Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

heartbreaking. sending you all so much love. you sound like an amazing mum xxx

I'm so very sorry, I've been thinking about your family and your son xxxx

Heartbreaking op, I’ve read your thread overnight and my heart breaks for you all and your lovely boy. I am a mum of 4 boys and I worry for them and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
sending you my thoughts no family should be going through what you are.

Holding you, your beautiful son and your family in my thoughts and prayers today.

I am so sorry. I read yesterday desperately hoping for good news for you and your beautiful boy. I don’t know what else to say, but couldn’t leave nothing. I’m truly sorry

from someone who has struggled myself with mental health, another echo there would be nothing you could have said or done to change it. Sometimes the thoughts are just too large and they can convince you of the most ludicrous thoughts.

Heartbreaking op, I’ve read your thread overnight and my heart breaks for you all and your lovely boy. I am a mum of 4 boys and I worry for them and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
sending you my thoughts no family should be going through what you are.

I read your thread and just wanted to send my condolences. I lost a close family member of a similar age to suicide 18 months ago. It's a unique and difficult greif that nothing else compares to. I expect the hospital may have put you in touch with them but SOBS (Survivors of bereavement by suicide) are a fantastic organisation with very comforting chat boards, virtual meetings and a phone councilling service.

Not long after I was bereaved Roman Kemp did a documentary called Our Silent Emergency on men's mental health and there was an interview with a young man who had attempted to end his life and been found and saved. He explained how at the time he didn't really think about the reality that he would die, it was more a way of finding a temporary silence amongst the noise or going for a nap after an exhausting amount of time. Somehow it helped me with the "why" a bit. People in that situation aren't thinking rationally they don't know the long term effects of what they will do.

Finally, someone told me this not long afterwards that I found helpful and I thought I would pass it on. At the moment you are a square and your grief is a circle in it, it is touching all the sides and filling you up, leaving only tiny empty corners. People will say the circle will get smaller in time but its not true. Instead your square will get bigger around the circle, it will grow and grow and the circle will be there the same size as it always was but there will be more space in your square.

Thinking of you all. You sound an amazing mother. My heart breaks reading the thread.

OP I couldn't scroll by without saying anything. We are all thinking of you and your beautiful son.

Sending you very much love and strength today and through the coming months. Your beautiful boy was blessed with such a wonderful mum, and my heart breaks for him, you, and your DH and girls.

Please keep posting and talking about him about as much as you can - we're all here for you, and we all hold you both in our hearts and thoughts. Your boy won't be forgotten x

Sending you very much love and strength today and through the coming months. Your beautiful boy was blessed with such a wonderful mum, and my heart breaks for him, you, and your DH and girls.

Please keep posting and talking about him about as much as you can - we're all here for you, and we all hold you both in our hearts and thoughts. Your boy won't be forgotten x

Sending you very much love and strength today and through the coming months. Your beautiful boy was blessed with such a wonderful mum, and my heart breaks for him, you, and your DH and girls.

Please keep posting and talking about him about as much as you can - we're all here for you, and we all hold you both in our hearts and thoughts. Your boy won't be forgotten x

I'm so sorry OP. There are simply no words but I think it's safe to say you are in the thoughts of many people today. On a practical note, you mentioning your DD insisting on continuing to sit her GCSEs while this is going on - make sure you ask the school about submitting special circumstances information to the exam board for her.

Jungle my heart goes out to you. Your poor DS - you can't do anything when someone goes to that place but be there waiting with your love. I cannot imagine your pain and wish you strength and love.

❤️❤️❤️

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.

I can completely understand why your DD wanted to take her exams. Seeing her friends (who I’m sure are being supportive) and being able to concentrate on something else for a few hours will help her to process what is happening.

We are all thinking about you and your family today.

So incredibly sorry, my heart goes out to you and your family. Depression is such an awful illness, there is nothing you could have done or said differently. You sound like an incredibly loving and supportive family. I pray for peace, comfort and strength for you all in the hours and the days ahead. Sending love.

I'm so sorry to hear your update @JungleZgok I was really praying for a different outcome for you. Look after yourself and keep talking here if it helps you. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Sorry OP. No words.

Sending you and your family all the love and strength in the world today @JungleZgok 💐

So very sorry for your pain. Praying for you and your family ❤ .

There is nothing any of us can say that can make this any better, just that there are so many on this board sending you and your family so much love at this time xx

I am so very sorry. I don't know whether prayers are your thing, but they are what I can offer for all of you today. Sending you so much love as you have to face the impossible prospect of saying goodbye.

Sending you love and strength today. I am so very sorry.

We lost a young family member to suicide many years ago now. I think @PoleFairy's square and circle metaphor for the grief expresses it in a helpful way that I had not heard before. My youngest children never knew her but she lives in our hearts and minds, and is a part of their story too.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad your family are coming together during this awful time and supporting each other. It is normal to look for something/someone to blame and in this case you are trying to take responsibility yourself. When, from an outside perspective, it sounds like you couldn't have done any more and love and cared about your son massively.

You and your family will be in my thoughts today. As hard as it is, please try to continue to share your feelings, be it here or with your family & friends.