@Zazie78
I get the waiting feeling for your mum to come back, sometimes i used to day dream that my mum was out there still living her life just for a moment the pain lifted but it wasn't reality. It took a long long time to get used to not sharing my life with my mum. I still need her and no one compares to her. You go through your life and you find other people to connect with, granted it is not the same thing but you will make other connections in the future. I spoke before about my mother in law and how she has become "a mother figure" in my life but its definitely not the same and am acutely aware of how different she is to my mum, she is definitely not a replacement just someone i can talk to about the kids. I miss that connection with my mum, that unconditional love it is so precious.
The counselling sessions you are about to start should help you process some feelings. It doesn't take away the pain but it can help make sense of some of your emotions. I felt terrible guilt after my mum died for multiple reasons and non valid i can see now but it was just part of my grief. I used to torture myself with the "what ifs". I eventually learned to let go of that. Focus on your DD, it helped me to lead by example and parent my children like my mum parented me and my sister.
It takes a long time to see past the actual event of someone so precious dying. I went over and over in my head about what happened in the hospital. You simply can't help it and it is normal to look back. Eventually though i could see past that terrible time, it is still there the memories of mum slowly slipping away from us but I can also see all of the love and happiness before she became unwell. No one really talks about the physical pain of grief the exhaustion, the weight loss, the stomach aches, the nightmares and muscular pain but in the early stages this physical reaction is very real and but can be tough but you will get there, just go slowly.