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Original poster

Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

1000 replies

JungleZgok · 26/05/2022 05:44

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

OP posts:
Letsbekindplease · 27/05/2022 08:43

I am so sorry. I’ll be sitting here thinking about your family today.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 27/05/2022 08:43

I have no words to give you, but I am thinking of you all and holding you in the light. I wish you all the strength to get through this. Flowers

Solidarityovercharity · 27/05/2022 08:45

So so sorry. Its often the gentlest, kindest people who don't feel able for this harsh world

PyjamasBySeven · 27/05/2022 08:45

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you and your family must be feeling. You are in my thoughts at this awful time. Sending love, support and strength.

StageRage · 27/05/2022 08:46

May love and strength gather around you.

yellowbananasinjuly · 27/05/2022 08:49

Oh darling I am so sorry. His pain was unbearable, there was nothing you could do about it. Sadly love is not enough to make it go away - not even a mother's love. Wherever he goes from here, know that he has been released from his pain. It could have gone on for years.

My lovely brother did the same thing at the same age but lived and his life thereafter was one of much suffering. It was in him and so entrenched in his personality that any happiness was short lived as he would turn it round to be negative despite great psychiatric care. After his suicide attempt he was forever viewed differently, which came from a place of love but cant have felt great for him, and he went on to develop schizophrenia and chronic depression. Much as we loved him my mother said she wished he had been taken when he was 18 and saved from all the torture of the years ahead. He's dead now but happiness was always elusive. I think he was just too good for this world.

Again, I am so sorry and I will be thinking about you today. X

Pashazade · 27/05/2022 08:53

Thinking of you today xx

Swayingpalmtrees · 27/05/2022 08:56

I haven't the words op. No words at all, apart from to say your son was too beautiful for this fraught world, and there is peace for him now. God bless you

Misspacorabanne · 27/05/2022 08:57

Posting again this morning, as I keep thinking about you, your family and wonderful DS. I'm sending you strength, and you'll remain in my thoughts. You sound like a wonderful mother, never ever doubt that. It's clear to all. Sending love.

clippety clop · 27/05/2022 08:58

Sending hugs ❤️❤️

goingpearshaped · 27/05/2022 09:00

@JungleZgok ,you, your DS, DDs and DH have been contantly in my thoughts. I send love and the biggest of hand holds and hugs. There are no magic words but I hope there is some comfort in the love and support of MNers around you and your family.

ButterOllocks · 27/05/2022 09:02

May our love and virtual hugs and love help you through today, may the love of your lovely family get you through the hardest thing any parent has to go through. Your lovely boy x His mental pain is no more, may that be some comfort in this terrible time for you. You raised him, loved him and cared for him and had him in your life - this is a blessing - albeit a short one. Thinking about you today

EverydayIsPJday · 27/05/2022 09:04

I can only join to say I am so, so sorry OP. I read your thread yesterday and just came back to see if there had been an update and am truly feeling so sad for your family having seen it. I am thinking of you all today.

SuspiciousBanana · 27/05/2022 09:05

Op, I lost a family member to suicide. It’s such a difficult and painful thing to process.

I now volunteer for a suicide prevention charity, and I speak and help people on the edge all the time.

Every story affects me because I know how hard it is for the people suffering so deeply and for their families and loved ones. I do this for people like my lost relative and for your son, and I want to prevent anyone in any way I can from feeling so low that they choose to end their own life. I’ll continue to put all my energy into trying to make a difference, and I will remember this post and your son as I continue to do what I can to try and help those who need emotional support.

Sending you all my love. Stay strong.

LosingTheWill2022 · 27/05/2022 09:05

You and your whole family are in my thoughts.
💕

Elmoliveshere · 27/05/2022 09:06

I am so very sorry this is happening to you, please know that MH illness is truly awful, relentless and exhausting. The need to stop the mental anguish is all encompassing and no reflection on the love felt for family. X

Badger1970 · 27/05/2022 09:10

Thinking of you all today. No one expects to bring a child into the world and then stand at their side while they leave it again. It's a horrific experience, but it's one that you will get through, I promise. The pain gets easier over time, although it's cliched. You never forget, you just forget the pain if that makes sense. There will be light again one day, and you'll emerge from the darkness even though you can't ever imagine that right now.

Flowers
SurpriseSurprise · 27/05/2022 09:11

I’m so so sorry. Just know we are all thinking of you and your amazing DD’s

SurpriseSurprise · 27/05/2022 09:13

I’m so so sorry. Just know we are all thinking of you and your amazing DD’s

SunshineCake · 27/05/2022 09:14

I want to send lots of luck for your DD taking her exam today and I hope she can feel that many many mothers are around her and supporting her and wishing her well.

MN can be a bloody awful place at time but when one of us is in pain, we all come together and I hope it helps in some tiny way. My heart aches for you and my eyes cry for you all.

MagnoliaTaint · 27/05/2022 09:15

Love to you and your family.

MagicMatilda · 27/05/2022 09:15

Gosh you are an amazing lady. Sending all of you the biggest amount of love. Thinking of you today, hoping for a miracle.

hidinginthekitchenwithwine · 27/05/2022 09:18

want to let
you know that you'll
be in my thoughts all day,
Sending you so much love xx

OdeToSadDisco · 27/05/2022 09:19

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry.

spanishmumireland · 27/05/2022 09:19

I read your posts yesterday and I am still trying to find some words.
There are no words for what you are going though.
I woke up at 3 am thinking of you and your son. I normally don't pray but I did.
You are the best mum in the world, never ever have any doubts, you really are.
Mind yourself, your DDs and husband in these incredible difficult times. You are all in my heart. xx

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