For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

Having a desperate moment. I'm going over to see my Dad and I'm taking dinner. Realised I've made it in a dish mum gave me when I went to uni. Moments like this I wonder genuinely how I'm going to live without her.

💔💔💔 @kittlesticks you just are, you have to becayse your babies need you. I know it hurts so much . Huge hugs

I did afternoon tea yesterday just as my mum did it. Nice china out. Scones and jam and cream. Sandwiches cut into thirds and cake. It brought me comfort as I prepared it. But after I felt so flat and so sad. My mum had a sweet tooth and loved a traditional afternoon tea. I so wanted to make it for her.

Hi everyone, I am just not sure if I should be posting here, my dad's first anniversary is coming up (covid) and I feel so sad. There's no grave, no ashes, no where I can go to "see" him, say hello, put flowers, I feel like it's like two losses. Parenting a young family also means I have had zero processing time in the last year, and random things really gutting (if I see a chap dressed like him, someone with the same name. Utterly random)

@Mid30smidlifecrisis

Hi everyone, I am just not sure if I should be posting here, my dad's first anniversary is coming up (covid) and I feel so sad. There's no grave, no ashes, no where I can go to "see" him, say hello, put flowers, I feel like it's like two losses. Parenting a young family also means I have had zero processing time in the last year, and random things really gutting (if I see a chap dressed like him, someone with the same name. Utterly random)

Please do feel free to post, we all understand

I am coming up to the one year anniversary of losing mum (21st September and Im already feeling the emotions and anxiety heighten)

We decided as a family to have mum scattered in the garden of remembrance, which would have been her wish, but I totally understand your feelings of sadness about not having a "place" for your dad.

Is there somewhere you can go on the day (somewhere he liked or somewhere that reminds you of him or just somewhere you feel at peace)

I too have a younger family - 8,6 and 3 (the 3yo is disabled) I also work PT and have lots going on. I can barely breathe when I think a whole year has passed. It feels as hard and as raw now as it did the day it happened was sudden and unexpected and she was only 65

I'm going to look into some counselling as I don't feel like I'm processing things as well as I could / should.

@Mid30smidlifecrisis

Hi everyone, I am just not sure if I should be posting here, my dad's first anniversary is coming up (covid) and I feel so sad. There's no grave, no ashes, no where I can go to "see" him, say hello, put flowers, I feel like it's like two losses. Parenting a young family also means I have had zero processing time in the last year, and random things really gutting (if I see a chap dressed like him, someone with the same name. Utterly random)

That's really hard, I am sorry. Is there a place he liked that you could go to and maybe reflect?

So we have planned the funeral, got clothes for her, planned the reception afterwards etc etc. But can't do any more organising because the post mortem isn't back. I feel as though that is hanging over me a little so I do hope they call us about it today. She has been dead 9 days now so I'm hoping not much longer.

@Kitkatchunkyplease I hope it comes through for you soon. It's important and I think it did help me - if only because my mum died so suddenly and completely out of the blue. I'm thinking of you x

It came back inconclusive today, so I think then it moves on to samples and a much longer process. Such a palaver.

@Kitkatchunkyplease I'm so sorry 😞 that's awful - sending you strength.

Woke up hysterically sobbing from my sleep this morning this happened daily in the early days but probably about once a month now so hideous . Wow I miss her every moment

@mrssunshinexxx sending love.

I hope it's ok to post this here. I've posted in another thread about my partner being unsupportive after the loss of my dad. I'm still processing the distressing way in which my dad died, the fact that he's gone, and on top of that am trying to cope with my previously nice partner being totally useless.

I have a couple of friends who I thought would be supportive and they have been absolutely rubbish. I know we've had covid etc but in 4 months I've had a couple of lame emails off one and the other did get in touch but just went on about her huge workload and how she wasn't coping with it. I feel as if they haven't acknowledged my pain or been there for me at all and there's been a huge mismatch between my expectations of them and the reality.

I'm guessing if I see them now, they won't want to talk about my grief because they'll think I'll be over it. If I've seen other friends who have asked me about it, I can then move onto other things, because they have at least acknowledged what I've been through.

I can't imagine wanting to see these two friends for a while and then I wonder if I'm abnormal for feeling this way. I feel so let down by them.

@Galgogirl Hey 😊
You sound just like me when my Dad died. I thought my partner was saying all the wrong things and I can remember being really upset with him for not understanding and lacking support. My Dad died in a distressing way too, for me anyway, it was very unexpected but thankfully it was in his sleep in bed (heart attack).
I came to realise that my partner just doesn't understand, he's never been in this situation (thankfully) and I think now that what would I have been like if it was the other way around? I wouldn't have known what to say either. I only see that now looking back of course, and the time I was feeling really pissed off. I remember him playing his music on his phone like normal and laughing at YouTube videos and I thought, how disrespectful??! All I wanted to do at the time was curl up in a ball and the ground swallow me up.
Anyway, I guess all I'm saying is obviously I don't know your partner, or what he's been like exactly. But I've been in the same boat too, and wonder what I would have been like when it was the other way around. I'm over sensitive also so that doesn't help.
Hope you're okay though, it's just awful when you're parent dies. It becomes the norm after so long but you never ever forget them. Sorry for your loss. Sending love to you 💕 💕

Thanks @rrtcbabyno1

So sorry to read that you found your partner unsupportive too and I'm sorry to read about the experience with losing your Dad. We had time to prepare with my dad but it was a distressing, protracted illness and I'm still processing what happened to him.

For me, it's not that my partner was insensitive - he became very irritable and very unkind, snapping at me constantly, not helping around the house, moody, etc etc. I started to wonder if he'd met someone else because his behaviour was that of a partner who wants out of the relationship but hasn't the courage to end it. I asked him outright and he said that wasn't the case and that he wanted to stay together.

I have been over sensitive lately but he hasn't made any allowances for the fact that I'm grieving. He was always moody but he's gone off the charts in the last few months. It's a good question to ask how I would be if roles were reversed but honestly I cannot imagine treating him the way he's treated me over the last few months. He's had me in tears regularly after the way he's talked to me.

It's made me feel very alone and unsupported and the two friends I posted about above who I thought would also be there for me haven't been. I thought I could rely on all three but all three have been disappointing (others have stepped up though and been brilliant).

Aww bless you @Galgogirl not quite the same as my partner then. There is no excuse for treating you that way at this terrible time in your life, it's inexcusable. I have no words for your partner, sorry my comment wasn't very helpful at all, totally unrelatable. Hope you find the strength to figure things out with or without him 💕

It sounds like you have a few supportive people around you, although it's not the people who you thought. In times like this you realise who the good people around you are.
How are the rest of your family doing? Is there not someone you can talk to in your family who knew your Dad and you can talk about him too? I found talking to my dads friends really helpful, I didn't know them before he passed away. Xx

Thank you @rrtcbabyno1 - I appreciate your kind words.

I am baffled as to what's happened to my partner in the last few months. He knew how close to my dad I was and how horrible it was watching him decline so quickly and he's made the grieving process so much harder for me. It's made me question the relationship.

I do think that people don't know what it's like until they've been through it themselves - myself included, and I know I probably won't have supported people as much I should have done in the past - but I still think that a partner should step up and be supportive, even if they don't quite understand.

I was in an abusive relationship for years and it's starting to feel like that now with everything being my fault.

My mum drives me nuts and says some insensitive things to me at times but I bite my tongue because I know she is grieving for my dad. It feels like my partner hasn't made any allowances for me at all.

I'm able to talk to my brothers but neither will want to hear about the troubles with my partner. Everyone else thinks he's wonderful.

I ended up writing to him as he just wasn't listening to me when I tried to talk to him and all he was concerned about was who I'd told that we weren't getting on.....

I'm so sorry about your dad and I hope you are getting the support you need too xx

@Galgogirl

Firstly am sorry to hear about your dad passing away. I know how difficult this is I lost my mum almost 6 months ago and am still struggling to accept that she is gone most days it doesn't feel real like a living nightmare.
I wanted to reach out to you as I have issues with my husband too with his insensitive comments and just generally being a bit if an arse hole. That sounds harsh I know but sometimes he is. Before mum died I was considering leaving my husband then mum was rushed into hospital and there followed was very traumatic an 11 day battle where mum was fighting for her life. I came out of that hospital a broken person. A few weeks after I suggested that we separate and I meant it when I said it but we are still together. I just don't have the strength to go through a separation plus my kids have been through enough loosing their granny I can't do that to them. So we are trying to make it work but it's hard my husband is a difficult person he always needs to be right and can also be very moody. I withdrew completely from him for months but ultimately am trying to keep things afloat for my kids. Am not sure what the future hold for us maybe we will separate one day but I need to be strong mentally to endure such a thing so in the meantime am living often in an atmosphere that can really bring me down as if I need to be down any lower than I already am.
Have you talked to your husband about his behaviour and how this is making you feel?
I remember after my my mum's funeral my husband asked me if I "felt better now". I recall thinking what an idiotic thing for someone to say as if I was going to rely that yes I "feel better now". As the months have gone by I have come to realise that he will never be the person that I need him to be and staying in my marriage is my choice and for now this is just where I will need to be.

@Ttc42nearly43 - I'm so sorry to read your message. I will reply when I can. OH is buzzing around at the moment so it's a bit tricky. We're not married so it's easier for me to leave if I need to. I have tried talking to mine several times and ended up writing to him. When I tried talking to him about how upset I was, five weeks after I lost my Dad, he said I was 'putting a guilt trip on him'. I haven't quite forgiven him for saying that.

I'm really sorry that you're in such a difficult situation and that your husband is being so unsupportive. Someone said to me that it gets worse before it gets better and the idea that you'd suddenly feel better after the funeral is ridiculous! If anything, that's when the reality sinks in and you start processing everything.

You always hope that, in times of crisis, your partner will be there for you, no matter what's come before, and that's they show their worth. I've been very disappointed with mine and yours sounds very disappointing too.

I'll write more later. I'm sorry you lost your mum and under such difficult circumstances. It all sounds very traumatic.

Urgh, another one with an unsupportive partner.

We generally rub along alright (not married but together 15 years and 3DC) but my grief has made me realise he has never given me much emotional support.

Over the years we've suffered recurrent miscarriage, various lifestyle incidents (job losses, money worries) and our DC3 is disabled (rare genetic condition not picked up until after birth).... I am the strong one, the one who copes, the one who fixes. He "helps" but it has always been at my direction.

Losing mum has decimated my strength and my resilience. My DP has just left me to it for the most part. He has the kids when I need a moment, he says the right things to a degree but he doesn't get how seismic this is for me.

I'm broken, I'm lost and I'm ever so sad. He just isn't used to me being like this.

I have realised how little emotional support he gives me and I really need support right now.

He was offered some work away (home at weekends) and I actively encouraged him to take it. I need some space to figure out if this is purely my grief or a real problem in our relationship. He just isn't "there" for me and it makes this shit all that much harder.

Hi everyone. How are you getting on. Its now been 2 weeks since my mum left, and I feel like her absence is just this huge presence in my life. I did almost a full week this past week at work, with only one crying episode 😂 and this week I have a full week. Bit anxious!
The funeral is the week after. No cause of death and therefore no death certificate, so life feels in limbo

@Kitkatchunkyplease the early days are just brutal there aren't any words whilst the reality sinks in , you are doing really well x

@Crunchymum sorry to hear this. Men are just wired so differently to us. This last 15 months have been the rest of a lifetime and I hope the biggest test of our marriage. I'm pleased to say I think we are through it. It it's been hard and there's been many times when I've wanted to end it, I think having some space to decifer the two and try to really work out if your relationship has a future is a good plan. As hard and upsetting as it will be if you want to go your separate ways atleast then you can focus on yourself , your children and grieving for your mum. Without any other background noise. X

@Kitkatchunkyplease

You are in the very early stages of loosing your mum. It is sounds like you are baring up it can go a bit up and down your emotions I think most people are very similar. I'm nearly 6 months on and I can't believe that it's been 6 months since I hugged my mum when she was alive. I still feel very sad and still going through a constant phase of disbelief and bewilderment. When my mum was admitted into hospital for treatment for a bad leg infection we thought she'd come out relatively unscaved none of us though for one second including my mum was she would die in hospital at 66 years old. Its still fills me with shock to think that this happened.

My advice to you would be not to set any expectations on yourself if you have a semi decent day that's great but if you don't then that's ok too. There's no set way you are meant to grieve although to be frank I think theres an expectation from others that you have a certain amount of "time" to grieve. It's amazed me how many times my husband has seen be crying and he's asking me what's wrong! I find that utterly impossible to get my head around why he would find the need to ask that question then for me to have to offer an explanation as to why am so frigging upset. Yes all very frustrating. I think the most considerate person in my household is my 7 year old daughter who is so understanding for her young years.

I hope that you have a good support network around you to lean on.

We too had a bit of a wait for the full death certificate (it was sudden and unexpected and whilst mum did have a few things going on... she had undiagnosed cancer and we had to wait for the samples to come back to determine where it started.... ultimately they put her cause of death as natural) but we did have the interim death certificate for the funeral.

The full report came back just before Christmas, so 3 months after she died. My dad posted it on the family chat on Xmas Eve. Things like that would have made my mum laugh she had such a wicked sense of humour

But yeah it took a while.

I'm in the lead up to it being a year (21st of this month) and whilst in some ways it gets easier, it is so fucking hard. I cannot believe I've been doing "this" for almost a year now.

Another one with a DP who doesn't get why I'm still so sad? He seems to think I should be less emotional about it now? He's at least had the sense never to say this out loud to me but it's the feeling I get.

It's a process - a long, sad, gritty, tormenting process but there are still moments of light and happiness to be had. Those moments will come to you all 💜

I do feel 'fortunate' that my dh's mum died a decade ago so he truly gets it. But it does make me aware how little I got it back then