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Original poster

Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

1000 replies

JungleZgok · 26/05/2022 05:44

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

OP posts:
Clangyleg · 27/05/2022 08:10

This is devastating but there is nothing you could have done differently when someone is in so much pain, and sometimes suicide is the only way people feel they can be in control. Living with chronic depression is always going to be tough for them and the people who love them. Just the act of living is just too hard. It is not your fault. Think of you at this desperately sad and awful time.

timestheyarechanging · 27/05/2022 08:10

Sending love to your family so so sorry 💐

PoloMintPatty · 27/05/2022 08:10

Sending you all so much love and strength to get through today

Lostatsea10 · 27/05/2022 08:13

Your bravery and love shines strongly. You are a wonderful mother, this is no more your fault than it is your darling boy’s. It’s an awful disease and I pray you all find peace together today.

Good luck to your DD today for her exam, her strength comes from you and from your son, who has fought so hard.

I shall think of you today. Sending you, your family and your DS love for today

runnerblade95 · 27/05/2022 08:13

Since discovering that your son is on life support and potentially switching off the machine today, I can barely think straight. My coffee has gone cold and not because of dealing with DD. I am just in absolute shock and heartache for you and your precious boy.

I haven’t got the app so I’m not sure how to set up notifications to alert me when this thread has been updated, but I will be checking back literally every 15 minutes today as I won’t be able to rest otherwise.

Sending you so much love all day OP 💐

Hotelhelp · 27/05/2022 08:19

Holding your hand today

Wheresthebeach · 27/05/2022 08:19

Thinking of you and your family today. xx

Bipbopbee · 27/05/2022 08:20

Sending so much love to you all Op.

So very very sorry for you all Flowers

Mummyjlr120 · 27/05/2022 08:20

thinking of you and your family sending you all my love and strength 💔

LakieLady · 27/05/2022 08:21

Thinking of you and your family OP, on this hardest of days.

Sending you all much love.

familyissues12345 · 27/05/2022 08:22

JungleZgok · 27/05/2022 04:42

I've still not read all your messages. But the ones I have are so supportive and I really appreciate them which is helping me so much in the toughest moments of my life. I have an unbearable weight in my throat, in my heart and in my stomach and a pain so fkg unbearable.

I can't sleep even though I know I should. When I do sleep I wake up and I have those few blissful seconds where I think he's still here. Then that crushing reality kicking in.

Today is going to be the day they switch off his life support. I don't know if I can do this.

I am so bloody lucky though to have my DDs and my DH. They have shown a love and inner strength i never knew that was humanely possible. DD2 is crazy - she still went in and did a GSCE exam and wants to do another this morning before she comes to the hospital for to say goodbye.

I want to thank everyone for your loving and sweet messages.

To those who have been brave enough to share give me a window into their own MH issues - I thank you. You guys ROCK - you have found it so tough to push through and yet you have been so gracious to open up wounds to help me. I salute you.

To those who posted me stories of people close to them who suffered with MH issues - I thank you you sharing your pain and your loss.

To those who have offered me advice and reassurance - it has been so helpful in ways you don't and maybe won't realise how. I

To those who have given me messages of love and support - I appreciate this so much. Your words have been so helpful too.

I know it's odd typing in here and i don't know you - but I am finding it easier to unload here. I have my family and some amazing friends around too.

To those who have read and not posted - thank you. I feel your silent thoughts and well wishes too.

How brave is your girl? Flowers

Still thinking of you today x

GU24Mum · 27/05/2022 08:23

I'm also a 2004 mother and am so very so sorry to read your post and updates. I'll be thinking of you, your DS and your family.

Volterra · 27/05/2022 08:25

Thinking of you all today 💐

Vijia · 27/05/2022 08:28

I am so sorry for what you are going through op. I have worked in AMHT.

Drugs are not always a panacea for MH difficulties. Psychiatrists are doing their best by tweaking the dose and trying new medication but for all best intentions, these take time to work and need the patient to want to recover.

Some patients do not want to recover. Some say what their loved ones want to hear. Many will make many several more attempts to commit suicide after discharge. Many more will threaten it but never carry it through. What I am saying op is that all of these patients have MH difficulties and it is a struggle for loved ones to accept that certain societies ( Japan, the Baltic nations etc as well as here) have almost created a ' get out of life' card that is endemic by how increasingly common it is, even to the point of becoming a socially 'accepted' way out, especially for males.

It is on a societal level. It is not you, it is nothing you did or didn't do; the medication was given to your son in his best interests. Please take comfort from that.

The most important thing is to think about the happy times, the good memories, your son's kind and gentle nature up against a society/ a world that caused him so much pain and suffering, even if we could not comprehend it and could not see it. It was no less real for him at that time and place in his life. It was unbearable for him.

Please do not feel that you didn't do enough.

Many people torture themselves with what ifs.

Please do not follow this path.

Please take comfort from the fact that he won't be in so much pain and suffering any more and he will be free of it.

Hand hold.

oakleaffy · 27/05/2022 08:29

@JungleZgok
I think your horrendous situation really resonates with people who have been “ Affected” ( Devastated) by Suicide.
Many years ago, an early twenties son of a family member took his own life.

He had two sibs, ( Still here) but despite the length of time since O’s passing, we still can’t make sense of it.
B ( not real initial) had a good job in that it was in a health related field, lovely colleagues, his family were very close.
Bhad suffered from depression, but after the inquest it looked plain that Bhad planned to do this in advance. ( Obviously not going to give details)
Not one of his family members had a clue that B would do this.
It still hurts my heart and tears fill my eyes 2 plus decades later.

B’s loss and the circumstances affected and affects so many people to this day.

I don’t know if B had treatments for his depression, or if the type that can trigger Suicide in susceptible young people.

He too had a loving and close family, who still struggle. Suicide is very hard on those left behind.

Young men in particular appear especially vulnerable, even in loving families.

They knew they were loved, but the temporary profound feelings they are mired in can seen too much at the time.

FMSucks · 27/05/2022 08:30

Just letting you know that a complete stranger has you and your family in her thoughts today. I am so very sorry you are all going through this xx

MsTSwift · 27/05/2022 08:31

Would recommend a book by Claire Tomalin A Life Of My Own very intelligent woman looking back over her life this happened to her she writes about it very well.

ChristineCagney11 · 27/05/2022 08:32

Hi OP, I've not only struggled with my own mental health in my life, I've also been close to others around me that have taken there own life, including a young lass of 19, I think of her very often as she had so much compassion and empathy for others and animals.
Love to you and anyone else reading that needs it today 💖

Nb12 · 27/05/2022 08:36

Thinking of your beautiful son today xx

fancyfrogs · 27/05/2022 08:37

Thinking of you and your family OP. Sending you all my love x

Daisymaybe60 · 27/05/2022 08:39

I am so very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

TuTuLemon · 27/05/2022 08:40

Thinking of you today OP Flowers How proud you must be of your DD ❤️

TuTuLemon · 27/05/2022 08:40

Thinking of you today OP Flowers How proud you must be of your DD ❤️

Jellybean27 · 27/05/2022 08:40

Thinking of you and yours today. X

Letsbekindplease · 27/05/2022 08:41

I am so sorry. I’ll be sitting here thinking about your family today. Just heartbreaking 💔

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