Widows, Widowers And Everyone Welcome

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all,
As promised a shiny new thread to talk freely without judgement.

Yes, all different. I wonder if I should make a different place because to be honest I hate going to the grave. I didn't particularly want to bury dh but his parents would have found it impossible to accept cremation. I suppose a memorial stone wouldn't be very different. And I am still in the same house. I'm about 2 metres from where he died now.

I feel tonight as if I want to move but I think I felt the same last year, as if I'm trapped as the anniversary comes towards me and I can't get away from how it will feel. Moving wouldn't change that. And normally I love living here. It's only a couple of times a year now that I 'feel' that traumatic day.

Oh peace, cross post. I'm so sorry, thats very recent. Dh took his own life too. I wonder if you have anyone to talk to, family or a counsellor maybe.

I feel for both of you. I find the lead up to the anniversary really tough.
However much I think I'll be okay I never am.
I never knew what I was supposed to do on the actual day either, whether to point it out to my children. My bereavement counsellor told me it wasn't a day to remember as it was full of sadness. But to celebrate and acknowledge happy days like DH birthday.
That kind of resonated with me so it's what I've done.

That's good advice @Hellenbach - it's the first anniversary next week of DH death and his birthday 2 weeks later.

@SanJunipero
I think you're right, it is traumatic to watch the person you love die. It's hard to move past the awful memories of the end.
Would you consider bereavement counselling?
I'm pleased for you that you've found happiness again.

Well it's here, the last of the firsts.

Can't believe it's a year since I held his hand and urged him to go 😢

A very hard memory notapizzaeater.

I can't believe it either notapizzaeater

14 months to the day since my wife died. It was only 4 weeks from her feeling unwell (stomach upset) to her death from an unspecified amd unsuspected cancer. I'm in my early 60s, we had both retired and made such plans for the future. Every day with her was filled with joy. I know that sounds like an unrealistic cliché, but that's how I felt with her. I just couldn't believe my luck to have found her - and that she loved me back.

And now I feel as if I should be moving on. People ask how I'm doing, but I feel that if I tell them what a struggle life is they will be bored - bloody hell, I'm bored of hearing my own unhappiness. So I say I'm fine but I'm really not. Some weeks I don't talk to anyone - partly through my own choice. I'm going to be on my own forever, because all I want is her back. She made me so much better a person - interesting, self-confident and now I'm empty. I don’t know what I'm for any more

Weedogie I'm really sorry to hear that you are so bereft. 14 months is absolutely no time at all, especially after such a rapid shocking death.

Weedogie, fourteen months is very soon. Got say this, you're lucky people are asking you at all how you're doing, so tell them. This asking doesn't go on for long. Tell them about the fine bits and the less fine.

I lost my DH very suddenly over five years ago, and would give my metaphorical right arm to be asked how I feel.

Six years today for me, no one will mention it but I know my father sends flowers to his parents every year.

Widowed after a 48 year marriage nearly 2 years ago.I have moved to a new area to be closer to family.I am a very active 72 year old.I have joined several groups to restart my social life but am scared of asking anybody out in case I am seen to be predatory.I have been on a couple of holidays alone and while I can fill the days I find the evenings and meal times lonely.I don't want to marry again or live with anybody but company would be nice.

Can I join too?

It will soon be 3 years since my wife died, although I agree with Hellenbach's counsellor and it's not an occasion I want to mark. I don't feel any sadder on that particular day because for me she's gone every day. I don't think anyone else realises that.

Weedoogie I don't think there is any moving on, I think we just carry our sadness with us. I will always be sad because I'm missing out on the life I should have had. Having said that, I've found ways to be happy again, I've done new things, made new friends and built a new life. It's hard though.

I'm interested to hear about experiences of starting new relationships. I don't know how I feel about starting a new relationship but I think if I don't try I won't find out. Like you say Gotanewlife, company would be nice.

@PermanentTemporary @Hellenbach Thank you for you kind words. I've started taking some meds for the anxiety and stayed off the thread till now. Nearly at the anniversary but feeling numbed. Trying to stay in the present to avoid worry but it's so hard. I don't intend to 'mark' the day and have friends coming to keep me busy 🤞🏼 💌

I've had a particularly hard couple of weeks. I feel hollowed out, as if I have nothing left. No energy, no motivation, no interest, because without her, what is the point of anything. This, I guess, is the natural counterpoint to the fact that she imbued every tiny little thing with joy for me. I haven't read a book since she died, can't even do a mindless thing like watch TV.

But this morning, listening to Desert Island Discs (playing Richard Strauss, which you would think was the most depressing music) I felt a little sliver of something; I felt like I had something left to give. Something undefined, and perhaps a fleeting sentiment. People on this thread will know how non-linear grief is, so I may not feel this way in 10 minutes time, let alone 6 months time. But there was definitely a feeling. It was a straw and I, like a drowning man, am clinging to it

Thank you for starting this post would love to join in. It's 20 years since I lost my first husband and 4 months since the 2nd so widowed twice while still in my 50s. Family disowned me when I remarried so completely alone this time and struggling, coped well first time but not this time. Friends mean we'll but busy with own lives and don't know what to say so send poem type words of comfort which mean nothing. Sorry for the moan am usually more positive but a bit low today.

Hey @tomanyhandbags

To have to go through that twice must be very tough. I don't have any advice, other than that you should be kind to yourself. You're allowed to feel low; it's bad enough feeling like shit without giving yourself a hard time over it. When people tell me that perhaps I'm depressed (implying that I should tackle it because it's an illness) I say that I'm not depressed, I am appropriately sad.

100% agree @Weedoogie, we are appropriately sad. I don't like the thinking that if you are not "better" after 6 months then it's suddenly depression.

So unfair that you have to do this twice @Tomanyhandbags. Life is so cruel.

May I join? Old fogey here, I lost my husband to MND in late 2010, I still miss him every day. We looked forward to retirement together and all those dreams were swept away, the only consolation is that his death was very peaceful and he was ready to go. While I'm mostly on an even keel I still get bad days when I feel like I don't want to go on anymore. We'd been married for 30 years.

I've been looking through an old holiday diary where I've mentioned places, camp sites and restaurants which we enjoyed and it's sad that I'll never see those places again. He was my perfect holiday companion as we liked the same things and I don't wish to go alone. I just sit and knit, sew, garden and read. I manage to put one foot in front of the other but life will never be the same.

So sorry Peace it must have been a dreadful shock.

Thank you for your kind words have already decided to allow myself to do what I can do rather than what I should do. Even though as said life can be cruel it was good enough for me to both love and be loved by two special men, not everyone is that lucky, so even though I am currently struggling I don't regret marrying twice. We both knew how quickly life and plans can change and made sure we shared many experiences and made memories which I will always treasure, both were my favourite people to spend time. Just read in a book that being widowed means you have all this love and don't know what to do with it anymore and I find that so true.

It still surprises me how I can feel ok one day, one minute even, and then the next I am crushed by the loss, the solitude, literally breathless with the grief. And this now 15 months on. Wtf is going on with me?

Today started well. I have been sleeping well this week for the first time since she died. The sun is shining, the coffee machine (her coffee machine) is noisy and produces fantastic coffee. And suddenly as I sit at the kitchen table, looking out onto the garden, my heart seems to stop, my chest tightens, my eyes fill and I am just struck, as if by a hammer on the back of my head, by her absence. What is left of my life, how will I ever enjoy anything again?

This weekend I have had my brother to stay. We went to a concert and the pictures, my first time since the first lockdown, 2 years ago when she was alive. It was good to be out among people again but I missed having her next to me tapping her feet, missed being able to tell her how much I hate Kenneth bloody Bramah. Sometimes it feels as if her absence is bigger then her presence was

As I said in my last post I'm moving on.Nearly two years and I know that she would not want me sitting around being miserable.The walking group I joined is very therapeutic,with lots of conversation and interacting with different people.I have done 3 foreign holidays alone and have filled the days ok but meal times and evenings tend to drag.Selling my house and moving to a new city into a one bed flat has been a good move.Tried OLD,which was a waste of time as everybody on there seems to want a serious relationship.Not that I got many replies anyway.I don't want to marry or move in with anybody,just find somebody who wants meals out,cinema,theatre and a social life.There must be people out there who want the same,so I live in hope.