Widows, Widowers And Everyone Welcome

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all,
As promised a shiny new thread to talk freely without judgement.

Sometimes I miss her in particular ways: wanting to talk to her about a film I've seen (or wanting to go and see a film with her); wanting to pour her a drink (!); missing spooning into her when we went to sleep (that's a big one); the list is, obviously, endless.

But other times I feel as if I am cast adrift on the ocean, miles from land, with no map, or sails, or compass: just completely at a loss about how to live, how to be. As if I am unmanned, incapable of dealing with the simplest things, of making even the most trivial decisions. Not that she would have made these decisions for me, just that her absence has stripped me of direction, of agency, of all self-confidence.

18 months now

Been nearly 10 years for me. I still can't think about the last days and weeks of her life. Feel guilty posting as a dad on mumsnet but get comfort from this these threads. Thanks for understanding.

Please don't apologise for posting as a man, WilliamCali, MN despite its for parents banner, welcomes everyone. This wonderful thread in particular is the place for remembering and sharing. I find it immeasurably comforting.

@WilliamCali I echo *echt, you need this space too and should never feel you can't post.

Today I have found out that both my fosterlings are likely to leave me soon too, one will go at the end of July and adopters have come forward for the other one. I am excited for them, they both deserve families but for me it is just so hard. I hope and pray the adopters stay in touch, our little unit went through so much together and this feels like another bereavement for us all.

I relate to this, bloodywhitecat, as my wife died unexpectedly 7 months ago. We were foster carers and the 'fosterlings' had to move straight away, as I had to focus on looking after our own DC. So we went from a 6 to a 3 in the space of a week, huge change but we have been well supported and still see one of the foster children quite a bit.

Hi,
New to posting on Mumsnet but looking for people who understand. DH died 27th March this year after 2.5 years with brain cancer. We have three children DS10, DD7 & DD4. He was awesome. I miss him so much. We were together over 20 years, a fresher’s week couple that made it.

I am having counselling as it was tough living with terminal illness in the pandemic, we kept the kids home schooled, then he went badly down hill and came home to die on 17th Feb. He needed a lot of care. I feel like I need tons of time and space to heal but due to covid (childminder and kids) I’ve not had many child free days. Argh!

Also struggling with the ‘living with covid’ thing after having to be so careful for so long and feel like a ‘tin hat’ loon whenever I talk to people about it.

Anyway, that’s me. I’m the Black Knight because I always look on the bright side/see the positives even when in all reality my arms and legs have been cut off (Monty Python ref!). Hi fellow widows and widowers.

{mention:theblackKnight} that's pretty tough on you, more than pretty tough. So hard when you lose that amazing connection. I have been in a similar situation, with slightly older children though. I don't know how you make time for yourself when you are a single parent with three kids, I have two and I have found it a struggle at times. I used to be more upbeat, but I think being on my own in the pandemic was a difficult one and the children struggled too. It is better now normal life is resuming, to some extent. What I would say is that if you do start to feel less than a little bit upbeat (as we tend to power through), don't be afraid to let people know, I was so used to being like that people thought I was superwoman but of course I'm just an ordinary person who shit happened to, and when I did start to struggle I found it hard to admit as I was used to seeing myself as a 'coper'. Things are much better with the help of GP, therapy and a supportive work environment.

It's earlier days for you, it has taken me quite a long time to even begin to start processing it all, and I've found I was great at the start, but the really hard grieving has come a bit later. We all come to it in our own time and again, society expects us to be saddest at the start and not so sad later, and that's not exactly how it's been for me. I hope that you are managing ok and getting some support, it must be really hard with the smaller ones as well.

Thank you. Yes, early days. I have learned my lesson (somewhat) from burning out when the children were babies. I am lucky enough to be able to take some time off work and the youngest starts school in September so in theory I will have school days for my counselling and healing.
I have been here before from the child's point of view. My step-dad died when I was 14 and we were very close so I have some experience of grief.
Thanks for the messages.

blacknight, no words. But deep, deep, empathy.

My situation, if okay, slightly different. DH had a huge stroke two months ago. So he's here, but he's not, not really. I'm in limbo it feels. I go to the hospital every day and listen to him talk nonsense and lie bed bound, and try to run our business, support our children, deal with all his bloody family telling me he actually would want to live like this.

I come home, answer a million messages, drink a glass of wine and feel numb, or scared, or overwhelmed.

And lonely, the weekends are awful. Despite a network of wonderful support.

Sorry, first time I've said any of this x

@minesalargered Oh goodness. The in-between times are terrible. We were there for 4 months in all with DH slowly deteriorating. He had a brain tumour which caused a bleed on the brain which in turn caused loss of speech and mobility on one side. He then went massively downhill and took 8 weeks to die. It was torture. There was no way he wanted to live like that and he was in terrible pain too. There was almost nothing good in that time. It was a liminal time, between life and death. Only benefit was it meant is was less of a shock when he actually died. I'm so sorry for your situation. Sending strength by the bucketload.

Can I join? Widowed for just over three years and still dealing with the financial fallout (estate etc). He died unexpectedly so it was a big shock.

I'm still so angry in so many ways. Day to day I'm happy and I just get on with things. I have a nice (casual) relationship which gives me some fun. I've noticed though whenever I take leave from work, my mental health totally nose-dives and I end up obsessing and catastrophising about the estate and things that might still pop up (it was traumatic and complicated), and like I said I feel so ANGRY that he left me with all this mess that I just can't seem to leave behind.

@GreyPaw my husband died completely unexpectedly nearly four years ago. Sorry to hear you’re having legal and financial difficulties. As if this life isn’t hard enough.
I understand the anger too. I mainly feel it when the kids are having problems. It’s just so HARD dealing with them on my own. They’re great kids really, but I miss us as a partnership. There’s no one else to pick up the slack, it all falls to me.

@minesalargered so sorry.
To be in limbo and lose your partner but he’s still physically here.
I can only imagine the comments from family who just don’t get it.

@minesalargered My DH had a massive stroke too that robbed him of his speech and left him bedbound, the stroke was just awful. It robbed him (and us) of so much, it also meant his chemo had to stop which, in turn, meant the cancer properly got hold and killed him. I understand a bit of what you are going through.

It was DH's birthday this week, the first one without him. I miss him so much.

@bloodywhitecat so sorry. These milestones just keep coming and are so difficult.
Your poor DH.
I hope this isn’t an inappropriate thing to say, but I find the language around end of life very unhelpful. So many people telling you to make the most of the time you have left / but there’s just no quality of life and bucket lists etc are out of the question. I remember when my dad was dying and the final few weeks were just one medical crisis after another. I longed for the end and by the time it did come I was emotionally exhausted.
I am so sorry for everyone following this path.

Thank you for your kind messages. It's amazing to talk where people really get it.

Yes, milestones, we've had DD's 21st and, more painfully, her graduation. Bitter sweet, a celebration and a reality check. I get it. Or I'm starting to.

I understand the emotional exhaustion too. I'm mainly numb.

whitecat - I'm deeply sorry. To have cancer touch you and then be dealt that awful blow. The birthday must have been the worst day. You'd think all the first important dates would be the worst, but I'm not sure that would be the case.

candlebra - I'm so sorry for you. Yes, it's the partnership aspect that hurts deeply. I miss my soul mate. I miss sitting and drinking a good glass of red on a Saturday red over a meal. I miss just having a bloody laugh with him. I miss being pissed off with him too in truth.. just being normal.

We are no further forward really, mentally or physically but, in lucid moments, he's mortified he's so compromised and and deeply sad.

Coming to join if that’s ok? Another brain tumour widow since June.

Like {mention:theblackKnight} we had 2.5 years of it, all through lockdown/Covid, and now I just feel absolutely exhausted and devastated in equal measure.

@BloodyMabel this is not a fun club to be part of, is it?! But it helps to hear other people's experience so much.

@minesalargered how incredibly difficult for you, yes, I think them knowing how compromised they are is definitely an awful thing, although in my husband's case he was quite oblivious a lot of the time to the chaos and difficulties he was causing as he lacked insight, difficult in a different way. How hard for you to be in this limbo land.

@Candleabra absolutely, phrases like #makingmemories should be banned! Why on earth would you want to remember your partner so compromised and at their lowest ebb in life or immortalise that in photos? Very hard, I didn't post any photos from about 6 months out, people saw him in real life or not at all. Just so hard.

Hugs to us all.

@FarFarFarAndAway No, it’s the worst because no one outside of this experience seem able to understand what it’s like. Honestly, some of the things people have said to me are shocking but I guess it’s hard to know what to say.

It’s so true what you said about how society expects you to be saddest at the start. I found it got much harder after the funeral when everyone goes back to their lives.

And so true what you said @Candleabra all these ‘bucket lists’ are only possible if the persons relatively well. By the time we found out he was never going to get better my husband was bed bound and barely able to communicate. I would have loved to do something nice for him one last time but there really wasn’t anything.

@BloodyMabel I could write a book on the insensitive things people have said over the years. Thoughtless and/or judgemental. Any sentence startling with “if it was me….” I learnt to ignore. I can ignore/roll my eyes now nearly 4 years in but I took it all so personally at first.

And yy to being smothered at first but left to crack on after the funeral. I remember meeting a friend for a coffee and made a real effort to try and put a brave face on. Then she said, I don’t know how you can be ok with this. If it was me I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t know how I’d carry on without my husband. Talk about a kick in the teeth! I didn’t see her again after that.

@Candleabra Yes! The people comparing themselves then basically making it obvious they’re relieved not to be you! I mean, it’s good they’re thankful but this isn’t some poor person in a news story you don’t know, this is the person you’re talking to! I’m glad you ditched that friend.

Also the people that want to know how you ‘really’ feel then the second you say something negative they start asking about you having counselling. Why prise it out of you just to bring that up? I think some people use us to feel better about themselves.

Oh yes! The “how are you” (head tilt)… but then wanting to talk about how sad they are.
Early on, I read an online article about bereavement, and “top tips “. One was : find yourself a counsellor, your friends are sick of your tears. Wow I thought, harsh… but the sentiment is true. And leaves you with no invitations to go anywhere.
I just say I’m fine if anyone asks.

A year and 9 months since my wife died. I still weep at odd times for no apparent reason. Nobody asks how I am any more and if I mention her (even in a positive way, like "oh I came here with my wife" it brings about an awkward atmosphere. So I feel more alone than ever. But it's not a loneliness that can be solved by people; it's a void that is just her shape and no-one else's. There are so many things, ordinary things, which we used to take joy in, but I find no pleasure anymore

I remember being told to make the most of our last Christmas and to 'make memories'. Yes, my memories are of an unhappy day where DH was bedbound, being ravished by the cancer, not wanting to eat and not really getting to grips with what was going on around him. I don't think I will ever tell anyone to 'make memories', not ever.

"I'm fine thanks" is my stock answer too. People expect me to be getting over it but the truth is it's only just starting.

I know it is no consolation @Emptyandsad but you are not alone in feeling like you do