If your mum/dad died when you were a child..

[Letsgroove]

Did you talk about it within your family or was everything swept under the carpet?

My mum died when I was 7. This was back in the 80s. I don’t remember a lot about it and nobody ever mentioned my mum and that is how it has remained. Very rarely my dad will mention her now that we are all
grown up; it’s just not a topic we ever discuss. I’ve just started counselling after all these years and it’s coming to light that the not talking about my mum especially within my family is one of my biggest issues. I would find it totally uncomfortable and awkward to bring up the subject with my siblings or dad and wondered if anyone else still can’t talk about their parent’s death because it wasn’t spoken about at the time?

Wow, thanks for every single reply. So sad to know that so many people have been in the same situation, though it does make me feel less alone with my thoughts.

I know that losing my mum at such a young age has affected so many things including my relationship with my kids. It has also been the cause of my health anxiety. I’m sure there are plenty more ways it has impacted me even though I’ve tried to keep it at the back of my mind.

To the posters who have decided to talk to bereaved children and let them know that they are there for them, thank you!

If anyone feels it would help to chat privately, feel free to send me a message. I don’t know anyone in real life who has been through the same so it feels like a big relief to have found people who would understand.

My mother died when I was 9 in the 80's. My dad and family did talk about her occasionally but I found it so difficult to hear that I used to leave the room if she was mentioned. I think I have blocked her memory out as I can't really remember much about her now. I found this especially difficult after I had my own children.

Yes. Mum died suddenly and like @Flowerfairy101 was told my mum had been through enough and I had to "be good and not mention it." Dad completely shut down emotionally from then on. He quickly remarried and more kids. From my immature point of view he seemed to be living happy ever after but I was living a nightmare.

It was awful. Spent my childhood feeling like I was so alone, experiencing something no one else was, my reality being denied. I was a very sad, angry teenager and sought escape through drink, drugs, sex and suicide attempts.

I don't want to go into further detail but there were significant mental health repercussions for me and other family members decades to follow.

Now, over 25 years on, I've finally addressed it all through extensive therapy. I wish my dad had done things differently, and to this day he struggles to reach out for help. But I no longer feel angry at him. I appreciate that he was doing the best that he could in a deeply traumatising situation. Mental health awareness and resources weren't the same back then either. I genuinely think that my dad and much of my extended family genuinely thought they were doing the right thing and trying to help us.

It has taken a lot of work to get to this place.

*dad had been through enough

@Letsgroove My mum died on 7th December when I was 2 yrs 7months old.
It has undoubtedly had an impact (Negatively ) on my childhood.
Dad remarried, Mum was barely ever spoken about.
I remember having to go to a brutal Day Nursery while dad worked.
So say children bereaved early can’t “ Process” it properly.
They cannot understand that Mum will simply never come back.

The profound loss stays buried.

That’s so so sad.
I found pics of my mum up in the attic
Years later, Dad’s new wife gave them to me as an adult.
I treasure them.

Another one here. My df died when l was 4. Never talked about. I tried to ask my mum about him when l was pregnant with ds but she got upset.

l know so very little about him. My older brother and sister never talked about him either. All the people who knew him have gone. It’s a permanent unanswered question.

l remember at 14 finding a picture of him. I wasn’t sure who it was, but l kind of knew if that makes sense. I cried for hours. Proper gut wrenching sobs.

Such a massive impact on my life. I’ve had mental health issues all my life.

@Letsgroove
Dad did tell me when I was older (30’s) that when mum was actually dying, an ambulance was called.
He said “ She stood by your cot and said ( Name.. I’ll never see her grow up)

God Knows what she felt , going off into that Ambulance to die the next day.

I miss her very much.
She seems to have been the sort of person I’d have got on with, from what little I have gleaned from older cousins.

My heart breaks for you all. I'm sure that your mother loved you deeply

Heartbreaking💔

Not myself but my dh lost his mum. He doesn't even know exactly what age he was, he thinks about 6/7. This was very late 80's. He knows it was cancer but nothing else really. Doesn't know the date or if she is buried or cremated. He thinks cremated given no grave has ever been visited or spoken of. Doesn't know where ashes were scattered. Also of course doesn't know a lot about his mum, what her job was, her personality etc.

Obvs back in the day this must have been the normal way to deal with it, sweep it under the carpet and continue like the person never existed. Really sad to be honest.

He said he didn't want to ask any questions as it upset his dad. My dh also doesn't like talking about it even now. Over the years I've stopped asking questions and really because I know everything now that he does, not a lot.

I'm so sorry @JamJarJane... I know my dad feels the same, even after 48 years, which is why I've stopped asking.

There is no easy answer to any of this, and I feel so sad for us all.

Lost my father when I was 10 years old in 1973 - he died of a heart attack.

I was with my mother's mother at the time hundreds of miles away & wasn't allowed to go to the funeral - returned home when everything was done & dusted.

We only visited his cremation plot once afterwards and as previous pp have said the whole thing was brushed under the carpet and nothing really mentioned.

In less than a year our house was sold & my mother moved us in with her new "partner".

I started secondary school the same year and had never felt so alone.

OCD set in with me too & I have struggled with anxiety & depression on and off ever since - take antidepressants which help but it bubbles away under the surface.

As a parent I am just dumbfounded and cannot imagine treating my son this way.

Sending best wishes and love to all with similar experiences - we deserved better 💗

And I feel guilty now for sharing because I know my mum loved me but she handled the situation very badly

I had a similar experience to you. Counselling was really helpful. As an adult. I basically have PTSD relating to it.

I found this really helpful - link to a Facebook group and report, for adults bereaved as children, from Winston's Wish.

www.winstonswish.org/adults-bereaved-as-children/#:~:text=For%20many%20adults%20who%20were,others%20who%20understand%20their%20grief.

Honestly I would look into getting your children some counselling. There are charities about now like Winston’s wish that could help. They may seem like they don’t need it, but kids are good at masking and picking up adults expectations.

I’m another bereaved child. Watched my dad drop dead suddenly. Had a day off school, then back the following day. Sent to school the day of the funeral as it was deemed too upsetting and so the adults didn’t have to worry about us.

never really spoken about since. If it was it was in the context of helping my mum, being company for her, not giving her any trouble because she was on her own etc. I suppressed all my own grief and feelings so as not to upset anyone or make life hard.

lots of people talked about how “children are resilient” and get over these things, so I never felt I could bring it up in later years, because I was supposed to be over it.

I probably have ptsd. And some sort of attachment disorder. I catastrophise a lot, if people are late home for instance my mind goes to the worst.

I’ll never seek help because I’d feel ridiculous needing therapy over a death that happened over 40 years ago, I should be over it a long time ago.

my mum would probably say I’m absolutely fine and it hasn’t really affected me, if asked. As I said, children are very good at masking.

Oh and I remember going back to school and not knowing if people knew. Nobody said anything or brought the subject up. So speak to the school.

I had fantasies for years that he’d woken up in the morgue with no memory and was out there somewhere.

I also tortured myself, still do, that I didn’t know CPR or any first aid and would that have made a difference. In the 80’s it wasn’t really a thing. Although my school did first aid training including CPR a few months later.

It's never too late to seek counselling. I did it 30+ years later and it's been so helpful, very difficult at the time to bring up long suppressed memories but it's helped massively.

You do grieve all over again, for the younger you who's life could have been so different with better support.

Can totally relate to all these posts. I joined an amazing FB group- Adults Bereaved As Children..its a really comforting forum. Can offload there with people that understand. I lost my Dad suddenly when I was 11..heart attack...its molded me in all my grown up walks of life

Absolutely relate

I'm like this too. In some ways it made me more compassionate but when people act like a 90 year old dying is tragic it makes my blood boil

It’s been so long I very much doubt I could actually say anything. I’m so good at pretending I’m fine I don’t think I can not.

so sorry to hear everyone’s stories , my dad died very suddenly when I was 2 and he was 37 I still don’t think I have came to terms with it and hardly ever speak about it so I know how others must be feeling lots of love xx