For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@Chotuladoo I say go for it, it will be ok all we can do is look after ourselves , eat well, don't smoke, take drugs, drink excessively go for any smear tests etc I've started checking my breasts too the rest is just life's lottery sadly. I had an emergency caesarean so sadly not straight forward but not traumatic. Nervous about the risk of scar rupture this time although it is only 1% I just hope I'm not that 1 becayse it can be fatal x

Oh @frostyfingers that sounds hard, I can't understand how that can be, it sounds so tough that you can't dress her or see her again, how are you dealing with that, are you allowed to give her a keepsake?

Some pp have said some lovely things about what they have placed with their mum/dad.

@mrssunshinexxx of course it's not silly, lovely, I felt the same when my dad was in the chapel of rest, I wanted to stay for the whole time he was there just so that he wasn't on his own. Obviously covid regs meant that couldn't happen.

@mrssunshinexxx sorry cross post I was replying to a previous post,about the casket. yes it's true, (my rupture risk is 4-9% due to a T shaped incision). Not intending to derail thread... sorry. Your right though all we can do is do the best we can - I believe and hope my dad will be looking out for me somehow. All the best for your delivery when the time comes xx

@frostyfingers

I can relate to your situation my mum was also in a care home for the last 10 years of her life. She died at 66 years old that was 6 months ago. You said your mum passed away 11 days ago my goodness you are in such early stages of your loss. I can't imagine people thinking for one second that you've moved on. My mum dominated my conversations for months but am talking less about mum now am not sure why I think it is because I need to try to think of other things too in order to keep my sanity but actually when I do speak of my mum I don't feel like people think anything bad about it.

For you please keep talking about your mum. Sometimes people avoid discussing the person for fear of causing upset but you need to talk about what has happened as it's a huge thing to loose your mum.

There were failings in my mum's care too. Mum caught Covid last year but came through it. This time around it was a serious leg infection that resulted in mum dying. I still can't believe that she's gone but I've taken action against the care home. I got the care inspector involved my complaints have all been upheld by them very mixed feelings about that result and am now seeking legal advice too.

Like you I fought for my mum over the last 10 years when she became very unwell psychologically and could no longer cope living independently in the community. Mum was in touch every single day more than once. She was ingrained into every single part of my life more than I realised until she was gone.

I feel for you it's not only about loosing the person who brought you into the world but also the person who depended on you. You loose a purpose in life an important role. I have a sister and although mum and my sis were in contact I was mum's NOK, mum's confidante, mum's everything really as she used to say that to me often. I feel guilty as I felt overwhelmed being her everything how terrible is that and sometimes I'd get cross with her as she used to call and text me a lot but I miss that so much. I miss her her so much.

What helped me a lot in the early weeks as I have said to many people on this chat was the Cruse Bereavement helpline they were fantastic. They also offer early intervention counselling sessions. I was literally in bits when my mum died I lost over a stone could barley eat and was crying so much the sessions helped a little gave me an opportunity to just talk about mum without feeling guilty.

Look after yourself this is a very tough time you are going through especially the early weeks. I remember it all very well the crippling grief. Talking about your mum will help you a lot.

So sorry frostyfingers that you can't see your lovely mum. I saw my mum's body after she died as I wasn't allowed in before. But I decided against the Chapel of rest as she has been so long now after the post mortem. Hard to know what's best. But I put some photos in with her.

I sent an email today to pals. Not dissecting everything that I felt was poor about her care, but one moment in particular (2 days before she died she was transported to another hospital and spent the day in A&E with no water and no care). And then I thought-why am I doing this? What is it for? What do I expect them to say? Just seems pointless.

@Kitkatchunkyplease sometimes PALS can help bring some kind of closure...maybe .. In the sense you might be getting the hospital to make changes so someone else doesn't go through this too?

I really wanted to go down the pals route bc I really believe my dad would be here if his care was different but I just can't do it bc I'm not strong enough.

It would be good to think that maybe someone else's loved one will still be with them thanks to your raising some issues via pals. I so desperately don't want any other person losing a parent too soon.

I think in all honesty my mum just had negligent care for a fortnight and when they finally realised how ill she was, it was too late. But she would be dead either way. Shit.
Sorry about your dad. Its crap.

You are all so kind, thank you. My sister and I have decided that we will go to the church the day after her funeral with our dogs and just have a chat and reminisce - Mum loved dogs, and had them all her life. I took on her old dog but we had to have her put to sleep a couple of years ago - the tragedy is that she didn’t remember her. But I think it will help to have a bit of time with just us so that we can lay her to rest in our minds, away from the trauma of the service.

I feel comfortable with the service we’ve put together, I’m absolutely dreading it though as it feels like it’ll be the “end”. I’ve dug out lots of photos and we’re having a table of them so we can remember the person she was before she was ill as well more recent ones. There were a lot of people who didn’t visit her as she declined and I bet they’ll all pop up at the funeral which I think I might find tricky.

I’m thinking about writing to the care home who were only testing twice weekly which although is in line with guidance is hardly diligent when you’re dealing with such vulnerable people. I’m not expecting much but it would be good if they could review their policies to save another family this agony.

Whoever brought it in, and it had to be a member of staff, passed it on to four residents, I have no idea if anyone else has died. I don’t blame the individual, just the management. OTOH I may not bother because I’m not sure I can face the hassle.

It sounds like there have been some terrible experiences and I guess it happens all the time, but until it directly affects you it’s hard to imagine some of it.

I’m rationing my sleeping tablets but I do look forward to a decent night’s sleep, unbroken and without the nightmares!

@Kitkatchunkyplease you are doing it becayse it's all you can do for her now to try and make them see how wrong and negligent it was and it might stop it from happening again.
I remember my husband calling the hosptial for an update the one night mum was there fighting for her life they are down brain scans to decide if they would operate and they just said the bleed was too big they couldn't risk it. And we just accepted it WHY we didn't beg them to try I'll never know . They said she would never of been the same again but I don't care I would of nursed her and looked after her forever

@Chotuladoo oh how come you had that incision ? Mine is just the usual bikini line horizontal? I think my risk might be slightly higher as the gap is quite small i so hope it all goes well I want a smoother ride this time. It's funny but I have 2 older sisters who have had all boys and I have a daughter and this baby is a girl and my mum had 3 girls and my mum had a section first then 2 vbacs so I think I might be following in her footsteps. Im trying to decide whether to take a photo of her into labour to look at when I'm feeling I can't carry on but TBH not sure that would help x

@mrssunshinexxx I'm so sorry hearing about your mum's care, and how different things might have been. The hospital only gave us a breakdown of his care (lack of care?! ) after he'd passed, there are SO many questions I'll always have, I guess. (Why wasn't he monitored, why wasn't he on a cardiac unit, why wasn't he on oxygen)....I'm a nurse and it's so painful. I got the call after he was gone already. Just like that. Too late.

I would take a little keepsake for your hospital bag, maybe, then you have the option there, of your lovely mum getting you through the end of labour. Lots of mums I've met have vbac-ed (one mum I know had 3 more by vbac). You can do it! My T scar is a long story, they tried forceps etc but baby was stuck and we both had a tough old time. Maybe my dad will look after me from whereever he is if we do have another...I'm sure your mum would be incredibly proud of you with your little one and the baby on the way.

@frostyfingers I'm sorry the preparing for the service can be tough, and how it might feel seeing others that didn't visit your mum during the recent years. How did you sleep last night?

The service can feel like an end itself, too overwhelming in some ways, but that day after you have planned with your sister and the dogs sounds like it might be perhaps healing and peaceful....a time to say whatever it is you want to say to your dear mum.

Sorry if you're new to this thread and again sorry for stepping on and off.
I'm finding everything so hard. I love and miss my mum so much.
She loved my children so madly and my DS starts school tomorrow. I feel broken thinking of her not being there for that, not seeing a photo etc.
This is breaking me.

@kittlesticks

Sorry if you're new to this thread and again sorry for stepping on and off. I'm finding everything so hard. I love and miss my mum so much. She loved my children so madly and my DS starts school tomorrow. I feel broken thinking of her not being there for that, not seeing a photo etc. This is breaking me.

It's hard isn't it to think of all the 'what should have beens'. My dd has her first ballet class on Saturday and I so wanted my mum to be there. I want to tell her everything to do with my little girl and now I have no one to tell that loves her that much (I do tell my dad, but it's not the same. Wish it was mum too.)

Sending love for your ds on his first day.

Thank you @Chotuladoo I'm
Trying to tell myself the risk of rupture is so low and I'll be continuously monitored . I will take a photo I think ❤️

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.

~ Thomas Campbell, 'Hallowed Ground'

I just found this, quote above, perhaps it might be of help to some one here

Just a quick one as I am away at the moment with my OH and I don’t want him to see me on here (as mentioned previously, he’s not been the most supportive).

A post above about people acknowledging the bereavement the first time they see the person but then assuming everything would be back to normal the next time they saw them really resonated with me. I’ve had that a lot with people. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of that myself too in the past.

I don’t know why but I feel like it’s important that people acknowledge the pain that I have experienced of watching my dad die (in a distressing way). Some of my friends haven’t at all and it means I don’t want to be around them yet - or ever, potentially (which makes me feel childish but I can’t help it).

Something someone else said also resonated, about crying and their partner asking them why they are crying. I’ve had that a lot too and another friend has had the same with her partner. He’s been clueless!

I’ve decided to book myself in for some counselling next week as I’m struggling with my partner’s unkindness and with the complete lack of support I’ve had from a few friends. I’m away with my partner and some friends at the moment. The other couples are behaving as normal couples do - holding hands etc. We are not doing any of that because I have felt so let down by my OH that I don’t want him near me.

I’m so sorry for everyone who has lost someone recently or who is still struggling a few months/a few years in. It feels like we’re in a club that we didn’t want to be a part of and only those in the club know what it feels like to be in it. Wouldn’t it be nice to not be in it or to be able to opt out?

YES to your point about friends. I have a very close friend who has not, at any point, said anything about being sorry my mum is dead, or asked anything, or sympathised with the situation regarding not seeing her. Nothing. And unfortunately I never want to see her again 😅😅

Hello everyone. Glad I have found this forum. I lost my Dad 2 days ago to motor neurone disease. I am heartbroken beyond belief. I can't eat or sleep. I haven't really slept since Thursday night. I know it is early days. Much love 🤗🤗

@Cathced

Hello everyone. Glad I have found this forum. I lost my Dad 2 days ago to motor neurone disease. I am heartbroken beyond belief. I can't eat or sleep. I haven't really slept since Thursday night. I know it is early days. Much love 🤗🤗

I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad to Huntington's disease 3 weeks ago - it's degenerative in a similar way to MND, so I absolutely feel your pain. It's a terrible thing to witness x

So sorry for your loss 💕 sending big hugs 🤗🤗

@Cathced I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad, there's some lovely posters on this thread, and hopefully the thread might bring a little light for you in the dark times x

So so sorry you've lost your dad to that cruel disease. I've found this thread so useful over the past 3 weeks. It is early days, go easy on yourself.

That's tough @Kitkatchunkyplease she obviously'doesn't want to upset you' by bringing her up but this is the thing people don't understand we are literally NEVER not thinking about them' she would be better saying I feel really nervous I don't know what to say I'm worried I will say the wrong thing etc not just nothing