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Original poster

Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

1000 replies

JungleZgok · 26/05/2022 05:44

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

OP posts:
WannabeGilmoreGirl · 27/05/2022 00:34

Thinking of you are your family at this heartbreaking time. Sending you a massive handhold. Praying for a miracle xx

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 27/05/2022 00:37

I am so sorry to read about your son.
Please never feel that you have failed him because you haven’t and you are obviously a very loving supportive family.
When someone is suffering so severely with their mental health they can be very good at hiding how ill they are, it is their way of protecting those close and dear to them.
Thinking of you and your family.

R0tational · 27/05/2022 00:43

Hugs OP xx

cafenoirbiscuit · 27/05/2022 00:44

Just keep talking to him. He’s in there and it will bring you comfort x

smashmakesmash · 27/05/2022 01:19

I can't think of anything to say. To say I'm sorry just seems so inadequate.

I remember being struck by the suicide of the son of a US congressman, Jame Raskin and there are so many parallels with your son. His son was at Harvard law school, a human and animal rights activist, talented and empathetic. The family seemed so loving and supportive, also a boy and two girls. This boy had everything to live for and so much to give - and access to the best care available. But the depression was just too strong.

The point is that this terrible illness takes the best of us, it really does. Sending you so much love and support. You're not alone in this.

BigCheeseSandwich · 27/05/2022 01:26

There are no words, OP. I am so very sorry.

PinkArt · 27/05/2022 01:45

Sending you a handhold and a hug to help you through tonight.
Squeeze his hand tight and keep talking to him. They say hearing is the last sense to switch off so hopefully he can hear you, but if he can't I think it may help you to say all you need to tell him anyway.

PinkArt · 27/05/2022 01:46

Sending you a handhold and a hug to help you through tonight.
Squeeze his hand tight and keep talking to him. They say hearing is the last sense to switch off so hopefully he can hear you, but if he can't I think it may help you to say all you need to tell him anyway.

MooFroo · 27/05/2022 01:52

Oh my love, sending you so much love and prayers from another mother of gorgeous sons. I can’t imagine your pain and hope and pray you can get through this xx

Devon50 · 27/05/2022 02:05

Sending you all love and prayers. So very sad.
Does your dds school know as they may be able to get special considerations for her GCSEs.
I hope that doesn't sound callous. Hugs.

SpinningCat2 · 27/05/2022 02:18

Another voice, another hand to hold, we are here.

alanabennett · 27/05/2022 02:26

I hope you're managing to sleep a little bit if not, know that there are people awake and ready to listen if you need to rage against the world. Sending love to you and your family.

Hotelhelp · 27/05/2022 02:46

You and your son have been in my thoughts all day OP.

I am so sad and sorry to read your most recent update.

I don’t have the words but I am hoping with all that I have that a miracle occurs for your lovely boy.

No one deserves this and it is just so unfair.

Slurpandcrunch · 27/05/2022 03:17

Popping by to let you know that you are still in my thoughts at this ungodly hour.

Lots of love xxx

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 27/05/2022 03:18

So sorry, sending love & praying for a miracle for your son 💐

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2022 03:31

I’m so sorry OP. I second holding them and talking to them and telling them everything you want to say.

Also ask about getting into bed with them if that’s something you actually want to do. In cases like these it’s generally not an issue.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 27/05/2022 03:32

Those of us in America are still up for several hours yet, just so that you know there are still people here thinking of you, and holding you all in our hearts.

Itstimetoquit · 27/05/2022 03:32

I'm so sorry xxx

MrsDrSpencerReid · 27/05/2022 03:41

I’m so sorry OP xx

Notimeforaname · 27/05/2022 03:50

Thinking of you, your son and the rest of your family. Xx

MMMarmite · 27/05/2022 04:02

I'm so sorry

Delphinium20 · 27/05/2022 04:08

I just read your messages. I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. The love we have for our children is immeasurable. As painful as this is, I hope your love for him sustains you through this hell of a time. Peace to you and your family and to your beloved, beautiful boy.

Original poster
JungleZgok · 27/05/2022 04:42

I've still not read all your messages. But the ones I have are so supportive and I really appreciate them which is helping me so much in the toughest moments of my life. I have an unbearable weight in my throat, in my heart and in my stomach and a pain so fkg unbearable.

I can't sleep even though I know I should. When I do sleep I wake up and I have those few blissful seconds where I think he's still here. Then that crushing reality kicking in.

Today is going to be the day they switch off his life support. I don't know if I can do this.

I am so bloody lucky though to have my DDs and my DH. They have shown a love and inner strength i never knew that was humanely possible. DD2 is crazy - she still went in and did a GSCE exam and wants to do another this morning before she comes to the hospital for to say goodbye.

I want to thank everyone for your loving and sweet messages.

To those who have been brave enough to share give me a window into their own MH issues - I thank you. You guys ROCK - you have found it so tough to push through and yet you have been so gracious to open up wounds to help me. I salute you.

To those who posted me stories of people close to them who suffered with MH issues - I thank you you sharing your pain and your loss.

To those who have offered me advice and reassurance - it has been so helpful in ways you don't and maybe won't realise how. I

To those who have given me messages of love and support - I appreciate this so much. Your words have been so helpful too.

I know it's odd typing in here and i don't know you - but I am finding it easier to unload here. I have my family and some amazing friends around too.

To those who have read and not posted - thank you. I feel your silent thoughts and well wishes too.

OP posts:
2018SoFarSoGreat · 27/05/2022 04:45

It's not odd to type here at all. Do whatever feels right in the moment. There are no rules for these, the hardest moments in life. ❤️

2018SoFarSoGreat · 27/05/2022 04:46

It's not odd to type here at all. Do whatever feels right in the moment. There are no rules for these, the hardest moments in life. ❤️

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