For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hi,
My Dad died suddenly 4 weeks ago, I was with him in the evening before he passed, we just chatted and watched TV like we always did, I told him I loved him so much before I left. The next day my sister popped round at lunchtime and his blinds were closed, she called me at work and I knew straight away. The police had to break in and we waited outside to be told the dreadful news. He was only 67, my best friend, I loved him so so much.

Since then, my brother got married, we had my dad's funeral and I moved house all in the space of a week. I tried to go back to work this week, I managed a couple of very unproductive days then broke down at work in a meeting with a supplier and had to come home. I feel like I should be doing better than I am but I just feel like I can't cope. I feel bad about letting work down but I can't hold in my emotions and I think I need some more time.

On top of this, earlier this year I had to sort out moving my mum into residential care as she has dementia. I feel like I've lost both of my parents within 6 months.

I'm sorry everyone is going through this, it's absolutely shit.

@LadySchmuck Four weeks is no time at all and that's without wedding and your mum and moving house. Do not say 'should be' this or that. There's no should. You're judging yourself and you need to be gentle with yourself. You wouldn't tell a friend they should be doing better would you?

Take more time off. I went back after 5 weeks. It was probably too soon but I stumbled through. I'm pretty burnt out and heading towards some leave now.

I am so sorry you lost your Dad too soon. How wonderful that you told him he was loved though . I've found that a comfort that at least I had chance to say that to my Dad.

My in laws seem to think i should be over it all 10 weeks after losing dad. There's a family birthday party this weekend with my husband's lot. We have a plan for me to go home if I'm struggling but let my husband and little one stay; apparently I should be able to deal with such events now. Doesn't help the family we're seeing never offered so much as their condolences in amongst the grief and shock and this is my first time seeing them since diagnosis to death in a matter of weeks.

@Thisisus4 I wouldn't go. Let your husband go without you. They sound awful. You deserve some empathy x

My Dad died in January, and I'm still massively struggling.

It was our 30th wedding anniversary recently, and everyone kept asking what we were doing to celebrate. In the end, I really snapped at DH and told him that I was just too sad and upset still to even think about having a party or weekend away. I felt awful but nothing feels like it means very much at the moment

I'm sorry to be coming into the thread late on without having RTFT - I wouldn't normally but I've just read the last couple of pages.

My mum died of cancer at the end of May. We couldn't do her funeral until the end of June, for various reasons. I did the eulogy & I was very stressed about that. I thought I'd give myself June to WFH fully & withdraw from things a bit & I'd be ok to go back to a day per week in the office & going back to my usual social life in July once the funeral was over.

But I'm not. For the second week running I've come home early in tears & I'm so tired most of the time. I know I'm lucky to have no major responsibilities apart from taking turns with my siblings to spend weekends with Dad, and to have a great support network & an understanding boss who's happy for me to stay away from the office as long as I need to, but I just want to feel back to normal & reading what other people say, it seems that for now this is my normal.

How long has it taken for other people to start functioning properly again?

My mum died suddenly just over 5 weeks ago and I am so tired. My dad also died suddenly over 11 years ago and it has brought so many emotions to the surface again. They were both in their 60s and I feel so cheated at not having the chance to say goodbye either time. I am back at work this week, doing what I can as I wfh, but cannot concentrate and just could sleep all day if I let myself. I know this stage passes but I know how hard it will get first. Sorry not sure why I’m posting but maybe knowing I/ you are not alone will help someone. I have a great supportive family and friends but it’s a lonely journey.

Oh @Tiredandsad1234, I'm so sorry.

I won't say I know how you're feeling, but I can definitely identify with the tiredness.

@EmpressaurusOfCats I am so sorry for the loss of your mum too. I can totally relate to the desire to be working and having a normal focus, but everyone says to be kind to ourselves - which is what we would say to a friend I guess. I don’t know how long this period will last for you, everyone is different, but you’ll also be supporting your mum which will mean your own reserves are low.

That really helps, @Tiredandsad1234. Thank you. I think I’m starting to recognise that I just need to accept this phase as something I will eventually get through.

I hope it’s not too long for either of us.

I have just finished for the summer on my annual leave at long last. Dad died at the end of March. I feel so relieved to be able to rest and process at last. I feel suddenly overwhelmed by his absence. That I won't see him this summer or ever again. It doesn't seem real. Still.

Someone told me that the worst thing about grief is the finality and I really feel that now. I'm so sad I'll never speak to him or see him again. I wish I believed in heaven but I don't. Must be a comfort to be able to believe that but I don't really understand how anyone does believe it.

@Sohereitissuddenly I don't believe in heaven or afterlife either. My DDad died 16 years ago now. It sometimes feels like last month and sometimes feels like a lifetime ago. His ripples are still here though, whether it was my toddler daughter bafflingly using long vowel sounds just as he did (they never met), or my older brother morphing into him as he ages, or the fact that I still pay off my credit card bill almost immediately.
It took me a long time to see it, but he is still here, every day. I take great comfort from that.
My dm died in February, I am waiting for the sadness to recede a little and for her ripples to start to show.

I keep going to where Dad's ashes are buried, hoping to feel something - that he's there. But I don't at all and it's far from the comfort I thought it would be.

It's just nothingness, and it's always there.

It doesn't help that I didn't get any time off when Dad died, and then DH had surgery so I've had to singlehandedly run our business and carry the full load at home. I think I've realised that I need to just rest but trying to juggle this isn't proving easy.

@AllBellyandBoobs thanks for your thoughtful words. That's a lovely way of thinking about it. I have had moments of that but it's a bit raw still.

@Badger1970 I'm sorry, that sounds hard. I hope you can rest. It's hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I'm quite unwell with my chronic illness which is part of it all. It's all swirling around. I'm going to just watch TV for next two days and do little else. I'm so exhausted.

Hello, can I join the thread? My mum died suddenly last Thursday evening. She took unwell and it turned out she had a brain haemorrhage. We sat with her through the night and she died last Friday morning. She was only 59.

We've had her funeral and most of her paperwork has been sorted - she lived a simple life which made it easy for us. Which is a massive relief, as my dads estate when he died was much more complicated with multiple properties and needed a solicitor to administer.

I'm just so tired now. I still feel numb and in shock. I haven't been crying much, I don't know why. I was on sertraline before so maybe that's what's keeping me on an even keel. I don't want to feel depressed again but I feel guilty for not crying all the time even though I do miss her ever so much. I'm just so tired. I only got up at 8 today and then slept 11-1 and 4-6. I needed a red bull just to get me through going to the shop for a couple of things.

Oh I'm so sorry @MeinKraft. That's a dreadful shock. I didn't cry much when it just happened. Dad died from cancer but only three weeks after diagnosis. Its adrenaline from shock. You haven't had time to process it at all. The antidepressants are Perhaps doing their job. I know when I had to take them several years ago, I couldn't cry. But they were needed. Be gentle with yourself. There's no one way to deal with this.

This thread has helped me. I hope you can feel some comfort from it too.

I’m so sorry @MeinKraft.

It’s been nearly 2 months now since my mum died & one thing I’ve learned is that like @Sohereitissuddenly says, there’s no right way to react. Someone said to me that the numbness is a way of protecting yourself, and the tiredness is apparently normal too.

@MeinKraft I'm so sorry, what a shock that must have been.

I think the thing I've learned is not to underestimate the physical shock. I felt unwell for nearly 3 months with it. And do things at your pace. There's no right or wrong way to get through this

My Mum died suddenly at home 2 days ago. I lived with mum for the last 5 years since my dad died, so we are ever so close. We were close- sorry not are, because shes now in past tense and therefore not an are. I'm sorry this is nonsense i havent slept since and my face is red raw from constantly crying 😢

I am so sorry @OhLola04

I still remember the sheer disbelief of the first few days.

Hugs @OhLola04. I’m so, so sorry and you’re fully entitled to talk nonsense.

Just go as easy on yourself as you can.

@OhLola04 of course you feel completely devastated. You poor thing. Just try to go with the flow of your emotions at this terribly early stage, it’s such a shock. Everyone is here for you.

I revisit this thread from time to time as it still comes up in my feed. It’s going to be three years in the autumn since my dear mum died and I still think of her, and miss her, most days. Hugs to everyone who’s going through this.

@OhLola04

You are in shock like others i recall the first days/weeks the pain is relentless loosing my mum was definitely the most traumatic event in my life so far. You just need to take things a day at a time. Try to eat a little if you can just bland foods like toast or plain oat cakes. I remember feeling physically sick all of the time. You hear about the emotional side of grief but less so of the physical side. Where your whole body aches and you feel like you could throw up at any moment. Its so hard we all know how u feel on here take care

@MeinKraft
Exhaustion is part of grieving i used to sleep during the day too because it was the only time i could escape my feelings. Sometimes i didn't want to wake up again to face those crippling feelings but you do because our mums and dads would want us to continue with our lives. They gave us life afterall and i try to live mine by my mums example and i try my best to be a good mum to my children.

A colleague did encourage me to speak to my GP this may be an idea for you too, have you been in touch with your GP yet? I also relied heavily on friends and Cruse Bereavement they helped me a lot too. I would encourage anyone to make contact with them even the helpline was useful as a sounding board.

There isn't a way fast forward what you are feeling but you will get there. I lost my mum in March 2021 and i still miss her terribly. Am coping a lot better now though thank goodness it is really a very difficult time but it does get easier as the months pass. I don't miss my mum any less but the pain has lessened through time.

It’s been 4 months and I was doing better. Going a few days without crying then this evening I’ve just completely let it all out again. I can’t stop thinking of those final days. So many regrets, all the little things, I know there’s nothing I can do but I can’t help replaying the hospital and how I should have advocated better.
I miss my mum so much, I’m close to my dad but he just isn’t my mum. She was the only person in the world who got me. She understood. All the little things that blokes just don’t get. She was my best friend and I feel so alone.
I still find it hard to believe she isn’t coming back. I still talk to her and beg her to give me a sign that she’s there somewhere. How is it so many people in the world lose a parent yet I feel like this grief is so overwhelming. I look at people who have lost a parent and wonder how they hold it together so well then remind myself that from the outside I look the same.
Sorry for the ramble, this evening has just been a difficult one.
I do have a question though, has anyone done anything to mark it? I keep thinking about a memorial tree or something but can’t settle on anything