Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

I don’t even have the words. I’m so so sorry OP.
You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers.

You are an amazing mum. ❤️❤️

Thinking of you and yours tonight. X

I’m so sorry OP. Sending you love and blessings. May God keep your son safe in his arms. 🕯

Praying for a miracle for you.

Been thinking of you today; came here to see any update on your gorgeous boy- I’m so so sorry ❤️ You are in my thoughts & prayers. You are a wonderful mother. Love to all your family xxxx

I am holding you, your darling boy, and your family in my prayers tonight.

@JungleZgok > You and your boy are in so many people's thoughts tonight and caring about you x

I’m so sorry. Praying for you and your son

I’m so sorry OP. I will be thinking of you all night. Your lovely son will know you are there xxx

@JungleZgok

Dear heart. I lost my beloved father to this. He knew we loved him. He knew he was an amazing dad. He knew he had friends and work friends who loved him.

He took his life anyway, and we ask that elusive question, “why,” every day — and we’ll ask it for the rest of our lives. The best answer I’ve been able to come up with, is that life on this earth was just too much. It was like a glass that over-fills, and it couldn’t hold any more, so my dad felt he had only one choice.

What breaks my heart for him, is that he felt so all alone, that he felt that that was his only choice. He shared that with no one. And, for us, we’ll never know why.

I’m crushed for you, and I want you to know that my heart is with you now and every day. Be with your boy. Talk to him. Remind him of all your beautiful moments together and of all your family’s beautiful moments. Go to him. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him you need him. Tell him everything you need him to know, even if you’re angry. And tell him again and again. Remind him of all the funny times and angry times and how selfish he is for thinking you’d be better off without him, over & over.
Don’t for one moment think he can’t hear you.
He. Can.
And don’t let the doctors tell you any different.

I’m just so very sorry, and I’m keeping the faith that soon your sweet baby boy will tell you why himself. So, you keep the faith, too, okay? ❤️

My heart is breaking for you. He knows how much you love him. He really does. I don't know what to say. I'm praying for a miracle for your wonderful boy.

@pollymere Have you read all of the OP’s posts?

@JungleZgok I am so sorry you’re going through this. So, so sorry 💐

I missed your last message, sorry. I hope he turns a corner. He's in my prayers tonight.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May He lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.

This is def not your fault, every one of us has the ability to choose how we think, feel and act. Sadly, your DC seems to have fallen into the same pit so many his age have fallen into. My DD is often suicidal, so I know how awful it is.

I hope your DC recovers physically very quickly and that there is then the right mental health support too. If not and you can afford it, find a reputable hypnotherapist, they can often have an impact with one session whilst services are being put in place.

I'm sending strength and a hug to you and your DC. 🥰

Oh god love ye. Sending you all strength to get through this awful time 💖

@pollymere ❤️

@JungleZgok - You say 'I want to understand why this has happened ...'. My heart's breaking for you, but other parts of your post show that your son has a family where he's been in the best possible environment for him. He's felt able to talk to you all and express how he feels. Whatever happens that's something that can never be taken away from him and can't be over-estimated. So many people don't have that. It's so difficult to know the words to use in these situations, but I hope you can recognise that your son has had the opportunity to grow up within what sounds like a wonderful family environment. My husband's brother committed suicide at the age of 17 and he'd never said anything about having these thoughts. My uncle killed himself and, again, still to this day his wife has no idea why (this was the '60s), because he never felt able to talk about what was going on in his mind. Both these deaths came out of the blue to those around them.

Again, going back to the 'understanding why', we can't know, and I don't suppose anybody who doesn't have this horrible mental health problem going on in their brain will ever understand. I read a book by Danielle Steele who lost her son to suicide and it helped me to understand how, when the help, the love and the understanding is there, it may be that in the end that is the outcome that somebody wants/needs. I say this
as someone who ended up in hospital at the age of 19 because of a suicide attempt and I never, ever, talked to anybody, especially family, about what was going on in my mind. It's still a problem for me, and I live with it every day. I can't stress enough how much your family life must have given strength to your son, that he's been able to talk to you all about this.

I am so sorry OP. My thoughts are with your boy and with you and your family. Sending love and light xx

I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you all 💜

Im so very sorry @JungleZgok

I've been watching the clock Edge to midnight knowing this new day will be unspeakably hard, typing here in the dark seems utterly useless but please know we are all holding you in our thoughts.

Your love for your darling boy shines through.

Still hoping this doesn't end this way for you all

I really don't know what to say just sending love

Thinking of you tonight ❤️

I’m so sorry OP. Thinking of you and your lovely boy 💜💐

holding your family and your precious, loved, lovely son close in my thoughts

Thoughts to you, your beloved son and your family...Will be thinking and Praying for you all 💔