DSS wants DP's abusive ex at the funeral

[LakieLady]

DSS is coming here tomorrow to discuss what needs doing and who's doing what.

He sent me a text today saying that he's decided he wants his mother, DP's ex, at the funeral. They split up 13 years ago.

She was emotionally, financially and physically abusive and describes herself as a functioning alcoholic. She regularly sent abusive and goady texts late at night. I changed my number, but she carried on sending them to DP now and again.

DSS thinks it's "not fair" to prevent her paying her respects. She was never "fair" and never showed him any respect in life. DSS thinks his dad would have wanted her there. I know his dad didn't even like sharing a planet with her, let alone have her come to his funeral.

MIL doesn't want her there, but also doesn't want to risk alienating her grandson. The rest of DP's family are horrified at the prospect of her being there, DP was incredibly damaged by what he went through, and would really struggle with her being there. And so would I.

DSS is still close to his ex, the mother of DGD and she will be there to support him.

Thankfully, Covid is on our side here, as there are already 35 people who want to come and many more we haven't heard back from, so maybe it's easily resolved by lack of numbers. We only want people who loved him, cared about him and didn't hurt him to be there when we say our goodbyes.

So tomorrow I am going to have to have a very difficult conversation with him, which I am dreading. I'm going to treat it like a drama audition and am getting into character: that of a calm, caring person who isn't on the brink of losing it completely.

Please send waves of self-control and tact my way tomorrow. When I read his text I nearly blew a gasket.

So sorry for your loss.

Similar happened to my friend - her do died suddenly and because she wasn't married to him it ended up being his ex wife who was contacted when he was found, and who organised the funeral. My friend wasn't even invited even though they had lived together for years.

It's a really crap situation but you're the one who has all the lovely memories and his ex has only her bitterness to keep her warm.

I think the partner trumps the adult child, personally. When my dad died, mum lost the person she lived with, who she was with all day every day. I still had my husband and sons.

@bigvig
As others have said if he organises it - he pays. Maybe that will put him off. I really feel for you - what a horrible situation.

I don't understand these sort of comments- as if he is doing it just for a laugh. His DF has died fgs. There are no attackers or victims here, Both sides have very valid points.
I assume the posters of such commentators are just saying this because if they were in this situation, they would not want to part with their cash for their DF or DM.
Such a sad way to think

@Colbinabbin, your words are both wise and kind, and absolutely spot on. Thank you.

It's clear that you know exactly the sort of behaviours I'm dealing with here, and I do realise that DSS has been put in a very difficult position by his mother.

Anyway, I'm moving on.

I will rock up in the dress that was DP's favourite, which makes me look quite glam, with a biker jacket on top to remind everyone of his love of biking. I will waft along the chapel in a cloud of Mitsouko with my big blonde mane of hair trailing behind, my brightest lippy and my bravest smile and I will own it and make DP proud.

Thanks again, @Colbinabbin.

I will be sharing some of my memories of DP at the service, which will make them laugh. Hopefully, they will play Charlie's favourite song, which will make

How beautiful @LakieLady ❤️❤️❤️ Your classy attitude will radiate and your peace building will support the family relationships that will matter to you in a decade’s time. Your actions will be remembered by family and by DSS as those of a woman who was hurt but who refused to lash out at others. You can be very proud of how you have acted

You’re a hell of a woman, Lakie. I salute you.

Go for it Lakie!

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@bigvig
As others have said if he organises it - he pays. Maybe that will put him off. I really feel for you - what a horrible situation.

I don't understand these sort of comments- as if he is doing it just for a laugh. His DF has died fgs. There are no attackers or victims here, Both sides have very valid points.
I assume the posters of such commentators are just saying this because if they were in this situation, they would not want to part with their cash for their DF or DM.
Such a sad way to think[/quote]
Yes!

Awful responses here.

He [DSS] sent me a text today saying that he's decided he wants his mother, DP's ex, at the funeral. They split up 13 years ago.

DSS thinks it's "not fair" to prevent her paying her respects.

The thing is, this has nothing to do with respect. OP knows, and so do most of us, that she never did respect him and isn't going to start now. She just wants to cause trouble and upset for everyone else, and who can argue with someone paying their respects?

I'm sorry OP, legally you're probably on the back foot not being his next of kin. Can you agree with DP's family that none of you will engage with her and whatever histrionics she decides to bring (because she will)? If you all act like she's not there she's going to look pretty silly.

@Feedingthebirds1, some of us will definitely be doing as you suggest, especially the old friends.

For the family it's a bit more complex. MIL feels obliged to continue to be civil because the ex is mother of MIL's grandson; SIL2 has a lot of contact because she and her husband are clients of ex's tax fiddling consultancy company.

BIL, his partner, SIL1 and her DH, plus grown up niece will be blanking her. SIL1 witnessed a good deal of what went on when they got together and took DP to hospital for treatment when the ex hurled a glass at him and cut an artery in DPs head.

My biggest fear is that the ex will turn up pissed and make a scene. She loves to be the centre of attention and behaves appallingly when drunk (she has actually been banned from a railway station M&S store ffs). She has quite a history of being violent too. I've seen her take a swing at her best mate before now.

DP's old school friends will be watching her like a hawk and ready to frogmarch her out if she kicks off.

Oddly though, I wouldn't be altogether surprised if she simply didn't turn up. And she's always late for everything, so she might not get there in time to be let in, so she may just kick off in the car park. Although I daresay she'll arrive with DSS.

Despite all the shit that's going on, I feel very fortunate to be surrounded by people demonstrating awesome amounts of loving kindness. DP's family are really looking after me, my manager has been amazing, DP's old friends are massively supportive, my own friends have been complete troupers and the kindness on here has been terrific.

It seems as though I get a call or a text every hour or so just checking I'm ok. There are an awful lot of good people in the world.

I'm really glad to hear that you have a lot of support from family, friends and work.

Hope all goes well tomorrow and that the ex doesn't cause a scene and/or upset you and your DP's family.

Hope tomorrow goes well and calmly like your DP deserves.

Thank you @Fifthtimelucky and @CrimsonCattery.

I can't wait for it to be over, tbh. It seems like it's been dragging on for ever.

I only found out today that up to 15 people can gather for a wake. If I'd known (and tbh, checking on Covid restrictions was the last thing on my mind) I could have invited at least the family back here afterwards for a drink/cuppa and a chat, so we got a chance to relax a bit, but I really can't be arsed to rush around and make the house presentable on top of getting myself ready and psyching myself up.

Hope tomorrow goes as well as these things can @LakieLady. I'm sure family won't mind what state your house is in but do what's best for you.

I bloody hate funerals

hope it goes well tomorrow and the send off is full of happy memories, love and dignity.

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow @LakieLady
I'm hoping with all my heart that it will be a wonderful celebration of your lovely DP's life with the people who loved him and who he loved.

No one else matters so hopefully her presence will have no impact.

Much love and strength to you today xx

Celebrate the man you love, lean on those who love you and know you're time together was truly well lived.

I'm glad you are being well looked after.

Thinking of you today. I hope it goes as peacefully as possible under the circumstances. Lean on those who know you and are there to support you, focus on your love for your DP, and ignore any drama if you can.

You are being very dignified in your response, and as another poster said, in years to come, you, and others, will look back on this day and realise you have done yourself and your DP proud .

I'll be thinking of you today

Thinking of you. What an awful situation.

Thinking of you today @LakieLady

He loved you. I hope you got to say goodbye without distraction.

I hope everything went as well as it could today. XXX