Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Monkhouse2022 woohoo CONGRATULATIONS! There is nothing better than feeling free of it is there? whats your plan now? Some time to yourself for a bit? Straight into job hunting? I am sorry you’ve found yourself in an awful atmosphere but having been there I know how amazing you will feel or start to feel once you are completely out of there!

I am almost two months into my new job and struggling to ‘fit’ I am going to give it a bit longer but I am not sure how I feel atm. however it could also be my mental state. Ladies another anniversary is fast approaching - a year since my bfp. A year. I thought I’d be cradling a bump by now. How cruel life is.

still no answers from my bereavement midwife on results in fact just radio silence from my last text.

amazing news for dtd at the perfect time too - I have every positive vibe for you!!!!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 @Lillygolightly ladies you really have become true friends and thankyou! Just a shame we don’t live closeby otherwise could have a right old catch up with our mini group. Its so reassuring to have you ladies around.

@Vie8126 I really don’t understand why they are dragging their heels. Is there something they don’t want you to know about. Sooner or later they have to give you something.

@Monkhouse2022 I am seriously starting to wonder if they are hiding something - if they keep saying no results are ready yet we’re almost in Feb and this happened in May!!

@Vie8126 please keep at it. You need results, could help you with some sort of closure. I dnt understand what is the delay. Have you requested access to your medical maternity notes, surely there will be something in there?!

@Monkhouse2022 I haven’t I will look into how to action it actually.

@Vie8126 You can get the form sent to you online by hospital its called Medical Records access. Request from your bereavement midwife. This will be a good starting point for you.

@Vie8126 that's really shady that they still haven't provided the results (I don't believe that these aren't ready since May!!!!).
Chase, ask, get into your medical records.

I've asked my hospital to send me my reports (as you guys suggested), but really there wasn't anything worrying in my case (my sugar was just a bit elevated).

@Monkhouse2022 is right, you need a closure.
Yeah, @Monkhouse2022 look, 18w...! Pinch me, I can't believe it too...

And I can't believe you're all @Vie8126 @Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly always here!
Yeah, pity it's just virtual, but there's super power in knowing we have each other here and no matter what!

I hope this waiting game will be fruitful this month 😛.

BTW, I'm learning to handle my sugar and GD.
Yesterday I attended online classes to learn about pairing certain foods and tailoring the right portions.
I've started to lose weight unintentionally since my glucose levels dropped significantly.
Funny huh?
In all my pregnancies I was only gaining!

Today my 2nd cervical scan, on Thursday doppler and diabetes midwife.
There's a lot going on and I'm sort of calm having this many appointments.

I must admit that the care I've been receiving so far is amazing.
It didn't start well, but now they're really going above and beyond.

I also asked to be referred to Pebbles for some counselling and agreed to take part in Tommy's studies on rainbow pregnancies.

Hugging you all.
And your sweet kiddos.😘

@Monkhouse2022 @MomLostInTheClouds ladies I looked last night and I can complete the request online I just need to take a photo of my passport and utility bill to do so so will complete tonight.

I know she was born 4th May and here we are not far from 4th Feb and still nothing I don’t believe GOSH have that many delays on tissue samples. I was told in September that people who had their babies in April were getting their results so it shouldn’t be long to wait….

@MomLostInTheClouds I am so glad you getting top notch care so you should!!

it’s so nice knowing you girls are here xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 I am out again this month….

@Vie8126 I know its easier said than done but pls don’t be disheartened. I know exactly how you feel each month AF shows up. Roll on nxt month!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 how bizzare though this morning I’m lying in bed reading the newsfeed on my phone and there is an article in the Independent about a woman experiencing several miscarriages and how she felt. I could relate and I have tears rolling down on my pillow whilst my husband still fast asleep. I then thought not heard from you ladies for a while and imagined one day soon I might say ‘I’m pregnant’ and inform you all then later on suffer miscarriage. My mind going crazy and then @Vie8126 puts a post up. Life is tough and there are some things we cannot control one can only hope & pray.

I broke down last weekend thinking about my greatest loss and my husband opened up saying he was struggling too. I didn’t realise he seemed like he was OK but he has been trying to keep it together so he has decided to try therapy like me.
I still go on and on about my expereince at the hospital to therapist its like I can’t accept that NHS let me down and I still wabt answers which I will never get.

@Vie8126 did you complete the form? I hope tou can get some answers from your records.

@Vie8126 that's so weird that sometimes things don't go our way for a very long time just to one day materialise ...and then everything clicks...hang in there...

@Monkhouse2022 I often think of both of you...our experiences and how nicely we're connected. I'm also touched so deep inside when I read scary baby loss stories in different groups...and I also think it was all just meant to be this way.

I'm myself in a difficult position now...
Bleeding and spotting again...
It never gets easier, better and it's utter torture to go to the toilet at 3.30am and again see fresh blood on the underwear.
I wonder how many times more until I'll lose this baby too...how many times until I break into pieces...coz I can't handle this stress and uncertainty again and again ...

My cervix also got shorter by 0.5cm in just a week and if it continues, in 1 week during another scan we'll be considering a stitch...

😥
I'm just surviving...1h, 2h, a day...
Always ready for the worst...

@MomLostInTheClouds when is your next cervix check? they are monitoring you really well have faith in the system and your care take one day at a time. You’re always in my mind and thoughts and I pray that things go well every day.

so I had spotting Saturday which continues all day then eased up yesterday so who knows what’s going on. I am thinking I need more bloods as likely the menopause hitting now.

@Monkhouse2022 I haven’t as I needed a utility bill also so had to sort that out to get the request so my plan is to do today. Wondering if I will have issues as my passport is in a previous name but I will submit today. When’s AF due?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 hope you ladies had a lovely weekend. I had a much deserved day/eve out with my husband in London - our date night. As much as I wanted to talk about our little girl I chose to remain quiet on the subject as this was our way of re-connecting as a couple.

@Vie8126 just like you I am wondering if I too am entering peri-menopause. After my recent AF had ended a few days later I was spotting with discharge 8 consecutive days which was very odd. Will see how it is next AF if it happens again.
Glad you are doing form today the sooner you complete the quicker you will find answers relating to your most recent pregnancy and what happened.

@MomLostInTheClouds hope you are doing ok & bleeding is of nothing to worry about.

@Monkhouse2022 that sounds lovely! I hope you got what you needed from it. It’s always good to have time away from housework bills and children to just remember who the two of you are.

sorry that you’re having the same thoughts. Did you get your bloods done by GP? My bleeding has completely stopped so no AF as yet (negative test so know it’s not that) my dd and I had the same cycles last month and she got AF Friday so was expecting it between then and today. I had a mega night swear last night too.

@Vie8126 yes I got my bloods done my oestregen and fsh little on lower range but gp said its not of concern. LH was fine & thyroid level was ok too. Though here is the interesting part I also had AMH blood test done which gives true indication of ovarian reserve, back in 2020 it was 2.9 so defo on low side but did this month and it went upto 3.9 (amh does not fluctuate if anything it will decrease over time) so can only think coq10 I have been taking for 1.5yr has helped.
Bless my dp he said lets not put a time limit on trying to conceive lets just see how it goes & simply take each day as it comes.

@Vie8126 btw night sweats can be down to stress / anxiety not necessarily perimenopausal.

@Vie8126 did AF finally show up for you or is it still delayed? Are you still experiencing night sweats?
Did you manage to eventually complete the form? I really am hoping you get the answers you need hence why Im on your case about completing form pronto :)

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you coping? Has the bleeding stopped?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 hope you both are having a good weekend so far? Gone a bit quiet so hoping all is well.
I’ve been having brown discharge with little blood for past 5 days (enough to partially cover panty liner) AF has become irregular so due either this weekend or mon/tue. Did HPT ‘negative’. Whats happening to my body. Even my progesterone results came back borderline as 25. Anything above 30 is considered ovulation has occured. Feel absolutely gutted.

Good morning beauties,

How are you doing there?

@Monkhouse2022 I'm so glad you're results all generally good, you can supplement progesterone so no worries. And glad that dp is so understanding còz the less pressure the more chances to conceive!
I'm so jealous about the date night in London!
I haven't been alone on a date with my hub since...13 years? Hahaha...
Yeah, COQ10 might have helped.
And the spotting/bleeding? How's it now? Is it actually AF or is it before it? So now dtd or stage?

@Vie8126 any news about the results? Are you chasing them? Have you requested your medical papers? I've been thinking about you and which stage are you at? Before or after AF?

I wasn't much here coz it was crazy and busy...

Bleeding comes and goes and I'm in and out of the hospital.
They know me by name in DAU coz I'm a regular now!
Yesterday was there again.
Low-lying placenta whose edge is close to os is to blame.
It gives this red bright bleeds.
I'm closely monitored and will have scans weekly, and this coming week I'll be scanned 2 times.

Stress, worry, uncertainty, living with the fear of another loss and them consultants repeating to be ready for anything.

I am...
There's not a day when I see this blood that I don't think "this is it!".

I'm 20w...
Anomaly scan soon.
Not excited.
Scared.
So yeah...
Tough stuff.

@MomLostInTheClouds wow fast approaching to 20weeks but its a scary ride. I had low lying placenta but nearer due date it had moved just so as long they monitor you will be fine my love.

I was meant to start AF last weekend instead I have had brown/red discharge since 10dpo and still same no sign of AF. Hpt negative. Think this is start of perimenopause :(

@MomLostInTheClouds

I know the exact feeling with the bleeding, every time I was sure it would be the end. It’s so stressful and so much anxiety to carry around and also hampered me from connecting with the pregnancy as I was just living in fear. It felt like everyone around me was more excited than I was, they were all just so blasé that everything would be alright. I found it so frustrating and kind of jealous to be honest, that they could be excited and I couldn’t. Didn’t they know what could happen??!!!!

@Monkhouse2022 I was pretty sure I was peri before I lost my Alexander, periods were all over the place, having heavy flooding and clotting and was referred for a scan where they discovered a notable cyst on my ovary and diagnosed PCOS. I was also having other symptoms like brain fog, fatigue, low mood etc. Was told that since I wasn’t in sever pain, relatively regular periods and not TTC that no treatment was necessary. I still think I am in peri now, but the reason why I bring this up is that I have fallen pregnant twice since I suspected peri menopause. One of those my angel Alexander and then the twins who fortunately made it here safe and sound. The fact that I even became pregnant with twins in the first place kind of cemented to me the fact I was peri, as I don’t have any family history of twins and releasing 2 eggs is common during peri. I suppose what I’m trying to say is don’t count yourself out, it’s still possible and I am very much hoping that it happens for you very soon!

@Vie8126 how are you doing? I hope those results are forthcoming soon. The waiting is just beyond awful.

Sending love and sticky thoughts to all ❤️

@Lillygolightly thankyou for your perspective, gives me hope! I think this month must have been annovulatory cycle hence no actual bleed. I have never ever experienced this hence why its freaking me out. I don’t know whether to count this discharge as AF, how will I now know what CD I am on or when AF will start.
Gosh wouldn’t it be amazing if I conceived twins.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly Sorry I have been awol a bit we’ve had a really busy time of it and ds has been poorly with his chest. I submitted the online form still radio silence from my bereavement midwife I’m going to text her today.

AF has been and gone according to Flo I’m entering my fertile period in the next few days. Be lucky if we even manage to dtd once at current rate!

How are you all doing?

Morning my lovlies,

Hope things are getting better and better for you.

@Vie8126 How's your ds? Poor little boy, these bugs this year make parents life an absolute nightmare.
My younger one is all the time sick since he started reception and recently had hives almost everyday. No changes in diet, nor really allergic to anything and GP asked us to observe and if lasts longer, we'll run some tests.

Hope you're managed to dtd...and sing?😙

@Monkhouse2022 wow, you also had low lying placenta? On Tuesday they scanned me TV and found out that indeed my placenta is only 1.2cm from the cervix and this edge closest to os might be causing these nasty bleeds.
I'm on bed rest...again...and it's better.

How's AF?
Did it eventually appear or only spotting?
It must feel strange and you must be worried about peri...we all did, but if your results are still good and there are eggs, there's hope too!
But finding out fertile days will be indeed tricky!
Lol, then have fun dtd on regular basis and there's a great possibility you'll hit the jackpot!

@Lillygolightly oh yea, these bleeds are draining. I have them from week 6 and now everytime they happen, I'm sort of sure it's the end...the worry never ends...but the hope is still there...

I'm 20w 4d today!
Going for my 20w anomaly scan in the afternoon...
Scared, excited, happy, amazed that I'm still preggers.

Had also cervical competence scan on Tuesday Cervix was long and closed (3.7cm at 20w 1d) so they're quite adamant it's not IC and plan to dismiss me from preterm birth clinic at 24w (so in 3 weeks).

They found a cyst on my cervix though...nothing to worry about, but yeah...weird, it grew in 2 after my last scan.

All them twinges and growing pains and some things that feel like contractions are freaking me out.

I'm taking all them meds (plenty!) and praying it would all last.

Flutters are now obvious baby movements.
It's so surreal to feel that little dumpling wiggling in my tummy.
I've never got to feel it this intensive with my little boy so just enjoy every bit of it.

Don't freeze there mamas.
Lots of love 😘

BTW, any plans for Valentines?

(Me...0...my marriage is at the verge of ending lol...and we have only silent days, so yeah..."I can buy myself flowers..." 🌸 💐). 🎶

@MomLostInTheClouds so glad things are going well, cervical length sounds good, 3.7 is a good length…I think 2.5 is the cut off. My first cervical scan I was 3 and was terrified it was going to be shorter on the next scan but it wasn’t and to my surprise it got longer I think around 3.7 too. The low lying placenta is the likely cause for the bleeding, while I know it’s not nice to have I wonder if you feel just a little comforted just knowing at least what it is and why it’s happening. So exciting that you can feel bubs wriggling away, I found so much comfort and reassurance feeling my twins move.

As for Valentine’s Day, we have nothing special planned, it’s always a difficult time of year now because my loss with Alexander started on Valentine’s evening and then he was finally born on the 16th. I will be lighting his special candle, writing in the journal I keep for thoughts for him and donating an aching arms bear in his memory as I did last year and plan to do every year.

Wishing all the very best for your scan today and hope you see a happy healthy baby waving back at you. ❤️