Widows, Widowers And Everyone Welcome

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all,
As promised a shiny new thread to talk freely without judgement.

Yes, I understand the void. That's a good description. It's just the presence of your person. I'm finding some folk 'get' that support is long term, others think a couple of initial check ins are enough. I'd like to say that doesn't hurt from some folk who I thought were true friends, but I try to balance that with how folk that I hadn't expected to have stepped up. I'm sorry emptyandsad.

I don't blame people. In general their words come from good intentions, even if they're crass. And they have their own lives to live.

But the loneliness is crushing. The way my enjoyment of life, which was so full, has been sucked out. Things that I loved doing are now just empty. And I don’t know what to do about it. I've tried making myself busy and I've tried sitting on my backside and both leave me unchanged, uninteresting and uninterested.

This post makes me sound as if I'm wallowing in self-pity and I'm really not. I'm observing myself. I'm like a yacht in the ocean, dismasted, rudder broken, maps overboard. I don't know where I am, and if I did it wouldn't make any difference because I don't know how to sail and my boat is completely broken.

A really good friend started a ladies group - at my house! I was a bit bemused and probably still in shock but the sisterhood saved me. It's funny how some people just instinctively know what to say and do.

I posted on this thread towards the beginning and have been reading the more recent posts.

I'm 5 years down the line, and my life has moved forward.

I just wanted to say, that in my experience (and everyone's is different) that time is a massive healer, and you just have to live through this time while you move forward. There is no easy fix or fast forward.

I recognise so much of what is being said in how I felt after DH died, the massive void, the lack of interest in things I'd previously enjoyed, lack of involvement in life (I didn't read again for ages, I just didn't have the concentration) or just feeling I was going through the motions and getting through each day.

And now - I still miss DH, but not with the same all encompassingness as when he first died. It is always there, but other things have expanded to make it a smaller hole.
Sometimes though it just hits me like a wall and utterly floors me.
I once again find enjoyment in things I used to (am reading loads atm) and in new things (I've taken up bridge!).
I'm in a new relationship with a lovely man. He isn't a replacement, we enhance each others lives and enjoy our time together.
Overall, I'm happy again.

@Chasingsquirrels
Thank you for your post. That is what I am hoping for; that the passage of time will deal with it all for me, because I can't do it myself

It's interesting what you say about reading. I haven't managed to read a book since she died and even struggle to watch films (or even tv at all). I do get flashes of pleasure from gardening; although we weren't gardeners, we did put a lot of effort into, and took a lot of pleasure from, creating a garden and I feel close to her when I plant/weed.

I am blessed with stamina and the capacity to endure and that is what I am doing at the moment

May I join please? My fantastic DH died five weeks ago advanced cancer. We had three birth children now grown up and had 4 adopted children living with us. The youngest was 16 and severely disabled and she has had to go into residential care two weeks ago I am totally lost and feel so guilty. My three at home have Down Syndrome and are fantastic but are also grief stricken just needed somewhere to vent Thankyou

@mumof2many1943 I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, sounds like you were a great team caring for everyone, and it's sad for you that things have had to shift (although my experience of my friends moving their children into residential care has been fantastic for the child and a relief for the parent). I hope you can find some solace in being amongst people that really do understand, it is the hardest path.

Yes so sorry mum of2many, I am just 4 months down the line and it’s so hard. The people here understand as this is a loss like no other. Someone on another thread said to try and make each day 1% better and I’m trying to live to this little bit of philosophy.

@mumof2many1943 that must be so very tough. I have no words to help you but send you big hugs. The French say, when they take their leave of someone who is facing something tough, "bon courage" and that is what I wish you.

Thankyou everyone for your lovely messages it means a lot, our eldest I am sure blames me but he won’t talk about it. The “girls” are quite bright (not boasting) and are a great comfort but it is so lonely.

Can I ask you lovely people for advice? In a few weeks, it would have been our Silver Wedding Anniversary. I won't be doing a big family celebration but I would like to do something special to mark the day. Does anyone have any suggestions?

@Willowkins I've been pondering this one, as it's my 30th wed Ann next year and would like to do something too.

Hello notapizzaeater so good to hear from you. 30 years is Pearl isn't it?
Yes it's a tricky one - celebrating the what-might-have-been. Hopefully someone will be along soon with some ideas.

My Pearl anniversary is/would have been 4 September. I can’t think what to do either!

Is there a place you both particularly liked? Somewhere you could go to remember your DH? I suppose it depends on whether that would be painful or comforting.

Do you like gardening? Could you buy a special anniversary rose or tree for the garden?
It’s a tough one for sure.

Thanks. I did think about planting a tree (silver birch?) - the garden is too small but he was a lifetime member of The National Trust. He was also something of a wine buff - so I'm thinking maybe a tour of a vineyard and a wine tasting (but not so alcoholic I can't do the school run).

Bit late to this thread sorry

im just over a year on since dh died,

im only 44, we were together 3 years But knew each other for a lot longer, married in hospital.

i don’t feel I fit in anywhere, with other widows (because we only had a few years together), with friends who are married, work colleague, other mums.

I feel completely and utterly apart from life and other people. I have 4 dc, 2 adult dc who have autism, the 20 year old is very hard work and my youngest dc is 12 and hates me going out anywhere or even seeing anyone because she panics (her bio dads to blame for that one, he’s an utter knob)

I’ve had no support ( was making headway with hospice councellor but she left and cruse was useless)

work are arseholes.

I’ve had days where I feel ok and other days where I miss dh so so much. Today is one of those days.

@blackheartsgirl I don't post on here (although it is a great thread) because I remarried years ago, but I was widowed in my 40s. We'd been together 22 years and I'm telling you now, there is no sliding scale for grief based on how long you'd been together. Anyone who judges your relationship by the length of days/months/years is not worth consideration.

You had every right to look forward to decades of future and you have had that hope taken away. Please know that it does get easier to cope with, though. I tried to keep in mind afterwards what I think he would have wanted for me and I would have wanted for him, had it been the other way round. It is OK to be OK and also OK not to be OK (if that makes sense)

Pulling through and rebuilding is so hard, but you can and will do it

@Willowkins , I am in a similar situation It would have been our silver wedding last month (he died from cancer 3 years ago).

My DDs and I were abroad on the day staying with family. We had a special meal and raised a glass to him. I also found a lovely silver necklace which I bought myself as a silver wedding present.

.

@blackheartsgirl

1 year and 9 months for me. How long you were with your husband isn't the thing here. Your grief is as valid as anyones.

Not only do you have the sorrow of losing him, but you've lost your plans, your hopes your future, maybe your financial security. Dont ever feel imposter syndrome about your sadness.

But hang in there - there's really no alternative

Almost two years for me :(

Went to the movies last night, often went on my own anyway but last night was different. I just felt sad, sad that I'm not sharing it with someone else. Sad I was on my own.
Life really does suck sometimes

I used to love going to the pictures, not just for watching the film together but also for chatting about it afterwards. I always feel really sad that I don't have her to talk to afterwards

I posted a while ago about what I could do to celebrate our Silver Wedding Anniversary and here's what I decided. I've booked a glass of something at a place we both loved; and bought some fancy silver Christmas decorations (he loved Christmas). But this seems like a watershed moment. I think after this, I'm ready to look forward not back.