Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

I am thinking of you all today. 💐💐💐💐

Thank you for understanding OP. I’m overwhelmed with both guilt for not reading all of your posts and overwhelmed with sadness for your situation. It’s heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you all day today. 💐

Wishing you all the strength in the world today.

Thinking of your son 💐

OP, I’m so very sorry. From the bottom of my heart I truly am so so sorry.

I’m sending you a thousand warm hugs, you’ll be in my thoughts xx

Have been following your post with great sadness OP. Thinking of you all today and sending strength and love to you all, especially your brave girl going ahead with her GCSE this morning. Xx

Oh sweetheart. I'm so so sorry. Thinking of you and yours and your sweet boy. X

Thinking of you and all your family today @JungleZgok

@JungleZgok Nothing like the same as what you're going through, but I held my son in my arms as he passed away in Neonatal ICU at four days old, quite recently. He was and still is my baby, just as your son was, is, and always will be your baby. Nothing can ease that searing agony you feel, but know one thing: you are a wonderful mum and your boy and two girls know that. Your son couldn't BE more loved.

Hold him. He will feel your love and I hope you equally feel his love for you.

He never meant to hurt you, but his illness was such that he couldn't fight it any more.

In the absence of a miracle, I pray he has a peaceful release when the time comes.

Your daughter is very brave and I hope she receives the excellent results she so deserves.

The whole of Mumsnet is behind you, and here for you and your family, today and always.

@JungleZgok I thought you all night and kept checking on here. Sending lots of love today ❤️❤️

Yes, this.

You should be proud of your DD. Wishing her the best of luck with her exams. Very brave girl indeed 💐

So sorry to read this post, will be thinking about you and your family today and sending hugs xx

You are still in my thoughts,and I'm sending you love and strength to face what lies ahead
Your DD is so brave to do her exam today
You are an amazing Mum

I have also been following this thread and just haven't been able to find the words to say. As a mum of a little boy, it cuts right the core. I don't think of myself as a beliver anymore, but last night a prayer came out for you and your son, almost without me realising. We are all with you. 💔

Just to add, I woke up feeling what I believe was suicidal when my boy was only 12 days old. I rang 111 and was very lucky. I genuinely believed at that time that it was the very best thing for my son. I am absolutely sure that he would not have wanted to hurt you. 😘

My Thoughts are with you today. I am truly sorry you are going through this heartbreaking time. I am at a loss for words as to the pain you and your family are suffering. Your DD is simple amazing like her DM and I wish her the best for her exams, she certainly deserves it. Please no that you are in so many peoples hearts today. ♥️

Holding you in my thoughts today as you hold him.

Thinking of you and sending love . You are a wonderful mother and so obviously full of love for your family .

Thinking of you today op. I can’t imagine the pain you must be in but hope you know that none of this is your fault.

Depression is a vicious beast and we have an absolute crisis here in the UK with mental health in young people. I volunteer with the Samaritans and hear from so many young men who are really struggling, just to stay alive. I’m so sorry your son got to this point op and that you’re having to live through this.

My heart goes out to you and your family, wishing you all the strength and love you need to get you through the day and I hope your son has found some peace ❤️❤️💐

Thinking of you today. As someone who struggled with depression and have family members who’ve passed away from suicide. Remember it is absolutely nothing you did wrong, it’s so sad but it’s an illness of the mind that takes over your whole person.

You’re an amazing mum and he will have known how loved he was. He just wouldn’t have had the strength to carry on.

I'm so, so sorry....my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today.
I understand your pain, my DH's DB was a very troubled soul and took his life on quite a horrific way many years ago. All thexlive and support we gave couldn't pull him out of his dark place. As we did. I'm sure you moved heaven and earth to help him. Please be kind to yourself xx

Like everyone on this thread OP, I too am so, so sorry that this nightmare is happening to you and your family and like many others, I have also thought of little else since you posted.

If the collective power of us all could take away your pain we would do it in an instant, but all we can do is offer our love, support and send you virtual strength to get through the dark days ahead.

We are all here for you.

I am so so sorry for what has happened to your beautiful son. I volunteered as a Samaritan for a while, and please know that people who are feeling like he felt never feel that way because of something that their loved ones did or didn't do. It's much deeper than that and you couldn't have done any more for him.

Wishing you strength and peace today, I can't imagine what you're feeling, but we are all here holding your hand.

All my love to you this morning OP. 💐i have nothing to add or helpful to say. Sending prayers for your boy. X x

Thinking of you. Wish I could come and hug you all and take away your pain. xxx