Stillborn at 40+3

[Onedaydreaming]

We lost our beautiful baby girl last week, sadly she was born sleeping.

I’ve been through an array of emotions since and just wondering if it ever gets easier.

I feel guilty if she doesn’t consume my thoughts every moment and watching tv or doing something to distract myself - I’m left with such a feeling of guilt.

I know it’s very early days and grieving is a process but this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I’m still at the point where I don’t want to talk about it to anyone irl, although plenty of support is being offered by family and friends. It’s too heart wrenching to go through. My DH is helping but I feel he is grieving differently to me and tries to occupy his days so he can distract himself. All I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

I’m sending thoughts of peace. My heart is with you

Oh OP I'm so so so sorry this has happened to you. Life is cruel and unfair.

We lost our son late in pregnancy. Just thinking of him now, for any longer than a minute, I still cry. It's been 5 years. He will have my heart forever. I remember the grief was all encompassing. Why me? Why THE FUCK ME? I was totally robbed of my first pregnancy and first born experience. I was so angry, bitter, sad, and heartbroken, for a very very long time.

Time is a great healer, but for now, just let yourself grieve.

Will you be getting an autopsy done on her?

I am overwhelmed with the love and kindness of everyone, thank you.

I’m so sorry to hear the stories of others who have had to go through this immeasurable loss too. Thank you for sharing your stories - it’s comforting to know that one day, in the very far distance, that my grief will diminish and I’ll hopefully be able to find happiness again. At this moment in time, it seems almost impossible that this day will ever come, but I know it will.

I feel so angry at the world - especially as it’s Christmas time. Everyone is so jovial and are going about their day and I’m sat here inside, thinking how can they continue with such trivial rubbish - I feel like I want to scream at them.

The thing that makes this harder for me is sadly I lost my nan 2 months ago. My family have been grieving her loss and not looking forward to Christmas because it would never be the same without her. Our little girl was meant to be a ray of light in this very dark period. Although, I find comfort to think they are together and my Nan would be looking after her, like she looked after me.

@Notbluepeter thank you for your words, they really resonated with me. This is exactly how grief feels.

We named our daughter Ava. It feels nice to write this as it’s almost too hard to say her name out loud.

Beautiful baby Ava 💜 Now with her Nan.

My DH and I say similar, our son is with DHs parents in the sky. His parents are changing his nappy, and giving him a bath, and teaching him how to ride a bike, and will be taking him to his first day of school.

It gives us a lot of comfort.

I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your daughter OP. Ava - what an absolutely beautiful name. Also for the loss of your Nan earlier this year. Christmastime is so very hard - the feeling that everyone else is having a perfect, merry time magnifies and deepens sorrow when you are grieving and I really feel for you
Please know that I am thinking of you and your family - you are being incredibly strong to acknowledge that things will improve even though you can't imagine they will... I promise you that they will and that you will not forget your precious girl.

I am so very very sorry.

What a beautiful name 💕 Ava. I'm so so sorry for your loss 💐 so incredibly heartbreaking.

What a beautiful name 💕 Ava. I'm so so sorry for your loss 💐 so incredibly heartbreaking.

Sending you so much love. I wish I had more useful words to add

@Onedaydreaming... I am so very sorry for the loss of Ava.
My eldest son Jack was born just before Christmas many years ago... I understand how you are feeling...
I'm sure others have suggested you contact Sands... I also support a charity called Aching Arms which gives out teddy bears to Bereaved parents donated by other Bereaved parents with messages on them...
Sending you much love and strength ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

That should have said was born prematurely just before Christmas and he only lived for two hours... 😔 😔

Ava is such a beautiful name. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I don't have any great words of wisdom but grief is hard and the loss of a child so terrible. Be kind to yourself. Just take every bit of every day at a time and don't put any pressure on yourself to do certain things.

So sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking post to read.

Grief can be so overwhelming, and losing Ava the way you did is almost impossible to bear. I lost a sister suddenly a few years back, and initially I was so shocked at how everyone seemed to be getting on with their lives - people who didn’t know me, people in the street, complete strangers. I would go between such anger and rage, then as you e found, just wanting to sleep for the pain to go away. Your husband most likely feels just the same. There’s no one way to deal with your pain - do what’s right for you. I wish you both peace and eventual happiness xx

I'm so sorry for your loss of beautiful Ava and your Nan ❤️

I'm so sorry OP. Ava is a very beautiful name. Wishing you strength.

So sorry and sending love ❤️

A beautiful name for a beautiful baby girl. I'm unbelievably sorry for you and your husband. I hope you can find some comfort in the darkness knowing that your lovely nan is now with her and will be looking after her.
I wish so much I could help in some way but know we are all here with you and sending you so much support and love.

@changing221 your post made me cry, how beautiful. Bless you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I have no words of wisdom, just sending you lots of love and strength. How can life be so unfair, it's just beyond me.

I'll be thinking of you and little baby Ava. Please take care of yourself xx

I am so sorry, what a horrendous thing to experience. Don’t feel you need to do anything you don’t want to, you need the time you need x love and hugs x

I am so so sorry for your loss my lovely xxxx

So sorry for your loss OP. Xxx

I will light a candle for your beautiful Ava and your nan. I am so sorry for this dreadful loss. Heartbroken for you 💔

I am so sorry for your heartbreak xx