Can we talk about widowed fathers, like if you mum died first? What's normal behaviour?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

My mum died two years ago, from cancer. Their marriage had often been fraught, but calmer in the last 20 odd years. At the very end there was bad blood between them.

Since she died my father has been pretty proactive about looking for another woman. A fair few dates. He seems to have settled on one.

He was always down on my mother, though utterly charming to the outside world. I have barely spoken to him for about a month. I've been raging to think of my mum six feet under while he sails of into the sunset with some woman a few years older than me.

The only person I can really talk to is my brother. He lives abroad with his family and is fairly detatched from it all.

What's normal here? It just looks like a huge pile of male effing entitlement to me.

My mum died suddenly at 64. Marriage was outwardly happy. Dad announced that he was moving one of her friends in at her funeral 🤷‍♀️. My sister and I suggested counselling. He broke up with that person and then we had a succession of online dating etc. It was so painful and impacted on my sisters and my own grieving process because we were so worried about him. He has since remarried but our relationship will never be the same. He wasn’t the person that I thought that he was. His behaviour was so hurtful and thoughtless. He erased my mum - she had spent her life putting everyone else first - including him. I accept that he needed to have another relationship but to pretend as if my mum had never existed was horrible.

@neatlittlerows @DrDreReturns yeah, there's plenty of people who've done the theory test chipping in. None of them have ever driven a car on this widowed-dad-on-the-loose road.

Your situation sounds extra upsetting Neatlittlerows. Can he not come and visit his grandchild alone? If I was ever lucky enough to have a grandchild, wild horses wouldn't keep me away. But maybe a #wife2.0 is more of a restraining order. I'm not blaming The Other Woman here. She will heavily influence the decision but it is up to the man to choose whether or not to ditch his first family.

@TheOnlyAletheia that must have been a massive shock. Glad you have a sister to share it with. Happy marriage or not it seems hard either way. Yes, I can see that the relationship I had with my father all my life has gone, not coming back.

The full depth of my mother's unhappiness has smacked me so hard I'm still reeling. She was always a whiney, dependent, kiddult in her gilded cage. She had very little agency. My father's vanity and ambition went waaaaaay ahead of anyone else's mental health. My mother tried to exert control over such petty things. It drove me and DB mad. And it gave 'D'F ammunition to do her down. In our relationship I was sometimes the adult and she the child.

I'm ashamed to say that I often sided with my father, or went along with the idea that she was being unreasonable, 'pull your socks up woman' type thing. He can be a bully if you get on the wrong side of him, but totally charming if you are his good little girl. I see now her petty complaints were just proxies for the really big unhappiness that she dragged around. Poor mum. I hope she's in a better place now.

Sorry I should say 'could be' whiney, rather than always. She could also be lovely and vivacious and fun.

OP, you well know what "The Other Woman", as you describe her, actually means to everyone. Unless you are going to disclose that they were involved before your mother died, it is inappropriate to apply it to her.

Your posts are so very angry and bitter. Maybe there is just cause for that based on your childhood, maybe there isn't. Your mother wasn't living in the 19th century when women were actually trapped and if she wanted to, she could have left, so all the "kidult" and "gilded cage" stuff you talk about is specious. You also have a choice, to accept what your father is doing in forming a new relationship or to cut off from him. The only life you have complete control over is your own, but you know that.

"Your posts are so very angry and bitter. "

Well observed @CPL593H I'm not chuffed about my father's unedifying behaviour.

If my mother's awful death turns out to be a fabulous opportunity for him to grasp and exploit, to grab an upgrade. A piece of trophy totty to impress his friends and snotty relatives with, then yes, that makes my blood boil.

What is your interest in this topic @CPL593H if you don't mind me asking?

Men expect to have woman to serve their needs. Widowed women are often happier being on their own with strong female friendships for mutual support.

WRT the term The Other Woman, neatlittlerows father's situation may be perfectly legal, but it doesn't sound legitimate to me. Another poster here said she decided not to enter a relationship like that, thought it well suss.

I wonder whether it is generational as well @Joystir59
Did stoic pre war generation men feel the right to go chasing skirt the moment they were widowed? I can't think of many predeceased men examples from my grandparents generation but those I can didn't go running round on the pull.

Some people say that adult children should have no interest in their widowed parent's behaviour. Back in the day my father wasn't entirely reticent in his opinions about my boyfriends. Does it only cut one way?

Isn't it better to let him know in advance what we would be comfortable with /less completely horrified by?

Back in the day, your father had an entirely appropriate interest your boyfriends because he's your dad (You don't give sufficient detail for me to judge if he was out of order in its expression and your were actually 35).

No, it doesn't cut both ways in the way you suggest.

Did stoic pre war generation men feel the right to go chasing skirt the moment they were widowed?

Family history suggests my great-grandfather did exactly that! My Dad did too, but I got a pretty good DSM out of it, so I'm actually OK with it. By 'pretty good' I mean one who patiently taught me essential life skills and put a truck load of her energy into the family with not a lot of return. Nobody's perfect, but I was lucky with my Dad's choice.

Isn't it better to let him know in advance what we would be comfortable with /less completely horrified by?

It is not uncommon for wealthy men to go 20 or more years younger for a second wife. Other men have gone for internet beauties, only to find they are supporting an entire wider family as a result. If your Dad plumps for the yacht and European home lady, you will already have dodged many bullets!

I think one problem for you is that you have grown up thinking that what is your Dad's is also yours. And legally, it is not. You are very reliant on his goodwill for whatever goodies may come your way in the future.

Isn't it better to let him know in advance what we would be comfortable with /less completely horrified by?

no it isn't, because it's nothing to do with you. He's an adult and he gets to make decisions about his own life. you have no say and no right to dictate what he does and who he spends time with

My FIL was 80 when my MIL died. Women came persistently to try and get with him. My dh was staying with fil to help him and one of the women actually said: when will you be leaving! FIL did not actually want to get another woman full stop. He was broken over MIL's death.

@rnsaslkih your FIL sounds like a decent chap. Good to know there are a few.

But goodness me, 80 y olds being mobbed by desperate women. Most women are sensible but there is a persistent minority of horrors.

I made the mistake last night of reading widower's wife blogs. What a monstrous regiment. Their goal is to isolate the man from his original family. As evident in the testimonies above.

@Trafficjamlog the old man will do as he pleases. But I can tell him my preference. He can't complain if I don't want to play a supporting role in his vanity project.

Don't be silly @SpaceshiptoMars that woman is his age. Ergo her application has been unsuccessful.

I sympathise. Lost darling mother four years ago. Dad has met someone who we just cannot bear. It's all very well knowing you're meant to be fine with it, but I just am not okay with having this woman suddenly in my life and at all social occasions. Want him to be happy, but can't help that I don't like her. And she's always there now. Nothing to do with the will FGS (didn't get beyond first few posts).

@SpaceshiptoMars my father has never given me handouts.

Are you suggesting I suck up to a creep in order to protect my children's interests? That they may not thank me for taking a principled but money losing stand does weigh on my mind.

@honestogod its just not talked about but clearly a lot of people are experiencing a double loss. First your mum and then the illusion that your father was a decent guy.

This experience is awful but in a strange way I'm relieved to have the knowledge. Once you have it, there's no going back. There's lots of threads on here by people lamenting the loss of their 'perfect' father. In some cases that may be right. But for many, little do they know....

How is your relationship with your father these days?

@echt my father made it clear he didn't want me with an older man. Not a problem for me as I don't have a thing for oldies. But what a hypocrite. If challenged now he would just come up with some BS to justify.

There must be some middle ground between slavish adoration of a new woman in your Dad's life and utter rejection! Be honest with him and tell him that the sight of anyone else in his arms is very painful for you, and it will take a long time for you to adjust. You can also say that it is even more uncomfortable because the lady in question is closer to your age than his. Tell him it's a massive headfuck for you. But don't yell it at him, or threaten him - just try and state your feelings calmly. This relationship, like previous ones, might not go the distance.

If you liked the yacht lady, tell him. Try not to fault find the current one, because that will have long term consequences all round. He might want to have a lovely beauty on his arm for a while, but actually settle down with someone more sensible - there's no telling yet.

My grandfather married a year to day that my DGM died to a woman 20 years younger than him.