Widows, Widowers And Everyone Welcome

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all,
As promised a shiny new thread to talk freely without judgement.

We have to learn then believe it is OK to enjoy things again without feeling guilt that our loved one can't that's why it keeps hitting us like a hammer blow that they are gone and will never enjoy or take part in things.

Personally I find I miss my husband more when good things happen than bad as I want them to be able to experience it, but shield them from the horrible things. I also found that I mentally prepare for anniversaries etc so can manage them OK but then just get wiped out by unexpected things and memories.

@Tomanyhandbags

Personally I find I miss my husband more when good things happen than bad as I want them to be able to experience it, but shield them from the horrible things. I also found that I mentally prepare for anniversaries etc so can manage them OK but then just get wiped out by unexpected things and memories.

Me too.

Hello everyone, I'm jumping in and thank for this space. I'm several years widowed with 3 almost adult children. The main thing I wanted to share for those who are newly or a couple of years in widowed is please don't underestimate the time you need to really get to the point of being able to think rationally. I liken it to the warning you get when about to go under general anaesthetic and you're told not to drive/use machinery or make any serious decisions for a couple of days afterwards. For me this applied for about at least 3 years.
My children have been my literal lifer savers and they are my guiding light.

Unfortunately I am both 20 years and almost 4 months into this (widowed twice) and the grief never really goes you just learn to live with it. They recommend that you don't make any major decisions for at least 6 months but found this to be way under estimated. Life does restart again but happens so slowly you don't realise it at the time it's only in hindsight that you realise you have changed.

@Weedoogie

It still surprises me how I can feel ok one day, one minute even, and then the next I am crushed by the loss, the solitude, literally breathless with the grief. And this now 15 months on. Wtf is going on with me?

Today started well. I have been sleeping well this week for the first time since she died. The sun is shining, the coffee machine (her coffee machine) is noisy and produces fantastic coffee. And suddenly as I sit at the kitchen table, looking out onto the garden, my heart seems to stop, my chest tightens, my eyes fill and I am just struck, as if by a hammer on the back of my head, by her absence. What is left of my life, how will I ever enjoy anything again?

This weekend I have had my brother to stay. We went to a concert and the pictures, my first time since the first lockdown, 2 years ago when she was alive. It was good to be out among people again but I missed having her next to me tapping her feet, missed being able to tell her how much I hate Kenneth bloody Bramah. Sometimes it feels as if her absence is bigger then her presence was

@Weedoogie

You post depicts my experience too & is perfectly put. Hopefully time will heal us both.

(How can you hate Ken??) ☺️

@PeaceWithaSpoon

He's got no top lip, the smug bugger, and he's so up himself

Yup, my money is on time being the only cure, but it feels like a long term treatment. And, in the meantime, I'd kill for a hug: a great big, long, wrapped up hug - although it would make me weep

I miss the casual touching that happens throughout the day like the hand on the leg when sat next to each other or the brief hand touch when passing or when they reach across you for something, I didn't even realise how often it happened or how special and intimate it was at the time but you can only share that with your special person.

It's the sitting down and nattering about day to day crap, coronation street, putin, weather, price of carrots that I miss. I get 'the fix' when I'm out with friends but not at night.

Hello! First timer here, thank you for sharing your posts so far, lots has resonated with me. I lost my husband 15 months ago, after almost 2 year battle with terminal brain cancer. I was 45, son 9. We were together for 24 years. We were very much in love still. He is a huge hole to fill. My son seems ok, but very difficult to read, I’m keeping my eye out for any signs, think it will effect him later on. After an understandably shite year and a bit, I feel I’ve turned a corner recently, feeling like I might be able to be happy again and that that is allowed! But it can swing back so suddenly, as you all know. I might go on an ‘exploratory’ date as an experiment- this makes me feel sick, really guilty but a tiny spark of excitement too. It feels far too soon really. I just want to feel something other than sadness or loneliness.

17 months now since my wife died and there are signs that there may be life without her. First, I have bought a new sofa and a new dining table. I've done a bit of gardening (Spring has, I'm sure, played a role in nudging me out of my apathy). I've made plans for the summer that will take me through til the end of September, touch wood.

I think I started to feel that I was unwilling to have her death define me. I'm not sure what I am any more, but I don't want to be her widower. I want, when people ask how I am, not to think every time that they're asking about how I'm coping with her death.

So, I need to find my identity again, or create a new one. Who will I be? Grumpy old git or cheery busy person? Watch this space

Hello everyone, can I join? I was widowed in 2019 and have just started therapy, because I've realised I've not dealt with any of the issues arising from the bereavement. But that was only really stark when I started dating again. I met a lovely man just under 3 months ago and we are having a great time together, but sometimes the grief and feeling of cheating on my late husband overwhelms me.

I had no anxiety when we first got together but I went away on holiday without him and towards the end of the holiday started to worry that if anything happened to him, nobody would know to tell me, because we were so new and don't even live in the same county. He lives about an hours drive away from me. The anxiety is awful and I have been having panic attacks. He has been very reassuring and loving, and has told me he loves me, he won't leave me, all of the things I worry about. But this is separation anxiety. It's come from my husband dying I think. It's so crap. Anyone else had this?

Can I join? I am almost nine weeks in. He first had terminal cancer then had a massive stroke, he died, right here, in this room in the early morning on my son's 30th birthday and on the anniversary if us moving in together. He was so, so disabled by the stroke. He would've hated living like he was but I miss him so, so much. We weren't together long, almost 6 years and I feel that doesn't give me the right to be so bereft but bereft I am. We had so much we wanted to do. It was second time around for both of us and I will never forget how he cried on our wedding day because he was so happy (we got married after his diagnosis). Our fosterling still asks for him every day (as much as a 2 year old can ask). Everyone tells me I am doing so well and I am so 'brave' but I am not. I am doing what you have to do to get through.

@bloodywhitecat

I'm so sorry. Your story is so like mine - and I'm nearly 18 months in. Sending you the biggest hugs.

Grief, the gift that keeps on giving...

Fuck it

AndNoneForGretchenWieners I went through a period like that when I started seeing DP.
I met my 1st H at uni, he left in mid-30s and I'd met late DH I'm late 30s.

I had a very emotionally rocky period coming to terms with allowing myself to get involved with someone else - accepting that by doing so I already knew it would end (because death is the ultimate end) and I'd (and/or he) have to deal with the pain that brings.

In the end I think I came to terms with that, because the alternative is not accepting love into your life and, for me, I'd rather have both than neither.

I would like to join, I lost my DH last July suddenly, left for work one Monday and never came home. We were married nearly 23 years and we have e a 15 yo son who is autistic.
like some pp I feel lost and hopeless, just struggling through day by day.
I have friends in RL and that have no idea how you are feeling

Wow @vickibee, so sudden! I'm so sorry

@Emptyandsad
yes it was such a shock, I spoke to him at 10 am that morning on the phone and by noon he as gone. I called him back and a paramedic answered with the bad news. It is his birthday in June I feel 😞

Can I join? I lost my husband very suddenly nearly four years ago. I’m still very traumatised. I am going through the motions of life really. I can’t feel anything.
I don’t feel I can share with anyone else as they’re sick of my negativity.

So sorry to everyone who is walking this hard road x

I feel the same way. It's only 18 months for me and I still struggle, but I feel that I will only bore people if I drone on about how pointless my life seems without her. I fully accept that this may just be my feelings as opposed to reality. There Re some friends who ask how I'm doing and are prepared to listen to me, but I feel thT there's only so many times i can say how unhappy I am. I bore myself, let alone others.

But it was only about 6 months before I had my first "It's time to move on - she wouldn't want you to be unhappy".

It’s so hard. I joined WAY for a bit but I didn’t feel I could share there. I think time does help, but I don’t know when I will feel normal again. I’ve buried my feelings for so long as a coping mechanism, I’m scared to open up.

I was woken this morning by a vivid dream: my wife and I (who, before we got married, spent a good few years being together and then splitting up and repeating about 3 times) were not together in the dream, being in one of our "off" phases. But for some reason her extended family were having a big lunch and I was there and so was my sister. My sister accidentally started eating her soup with the wrong end of her spoon and my wife saw this and just started laughing, that kind of laughing that you can't stop; and somehow I knew that this meant we were getting back together.

Sorry, thats all a bit jumbled, like dreams often are. I guess that the point is that we had this on again, off again relationship for about 6 years, during which she dumped me 3 times. When she did, it was always for reasons about our circumstances, not about her feelings for me. And I, I always loved her and felt that we should be together and we could get through everything together.

Her ex-husband got sick and she dumped me in order to look after him (which she did until he died) and, more importantly her kids who were early 20s. And I had had enough; my self-esteem was at rock bottom. But after a couple of years she still filled my thoughts and my heart and I got back in touch and she was single and that was that. We had the happiest three years together and, maybe because of our history, I never took a minute for granted. Our lives were filled with joy.

And the dream brought back the whole reality of the relationship - how sad i was (and am) without her; how she filled my life and my heart and made me a bigger and better person; and also how I brought her peace and happiness. And then waking and realising she's still dead has left me shaken

Dreams are so vivid. They make the most ridiculous things seem so real and leave you discombobulated

Hi! Was hoping I could join? I’ve been widowed 5 & a half years now after Hubbie died suddenly in 2016…

Can I join please? It’s 8 weeks today since my DH of 30 years passed away with cancer on my youngest DD’s birthday. Although he’d been Ill for ages the cancer was never diagnosed and it was just 8 weeks of hospice care after hearing it was terminal on 1 February. Got 2 DD’s in their 30’s who have been fantastic. I have also lost my job and am finding it hard to cope with interviews but need a job so have to press on.