Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

I’m so very sorry your beautiful son found things so painful. Please believe us when we tell you that it was not from lack of support/love/acknowledgement from you. Unfortunately depression/anxiety leaves you in a distorted space where you can only recognize the world through the veil of emotion in that moment. Sometimes people hide a whole lifetime of pain from their nearest and dearest and it gets too heavy in one single moment. As a parent, I know that I would find it impossible not to try and take the burdens of my kids on my shoulders, but I also know that my kids have a whole inner world that I am not privy to.

From an ITU perspective please know they will be doing all they can, he will be receiving such excellent care, a young fit person in ITU is a priority

The doctors will answer all your questions today but they will ultimately make the right decision

Mental health is so tough, and sometimes people just don't want to be here no matter what you do, or what support is offered. I know that doesn't help right now but just know you couldn't have done more

I'm not particularly religious but I will hold you all in my thoughts and prayers

I'm so so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

I really feel for you, it’s a horrible place to be. I’ve been on both sides, not with a child but with my ex DH, and I myself have struggled with mental health. I can honestly say there’s nothing you could’ve done

I hope he pulls through and you can help him. Hope your DD’s are coping ok too

You and your son are in my thoughts. Xxx

I'm so sorry OP - every parents nightmare, sending you all the love in the world x

My heart goes out to you and your boy. I lost my sister to suicide three years ago on Tuesday. She too was a wonderful lovely empathetic person and the world was too hard for her.
I hope you get positive news when you are updated.

@JungleZgok
There is no more intense a love than a Mothers love.

It is palpable in every word. I could have been you.

My son is now happy and engaged to a beautiful soul and they have the most gorgeous baby.

I am praying you get a happy ending to this nightmare. I will be thinking of you today.
Please be kind to yourself. Sending you and your boy a huge hug.
❤

Sending you love and hope and strength xx

I'm keeping everything crossed for you that he pulls through.

Others have mentioned the known risk of increased suicidal tendencies when starting ADs or increasing the dosage. Whilst that is true, please be assured that the doctors would only have put him on the medication if they felt it was the best option for him.

We know two families where the DCs have recently committed suicide, who had depression but were not on medication, just counselling. It can be such a pernicious and overwhelming illness that even with a loving, supportive family, it's sometimes not enough.

So sorry you are going through this.

I'm thinking of you and your family and wishing you all so much love 💐

Thinking of you and your DS and sending lots of love, hope and strength.

I hope so much that he pulls through this. Whatever happens, this is not your fault. You are clearly an amazing, loving mother and he knows it.

So sorry x thinking of you

All of mumsnet is behind you, hoping for good news. Mental health is so fragile in young people at the moment. I hope you can accept that it is not your fault. Xx

So sorry your family are going through this. Have been in A&E with my child after an overdose twice. Though the pain is awful, the thought of the pain your child has been experiencing is worse.

Sending you love ❤️

I'm sending love and strength to you, @JungleZgok

I know as parents we feel guilty about everything, but remember that he has an illness that unfortunately can't be fixed by the love and care you've given to him, no matter how hard you try - the same as a physical illness. I'm speaking as someone who has suffered with anxiety and depression for most of my life. Hang in there xxxx

I’m so dreadfully sorry that you are going through this. Thinking of you and your family. I hope the doctors can give you some positive news today.

Oh bless you op. Sending hope and love. I really hope your ds will be ok. We have been through this in my family and it’s no one’s fault. An absolutely horrible time for you all, I’m so sorry 💐

Sending you lots of love and strength xx

Love to you and your family, I hope your beautiful boy pulls through xxx

Oh op you poor poor love, I am so sorry you are going through this and can only pray that they can do something to save him.

I can not imagine what you are going through right now, but please know NONE of this is your fault, none of this is his fault, life is terribly terribly hard at the moment. He has the most wonderful mother in you, and he KNOWS so very much you care and love him. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but could find no other way out of his head op.

He may be able to hear you - tell him everything, his childhood, how much you love him and how precious he is. We only ever have the moment we are in op. Stay in every moment next to him and know we are all here for you. Everyone of us.

I'm so sorry. Please know that it's not your fault. Depression does terrible things to our thinking. I hope he will be OK. Huge hugs

If it helps my dear nephew was in a dark place many years ago. He came through it and now has 2 DC he idolizes. Your son can come through this. Keep positive.

Sending you and your family all the love I can. Xx