Can we talk about widowed fathers, like if you mum died first? What's normal behaviour?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My mum died two years ago, from cancer. Their marriage had often been fraught, but calmer in the last 20 odd years. At the very end there was bad blood between them.

Since she died my father has been pretty proactive about looking for another woman. A fair few dates. He seems to have settled on one.

He was always down on my mother, though utterly charming to the outside world. I have barely spoken to him for about a month. I've been raging to think of my mum six feet under while he sails of into the sunset with some woman a few years older than me.

The only person I can really talk to is my brother. He lives abroad with his family and is fairly detatched from it all.

What's normal here? It just looks like a huge pile of male effing entitlement to me.

I'm going through this now with my family. Dad in his 80s, found a younger woman he's known less than a year and now it's like my mum never existed. It's horrible. I think a big part of it is men do not know how to live alone no matter what age they are.

That's why they pair up so easily and women less so. Male entitlement. No one worries about widowed women being lonely. That's just their lot.

It's really interesting. The widowed women I know have blossomed since losing their husbands. They are always out and about and enjoying themselves. I think a lot of them don't want to meet another man and spend their remaining years washing his pants! The men tend to crumble without a woman in their life. Their social life was often organised by their wife. Their wife took care of the home. They struggle to do these things on their own so make finding a new partner a priority. It's beneficial for them.

@RedDiamond my mum did the same as your ex boyfriend's late wife. My father has plenty of money of his own so it makes little material difference to him. He's still rattling around their big house. It is some comfort to know that we don't have to stomach a new woman in my mother's house and could force the sale. That would mean a massive showdown though. But if he's moved on emotionally, he should be able to move house as well.

Hope you have found a gentlemanly man now.

Sorry to hear that @Cafetropical
So my fears are not completely unfounded...
Others on here seem to have navigated this somehow, which might be some comfort.

Thank you op. My mum worked all the hours god sends to provide for us, jointly with my dad. It hurt to watch him waste all their hard earned money on a woman and her children who did nothing to earn it. She was abroad and he was even building her a house. Talking to him about power of attorney or other things to protect finances didn't work so I stood by and watched it play out. I think I would've been happy for him to settle down with a woman of similar age as a companion and her kids and us would be step siblings and friends. Instead he spent the last years of his life being completely rinsed for money and stressed by her demands. More money than he ever spent on us or his grandchildren btw

@Comedycook my father has a cleaner.

I think women just have to jolly well get on with it and make the most of the situation. Part of the male entitlement is that they also want all the pity as well. "Poor lonely old me. Why shouldn't I hook up with a trophy wife/partner?"

My mum died at 61, she'd been with my Dad for the best part of 40 years. He was 63. My Dad turned up with some woman to a family lunch a couple of months after, without warning, and I was livid. She kept referring to me as "the daughter" and was so far removed from the sort of person my Mum was. I'm afraid I told my Dad what I thought. He did listen though.

A few years later he met my now stepmum. It's not been without its difficulties. There is a huge age gap and she is within a decade older than me. However, they married, they have been very happy and she is absolutely devoted to my Dad despite him having some significant age related health issues. She has made a lot of sacrifices.

I love my stepmum and I am glad that he has her. There is no doubt he was unable to live alone and was desperate to find another love. I am, however, glad he waited a bit and didn't jump in head first.

My dad started internet dating 4 months after my mum died and he supposedly adored her and they had no marital problems (that I was aware of anyway).

I was furious and told him so, it was a very rocky and hurtful time. A few years on I have realised that my dad was just lost without a partner- it was quite pathetic really (not pathetic that he wanted a companion- I get that, but that he literally couldnt go more than a few months out of respect for my mum).

He eventually found someone lovely and we now have a great relationship but if I'm being honest, I will never forgive him for doing it so quickly. It was like being stabbed in the guts emotionally so I really feel you OP.

@JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth that's pretty upsetting. I'm so sorry. It's not about the money so much as who he cares about.

My DH has sort of step sibs but as they are considered more important than him it's not quite the happy blended family. But I think if my dad got together with an equal woman, his age, with adult children our age, yes it might be fun.

Yes it's true. And I don't just mean cleaning or housework specifically but overall men benefit more from being in a relationship than women do.

@ParisNoir I'm glad you have found resolution in this situation. And I'm glad your mum felt loved and cherished while she was alive.

I feel like I have just inherited all my mum's angst. I love you mum, faults and all, but I really don't want your insecurities.

It is helpful to know that I'm not completely bonkers, that others feel weird about their ruthless fathers.

V true op they don't seem to remember their own kids or value them as compared to the new wife's kids

Thank you all again for sharing your experiences. I am reading your messages and trying to reply because they all chime with mine in different ways. I have to come off for now though.

Could you expand on the 'supplanting' bit. Things were OK with my eldest DSC and me until I was sporting their Dad's ring. (He'd been widowed a couple of decades).

I'd meet every bit of your brother's criteria and more, but it seems to no avail.

I think if my dad got together with an equal woman, his age, with adult children our age, yes it might be fun.

I know he's hot property, but it would be a bit cold writing all that out on a dating site:

Must own property worth £xMillion
Must have looked after herself well and have private medical insurance
Must have private pensions worth at least £XX thousands per year
Ideally have adult children aged between 35 and 40, but no grandchildren intended or expected (to compete with mine)
Minimum age 68
Ideally own a cool sports car/yacht or two that she is willing to lend my children
Ideally own a second home in Europe that she is willing to lend to my children
etc.

You get my drift!

my father actually went on a date with someone he met at the bereavement counselling group. Which I thought was pretty crass.

Not crass, totally normal.

I'm sorry if your dad acted like an entitled male when he was married to your mother. It sounds like they had a long, unhappy marriage together but both chose to stick with it, for whatever reason. That was their decision.

Deciding to date now is not male entitlement, it is absolutely his right. This is his one life and he's single so is free to seek sex and companionship without reference to you - in the same way that you can seek sex and relationships without reference to him. Likewise it is his choice who, if anyone, he asks to share his home and money. If what you say about him is true then any prospective partner will be earning every penny.

Whether you want a relationship with him or not, don't project your love and respect for your mother with his feelings for her as a wife. She is far beyond caring what he does and he can't hurt her any more. Base your relationship with him on his worth as a father.

I was quite clear in my post that I want him to be happy. I've never said anything to him about how quickly he moved on, or shared my views on his choices of partner. As you can see in the section you've quoted, I was a teenager. My structures had been completely dismantled actually, my life didn't go on as normal. I needed the parent I still had left, and he was more focused on finding someone to cook for him and clean up after him. As many men seem to be when widowed.

@SpaceshiptoMars 😂you win funniest response. There is actually an offer on the table that has a yacht and house in France. But I get seasick and she wouldn't/I wouldn't want my kids in her immaculate holiday home.

On the plus side, despite ending up wealthy, she is from a 'normal' back ground and has a nice dog.

But I can see that I don't have to have any relationship with The New Woman. When trust is lost there may be a tendency to see relationships as transactional. My DH says I need to lower expectations to zero. Anything above that is then a bonus. He has always been wary of his DF, but I guess he's right.

WRT to the ring, is it a new ring for you or a piece of jewellery connected to his marriage? One of my first (of many) irrational panics was that The New Woman would steal the jewellery my mother left me & DD. It's still in mum's house as it seemed safer there.

It sounds like you already have some sort of relationship with your partner's children. There must be some reason why he hasn't remarried in all this time.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied to my questions. There is another thread on here started by a woman who lost her baby. My concern isn't 0.000001% of what she must be experiencing and I realise that I am extremely priviledged to have two parents who stuck together.

I know that the letter of the law is Till Death Do Us Part, but this still feels like an infidelity.

Hearing that most widowed men take full advantage of their numerical demographic opportunity makes me slightly more resigned to the situation. Overall women (not my mum) may get a few extra years but the men who outlive their wives seem to be having a great time in the abundant sweetie shop of fanciable older, sometimes younger, women.

In a strange way it is also reassuring to know that other adult children feel upset when this happens. That I'm not going mental (I have been going mental). Feeling much calmer now, if not exactly delighted by it all. Thank you again.

You aren’t alone, I’ve been in this situation myself.

My mum died 7 years ago and a few days later I visited and there was a woman sat in my fathers lounge. She was introduced as a friend of my fathers (I’d vaguely heard of her as her own husband had died the month before my mum) within 2 weeks they were going out for drinks, 6 weeks later they went away for a weekend and 4 months after my mother died she moved into our family home.

My adult brother who lived with my dad had his life made so uncomfortable and was eventually told he needed to move out, I was livid and told my father how disgusted I was. The woman emotionally manipulated my father to the point that she poisoned me against him and I was told that unless I fully accepted the situation my father was never going to speak to me again.

So I haven’t spoken to him since.

Shes lived there ever since, he’s signed over half his house to her and basically lives under her thumb found as he’s told by her and her children.

It was torturous at first, I’d lost my mother then my father within a few months but my pride will not allow me to bow down to him or her - she’s caused so much trouble - an absolute toxic bitch.

The way I see it now she can wipe his arse in his old age, saves me the bother. I firmly believe he’ll realise what he’s done at some point, lost all contact with his children and his only blood grandchildren. He hated my children causing a mess and fuss when they were younger and his house is now almost always full of her kids, all under the age of 10 - I hope they drive him fucking crazy.

@saraclara my rational brain doesn't want to use perjorative bitchy language, but my guts feel angry.

Groupie as in, hang on, who are you? My mother is the Wife round here.

I know vultures perform a vital role in their ecosystems, but there's something unsettling about the way new women swooped in the moment my mother died. I would include my father and one of his (sleazy) male friends in the vulture camp.

If it was the other way round and my widowed mother meeting a new man I would mostly be concerned about her getting hurt. I don't know how I would feel about my father. Hard to know until you have been in that position. Which obvs I never will now. I hope things worked out well for you and your family.

@Sytabnjs I am so sorry to hear this. I didn't realise how many people are quietly suffering in this situation.

Part of me hopes the new woman turns out to be a toxic nightmare. I have been told off for using the word groupie, but the thought of some fawning little jointed doll flattering the old man makes feel sick. I'd rather she was a b*tch. But maybe I should be careful what I wish for.

Sorry again. I hope your father wakes up.

@ParisNoir I'm glad to hear you found resolution with your father and things are better now.

@Porcupineintherough your response is perfectly sensible and counsellor-ish. My head is starting to clear and am very grateful to all the complete strangers who have responded to my rant.

But "If what you say about him is true then any prospective partner will be earning every penny." Ugh. My point exactly about groupies and gold diggers.

OP, I would gently suggest that the amount of venom you hold for this woman seems disproportionate, and you might benefit from some professional support to help you process your (understandable) trauma from your mum's death and also from witnessing what sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship between her and your dad.

I'm sorry you lost your mum. Grief is very, very hard, and you have to be actively aware of not allowing it to transform into something unhealthy. FWIW, I was widowed 18 months ago and don't feel anywhere near ready to date, but I know lots of widowed people who feel able to do so much more quickly - or who have just met the right person during that time period. They all still love their late spouse and don't see their new partner as a replacement. It's like having two children, apparently - your love for the second in no way diminishes your love for the first.