Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

Ladies,
I'm sorry to read that you're struggling.
Yeah, our babies would be 2-3 months old. It haunts me.
And yeah, it never gets better (new baby doesn't replace that precious baby we lost and I can't wrap my head around new pregnancy even yet...at 17w).

@Vie8126 I'd also never decide on contraceptives and would leave it. There's always a chance and there're always ways to adjust reality to a new addition lol...
And about dh...mention not!
I'm avoiding mine like fire.
He's unbearable for me. Irritates me.
Honestly, I think this pregnancy and no intimacy put us completely further apart so while some things are in the mend, others fall apart like my relationship.
And I'm so enough that I'm OK with that.

@Monkhouse2022 glad to hear you still doing counselling...and don't give up hope. It can still happen...
I'm just afraid a new pregnancy would really be hard on you (yeah, look at me...I moved to taking 1h at a time coz I just can't handle anxiety..yeah, I can't).

BTW, now I'm a pro at pricking my finger, using my meter and controlling my sugar with diet.

It's very hard and had to eliminate most of the carbs.
But I'll do anything I can to keep this baby and myself well.

Don't know where it's all going...

18w mark approaching...

@MomLostInTheClouds I mean when I can’t bring myself to even talk to him never mind dtd there is no need for contraceptive is there LOL. My Flo app told me there’s a good chance of getting pregnant today which surprised me as thought my fertile window had been and gone…. We dtd last night. Who knows. Why do I not know what I want??

I am so glad to hear your managing ok now with GDD what is the plan for your care now with this factor??

18weeks are you feeling them flutters/movement? Are you finding out the sex of the baby? It probably doesn’t feel it for you living in it but it’s going so quick!

@MomLostInTheClouds

My relationship also went through a difficult time when I was pregnant with the twins. We were so very distant from each other and didn’t talk much about the pregnancy or make any plans. I realise now that we were both just very scared, which for me meant that I retreated and distracted myself with other things, for him it made him irritable, snappy and stressed. I think we almost sort of naturally avoided each other, probably avoiding an argument where we knew we were both capable of saying some truly hurtful and maybe unforgivable things. I won’t lie it was so distant and I felt so alone and also lonely. There were nice moments together like scans and finding out the gender and what not but as you know the reassurance is lovely but it’s not long before the anxiety sets back it and so too did our distance. M

I thought it would all be over once we had the babies safe and sound in our arms but sadly that was not the case. It was however a turning point and I suppose we were adjusting too. He did find his way back when the babies were about 3-4 months old, we were settled with them by then and their little personalities were starting to come out and as they’ve gotten older and more interactive it’s been easier to laugh together and enjoy our life and family as a couple again. It’s not all hearts and flowers of course, we still have our struggles and I would say that it some ways we are closer and in others we are further apart so it’s by no means perfect, just a whole lot better than it was.

I just wanted to send a message to say that I get it. I hope things get better for you. 💐

@Lillygolightly wow, good to hear I'm not the only one...
Anyways, my relationship is at the very bottom of my worrying list now...

I'm going through the most difficult time of my life...and I'm absolutely petrified.

It all started on Monday.
I was exactly 17w.
I started to get very crampy around late afternoon. Didn't worry initially until I went to the toilet and wiped. And there was a lot of brownish discharge and red blood too. Inwas freaking the f* out.

I went into panic mode and started to sob repeating frantically "it's happening again, it's happening again!"

Hub made me call the maternity triage and I was seen within 30min. from my call in the DAU.

It was surreal!
First senior midwife couldn't find the heartbeat. In the end she did.

Then came the consultant and did a terribly painful speculum. Cervix closed, long, no sings of fresh bleeding.

Then came the worst...
He came to talk to me.
His words ring in my head 🤕 ...
Considering my history and previous loss at 18w, he asked me to prepare for the worst, go home, stay hydrated and rest...
(He mentioned admitting me, but what's the point if it'd be all about delivering another dead baby...? I preferred to go home).
He was sorry and told me that this early there's nothing they can do, and that it can go either way.

My chances are exactly 50-50...

Cramping and red bright bleeding comes and goes...nights are the worst.
In the middle of the night it was too much.
I went back to bed waiting to miscarry...

Yes, I'm just waiting for my doomsday...

I have no hope.

Tomorrow I have a doppler appointment with my Rainbow midwife...
I feel like what's the point in going?
Nobody can help...
Nobody can do anything.
I'm a hopeless case who keeps on hearing the same phrase over and over again:"It's one of those things!"

Whys and negativity haunt me 24/7...

My life has to go on...
I bleed and need to do the school runs, iron my kids clothes, plan their birthday parties, smile and hug them while my 4th baby's days are probably going to an end...

At this point, I'm sure I'm not gonna make it till 18w and my next cervical scan on Tuesday.

Just pray for me and the baby...
I still don't even know if it's boy or girl...

@MomLostInTheClouds we are here sending you all the positivity going xxx

keep talking we’re here no matter what the time.

have they said where the bleed is coming from?

@Vie8126 good to hear from you...

They have no idea where's the bleed is coming from.

Scans show cervix and the baby are OK, yet the cramping and the bleeding, as the consultant stated, don't give a good prognosis for the future...

I'm already on progesterone and aspirin, all my medical issues well-handled...
But it's happening.

I'm literally sitting and waiting...

@MomLostInTheClouds hang in there, baby is ok so that’s the main thing. If dr admitting you to hospital why dnt you go down that route at least this way they can closely monitor you.
Im keeping my fingers crossed for you x

@MomLostInTheClouds I second @Monkhouse2022 if they want to admit you let them xxx

@Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 that's the option tomorrow.

I'm having an appointment in the morning and we'll take some decisions.

I'm just worried how my hub will manage the kids, work...🤔our life is already complicated coz of me and all the housework and cooking are a struggle for us (there's just 2 of us, no family and we're stratched coz I'm off work, bed rest and completely useless)...

@Lillygolightly was it you who mentioned bleeding in pregnancy? (Sorry if it was somebody else in here).

If it was you, did you ever get to know why? How long it took for it to get better? Was it one time off?

I bled already few times in this pregnancy 🤰🏼, but the further I am, the more scary it gets...

@MomLostInTheClouds please post and update us after your appointment today. Some people bleed all through pregnancy and never know why please take heart from that. I quick look over the pregnancy board there are all kinds of positive stories regarding that. I know however that won’t put your mind at rest. I can only too well imagine the pain and turmoil you are going through right now. I know there is nothing I can say to stop you thinking the worst but please just know we are here for you at any time we are rooting for you and bubs sending you huge huge hugs I wish I could give you a hug in person and be there for you. Don’t worry about dh if you have to be admitted for your health and bubs health then he will manage it is not your fault do not add guilt to your already fraught mindset. Sending love xxxxx

@Vie8126 couldn’t have put it better myself my friend! @MomLostInTheClouds Please take on board what @Vie8126 is saying. Do let us know how you get. We are here for you. Think positive x

Ooh ladies,

This baby is a fighter...
Still there, with a heartbeat.😍

I had a full check up today.
Cramping eased, but bleeds come and go. @Vie8126 as you said, they told me it can be a normal thing in this pregnancy since my bloods, urine, scans and doppler show it's all good.

We decided I'd be closely monitored.
Another scan + cervical scan on Tuesday and on Thursday doppler and midwife appointment.

I'm lost...
Really not sure what to make of it.
Anyways, I'm trying to enjoy every second I have with this little rascal 😜
Every flutter...
I said to my hub that s/he has his character.😋

My heart still isn't at peace and probably won't be till the end of this pregnancy...

My kids believe in this baby too.
The keep on praying and asking when s/he come, and maybe these will be their prayers that'll be listened to...

@Monkhouse2022 @Vie8126 thank you for being here...listening...

How's everything going for both of you?
Waiting game?
I'm thinking of you, always.
Hoping I'd be cheering for your rainbows quite soon too.

I guess this whole experience is teaching me to keep hopes up even in the darkest of hour.🤗

@MomLostInTheClouds you sound better & positive, you go girl that’s the spirit.
I’m in fertile window but got so much going feel stressed so cnt see anything happening. One can only try and hope for the best!

@Monkhouse2022 🤗ooh love, yeah I'm better, sending hugs and good vibes.

I think all this positivity helps.

Please, try to stay positive too and dtd! 🎶 sing...

@Vie8126 and you? Where you at?

@MomLostInTheClouds so good to hear you more positive today! I’m amazed you haven’t asked the sex at any of these scans!!! Your resolve is amazing. So many positives in your update I’m pleased you are being taken care of.

I am in two week wait…. 13 days and counting. Literally only dtd once this cycle so no hope at all. @Monkhouse2022 get to it girl!

@Vie8126 in all these stressful situations, I just wanted to know the baby is alive, hear the heartbeat; believe me, gender was the last thing in my head! And still is...

I feel it's a boy anyway 😅a very feisty boy !

Oh darling, keeping fingers crossed for you.
Let it be your month, and mind you, with me it was also 1 time!

@MomLostInTheClouds I am so sorry to read you’ve been through such a frightening and worrisome time, but I’m so very glad to read that baby cloud is hanging on and doing well.

Yes it was me that had pregnancy bleeding and it’s so scary and stressful. I had a very big bleed, like a literal gush (thought I had wet myself) at 8 weeks. That bleed lasted until 10-11 weeks on and off. I then had more bleeding at around 14-15 weeks and like you I was so terrified it was happening all again. Those were the 2 big bleeds I had, the rest of the time was on and off and mostly on wiping. I had a multitude of scans and they never could see any reason for the bleeding. At my cervical scans they suggested that I may have something called cervical ectropion which is basically given the extra blood in your body and pressure on your cervix it can become irritated and bleed which does not affect the pregnancy. You can have this outside of pregnancy, it’s just more commonly noticed during pregnancy as obviously symptoms increase due to the pregnancy. I can’t say that I was ever particularly comforted by this explanation though, mostly because it was never confirmed that’s what it was, and after a loss bleeding no matter the reason during pregnancy is always going to be upsetting.

All I could do was take it day by day, looking ahead was too painful, to imagine another loss, the grief and heartbreak but every day I was still pregnant was a good day. No one was more shocked than me to have ended up holding my precious babies I was so fearful right up until they were in my arms that something terrible would happen. I now regret all that negativity, it stopped me planning and preparing much at all. The majority of babies things were ordered from Amazon after my c section. Knowing they were my last I do wish I had been able to enjoy it much more than I did, at the time I saw pregnancy as an obstacle to get through rather than as an experience to enjoy.

Pregnancy after loss is so very hard, but do try and enjoy it. I’ll keep you and baby cloud in my thoughts and I hope things keep going just as well as they can. ❤️💖💙

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you? I’ve been thinking about you constantly and sending you positive vibes.

@Monkhouse2022 hows it going this month?

I have had the worst cramps and pain the last two days I’ve been almost doubled over if I didn’t have under two weeks until AF was due I would say it’s on its way. No fun being female some months is it.

@Vie8126 sounds like you may have ovulation pain, get busy dtd!!!

I’m suppose to ovulate in next day or so too!!!

@Monkhouse2022 I think I’ve already ovulated af due in 9 days?

oooh get dtd!!!

Morning ovulating and post-ovulating mamas😜...

I've just popped in here to tell you that I hit 18w today!!!!!!😮
It's so surreal...
And I'm so anxious...feel a stress ball in my stomach...

I'm keeping fingers crossed for both of you @Monkhouse2022 @Vie8126 !
Dtd, sing and don't freeze there...it's -6c!😨
Hope it's your month!!!!!!
😘
Keep us posted.

@Lillygolightly thank you for being here and sharing your experience.
Your post lifted my spirit up a bit.
I just imagine how scary it must have been...to go through the bleeds, uncertainty...

So far, bleeds and cramping stopped.
But I'm supervigilant. It kept on coming and going last week so I'm not out of the woods...yet.

Going tomorrow for another cervical scan and on Thursday doppler...

I'm so hopeful to reach to my 20w scan soon (have it at almost at 21w though).

I hope your twins are doing good.
You're so lucky to have them with you.
I can't even think of the joy I'd feel once my baby is in my arms...😑

Just 19w more (until I'm induced or have a c-section coz of GD)...

@MomLostInTheClouds wow 18 weeks I am so happy for you! Keep us posted on what’s happening.

I have had non stop cramps for days. 7 days until AF….

@Monkhouse2022 hows it gone dtd over ovulation?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 hey ladies I JUST WALKED OUT OF MY JOB. My workplace was toxic and not helping my wellbeing so I had to put me first. Im not in a good head space with losing my baby girl & the way I lost her due to medical negligence and my workplace was not helping at all.
Anyway @MomLostInTheClouds woo hoo 18wks so happy for you. You’re getting there, hang in there baby.

@Vie8126 dtd day before ovulation & on day of ovulation so who knows but all this stress of work might have negative impact. I feel so worked up over the whole thing. Wait & see now!!!!