Stillborn at 40+3

[Onedaydreaming]

We lost our beautiful baby girl last week, sadly she was born sleeping.

I’ve been through an array of emotions since and just wondering if it ever gets easier.

I feel guilty if she doesn’t consume my thoughts every moment and watching tv or doing something to distract myself - I’m left with such a feeling of guilt.

I know it’s very early days and grieving is a process but this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I’m still at the point where I don’t want to talk about it to anyone irl, although plenty of support is being offered by family and friends. It’s too heart wrenching to go through. My DH is helping but I feel he is grieving differently to me and tries to occupy his days so he can distract himself. All I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

So very sorry
Sending you love

You gave your daughter a beautiful name.

Ava is a beautiful name. I wish I had something more profound to say than I'm so sorry for you and your family. Please be kind to yourself. There's no right or wrongs to grief. If watching TV helps to pass the hours then so be it. You won't be doing Ava a disservice by not thinking of her every second, I promise you that. x

I'm so very sorry. Sending you love. Do what you need to do and feel what you need to feel. You are not to feel guilty about trying to distract yourself. Massive hug to you, look after yourself and be gentle with yourself

I’m so sorry to hear about your beautiful girl 💜
I’m almost 5 years on, my daughter was born in jan 2017. The first months are crushing but it does get easier to live with the grief. I remember the first day I didn’t cry and documented a lot of what I was feeling, I found that helped.
My husband and I talk about her, we have photos of her upstairs and our friends and family love her. They obviously don’t mention her much unless we do but they all know her birthday.
She now has a little brother and we talk about her to him as well. He was a big part of our recovery.
I’m sending you so much love. Please feel whatever you need to feel- there are no right or wrong feelings and each day will be different. When you feel happy for any reason embrace it, hang onto those happy moments. They’ll soon grow into happy hours/happy days.
She will always be your beautiful baby, nothing can take that away
Xx

@onedaydreaming I'm so so sorry your daughter died. What was her name?

I am nearly 10 years on from where you are but your words resonated with like it was yesterday.

In some ways it does get easier - you learn to live in a world where your baby isn't, even though you may think it's impossible or that you don't want to. I certainly felt that way.

I too would feel guilt if I thought of anything else or was distracted, rather than thinking of my son. It is normal to feel that guilt, but you do not deserve to feel guilty. Our brains can only cope with so much trauma at one time, it needs a break and it's important to allow yourself that.

Be kind to yourself. Do whatever feels peaceful to you. People grieve in different ways and that can be different to deal with but you must allow yourself to feel how you feel.

It's ok to laugh. I found I was either numb, in despair or on the odd occasion nearly pudding myself with laughter at something. It was as though I could only feel extreme emotions or nothing.

Take time to honour your daughter. You were her world, her universe. She only knew you, and you knew her in such a special way, that only a mother can. You are her mother.

I'm sorry for the essay, and I hope it doesn't come across as do this, or do that. I hope have great support and in time find peace. Counselling helped me enormously.

Sending much love and hugs to you and your beautiful daughter

Would it help for you to talk about dd on here to us? What was her name? [Flowers]

Sending much love to you and Ava

I am so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful Ava will always be in your heart, you're her mummy and always will be.

@onedaydreaming, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful daughter. I know it likely seems impossible now but it does get easier over time. It's such early days right now, a minute or hour at a time. Grief is exhausting and unpredictable.

The loss of my daughter was and is the hardest thing I have ever experienced but I don't feel that raw pain any more (well, only occasionally). I will always be sad in a way I was not before but it does not feel like those early dark days

Someone told me that the grief does not change or lessen, the world around you gradually begins to open up instead over time. That makes sense to me now. It didn't at the time.

I am sending so much love to you and thinking of your beautiful daughter.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
You must be in shock still.
Whatever you feel is OK.
I haven't been through this awful experience but just on grief in general....
If your brain needs little distractions and breaks from thinking about her that's OK. It's how brains process. Bit by bit. It can be too overwhelming to be in it all the time. You won't forget her. Im sure it's hard to turn off the guilt.

Likewise there'll be times you can't think of anything else. Trust your heart and brain to process this awful thing you are going through.

Do what you need to.
I'm so so sorry again xxx

Oh gosh, just saw your other post, my daughter is Ava too. I take comfort in bird things as Ava means bird doesn't it. It's a beautiful name.

So sorry you are having to go through this OP.

Thinking about you and Ava

OP so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful name Ava

I’m so sorry for your loss of Ava, it is such a hard loss as no one other than you really knew your baby. I lost my DS at 38 weeks.
I joined SANDS and that helped me feel like I wasn’t so alone, I hadn’t really heard about stillbirth before. I also felt like I was in a fog and everyone else was getting on with life and I struggled to join in. I kept a diary, I wrote to my baby and I wrote my thoughts down. My DH had to go back to work fairly quickly, so he definitely moved on quicker than me. I think that is normal.
The pain really does ease over time, little things will hurt but eventually you begin to heal. Just be gentle with yourself and don’t expect to heal overnight.
I am so sorry for your loss. X

I’m so sorry for your loss. grieve as you need. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through, but I know how much it hurts to lose someone so close when it wasn’t supposed to happen. 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss. grieve as you need. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through, but I know how much it hurts to lose someone so close when it wasn’t supposed to happen. 💐

I’m so very sorry for your loss OP, sometimes life is so very cruel, I just don’t understand why it has to be.

Ava is a beautiful name… she will forever be a part of you 💕💕

Ava is a really lovely name.

Am so sorry…cannot imagine how you are feeling…I have absolutely no words of wisdom 💐💕💐

The last couple of days have been really tough - we had to register her death and start to plan the funeral arrangements.

I can’t help but think that people are moving on - which is probably unfair for me to say. It hurts to think this and I know, it probably isn’t true. Just feels people are getting on with their lives and I feel stuck in limbo.

I feel I have nothing to live for - no plans to look forward to, as all of our plans were made for the 3 of us. I don’t know how I’m going to get through Christmas, and my birthday which is next week. I couldn’t care less about either of them.

We have received a letter to say HSIB are going to investigate, can I ask if anyone has any experience with these ? I’m really desperate to know what went wrong but also terrified to find out the truth. What if I did something wrong?

On the day before I gave birth, we had a check up at 2pm and the midwife said she had such a strong heartbeat. I don’t know how, only 8 hours later, she was dead. It’s something I can’t stop going over in my head, so maybe finding out what really happened may bring me some relief.

I am so sorry, Ava is a beautiful name.
Sending love

I am so very sorry and just wanted to say that lots of hugs are being sent to you and your family. There is no wrong or right way to grieve the loss of your baby. I can totally relate. The grieving process is not a straight line with a clear time frame and it is different for everyone. Do what you feel is right for you, is right for your husband and right for you both together. Accept support if and when you feel you want it and need it. Talk about her when you're ready. Wanting to sleep is completely normal, it's your body's way of trying to cope and heal itself. In the early days all I could do was think about getting through the next few hours at a time. My guilt was overwhelming too but it will subside. In time, you will learn how to manage the grief, it's not something one 'gets over'. I found it more helpful for others to just be with me and let me be sad rather than trying to make it better.

@Onedaydreaming just wanted to say I have been through the HSIB investigation process - different situation as my daughter lived but suffered a brain injury. I found it a positive process, they were sensitive and it was centred around mine and DP's concerns. I did find it hard to read the final report as what had truthfully happened was totally different to what we thought and what we were told by the medics at the time, but that might be specific to our case.

It was lengthy though and we didn't get the report for over a year after her birth. I'm sure from what you posted you didn't do anything wrong. DM me if you want to discuss any more.

I'm so sorry about your daughter it's hurrendous
I was we're you are Aug 2020, I lost my mum and then my baby girl in the same year. I think your prob still in shock, I was for a few months, the pain is unthinkable, I felt like my chest was going to physicaly explode, a lost patches of hair which I thought was totally ridiculous like things weren't bad enough.

I had a 2 year old at home so was screaming into pillows so he wudnt hear. I'm 16months on, I've even had a little baby since as I luckily fell pregnant 10 weeks after just to survive really.
I am still very heartbroken, the thought of her makes me lose my breath and the pain that this actually happened, I somehow get through the days, everything seems ruined tho. I'm sorry to say, it's just all rubbish, nothing can make it right. I feel very incomplete and constantly like somthing is missing.

I have met 2 girls in the same situation and they were better than the counselling I had, so reach out on the sands website tho avoid the Facebook page it's full of babies that have died it's awful if your not expecting it, and the hospital bereavement midwife put me in touch with somone who had been in the same situation 2 years earlier she save my life proberly.

Lots of people will probably ignore you or wait till they feel its "safer" to see you, and then some people your not that close too will come through and be your rock the person you text at 2 am.
Get a puzzle, there is only so much TV u can watch I cudnt sleep for months so I just sat doing puzzles to do somthing that wasn't doing anything. And I had to try all that mindfulness stuff just to be able breathe.
I'm so so sorry love, just be kind to your self, and do what you need. My husband just throws himself into work, it gets really lonely, I hope you have people around you.