate to others who feel cold and hardened about death. My grandma and a couple of aunties have since died and I didn’t really feel anything.

Now I’m an adult my dad is strangely very present and helps out with practical things like fixing cars etc. But I still don’t think I’ve got a true connection with him.

My dad also died when I was 6 . It wasn't spoken about . I think the three of us children have all been badly affected by it even now but who's to say if we'd spoken about it alot we would have coped any better ? I know my mum did her very best for us . It's a tough thing for us all . It affected every Xmas every holiday, every family occasion . We all understand on here which is a comfort.

This must be the most heartbreaking thread I have ever read on MN.
I feel a little guilty because o didn't lose a parent until I was in my thirties but it's helped me understand my DM a little bit more.
She was 15 when she lost her mother but never even spoke her name.
Her motto was and is a very hard 'the past is another country'.

I remember vividly my 15th birthday , I was coming down as she was coming up so we met on the landing.
DM became quite angered as she told me that I didn't realise how lucky I was to still have her in my life , and told me that she was my age when she lost her mother.
At the time, and for many years, I thought how strange that reaction was.
But now I understand it was likely an uncontrolled reaction to the most horrific moment in her own life.
I'm still very sad she won't be drawn into talking about her DM, but have far more understanding why it might be so hard.
My heart bleeds for her and every inner child on this thread

musing on a couple of points;

I did find my mum was put on some sort of pedestal. For years I forgave her pretty much anything and everything because she “did her best for us”. In hindsight she was a normal, flawed parent who made many good decisions, but also a lot of bad ones. Probably exacerbated by the fact she no longer had my dad to temper some of her worse or more selfish decisions. We have a pretty dysfunctional relationship as I always tried to fit her idea of what a daughter looks like, because she was trying her best and I needed to support her, rather than allowing me to grow into the person I am and find my own way. Nearly every decision I made as a child and young adult- even uni, degree and career path were made with my mums approval in mind.

also re. The book someone mentioned re. Motherless daughters. I always got the feeling that people saw losing a dad as not so bad, iyswim. Mothers are the main parent, and while the impact of losing that primary carer is immense, it doesn’t lessen the loss of a father. Many of my school friends seemed to think it was no different to divorce, except I didn’t have the hassle of having two houses and weekend visits etc.

This is ABSOLUTELY me too! My mum is highly anxious, highly controlling and I always felt I had to keep my head down and do as I was told so as not to make her life any harder. Also wasn't allowed and felt I couldn't take any risks as she was always on high alert due to my dad dying suddenly and unexpectedly. The rhetoric in our family is 'you have a wonderful mother so be grateful for that, she's given up so much for you'. When children who haven't lost a parent don't have to be grateful for simply being parented! I stayed near her for 15 years because I couldn't be the person to leave her on her own when my sister moved abroad.
I get what other posters are saying about it affecting how you parent your own children too- I find the father-daughter relationship quite strange to watch as it's not something I have any experience of whatsoever. My mum totally diminishes my DP role in our daughter's care as she feels the mum is most important and I suppose that you don't really need a dad, given her children didn't have one and apparently had no issues as a result of that.

I always got the feeling that people saw losing a dad as not so bad, iyswim

I've thought about this a lot lately. When my father died (very suddenly) my DGF was straight on the National Express bus to us to support my mother (she was the only daughter in a family of sons and I suspect his favourite). It was years before it occurred to me that I had no father to leap immediately to my support. The other thing - and this was a major issue - is that I had no-one to check in with about male attitudes and feelings and responses to things. My mother was not someone you could talk to about boys and sex (she had very few boyfriends before marrying DF), I was educated in a single sex school by women and as a result I had no idea how to get and have boyfriends - and it showed in a series of needy clingy relationships that ended in disaster. I always felt that my father was more on my side than my mother was, and his death left a huge hole in my life that I've adapted to but not much better than that.

Even now in my 60s I wonder if he'd be proud of me....

I lost my dad in the mid 80s when I was 6. Rarely spoken of since, and any mentions from my mother were negative, so I know little more about him other than he was financially abusive and lazy. But my mum is negative about most people so I'm sure this is a very skewed view. She never had another relationship instead expecting me to fill the gap. I have recently learnt about complex grief which she has obviously suffered from - a friend who met her 10 years after he died believed she'd been widowed that year, so raw was her grief.

My sibling was 10 years my senior, so obviously experienced it differently to me. In a way I feel she was lucky as she was treated as an adult, and allowed to suffer. I was supposed to get on with it. If my mum still had her marbles she'd laugh at the idea I had a traumatic childhood.

I have no relationship with my sibling and very little with my mother as a result of his death. Haven't seen his siblings for 30 years. Have been suicidal, and am very underachieving as a result of it all.

am very underachieving as a result of it all

I feel this a bit as well. DF was the sort to bolster self-belief and 'you can do this,' really mixed messages from DM. As a result I kept my head down and did the work and was overlooked at school and work. I mean, I have done OK, I wonder if I just could have done better. I do recall him saying one day 'whatever you decide to do in life, we'll always love you.' so maybe I shouldn't worry so much about it. 🙂