For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

My mum died last year on mother's Day. She had breast cancer for over 2 years and outlived her prognosis significantly. She only was ill for around 2 months in total and otherwise was able to just go on with her life (after COVID of course) she was looking after my dad who was starting with memory loss.
Mum was 'my person ' we spoke every day, I'm divorced with adult children who are ASD and live with me.
I miss her so much but also feel really frustrated because now I am responsible for my dad who is now awaiting a dementia diagnosis.
I feel overwhelmed every day and have no one to share the good things with anymore let alone the bad

@4catsaremylife i hear you sometimes you feel so alone.

Today i got a really terrible piece of news it has really floored me. I have been going through a legal process regarding medical negligence against the care home my mum lived in before she died. My mum wasn't old but she did have physical disabilities and quite complex mental health issues but she was still a person and still my mum. Today i got an email from my lawyer saying that they are dropping the case, they got a final medical report from a expert nurse which is not supportive and claims that the nursing care in the home 'normal' not "gold standard or very good but normal" all but 2 points which were to me are significant, were dreamed below standard but apparently this is not enough to proceed with the case. Even though we have other supportive reports from two other professionals.

I just can't believe it, they didn't even phone me just an email, so impersonal and the care home well they will never have to accept liability now for not getting my mum medical assistance sooner.

This was the last thing I could do for my mum, the last fight for her. I feel broken i have been in bed asleep (until now) since 7pm. I was out walking my dog just before i went to bed and i have never felt so old in my whole life. In that moment i felt like i aged 20 years. I will try to appeal the decision but all of my fight has gone. I just feel totally broken and i miss my mum so much.

I'm so sorry about the care your mum received. I work in an industry where I hear similar every day. I cannot believe how some nursing homes treat their residents and sadly very few are brought to book legally. Sending you a virtual hug

My dear Mum died last week. Life seems to have no purpose now. She appeared to be physically well but suffered from depression that led to a breakdown (psychosis) 2 years ago. The post mortem did not find a cause of death. I was abroad when it happened. She was the centre of my tiny family. I'm lost. Devastated.

@JeanSheila I just wanted to acknowledge your post and say how sorry I am. I lost my Dad totally unexpectedly nearly two years ago, which might sound like a long time ago, but truly it’s not. And I remember the night I first posted on here, on this exact thread only a few days after losing my Dad. I remember the first few days well. The shock, the devastation, the raw heartache and all those feelings together. Nearly two years on, I am still in shock at what happened and like you, my Dad was the centre of our little family too. I honestly don’t know how we are carrying on life without him, it is so very hard, but somehow we do keep getting up and we do keep going. Sending you love and strength on this terribly terribly hard journey x

I am so sorry @JeanSheila. I too remember those utterly shell-shocked first few days. I hope you have people around you who can be supportive and understand.

I wanted to come back on here today because it’s Mum's birthday and I’ve been thinking about her and missing her so much. It’ll be three years in October since she died. I didn’t feel able to tell anybody in real life - well, except my DH and DSis, who of course already know, but she would have been 100 today. It just feels incredible to write that. Someone who was so funny and optimistic and always young in spirit, and never remotely seemed to be the age she actually was.

@Brillig I can totally understand how you must be feeling today. It is coming up to nearly two years since we lost my Dad at the end of this month, so I am a year behind you. I don’t know about you, but when my Dad passed in September 2021 it was then his Birthday in Feb 2022 and I don’t think we did anything to ‘celebrate’ that time with it being the first birthday and things were still so so raw, but last year in Feb 2022 I decided we should celebrate my Dad’s Birthday. I don’t know if you’ll feel the same or totally the opposite and I know we are all different, but to me my Dad’s Birthday has always been a special occasion and a day to celebrate when he was here. We would always go out for a meal with my Dad as a family. So we decided last year that we would carry it on as it still is and always will be a special day and a day that should always be celebrated. Maybe you could still celebrate what would have been an amazing triumphant birthday for your mum. In my eyes, although we can’t see my Dad, I know he’s still with us and I know that he is with us when we celebrate his birthday. I hope you get through the day ok x

Thanks @LucyintheSky21. I tried to think of some of the happy memories. We were lucky to have her for as long as we did - she had non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in her 80s and survived it. She was pretty amazing really. It’s a good idea of yours to celebrate those special days.

@Brillig I hope you have managed to get through today, and I am sure that your mum will have been with you today. I hope you felt that. Some days I think it’s the bong thing that gets me through, thinking and knowing that my Dad is still with me by my side x

@Crunchymum How are you? And @Honeyroar how are you?

I haven't posted for a while but still dip in and out to read posts. I'm sorry that everyone is having a rough time of it.

I don't know what I'm feeling, tbh. I still can't look at photos of Dad, get horrible moments of stomach churning anxiety but don't know why. Burst into tears at random moments. And I really really miss him. I used to curse when he'd ring me at teatime every evening and now I'd give anything to hear his voice one more time.

I haven't even gone down the road of making a complaint to the nursing home he was in. I just haven't got the strength

@JeanSheila

I can see how you will feel lost and the only person you need right now is your mum. I get that and understand that feeling so much. Loosing a parent changes your whole life there is no doubt about that. You feel like a piece of you is missing and that is because it is. They are missing, it is a very hard road to navigate especially when what happened was so unexpected. How old was your mum? Mine was just 66 when she died. That was 2 and a half years ago. I got grief counseling very early on and more sessions after 6 months. I just couldn't handle the devastation, literally it felt like my whole world exploded.

Reach out to people and ask for help. Seek support from your GP, take time off work if you can. Talk about your mum to people, even those who didn't know her helps process some emotions, just having people who will listen and make time for you helps a lot. For such a long time i felt the weight of that devastation pull me down but eventually it just becomes a part of you. Its almost like a new you, or certainly that is how it is for me. Am still me but with a huge piece of me missing but i carry on because i have children and they have been my light even in the darkest of days i have had to keep going for them. Try to find what light shines for you and hold onto it and keep going. You will get through the worst days and remember your mum made you, so she is still part of you and that will never ever be lost.

My wonderful Dad died almost 2 weeks ago. I feel like I’ve come untethered. In that he was an 81-year old who had a heart transplant over 15 years ago and had been in hospital for over 2 months, it wasn’t a total shock…but just 2 days before he died the doctor told me that they were thinking he might be discharged the following week, and I was busy changing things around at home so he could come and stay with us in a ground-floor room. Despite not having lived in the same country as each other for over 20 years we were extremely close and talked to each other most days.

My heart goes out to everyone here. It’s such an inevitable part of life, but it’s so very hard.

@Badger1970 I could have written that. I’m the same as you in that I first joined this thread nearly two years ago, and now I too dip in and out. I also don’t know how I feel about any of this, it’s nearly two years since I lost my Dad unexpectedly and some days I still can’t believe it’s actually happened. Do you still feel like that?

Thanks for tagging me @LucyintheSky21 I do look in here quite often but school holidays / life / work means I haven't posted much lately.

It's going to be 3 years for me this month since my whole world changed. 3 years without my mum. So much she never got to see - a new grandchild, all her other grandchildren thriving and succeeding and growing into people, new jobs, new houses, new kittens! She's already missed so much and it breaks my heart but it also brings me comfort as well. Mum isn't here but her love, her support and the memories we all have of her have allowed us to carve a way through this. My siblings and my dad are all coping and having moments of happiness and making progress in life - something I never thought possible when we lost her.

It's a weird one. I don't want to be another year further away from mum being alive but I'm glad to be out of that hideous, constant, soul crushing grief.

I am still grieving of course. I cried just writing this. I'm changed, I'm different, I carry such darkness inside me now but I know I still carry lightness too (I sound like Yoda 😄)

I have sadness and anguish and sorrow when I think of mum's death and her not being here but when I think mum - alive and happy - I think about her positivity, her dedication to us, her loyalty, her dark sense of humour. I want those to be the memories I focus on when I think of my lovely mum. I want to think about the 40 years of her being here, not the few she hasn't been.

Hi @Crunchymum thank you for coming on and posting something, I always love to read your posts. That might sound strange, but I find your posts always seem to say just how I’m feeling about my Dad and it lifts me a little to read it written by someone else going through the same thing and with a similar situation. I think September is the painful month for a few of us on here and like you, I’m trying so hard to think of the 40 years that I had my Dad here for. He passed just days after my 40th birthday and that will be two years ago in a couple of weeks. I am dreading that day coming around and also my birthday too, as it will always now be the day before my Dad was taken into hospital. Like you, I’m still grieving. I’m also thankful that I’m not still in that beginning few weeks on stage, the gut wrenching wanting to crawl under a rock and die stage. I hadn’t thought about that until you mentioned it, but yes I’m glad I’m out of that stage. So in some ways, I must be getting through the days better than I think I am. It’s hard, when I think about the fact it will soon be 2 years without Dad, it makes me want to cry and it hurts so much, but I need to try and think about all the love and support he have us and smile about the things he’d say if he was here to say them. Keep posting @Crunchymum , it is always lovely to see you on here x

How is everyone else doing today?

It’s 2 weeks today since my Dad died (only 2 weeks?) I’m sitting exactly where I was when I got the phone call from the hospital, out on my terrace in the sunshine but in a different world now. I feel like I’m about 100 years old (I’m 51), my whole body aches and my shoulders stoop. The slightest physical or mental effort is too much. My 9-year old daughter goes to sleep at night clutching one of Dad’s jumpers. When I tuck her in I press my face into it and wish I could go back to when I was her age and being snuggled up to Dad was the safest place I knew. As soon as I wrote that I realised it wasn’t quite right, because actually he was the safest place I knew until a couple of weeks ago. I can’t comprehend that he’s gone.

I am so sorry about your Dad @supersparrow

I can still remember the utter disbelief of the first two weeks. And the drained feeling.

I’m so sorry @supersparrow. It’s a horrible time. It doesn’t feel real. Almost like slow motion, watching it from afar. I have one of dad’s jumpers too, it smelled like him, and used to make me cry because it did. Now the smell is fading, and it makes me cry because it doesn’t! I’m thinking of getting it made into a cushion. Perhaps you could do that with the one your daughter had?

Hi @LucyintheSky21. I’m ok. Having a calm couple of weeks, grief wise. I’ve a fair bit on at my café and am a bit flat out, which helps. I’ve given away a good few bits of dad’s furniture this last couple of weeks, which needed doing, but his empty rooms make me a bit sad. We are going to move into his house next year. It’s a barn conversion that he mostly did himself. It’s not finished, so I hope we can finish it off. It feels like a lot of my dad went into the building and I don’t want to let it go just yet.

I hope you can plan something for your birthday. Even something tiny. Baby steps - build up each year. I’ve been thinking about you and your birthday lately, probably because you’re coming up to it again (my dad died on the 23rd, I think v close to when yours died..). Your dad wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad on your birthday each year. It’s strange how the anniversary of them leaving us becomes almost bigger than their birthday.

Hi @Honeyroar thank you for your kind words. I didn’t know that the date you lost your Dad was so so close to mine. My Birthday is the 22nd Sept, Dad had a heart attack on the night of the 23rd and was rushed into hospital that night. And it was the afternoon of the 24th that we lost my Dad, at exactly 3.19pm. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that time. It hurts just typing this. So the whole 3 days for me, stretching from the 22nd of September to the 24th is just a 3 day stint I’d like to scribble out on the calendar (not here or not going to happen). I will be thinking of you on the 23rd as well, it’s dates I’m not looking forward to at all. In fact, the sooner September is over for me, the better.
I feel a lot like you, in that I don’t feel I have grieved properly, I’m still grieving, but I think it’s something that maybe never goes away. I think when you lose someone so close like your mum or Dad that you will always be grieving for them. And it’s probably a feeling that we get used to, I know some days feel harder than others for me but on the whole I don’t feel quite the same as a person. I think it was @Crunchymum who worded it so well by saying at one point that you carry a darkness inside of you, nothing feels the same after that. That definitely sums up how I feel. I know life has to go on, and our Dad’s would want that and I have two children. My oldest has just started high school and my youngest is 9, so I have to keep going but I feel inwardly very lost and sad now without my Dad. Things like not being here to see my son start high school when they were so so close, my son used to say my Dad was his bestfriend. Things like that have broken me this week. I tell my son that my Dad is by his side and will be watching over him, but it brings as much pain as it does comfort. For the most part, I still just can’t believe he’s not here. Is that how you feel?
Do you know yet what you will do on the 23rd? I know my boys have asked if we are doing anything for my bday as we always used to go out, but my Dad was always part of it so it’s not something I feel I can do without him. Like a big family meal but I want Dad to be there and it would feel wrong. I don’t feel like I will enjoy my bday on the 22nd as I feel that with it then happening on the 23rd and 24th that those dates will always be a black cloud hanging over my birthday. So on the 22nd I feel like I’ll just be dreading the next two days, if that makes sense. Last year on the 24th Sept when it was the one year mark of losing Dad, what your coming up to, we had balloons done (helium hearts in yellow as my Dad loved yellow) and we all went to the cemetery and the boys wrote a message on their balloons and we sent the up to Dad so we plan to do that again on the 24th. And we will take flowers again.

I think you planning to move into your Dad’s house is such a lovely idea and something that will always make you feel close to your Dad. Especially as it was his house but also a barn conversion that he worked on himself. He sounds like my Dad, he could do anything, build or make anything. Such a lovely idea and I think your Dad would be so happy for you and your family to live there. You’ll feel close to your Dad, that your Dad is there around you. I hope that gives you some comfort when it does happen. It still feels strange when we go to my mum’s house as it’s just mum there and I’ll never get used to Dad not being there, but I do like being there and in his garden that he loves so much. Their garden is big and is an all round job that me and my Husband have taken on now for my Dad, but I know when the time comes that I lose my Mum that I’d be devastated for that house to go as it has been their home for such a long time, since I was 18. I don’t know what will happen but I would love to take on their house eventually. x

I felt a bit the same around my birthday as that was the day we found him collapsed, as you know. But I’m not going to mark the day he died. It’s not going to become a memorable date on my calendar, so to speak, because it wasn’t. I don’t want to honour that date. I think about him all the time, I’m trying to steer myself towards good memories. Not ones that will torture me. I hope that doesn’t sound cold. I’ve just got so much going on, I can’t give myself anything else to deal with. I feel like I’m only just hanging on by my finger tips with life as it is. We haven’t scattered his ashes yet, so will perhaps think about that if it’s fine. Dad didn’t like fuss anyway.

But can I just say one thing, and it’s not meant to be horrible, I’d hate to upset you, but please think about not releasing balloons. We live rurally and find them sometimes in our fields. A friend’s horse got one caught on his leg and panicked, ran through a fence and got some nasty injuries from it. I’ve also know lambs and calves to nibble at them, sometimes making them ill/killing them. Even if they don’t cause injuries they just end up as litter… How about planting a tree or plant that will be there for years as a memorial? As I say, this is not meant to upset you, just something I feel quite strongly about.

Went to see mum in the Chapel of Rest today. It was heartbreaking. She died suddenly 3 weeks ago. I don't know how to live without her. We were so close in many ways. I can't take the pain.

Oh Aftermum, I’m so sorry. You’ll be in shock my lovely. It’s horrible. Have you got other people around you? Is your dad alive?