For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

Hi @Crunchymum I posted a few days ago, but previous name (mid30smidlifecrisis) I just wanted to offer a hand hold my dad's first anniversary is 22nd of this month. At the time he passed I was playing in the sunshine with my toddler, I had no idea and found out via a call from my brother. Life changed in a split second.

My dp still has both folks and I've been told to "stop moping" and "cheer up" by dp and other relatives . (Although I really am doing my best to keep on going! Everyone is fed, the clothes are clean, etc etc)

I kind of feel like sometimes it's hard for others to understand until it happens, it's like you move on to another phase of life- like becoming a parent is a transition, the loss of a parent feels like another massive step in life.

How are you feeling @Chotuladoo about the upcoming anniversary?

I'm not doing so well as it approaches. I feel like I'm being dragged against my will through certain things at the moment. I want to have a toddler tantrum and stamp my feet and scream "I don't want it to be a year since she died"

So many crap things we've had to face in this first year - birthdays, that first Christmas, mother's day, and all the other life events that mum has now missed.

I'll get through it. Nothing will ever be worse than the 21st September (well I hope to God nothing will ever be worse!!)

I think looking at it as a transition / life phase is a good way to think about it. It is, afterall, the natural cycle of life. I just never imagined I'd lose my mum so early and so suddenly and I never knew her not being here would cause me such emotional pain.

Sorry I've lost touch with the thread a bit. Took the kids away this weekend. I'm still struggling so much with everything seeming surreal. It's been nearly 3 months. I have moments where I think I can't cope, or I suddenly feel as if i might be dying myself - then I tend to recover a bit - it's as if my brain knows I can't sustain that awful feeling too long.
I miss her. I wonder also if it's normal to imagine lengthily final conversations with the person who has died. Im doing that almost every night as I try to get to sleep. Loooong chats with mum. Is that ok? Normal?

@kittlesticks I wrote dad a letter, randomly, lots of things I never got to say. I didn't keep it, it just kind of happened. I still "talk" to him. Welling up a bit just thinking about this! Sounds normal to me, lovely, 3 months in is so, so early days. I'm a year on and it's more manageable, but be patient with yourself, it still doesn't feel real to me yet even after this long.

@Crunchymum same. All those firsts in the first year, so hard, the birthdays (theirs, yours) father's/mother's days, and this first anniversary.

My brother doesn't want to mark it and has taken an extra shift to keep busy- I understand that, but it's not my approach, personally. I can't hide from it, even though it's tempting to try.

Are you planning on remembering your mum on the day somehow, or looking after yourself somehow?

I will be working (from home, on my own) but we are a few team members down so I expect to be pretty busy.

Mum wouldn't have wanted us to mark the anniversary, she was very much an "always talk about me and toast me on special occasions" type of person but never commemorated the anniversaries of her own parents. It was always about their lives and never their deaths.

Over the years, when the subject of death came up, she was very pragmatic. She didn't want her any kind of plot or rose bush, she didn't want to be anywhere. To paraphrase: she 'didn't want us to feel obligated to visit her or to waste our time at a cemetery whe we could be having fun'

I actually share her beliefs as do we all luckiky so as a family we'll get together the weekend before (itsone of my many nephews birthday) and have a toast to her then.

What about yourself? What will you do? 💜

Thanks @Chotuladoo and I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Can I ask what you did with the letter? I've wanted to do the same but I don't know what to do with the letter. Take it to the crematorium? Keep it?
I also thought I might write something for the kids.

@Crunchymum the toast with your family sounds like a lovely way to remember your mum. Hoping that seeing everyone together helps you to remember the good times and life live as your mum would want for you. My dad's views were similar, cremated, ashes scattered as he wanted to be nowhere/no grave etc. It's me really who wants to have somewhere to go, my godmums hospice has a memorial tree, so I thought of going there to see her tree and remember him.

@kittlesticks I think I'd intended to pop the letter into the casket, I had asked the funeral home if I could keep it in his shirt pocket. In the end I kept it and later I burnt it thinking the ashes of the letter would reach him some how? I'm really not the letter writing type but there was so much left to say, and I put a hand print of my baby on there, as a goodbye from his grandson

@Chotuladoo I put a letter and photos and poker chips and a pack of cards lots of things in with my mum no idea why just didn't want her to be lonely it sounds so stupid even typing that

We put loads in with mum

Photos of all the grandkids (she had 12 when she died)
Some of the older grandkids wrote letters
A rare photo of us together (mum, dad and us 4 kids) at my youngest brothers wedding, the year before she died.
Mum and dad's wedding picture

I didn't write a letter but I did write this out to go with her.... it is a quote I saw shortly after she died. I wrote it out twice. One copy for her and the other I carry with me.

Sorry quote attached

My mum died 11 days ago - she’d been in poor health for a long time and in a care home for the last 2 years. On several occasions she’d beaten the odds but this time she couldn’t - Covid pneumonia got her (she caught it from a Carer in the care home, something for another thread maybe but which I’m still angry about).

What I’m finding hard is that although people have been understanding and sympathetic when I’ve seen them for the first time since she died, and people have said some lovely things, next time it’s like it’s all done and things are back to normal - and they’re really not.

I’m seriously struggling, I think it’s partly because of 15 years of worrying about her, caring for her and fighting for her has come to an end and I’m a bit lost. She’s on my mind all the time, I keep seeing her last moments and thinking about how afraid she was towards the end before she lost consciousness and I although I’m not a public cryer so to speak it does hit me in waves and I have to stop.

How do I get across to people that I’m not alright? How do I try and explain how hard I’m finding it without them getting fed up of me, and why do I feel guilty for talking about it. I have some sleeping tablets from the doctor which I’m taking occasionally as 2 hours sleep just isn’t enough, but when do I seek more help - counselling maybe? I’m so lost.

Sorry I dropped off the thread a bit. It was mum's birthday - the first since she died - and I've been dealing with that. It's coming up to the first anniversary too, which I'm dreading.

@frostyfingers I'm so sorry to hear you lost your mum. I can relate to so much of what you say. I looked after mine for almost as long as you, and now it feels as though a huge chunk of my whole existence has been sheared away. I spent so much time thinking and worrying about her. What you do with all the time you once devoted to her, suddenly stretching out in front of you, is baffling and somehow quite frightening - well, that's how I've found it. I haven't come up with an answer yet.

I do think counselling ultimately might be a good idea...it's early days for you at the moment but you absolutely shouldn't be feeling guilty about your grief. You've just lost your mum. It's no time at all. People are being incredibly insensitive if they think you're OK at this very early stage.

The thing I find hardest is that my whole outlook on life has changed. Having lost both my parents and watched their suffering through dementia and old age I've found it hard to lose the fear that actually life can be unbearable sometimes and probably will be again. I know how that sounds but my anxiety levels are through the roof and my mind is constantly searching out possible and actual dangers or losses, almost as if it wants to reinforce this belief. I don't want to be this way, but witnessing suffering and feeling totally unable to help has turned me into someone who is permanently afraid. Can anyone relate to this?

@Aliceclara I can absolutely relate to the way you are feeling. My mum’s illness was brutal, watching her suffering was very traumatic and not being able to change things for her her was extremely painful. I look back at that time (2 years ago now) and wonder how I managed to live through it and continue to function on any level. I am scared about getting older or sick, or losing someone else, and I have a better understanding of how hard those things are. I am simply not the same person I was before I lost her.
I’m not sure I have any real words of comfort for you, other than I understand & feel the same. I do find myself wondering if anyone else I am interacting with in my daily life has experienced the same / feels the same. My guess is that probably a lot of people are going through the same, as this thread demonstrates. I have learnt that we never really know what other people are dealing with or how they are struggling, and I try to always be kind & tolerant as a result. That is the only positive I can take from my experience and my fear (and it’s a bit of a stretch tbh).
I also find it helpful to remember that my mum suffered her terrible losses in life (e.g. my Dad when I was a teenager & her parents etc) but still was an immensely positive & loving person who lived her life to the full and was at the centre of our lives and hearts … and still is tbh. I try to follow her example, and not be overwhelmed by fear & sorrow.
I hope that helps a bit. Sending you comfort.

@Aliceclara can definitely relate and it's totally consuming isn't jt ? I used to be glass half full, brimming over even now it is half empty always. I don't recognise myself most of the time and thats a huge thing to come to terms with, death /s of hugely important people are bound to change us. My mum was so positive and selfless yet she had experience a lot of sadness and trauma in her life , I admired her.
I am currently pregnant with no2 and convinced ill die giving birth as my biggest fear is leaving my children without a mum
Life has really become so so hard since losing her in every way

@Aliceclara

Yes, I feel the same. Most of the time there’s a knot of tension in the pit of my stomach.

And then I think of my mum, who I’ve lost, and how brave she was when she lost her mum: she had a small toddler (me) and a husband to look after. She had to keep going somehow. And this was after losing her father a few years before, and two of her beloved siblings during her childhood. She was a heroine really. I wish I could be like her and have just a fraction of her strength. She kept us all going, she was truly a special person.

@Crunchymum I'm having a good old weep at that beautiful quote, do you mind if I borrow it - it's pretty much perfect ❤️

@frostyfingers I'm so sorry to hear about your mum I'm hoping this thread will help you in someway. I think there's a few of us on here who have found others not to really "get" how fundamentally life altering the loss of a parent can be. Just having this corner of Mumsnet has been a bit healing for me. Do you know Cruse (bereavement charity) has an online grief chat with a trained volunteer answering in real time? Sometimes I have found it helpful.

It’s really helpful to have somewhere to articulate what I’m feeling with people who understand. I’ve just typed up her funeral service, in tears, but also with pride that we’ve hopefully got it to reflect the real “her” before she was ill. The funeral is next week, we’re not allowed to sing which is a shame (Wales rules apparently) and because she died “from Covid” we are not allowed to dress her in her own things or see her again. The last is especially hard as I can’t unsee how she was at the end, slumped, uncomfortable and almost as if she were someone else.

I’ll look into the online Cruse chat, that sounds potentially very useful. Thank you all for your kind words when you are also suffering - this is so much worse than I anticipated.

@Aliceclara yes I can relate to that- I've turned into a scaredy cat. My dad was ok one minute, gone in a horrific way the next (I'll leave the detail in case it's triggering for anyone). I see risk every where now, hard to imagine I ever just had fun, went travelling, live life etc.

@mrssunshinexxx I'm supposed to be ttc but since my dad's passing all I can think of is that I will leave my toddler motherless. (But I am high risk) wishing you well for your 2nd pregnancy, hopefully your first was straightforward ? I feel like it's probably more common than people ever talk about to worry about our children, once you've lost a parent yourself. Hoping your mw is understanding.

And my mind is helpfully reminding me of all the other bereavements I've had (at 4am usually).

[quote Chotuladoo]@Crunchymum I'm having a good old weep at that beautiful quote, do you mind if I borrow it - it's pretty much perfect ❤️[/quote]
Please do, its about the most beautiful thing I've ever read and it's bought me a lot of comfort ❤

I am going to commission someone to make it into a wall print for me.

Hello everyone, I'm a newbie to this thread! My dad's funeral is tomorrow, he died peacefully after living with Huntington's disease for the past 20 years.

It was a slow, awful, zigzagging decline, and in many ways I'm not grieving for him, because it was such a dreadful way to go I'm relieved his suffering has come to an end. I've spent the past few years mourning the loss of the father I knew.

The weather's beautiful, which he'd have been happy with. Hopefully the funeral goes as well as can be expected.

Much love to you all.

Gosh @frostyfingers your message made me cry, is there no compassion I can't believe they won't let you see her. I appreciate you might not want to but to have that decision taken away which is massive is so cold . So sorry. I visited my mum in the chapel of rest purely because I hadn't got nearer 2M of her for the 5 weeks previous because - covid and hadn't touched her, I wanted to wrap my arms round her and kiss her a million times but the reality is seeing her in a coffin dead is something I never could of prepared myself for. X