Widows, Widowers And Everyone Welcome

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all,
As promised a shiny new thread to talk freely without judgement.

@CthulhuInDisguise

My earlier optimism has been shattered. I've been dumped. It feels more of a loss than losing my DH in a way, because I had forgotten how hard ending a relationship whilst both people are still living is. And I adore the new guy. But he is finding it difficult being in a relationship (I'm probably too intense) and he realised it isn't fair on either of us. I mean, it's not exactly fair him dumping me.

Well, you've been brave to put yourself back out there and yes you forget just how brutal dating is these days! All you can do is brush yourself off, take a deep breath and when you are ready start looking again. To cheer you up my highlights included being utterly ghosted by a fellow widow and being offered a threesome by a chubby little yoof who wanted, I quote, "to shag a much older woman"

Hello everyone,

I'd love to join you all. I've been widowed for almost 7 months and have 2 teenage kids, one who started uni this year.

Life has changed so much recently and some days it totally floors me. Other days I feel so much more hopeful and optimistic for the future.

Thank you for starting this thread

@CthulhuInDisguise aw, I can imagine that's very difficult, I think re-experiencing loss is really problematic when you've already lost someone. I haven't got to the starting a proper relationship bit at all, I am skirting round the edges of dating, have been on a few dates, but haven't really launched myself off emotionally. I even wonder if I can...

So, if you do decide to start dating again, we can include that in the thread, because dating as a widow, or as a slightly older woman, is really quite an eye-opener.@Colinthedaxi yes, it's brutal! As well as quite amusing.

@orangesmartie I've been widowed 2 years and I really remember that feeling of up and down- one minute you'd be thinking you'd be ok, and then a few days later, really quite distraught and wondering why you thought it was all liveable. I found it got better for me, or more stable, around 18 months, but I guess like so much of this stuff, it's incredibly personal.

[quote OnwardsAndSideways1]@orangesmartie I've been widowed 2 years and I really remember that feeling of up and down- one minute you'd be thinking you'd be ok, and then a few days later, really quite distraught and wondering why you thought it was all liveable. I found it got better for me, or more stable, around 18 months, but I guess like so much of this stuff, it's incredibly personal.[/quote]
Thank you, it's good to know there are calmer times ahead hopefully

I just wish he hadn't dumped me today. I had one of the best nights of my life with him and had sex, he's only the third person I have had sex with and I told him that. I feel very low and as though maybe I did something wrong. Well I probably did. He's ignoring my texts now. And I can't switch off from torturing myself. If I'm honest I am completely devastated and just want to know if it's because of me being too much, or if he didn't fancy me, or what?

@CthulhuInDisguise that sounds really horrid, not nice at all. I don't know if we as widows are a tiny bit more fragile due to previous losses, or whether everyone would be upset when someone is a bit of a shit. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, except you are not alone in finding dating hard. I think perhaps he didn't realise quite what a big deal it was opening up yourself (sexually, emotionally) to another person after you have lost someone, and he was cavalier with your emotions. Hugs.

My husband died almost a year ago, kids all grown up. Not sure I'm entirely over the shock of it all yet although coping well at least on the outside.
Still dealing with legalise which I feel is never ending!

@moonisblue - it's still very early days for you. In some ways the second year is an odd one as everyone thinks you've got over it having had all the "firsts" (anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc) - it's a bit of a no mans land IMO.

@CthulhuInDisguise I'm so sorry. I shouldn't think it has a lot to do with you as a person tbh.

Can you take a break? Do some loving things for yourself? I had the most ridiculous massage habit in the year after dh died, I went about twice a week! And I did a lot of exercise, I'd signed up for a big walking challenge and went for long walks with friends. I know I was lucky to have money and time for all this - as well as therapy.

[quote PermanentTemporary]@CthulhuInDisguise I'm so sorry. I shouldn't think it has a lot to do with you as a person tbh.

Can you take a break? Do some loving things for yourself? I had the most ridiculous massage habit in the year after dh died, I went about twice a week! And I did a lot of exercise, I'd signed up for a big walking challenge and went for long walks with friends. I know I was lucky to have money and time for all this - as well as therapy.[/quote]
I had a call from him just now, we spoke for over an hour really easily and he explained what happened - it wasn't me or anything I did, although I apparently did tell him I loved him in my sleep , but just that it was going fast and he was freaked out. And I get that, it was going fast and I was a bit scared but I threw myself in thinking it unfair to hold back, whereas he would have preferred that.

He wants to stay friends (who go for cups of tea and to football games occasionally) and see whether if we take things slowly we could end up dating. I'm OK with that. We have promised each other no sex (more me promising him as I am the one with the feelings, and he isn't one to take advantage now he knows he doesn't have feelings). So proper friendship. I think I just went for it hard because he reminded me of my late DH. And I explained that to him.

I'll be fine. I'm not as hurt and confused as I was earlier, we always could talk with no nerves, or awkward pauses, so it helped.

Oh lord. OK.

I think this is going to hurt you. A lot. (More than it already has).

Are you having any kind of therapy? Not because anything is wrong with you but to give you a space that is yours.

No, I did have counselling for a bit but it didn't help. I already feel a bit happier than earlier, knowing it was more pressure than anything else. Everybody knew we were dating from the first date, including DS, for long and complicated reasons, so he felt that there was scrutiny. It didn't bother him until we were apart and he was back at work, and had time to talk to a friend and think it through. He hadn't planned to dump me - he bought me a dressing gown to keep at his yesterday, he told me tonight. He then had a panic attack last night and realised that was the problem, that it was all rushing ahead with everyone knowing and asking questions. I can understand that. I am not sure it will cause me more pain, he's acknowledged that he broke my heart and is truly sorry, but because we have this amazing connection he doesn't want to lose me from his life.

Very best wishes. 💐

It seems like fate that I've discovered this thread the day after I was wishing I could talk with some other people who actually understand what it's like.
DH died of cancer (long decline/treatment) in May 2019. Together 28 years, married for 22. DDs are now 17 and 15.

10 weeks before DH died, when we knew he didn't have long, his only brother suddenly died of a heart attack. So my SIL and I both became members of the widows club together. We've really tried to support each other but she lives in the USA so it's been mainly online.

My lovely MIL was already in a nursing home with dementia when both her sons died. Luckily her memory loss meant that she didn't suffer as much as she otherwise would have done but we still had months of her asking where they were (she'd been at DH's funeral but...) I became her next of kin and tried to look after her as DH would have wanted. She died six months ago so that's another link to DH gone.

I went to lay a Christmas wreath at the grave that is now for FIL, MIL, and where we interred some of DH and BIL's ashes with their mum, and it still feels unreal that ALL of them are gone.

Does anyone else feel like over time the links disappear one by one? So many things in the house have changed since DH was here. I still drive his car but one day I will have to change it. The cat that was "his" cat and was cuddled on the bed when he died is getting elderly. His slippers that I like to wear are falling apart now.

I can't picture remarrying but would like to have physical affection again some time.

Sorry this is so long...

@TheMadGardener I get the severing of the links one by one - though not with the number of losses you've had. Early on I had to get a laptop fixed and dh's login was taken off it and I cried over that so much.

[quote PermanentTemporary]@TheMadGardener I get the severing of the links one by one - though not with the number of losses you've had. Early on I had to get a laptop fixed and dh's login was taken off it and I cried over that so much.[/quote]
I can't even move his shoes from inside the front door. Or take his bottle of pop out of the fridge. His brother died last NYD, and his SIL in the summer, it is difficult to see the passing of the time. Starting a new year is difficult, as it's another year between us. I was distracted with my new boyfriend this NY but now I feel guilty that I didn't feel it as much. And oddly all I want is for DH to be here to help me get over being dumped. Figure that one out.

@TheMadGardener I totally get this, my husband's family was small and others died, and now there's hardly anyone left!

My family helped move his possessions on, I really couldn't do it myself, it would all still be there two years later.

@CthulhuInDisguise glad you have talked with your boyfriend and make some type of sense of it all. Also get that feeling you would love to turn to your DH, even in a kind of inappropriate circumstance. I think the same, my DH has a great bullshit director and was much better at reading people than me and I keep thinking- I need that now I'm trying to date! You can miss people in small ways for so long I think.

I'm so pleased I've found you!
My DH died in 2016 after many years of illness. My two boys were 6 and 10.

Friends disappeared and promises to support my boys were soon forgotten. Family mostly acted like nothing had happened.

Two years later I met a widower and he was the only one who truly understood. We had a long distance relationship, five children between us. Lots of lovely holidays and fun times.

But the Covid times have been tough. I felt alone and isolated. He couldn't move forward with the relationship and didn't want to live together.

So I ended it a few months ago. It was a difficult decision because of all the children involved. But I realised that whilst we had both lost a partner we had different ideas about the future.

Splitting up has made me miss my DH even more. I feel so sad that my children will never have a dad in their lives.

for you @Hellenbach .

I know what you mean about feeling sorry for your children that they are missing out. I was thinking yesterday how much my DDs have changed and grown up since DH died.

@TheMadGardener

for you *@Hellenbach* .

I know what you mean about feeling sorry for your children that they are missing out. I was thinking yesterday how much my DDs have changed and grown up since DH died.

Thank you for the flowers!

I realised that my youngest will soon reach the point where he's lived half his life without his dad. It really worries me that there will be a time where he might not remember him.

I've suddenly become aware I'm approaching the 4th anniversary of dh's death - about 3 weeks away now. It takes me by surprise every time. At least this year I've remembered to take the day off work. I wonder if other people have rituals- i don't, though so far I've always visited the grave.

@PermanentTemporary I don't have a grave or any rituals, if anything I try to have a nice day, or a meal out so we can chat about it all. I think about him and rewatch things that mean something to me. I'm not big into remembering in particular places or graves, again, this is a very personal thing we never did in my family. I think one of my children would like a significant spot, they feel their grief is a bit directionless I think, so everyone is different.

@Hellenbach that must feel really difficult after finding someone else. I often think widows are under much more scrutiny and pressure with everyone watching if you start a relationship after your husband/partner's death. They all want you to have a happy ending, and life isn't always like that.

Coming up to a year for me (suicide) after 30+ yrs together and in the worse state that I've been in so far. Think the shock has finally worn off and I'm left with disbelief and longing for my old life back. I'm in a bad way with crippling physical anxiety, no appetite, (getting really skinny), depression. Hardly any work and can't get another job despite trying. My future feels very bleak. Dread a life alone but fear the emotional turmoil of a relationship (if I can find one!).