For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@Ttc42nearly43 yes, I have that feeling. It’s so dangerous for me to sit and indulge those dreams as it makes me feel very angry and very sad. I wish it was nicer.

@Kitkatchunkyplease welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. The immediate days that followed my mum’s death were spent curled up on a sofa with family feeling numb. We walked too - really high hills - and talked and ached. I was very restless and sleep is still hard now one month on.

Done and dedicated to each and every one of you with so much love. X

@Spiritwriter thank you x just having one of those awful 'mum is never coming back' moments.

I know @kittlesticks it's awful when we have those moments.
I breathe it all in, and I also know that we all go the same way. They are but a breath away. That's how I get through it. And just let it flow...the pain is awful, but it's better not to try and push it away.
May I ask your mum's name? X they were all very close in meditation x

@Spiritwriter I've messaged you. I've finally worked out how!

Thank you @Spiritwriter ❤️

@Kitkatchunkyplease @Pentiumgold these early days are such hard and bewildering times. Everyone is right - you need to take care of your basic needs, really, and try to be gentle on yourself. The enormity of this loss is almost too hard to process. The best you can do is just try to go with the flow, I found. Putting one foot in front of the other was all I could manage. Much love to you and to all.

Thank you so much @Spiritwriter xx

I saw your other thread @Kitkatchunkyplease

I posted when my lovely mum died and was directed here too. It's been a very warm and supportive place.

As I said to the other people who have sadly just joined us please just take it minute by minute and take care of the absolute essentials (eat, drink, rest and cry)

Reach out for people if you need them, ask for solitude if you need that.

I'm 11 months down the line and it's still awfully raw and difficult. I have had almost a whole year without my mum and I never, ever imagined thay could be possible.

I feel my anxiety building as the one year anniversary approaches. It's going to be a rough few weeks.

@Crunchymum I feel for you. I had dreadful anxiety leading up to that anniversary that I didn't even want to acknowledge.

I'll be thinking of you. You will come out the other end. I don't like to think about time. I don't think or say how long it is and find that makes me feel more comfortable.

Much love x

@Crunchymum sending strength for the build up to the anniversary.

@Ttc42nearly43 just to say I also do different scenarios in my head, it's torture really! Imagining this weakness in her heart being diagnosed and treated etc.

First post from me in this section, this looks like a lovely supportive thread. Long term MN user here, never wanted to have to post here.

My dear, darling dad passed away a week ago. He was my rock. I can't express how much I adored him, I won't even try, and I know you understand. He had a sudden, peaceful passing, for which I will always be grateful. He lived a full life, and was 88 when he passed. I'm his only child, which sounds daft, because I'm 60, but I have always been a 'daddy's girl'. The last week has been surreal and whilst I have been trying to cope with my own loss which is profound, I have had to look after my elderly frail mum, and support her. My relationship with her has never been easy, and there has always been a distance between us. She didn't make dad's life easy, especially in the latter years, and I feel a lot of bitterness towards her. This is mixed with a lot of sorrow, because she has lost her partner of nearly 70 years.

I don't know why I'm posting, except that I hope someone can understand how difficult it is to lose a much loved parent, whilst doing all they can to support the other parent, who they love, but don't feel the same connection with.

Love to all who are grieving with me.
Soph

So sorry to hear of your dad. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the feelings towards your mum. It's just natural emotions and not a problem to feel that way.

I've just survived 24 hours nearly without my lovely mum. I told all her friends today which was very sad. Just collected her wedding ring from the hospital. It all feels very surreal.

@Kitkatchunkyplease so sorry. It's so surreal isn't it.
What a day you've had.
@SophieB100 so sorry you find yourself here. So very sorry for your loss.

So sorry about your Dad @SophieB100 the shock is so strange. I understand how you are feeling with your mum - I have a similar situation but in reverse. We’re had some awful arguments over the last few weeks and I regret all of them. If you can find someone to vent to instead of falling into difficult conversations with your mum, it might help avoid as much tension. I am pleased to say those feelings are settling a little bit more now.

Is anyone else finding all the adverts and upbeat news stories about “returning to society again” exhausting and upsetting? I am so sad for my mum. She was so frightened of getting COVID that she spent 18 months very isolated and was fearful about coming back again, so I barely saw her, and then she was ill and we weren’t initially allowed to visit hospital either. It is so sad that she never got to do any normal things again. She wasn’t even old - only very recently retired.

Oh, I need to shake this sad anger, somehow.

I do think covid makes it worse. I can't believe my mum died alone and I hadn't even seen her. It is so cruel. I spoke to her days ago, we had a totally normal conversation and she was messaging me lots about my little girl. Then she stopped messaging on Thursday. And that's it. How I've got her phone here and I can see the messages I sent her that she never even saw.

Thank you everyone.
Just knowing you have replied helps.
I don't have to explain, you just get it.

I have made phone calls to his friends, family, I have had neighbours crying, I have propped up people I hardly know. I've talked to undertakers, the coroner, complete strangers, and it has been like I've been watching myself do all this. Does that make sense?

So on a practical level, I've been coping well. Doing all that needs doing. But the grief I feel is so unbearable, I can't even touch it.

I have to say that I knew this was going to happen, I just didn't or couldn't face it. For months, I've known that I would lose him. So whilst it was a shock to me and everyone, I felt a little bit prepared. Or thought I did. The reality is awful. A body blow.

Love to all
Soph

Oh @Kitkatchunkyplease, me too. There were so many messages and she never got to read them and lots of missed calls. My mum had surgery but had complications and didn’t ever fully come back round afterwards.

@notnowdennis
thank you. I am venting to others.
The only person who really understood how difficult she was is my dad. I talk to him all the time, and I can feel him supporting me dealing with her. In the past week, she has hardly said a positive word about him. I know she loved him, but her negativity is so ingrained in her. It's draining and hard to hear others speak so well of the gentle man he was, but his wife speak so differently. Never mind, I can draw on his love to help me gently navigate my way through this.

Soph x

That sounds so hard Sophie but he sounds like such a lovely dad.

@notnowdennis I am very sorry to hear you feel the same way. It feels as though she is just out of my reach.

@SophieB100 there’s a real mix of conversations and peoples who suddenly tumble into your life, isn’t there? Apart from all the massive organising and nosey people, I really loved some of the very kind people who called or dropped off food/cake and especially the ones who told me lovely stories about my mum. I hope your hear from some of those people to balance out the noisier ones.

I am not sure there is any preparation you can do that even comes close, so please go easy on yourself. I found the Cruse website helpful and winston’s wish as well for helping my son understand.

I vividly remember sitting down with my mum's phone transferring numbers into my phone to call them. It was awful. I'm still stumbling in the rubble really, but not in that urgent phase anymore.
My mum died suddenly in her late 60s about 2 months ago. Just collapsed and died, out of the blue. She was my everything really. I feel lost. I've had such a heavy grief day today and I have two small children to care for. Not good.

A sad welcome to those of you who find yourself here today. My mum died suddenly a month ago today. We buried her on Friday. I read something, my three small children came and wept. And then today, a month to the day after I took that shocking call, it was my 40th birthday. My husband went all out and I was touched by the love and support there. But there was such a glaring hole where my mum would have been. I held it together for the day but now I'm back home it's hard. I can't believe I've gone through such a landmark without her. I keep remembering how much she was looking forward to if. On Friday, before I left her home for the funeral, I found the outfit she had bought to wear. I'm scared that I will never see her again. I miss her so much

@bangwhistle I'm so sorry - I'm 37, I similarly to you can't believe I will have milestones without her. I get those waves of anxiety too. I send you lots of strength - it's such an awful time and birthdays (my mum was gone just before my DD's 2nd birthday) are a cold harsh reminder that they aren't here and life for those of us who are left goes on. I find it hard to believe I will feel genuine joy at a celebration ever again but people keep saying I will.

@kittlesticks I just can't imagine. I did hold it together today whilst my husband pulled off the sweetest and most thoughtful birthday party but now I'm home all I can think about is how much I want to talk to her and give her a hug x sending strength xx

Last night I made a photo book of pictures of my mum and my dd. I had 347 on my phone. Seems far too few.
I paused and thought 'don't make it now, what about all the photos in the future' and then the realisation of course that 347 photos is it. And most of those are crap haha.