For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I do feel so alone. I have a DS and partner.

Is your partner not supporting you JeanShiela? Have you any siblings? This thread is incredibly supportive. Don’t feel alone.x

Hi all, looking for some reassurance. My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly from sepsis in March. I was utterly floored but in the last two months I thought I’d turned a corner. But in the last two weeks I’ve been a complete mess again. It was her birthday on September 2nd and then last weekend I went to her house (my dad is still there but can’t bear to go into her bedroom )for the first time since she died. It was awful because it all looked the same and I felt that if I looked hard enough I could find her. She could have just left the room, apart from the cobwebs, that made me cry so much. Her case has been referred to CQC because the hospital didn’t test her for sepsis for 6 hours, despite a GP sending her for urgent treatment. I’ve got a hugely supportive husband and two young boys so I keep going but I just desperately want my mum. I thought I’d got through this intense agony grief stage but it’s come back. Writing this has helped I think. Sending love to everyone on their own stage of this journey 🌹🌷💐🌹

Oh love, it’s perfectly normal to have ups and downs. For me it comes in waves. Surprises me frequently. It will be more prominent if it was her birthday. I found I had to desensitise myself by going into my dad!s house regularly. Sending you hugs. You’ve just got to keep plodding on.

Getting mums ashes today. I feel like at 51 my life is over. The best of life has gone. Happy days with mum, me and DS are over.

@Annie0721

Hello i thought i'd reach out as my mum also died from sepsis after a sudden illness. She had a infection in her leg and the nursing staff failed to get her medical help in time. Mum battled for her life for 11 days in hospital before her body gave up, she was only 66 years old. It utterly destroyed me too. Now over 2 years later the legal battle continues with no one accepting any liability but the fight continues for my mum. I wont ever give up but the fight can be very hard on you emotionally, however regardless i continue along this very bumpy road of trying to prove medical negligence. My heart goes out to you, it really does especially when we know that with timely treatment sepsis would not have spread through the body. My mums kidney's failed because of it and that was her gone forever. She took her last breath when we had all left the room for the nurses to give her personal care after the entire family all sitting in vidual around her bed 24/7 and in that moment when we were coming back into the room she was gone no one noticed her slip away, not even the nurses it breaks my heart that I didn't have her hand in mine in that moment.

Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry. Maybe she was waiting to be alone so that she could go. I’ve heard about this happening often and maybe it’s because the loved one wanted to spare their family the pain of seeing them go. I’m sure your mum would have known how you all were with her but maybe she wanted to go on her own terms? Have you ever seen the film Fried Green Tomatoes? There’s a quote in that about “a lady knows when it’s time to go” (or something like that, I think I need a rewatch).
I’m so conflicted about the case being referred to CQC (my brother has been behind this). I was at the hospital more than him and I saw how kindly everyone cared for her. I wrote a thank you card afterwards naming all the nurses and Drs I could remember. The only exception was the surgeon who I think may be a borderline psychopath. She had a rash that despite pumping her full of meds they couldn’t get under control so decided to operate to find the cause. When she came out of surgery, the surgeon came into the relatives room and said that he hadn’t found a cause of the rash and essentially the surgery had been a waste of his time. He was honestly the least sympathetic creature I’ve ever encountered. I asked if he thought my mum was going to die and his answer was “yeah, probably “ - this was on Mothers Day. The Dr jumped in then and tried to be more diplomatic but I cannot get the thought of this man digging around in my mum when he clearly didn’t give a toss out of my head. And yes, she died so congratulations for being right.

But everyone else that cared for her (besides admissions, they definitely dropped a ball) was wonderful. So my feelings are such a jumble. Thank you for replying, reading. Keep plodding on for your mum. Or let it go if it’s holding you back from healing. There are no right or wrongs. Look after yourself and know that she knew you loved her, and still do ❤️

Thinking of you today 💐

It was 3 years ago today that my whole existence changed forever.

I'll just leave my favourite quote here... I found this a few days after mum died (suddenly and unexpectedly). It has given me so much comfort, I carry a small printed copy in my purse and I have a larger print of it hanging on my wall. I read it often and my beautiful DC2 has memorised it so in moments of sadness she says it to me.

💔 my mum died suddenly last month. My life will be never be the same. The pain is unbearable. How do I get through the next few days/weeks/months?

Bless you @JeanSheila
(Jean was actually my mum's name)

I'm afraid I don't have any answers or any quick fix or anything that will truly help you.

It's the oldest cliché in the book but it's taken lots of time for me to work through the stages of grief. And I'm still a sobbing mess on occasion.

Do you have support? A partner / siblings / DC?

I found my children a godsend. They were all young so still needed me and didn't really understand so I still had to take care of them. I didn't "fall apart" as I couldn't if that makes sense?

The early days were all about distraction, putting one foot in front of the other and dealing with all the shit that a sudden death throws up.

There was a lot of "fake it until you make it". Pretending to be okay did kind of help in some weird way.

I also went back to work after a week (my mum died on a Monday and I was back the following Monday, totally my choice but I was WFH and part time so was able to manage. Again It was good distraction!)

I kept things as close to normal as I could for the kids but I drank a lot of wine after they went to bed and cried a lot.

All that truly helped though was time. And eventually I have been able to focus on the happier memories and not that life altering September day in 2020.

Have you considered some bereavement counselling? I didn't but it's been so helpful for some people.

My heart goes out to you. Keep as well as you can ❤️

@Crunchymum
Has it been 3 years already I think I have been on this thread for about 2 years now maybe longer. We are 3 years come 5th March next year. You never stop needing your mum even as an adult you still need your mum and miss her everyday.

@JeanSheila
I have similar advice just try to move forward slowly I recall the bizarre feeling days/weeks after my mum died. I'll never forget standing at the school gates each day in a daze staring at people thinking how can they just be going about their life like nothing has happened and I feel like my world has ended. Its so hard to drag yourself forward. The way I describe my experience of the early weeks and months, looking back is that i felt that the grief sat square on my shoulders pushing me down every day, it was unbearable. I felt that I was never going to get passed the utter devastation and shock. As time pass and I mean a long time eventually it was almost like my body absorbed my grief. I took it inside me and carry this in my heart, mum death became part of me and changed me. Like crunchymum my kids were my lifeline and am honestly not sure if I would be here today if it weren't for them.

I contacted Cruse Bereavement please get in touch with them they can help you and reach out to your GP too they can also offer you some emotional support.

Thinking of @LucyintheSky21 these last few days. Hope you’re ok and had some semblance of a birthday.xx

Thank you @Honeyroar my Birthday was ok, nothing special during the day but lots of nice gifts and flowers and a takeaway in the evening. Tomorrow will be two years that we lost my Dad, we have been and had helium balloons made for my Dad and will do what we did last year and go to the cemetery and send them up to Dad. My two boys write a message on their balloons. We all get one each.
How are you doing? xx

I’m ok. It’s a year today for me.

My mum died at the end of May and my life is now a bit out of control. I can't cope. I feel like I'm waiting for her to come back. She lived with me. She died of breast cancer. She helped me bring up my DD. I'm a single mum. My daughter is 6. We spent a year doing chemo, immunotherapy, mastectomy... and then she just went within a couple of weeks. She had tumours in her bones. It seemed to happen so quickly. I don't know if I fought for her enough. I tried. The doctors seemed to give up on her. The oncologist went on holiday. The doctors weren't communicating with each other. We waited for decisions that never seemed to be made. And then... that was it... she was moved into a rehab place. And then a few days later, we knew she was going. She knew. She gave me her father's wedding ring for my DD. We spoke about how much we all loved each other. It was inflammatory breast cancer. Triple negative. Her chances were never good, but we had so much hope.
And then it was the funeral and I had to get through that.
And then my dad died a month later. I didn't really care. He was a horrible man and I hadn't spoken to him for 20 years, but it still brought up emotions.
And then I split up with my boyfriend. He wasn't there for me at all. He was a good laugh, but couldn't be counted on for... well, anything. On the day my mother died, he went to a festival for the weekend and left me on my own. We didn't live together, but... he knew I would be on my own. He just didn't want me with all my baggage. And I have to put DD first. So, it was a no. But it still hurt that he didn't fight for me. And he replaced me very very quickly.
And I'm a freelancer and lost a lot of clients when I was looking after my mother. So money is really tight and I'm in a massive panic about that. I owe a lot of money. I'll find a solution. I've got to.
I've had to have tests to see if I have cancer. I don't. But it'll be hanging over me now.
Everything seems to have gone so wrong. I'm trying to hold it together for my lovely DD. I feel like I'm letting her down. I need my mother back. I hate having to put on a smiley face when I see people. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd never get out of bed.
I also run a charity. And the work there has never stopped. It's all voluntary. I loved it before my mum got ill. It just feels like a big waste of time now though. How am I going to sort myself out? I'm applying for jobs like mad. I'm trying to be really careful with my money. But I don't feel like a proper grown-up. I look like one to the outside world. But I feel like a kid who just wants her mum.
Has anyone got any good book recommendations or something? I can't stay in this state. I have to sort myself out for my DD's sake. I can't seem to get a grip. I cry out for her. When I think of the pain she was in... it's just too much.

I'm so sorry. I'm feeling the same and have no real advice. I'm hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Have you tried Cruse helpline?

I haven't looked at Cruse. I have some phone sessions with a grief counselling service. Thank you. I'm so sorry you feel the same way. It's just awful, isn't it?

@Zazie78

Sorry that you have lost your lovely mum, there really is no one quite like your mum. I feel thankful that I had a good mum as many dont and it sounds like you had a good mum too but it does make the loss so much harder to bare. Its been over 2 years since i lost my mum she was just 66 years old and died from kidney failure due to sepsis. We never expected to loose her and the aftermath is so complicated so many emotions and thoughts its such a difficult time. Like yourself i only put one foot in front of the other for my children i couldn't bare for them to suffer like I was I wouldn't wish that one anyone.

If I could offer you and advice I would say to you that talking about your mum does help, the counselling is a good idea, I used the Cruse Bereavement helpline a lot plus I had counselling with them too. It helps you process some of your feelings and put any negative thoughts such as guilt into perspective.

I also find that seeing similarities in myself from my mum helps keep her near to me but it hasn't always been that way initially I could barely look at myself in the mirror as we had exactly the same eyes, its like am looking into my mums eyes when I see mine its a strange feeling but there is the life long genetics there that will never leave you and which will also be carried on to your daughter.

For months i found myself searching for a mother figure someone to fill that huge hole that my mum left. I didn't know who that person was and I guess I just eventually stopped searching. I think I was searching for my mum, actually my whole body was aching just wanting to see her but I accepted that no other person will ever be able to be my mum.

I found connections elsewhere such as through my children or my mother in law (definitely not the same as my mum) who always had my back but I have to accept that she would never had mine over her sons and thats ok.

I also try to connect with my mums sister sometimes but its not the same, life will never be the same again and no one can ever fill the emptiness my mum has left in my life and my heart. You do start to adjust and cope better as time goes on but it is a very slow road to negotiate. In the meantime ask for help, you don't need to pretend that everything is ok to people, you'd be amazing those people around you who have experienced a significant loss and who understand. Call your GP if u haven't already and tell them that you are struggling. Think about what your mum would say to you now I still take advice from my mum as I know exactly what she would say to me in any given situation (at least I think so) so I try to live my life like she lives hers with the same values. This may help you too.

@Ttc42nearly43 Thank you for such a lovely response. It's very kind of you. I have the same eyes as my mum. And you're right. I can just hear her giving me a bollocking about moping about. She was straight-talking, but also very very kind. The kindest. I get very upset thinking about the pain she went through... and that she wanted to come home and the doctors wouldn't let me do it. I should have fought harder. I just miss her so much.

I think it’s a strange part of the grieving process to blame yourself and think you didn’t do enough. But if you’re rational you know you did. You have to kind of push yourself out of that mentality when it descends. Tell yourself that all you’re doing is punishing yourself and dragging the hurt out. And that you have to give yourself a break. She’d want you to.

Another thing that has given me comfort is noticing the mannerisms I have, and things I do/say that I’ve “inherited” from my dad. Someone at his funeral said he’s not gone while you’re still here. He lives on in you. I think it’s a nice thought.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and have a lot of balls in the air. You’re coping with so much. She’d be proud.

Hi everyone I just wanted to post here as I just lost my dad last week to cancer. It's the strangest feeling, we're on autopilot trying to sort out the funeral arrangements and I cry usually at home when I'm alone. Keep expecting to see him come in the house. It keeps hitting me over and over that this is it, we'll never see him again. I feel quite numb and life has become very shit. Trying to be philosophical about things in a way to cope but damn it I miss him.

I wanted to reach out @Zazie78 as you have so very much going on and your post really resonated with me..

Definitely look into therapy, I didn't but I think retrospectively it would have helped.

There are many things you mention that are out of your control so try and concentrate on what you can make a difference with. Your work life and your wonderful DD.

You are much stronger and capable than you think. You took control of the unsupportive BF situation and you've actually done something really badass.... you've taken power away from a person adding to your already overstretched mental load. It's very brave and commendable and setting a great example for your young daughter.

You are coping and surviving and you have great awareness. You are also grieving and lost and untethered so you need to be kind to yourself.

We cry and feel sadness as we have lost so very much. But you learn to bear that pain because you are your mum and she is you, always entwined and always in your soul xx

Thank you @Crunchymum. I'm trying very hard to sort myself out. I'll get there. I have some therapy starting a week on Monday. Via Zoom. It's 8 sessions. It might help. It's worth a try, at least. I've been applying for work, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I'll just have to keep trying.
I bumped into my ex's new girlfriend this morning at the vet's. I was upset for about ten minutes but then realised that it didn't really matter. He moved on very quickly and that hurt, but he wasn't right for me. I think it was easier for me the last couple of months to be upset about my failed relationship because it didn't hurt as much as losing my mum. I concentrated my grief on him. And now I realise what a poor excuse for a boyfriend he was, the pain is resurfacing about my mum. I used him as a way to block the pain. I did the same when my dad died. It's as if I'm not really allowing myself to really accept what's happened. I'm waiting for her to come back. I'm just waiting for her.
My DD is a happy little girl and she talks about her nanny a lot, which is nice.
It's just that so much seems to happen in my day-to-day life and I'm desperate to talk to my mum about it all. And there's not enough conversation in the house. There were three of us chatting for the first six years of my DD's life... and now I feel like I'm not providing my DD with enough chit-chat. This house was full of games and laughter. I've got to get my shit together.

So sorry for your loss. You’re kind of numb and in shock at first. You just have to keep plodding on and dealing with wherever your emotions throw at you. You sound like you’re doing well, even if it doesn’t feel like it.