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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

968 replies

Mummylin · 10/02/2021 20:40

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

OP posts:
notnowdennis · 23/08/2021 08:06

That’s a lovely thing to do @Kitkatchunkyplease. I found 55 ‘good’ photos. My mum didn’t sit still so the rest are all in movement or she’s half in shot. I was so sad about how few videos I had of her. However I found two that are just lovely - she’s laughing with my my child while they cuddle.

Crunchymum · 23/08/2021 11:28

My mum hated having her picture taken, I have very few of her (and barely any on my phone)

I do have the one we used for her funeral though, it is about 10 years old and she is in front of our Christmas tree and she looks so happy.

It's not the best quality but it's a beautiful picture and I am happy I get to see if everyday.

I wonder if I could get it remastered at all?

Ttc42nearly43 · 23/08/2021 18:34

I know this has nothing to do with this thread or maybe it does as my feelings are all mixed in together. I just heard that my cousin is pregnant with her 3rd baby really quickly having not long started trying. I have been trying since March 2020 after a 3rd miscarriage for a 3rd child. Am literally sobbing my eyes out why am I not happy for her? Have I turned into a completely selfish person who only thinks about herself. It feels like a kick in the stomach but i'll need to be all pleased for her and smile and look happy it's so difficult putting on a "brave face" all the time isn't it.

Spiritwriter · 23/08/2021 18:50

@Ttc42nearly43 no, you're not. It's understandable. I think...first of all, you need that love yourself. And...you could be really open with her. Of course it pains you. And she may not even realise.

Sending you love.

kittlesticks · 23/08/2021 18:55

@Ttc42nearly43 of course it's normal to feel like that. I had 3 losses - it's a terrible thing to have to go through. I'm thinking of you. X

Ttc42nearly43 · 23/08/2021 19:22

I think it makes it all the more harder because I feel that I have a gaping hole in my life where mum was. I could have spoken to her about how I was feeling about the news but she's not here anymore. I never told her about the 3rd miscarriage she knew we were trying but never knew about the 3rd loss as the first 2 made her really upset so I didn't want her to suffer like I was. I never told my dad either as I didn't want him to hurt either. Mum was questioning me a few weeks before she got sick asking if there was something I wasn't telling me about my "need" to get pregnant. I said there wasn't but I think she might have knew that I was keeping something back.
Jeez life can be really shit. I don't want to be honest with my cousin as am scared she might withdraw from me we have only reconnected since mum died. I hate being this sad needy person I feel like people are going to start getting fed up with me. I have given up on my dream of a 3rd child it's like all hope is gone and every month when my period comes it's another knock but am 43 now do I suppose I need to get real that am just too old now.
Thank you everyone for hearing me and taking the time to read and respond to my posts x

kittlesticks · 23/08/2021 20:27

I've had a really bad day today. I keep panicking almost, or at least it feels like panic. Mum isn't here, I can't tell her things, I miss her so much, I panic that I will never feel ok again. I panic, cry, then go into a tired slump.
I have responsibilities, two young children, and I'm not being the mum they deserve - I had the most wonderful childhood with my mum.
I just want a hug from my mum. I want to see her with my children again. I want to talk to her. It's just plain awful and I'm sick of hearing it's early days. I often, daily feel like I can't bear even another minute of it.

Spiritwriter · 23/08/2021 21:09

@kittlesticks I've had this too. Message if you need to
I used rescue remedy drops and breathing. And really got to deep work on it all. I also really reached out to mum too
Did reach out in a flurry to some, soon learnt it didn't help. Stumbled through it to start finding the things that helped.
You are NOT a bad mum. No. You are grieving. And that is a process. That doesn't it ends, but it does mean you need to go through it and no way can you carry on as normal.
Call your dad, reach out to those who love you, message me anytime, and most of all...be kind to yourself.
Hugs. Big hugs.

Ttc42nearly43 · 23/08/2021 21:29

@kittlesticks

It's so exhausting isn't it the energy that goes into carrying so much sadness around with you all of the time. You are most definitely not a bad mum. Like Spiritwriter said you are grieving do please do not be hard on yourself.

Sending you strength x

kittlesticks · 23/08/2021 21:37

Thank you @Ttc42nearly43 and @Spiritwriter
I've had a very heavy weekend consumed by it all and I thought a day at work would help but I felt I was drowning in tasks and getting nowhere, and then thoughts of mum would sort of leak into my head when someone else was talking in a meeting, and the anxiety builds from there.
My mum understood and loved me 'best' and I keep dwelling on never having that again. The grief counsellor says it's 'yearning' and a normal part of it, but I do just feel desperate at times. Then I remember that for my own DCs I'M that person, I love them and understand them best. My mum was that for me and I must be that for them.
It's just so hard to cope with, buttering toast for the kids with tears streaming down my face!

Kitkatchunkyplease · 24/08/2021 05:36

I remember when both my mum's parents had passed away that we went out for dinner and we were walking through town, and my mum suddenly sobbing that she didn't have a mum or dad anymore. I think it is fine, kittlesticks, to sob while buttering toast. Just let the feelings happen. You sound like a good mum x

kittlesticks · 24/08/2021 19:49

@Kitkatchunkyplease thank you.
I also had a run in with a colleague yesterday who accused me of not pulling my weight. I feel at the end of my rope with things. I'm going to ring the GP tomorrow.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 24/08/2021 20:10

Good idea kittlesticks. You've got to put yourself first.

kittlesticks · 24/08/2021 20:21

@Kitkatchunkyplease how are you doing today?

Kitkatchunkyplease · 25/08/2021 07:55

I've done two days at work and now I'm off for a few days at least. We are seeing the undertaker today but she needs a post mortem now so everything is delayed. My poor dad is just totally bereft.

I have a headache, I can't face food and I cry whenever I think of her. But it is a comfort to me that other people do this and get through it all the time. My poor dd thinks that grandma won't come to see her. That's the saddest part for me at the moment, but in time she will forget.

kittlesticks · 25/08/2021 20:40

@Kitkatchunkyplease I remember having the thought that 'people get through this so I will too'. I still sometimes have that thought. I'm finding it's easier to get through the hours now - when it first happened it was minute by minute.
I'm thinking of you. The funeral stuff is all so awful and surreal.
Seeing my Dad makes me miss my mum more. It's the reality I think, it hits when I see him but when it's just me at home I can sort of suspend belief a bit.
Thinking of you all. Minute by minute.

SophieB100 · 25/08/2021 22:40

Hi all
Sending you all love.
Am still ploughing through all the arrangements for my dear Dad's funeral. It is relentless. My kids are being very supportive but mum is difficult. I can cope if I take it day by day. God knows how I am getting through each day, I guess he is with me getting me through this. I wish I could offer you all more support. All I can say to you all is that I understand, I get it. And we will, somehow get through this.
Hugs to all Flowers
Soph xx

kittlesticks · 26/08/2021 14:50

@SophieB100 just sending support. The only way I can get by is day by day. 1 foot in front of the other. Keep on keeping on.

Crunchymum · 26/08/2021 19:22

Had some news about my emails (lost all my work emails in a cyberattack and I had years worth to and from my mum)

We've had our emails restored to June 2020 (mum died in September 2020) and I asked one of the IT staff about earlier emails. They are all still there and can be requested but given mine are personal it will be very low priority and won't be something that would be actioned this year.

However it turns out my sister still has access to my mum's email account (mum dealt with all of my parents admin but dad had her log in details). My sister checked and all mine and mum's sent and received emails are there. So happy!!!

Kitkatchunkyplease · 26/08/2021 19:55

Oh that is such a precious thing to find.

kittlesticks · 26/08/2021 20:22

@Crunchymum oh that's good news.
I've been backing up my texts on my phone, I can't go over them now but I started worrying about losing my phone and then losing my texts with mum. I've put everything on the cloud now.
I keep trying to find the energy to tell you all about my mum. I don't have the words.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 26/08/2021 20:32

If you have one word about your mum that you could say, which one comes straight to mind?

Crunchymum · 26/08/2021 20:41

Strong.

(Sorry I don't think that question was particularly dedicated to me)

My mum's mental health was terrible and she saw it as her weakness. She has no idea how much strength and courage it took to continue to function and even smile in the depths of such darkness.

Crunchymum · 26/08/2021 20:44

She also had undetected cancer and it has spread so much that the coroner had to take samples to ascertain where it originated (as she had two daughters they needed to find out if it was a hereditary type. It wasn't). This woman was still cooking and cleaning up until the end. My lovely MIL is a retired nurse and reckons mum was very close to being very poorly and in vast pain from the cancer that she never knew she had and my warrior mum was still taking just paracetamol.

So yeah my work would be strong for sure.

kittlesticks · 26/08/2021 20:51

@Crunchymum yes that sounds right to me, gosh your mum sounds very strong.

@Kitkatchunkyplease I don't know. One word? I think I would just say love, really.

That's grief tho isn't it, love I'm trying to send my mum that can't reach her now. God I miss her.