For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

My gosh, she sounds so strong. You must be so proud of all that she was.

[quote kittlesticks]@Crunchymum yes that sounds right to me, gosh your mum sounds very strong.

@Kitkatchunkyplease I don't know. One word? I think I would just say love, really.

That's grief tho isn't it, love I'm trying to send my mum that can't reach her now. God I miss her. [/quote]
Yes, I'd like to just send all that love. The past 2 weeks when she got ill I wanted to be with her in hospital and tell her what a good mum she was. Sadly, as I didn't get to see her, I had to tell her body after she had died. And I just want her to know.

I am so glad I have found this place.

My beloved mum died on 16 July. She had been in poor health since Christmas, but her death was unexpected. She was 81. I’m 54. I remain absolutely devastated. I am mostly outwardly composed, but feel I am breaking inside.

I am an only child and really close to my parents; live only 2 minute walk away. In my whole life I don’t think there was ever a day I didn’t have some sort of contact with my mum.

I am doing all I can to support my DF (who was devoted to my mum and had been her carer with such tenderness and love) and my 3 children (aged 20, 17 and 10) who loved their grandma hugely. My oldest daughter is in recovery (well established now) from really severe, life threatening, anorexia and I’m very alert to anything triggering a relapse. My mum and she were so close. And my mum was incredibly emotionally supportive of us both when my daughter was really sick.

I’ve been off work since 16 July. I had planned to have August off anyway. I go back on 1 September. I don’t feel ready. But I’m self employed and also the main breadwinner, so I can’t delay it further. I had budgeted and planned for august off. But I’ve already had 2 weeks extra time off and cannot afford any more.

Every second of every day I mourn my mum. There seems to be no respite. It’s a constant sadness that peaks every now and then into full blown upset, when I have to find a quiet space fo hide myself away to compose myself.

I am lucky. My DH is kind and supportive (though he has been taken aback by the strength and duration of my feelings). And I have some good friends and 2 cousins to whom I’m close, who are also really understanding. But my mum was my person in many ways. The one who knew and loved me best. I miss her so much.

My mum was frail and she was 81. I know this is not a “tragedy” when viewed objectively. But it is to me!

Sorry for the rambling.

It is a tragedy to lose your mum. You sound like you had such a special bond. You also have so much on, supporting your df and your children. It is hard to manage everything. I know just what you mean when you say your mum knew and loved you best. There is nothing like it, to have a mum you loved so dearly.

I am on the sixth day without my mum. I looked through my phone last night and the last call I had with her was 5 days before she died, for 28 minutes. That brought me comfort, to know we had had a proper conversation. Although goodness knows what we said. I only wish I could have seen her in the fortnight before her death.

Thank you so much.

I saw my mum on 14 July. Had a nice conversation on 15 July, then she took worse at 4am on the morning of 16 July and my dad called an ambulance. He went to hospital with her. I spoke to her on the phone at around 11.30am. Very short conversation. I did say I loved her. My dad said she said it back, but I couldn’t hear her. She was then thought to have stabilised and my DF left to get some things. He only just got home when he got a call to go back as she had taken a turn for the worse. I jumped in the car with him but by the time we got there she had died. The hospital were wonderful to us. My oldest joined us and we were allowed as long as we wanted sitting with her in her hospital bed. We took about 90 minutes I think. It still feels so raw.

I’m sorry for what you and others on here are going through. I always knew I’d take the loss of my parents hard when it came. So it’s no surprise really.

I’m so glad you got that long chat with your mum.

Being separated must have been very hard. It sounds as though you kept in good contact with her. I hope that is a comfort. The fear of my mum having to be admitted to hospital and be on her own haunted me all through lockdown. She wasn’t good with technology and couldn’t text or email. So our communication would have been very limited.

I’m not particularly haunted by not being there at the end as her sister died 3 years ago and similar happened (she died after her husband and daughter left for the night) and my mum was very clear that is how her sister would have wanted it and how she would want it also.

But I am sad that I didn’t visit on 15th. I was busy with work; gearing up for august off when we were going to spend lots of time together and I had no idea my mum was so close to death. That upsets me a lot.

The way you talk about your mum- it is evident how much you loved her. She will have known this too. So the 15th, it was just one day out of all the days you knew her and loved her. X

@Kitkatchunkyplease my word is fun. She was so fun, my person.

My word for my mum, if I have to choose one, is “selfless”. It sounds a bit too serious. A bit too pious. And that’s not quite the right tone. But she always put other people first. Always tried to help. Not for thought of reward or even thanks. Just because.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood just to say sorry for your loss and sorry that you find yourself here.
I lost my mum on the 15th June, she was in her late 60s, she collapsed with a sudden heart issue and was declared gone at the scene. We had no idea she had the heart weakness.
I love and miss her so much. I have two DCs who are very young and won't remember her. I can't believe how much my world has changed.

Thank you. It’s astonishing how life changes so quickly. The shock of it all just compounds the grief.

Hi all,
Just back from two days camping. I'm struggling
I'm catching up with your posts and know I'm not alone.
It's awful.
Over and over again.

Hi @Spiritwriter how was camping?

Hi @kittlesticks we were blessed with fine weather and some sun, thank goodness. The kids enjoyed it, and the dog. I did too ,really, though it was very difficult. I burst into tears on the drive there.
The last time we went there my mum and dad came to visit us, and we had our old dog. Now both have gone. And me and mum had many times together in that area as we only went local.
I try and think how good it is I have all these memories, but honestly, it's so hard.
It just feels painfully surreal.

@Spiritwriter it sounds like it was good to go there but yes I would suffer similarly and I'm sure it was hard at times. Really glad you had some sunshine and the kids enjoyed it.
We are going on a day out tomorrow probably the most involved thing we've done since it happened.
I'm struggling with milestones and events mum is missing.

Yes, it's hard. I'm
....really down
I've found the summer very hard. I keep worrying about losing my dad, too. And my husband
.
And basically dwelling on death and mortality. Sometimes it's all fine, and other times it feels too much. I can't explain it.
I...just can't get my head round death.
That's how I feel at the moment.
I'm sorry I can't remember the poster name, apologies...but the closeness, the daily contact, the beat friend...that's me and mum.
I also hate there was family trouble (again) in the last few years. Serious stuff.
It's a lot.
I feel if I could help others it might help. I don't know.
There has to be some sort of meaning to all this!!!!

Totally resonate @Spiritwriter it's just mind baffling that someone can be here one moment and then gone forever the next there body just stops. Just like that. Especially when they are just a huge presence in your life and you wonder how or why you would want to live this life without them. I totally totally feel the same life and death and just .. what?! Makes no sense to me
I worry about our children losing me or my husband it's a big fear I'm very anxious about childbirth worry I will die giving birth. I used to be glass half full person and not I am the opposite my mums death has sucked the life out of me

@mrssunshinexxx I know. I feel like I look so old and grey now. The troubles, the worry, the toll of it, then the death...taken it's toll.

I do enjoy my children and they carry me through. At times I feel lighter, at times I can hardly move.
It's very odd.

@Spiritwriter

I feel old too and am only 43. I don't know if that's old or young to have lost your mum probably somewhere in the middle as I know many people here are younger than me but then I look at my neighbour who is 60 and still has her mum. Am so envious of that of anyone who still has their mum.
Am not ready to be at the top of my generation. I worry a lot about my dad dying he's 76 now. I need my parents both of them. I can't imagine a world without my dad in it too.
I look at pictures of mum and think how the heck are you gone when you have been a part of my daily life for the whole if my life?
You were strong to return to the destination you were with your parents before that would have been tough on you. I have avoidance issues maybe or maybe just natural how I feel but I can't go anywhere on holiday that I've been with mum before I just can't face it. We are booked to go away with dad, the kids and my sister for a long weekend in September but I have deliberately chosen a place where we haven't been with mum. I sometimes wonder why that is that I can't revisit places that I have been with her as we took some many holidays over there years there are literally tons of places I can no longer go to. I wonder if that will be like that forever. I think it's a guilt thing that I feel guilty going on holiday without mum.

Completely resonate with the 'how can someone just not exist anymore' feelings. I'm sure the 'she's always with you' argument will be more helpful in time but as things stand I think I'm angry more than anything, at the situation. Not with Mum, who obviously couldn't help having a heart aneurysm.
I tend to struggle more with the fact I'm feeling so much pain (and often it is just that wall of pain) and she doesn't even know she's gone. Or at least that's how I see it at the moment.

@kittlesticks totally agree she isn't with us anymore ?! I think people just say what they think you want to here

Home from a good day out with the kids. Lots of logistics to consider helped numb it - at home now I've had a cry. I see her in my minds eye so vividly. Just crazy not to be able to send her photos of the kids enjoying the day. Trying so hard for my kids, to be happy and enjoy the time with them. I keep thinking of all the times we had together - I need to be that mum for them.
Does anyone else constantly have 'the final conversation' with their mum in their head? I can hear her sometimes telling me she's so sorry to leave me, I'm not sure if it helps.

Spent the afternoon with my brother and sister (dad and other brother weren't there) and all of our kids.

Came home feeling so sad. I love my family but the absence of my our mum always hangs over spending time with them. Our loss is magnified when we are together. Even though on the surface its light and jovial.

I don't know if they feel the same? Mum always crops up in conversation but it's always in a positive way... which is good. We share happy memories and "In" jokes but it's hard. We all miss her and it is just there.... unsaid.

I feel wrecked after spending time with them. We are all so busy trying to protect each other I don't think we acknowledge how fucking sad we are.

@Crunchymum yeah I think that's how I behave with my Dad too. Especially when the kids are around. And my sister I don't see much so we are back to our usual text message rhythms, nothing about what's happened, but I feel the unspoken 'this is all so shit' vibe.
I am sending you strong thoughts as I think keeping the connection is probably the most important thing really.

@Crunchymum

You should speak with your siblings it sounds like noone really knows how to open that conversation. You will all be grieving although probably in different ways. In my family we don't share joking moments about mum this hasn't come yet there's just too much pain. I wish we could reminisce about mum but I think we are all still struggling to believe that she is actually gone. I speak about mum no one else says much about her not my dad or sister am not sure why again I think it just hurts too much.

It might be beneficial for you's all to talk openly about how loosing your mum has affected you. No one talks about the pain and the desperation that you feel now mum has gone. I have found that it then becomes a lonely place sitting with your grief and not being able to express yourself to the people who know and love your mum just as much as you do. I agree seeing relatives hurts sometimes but the way I try to think about it is that these people hold memories of mum maybe memories that you don't know about. They are the only ones in this planet that could have the understanding to know what you are going through so reach out to them either individually or as a group whichever makes you feel more comfortable to express your grief. You don't need to tell them everything but you may be surprised the relief that comes from opening your heart to your closest relative's.