DSS wants DP's abusive ex at the funeral

[LakieLady]

DSS is coming here tomorrow to discuss what needs doing and who's doing what.

He sent me a text today saying that he's decided he wants his mother, DP's ex, at the funeral. They split up 13 years ago.

She was emotionally, financially and physically abusive and describes herself as a functioning alcoholic. She regularly sent abusive and goady texts late at night. I changed my number, but she carried on sending them to DP now and again.

DSS thinks it's "not fair" to prevent her paying her respects. She was never "fair" and never showed him any respect in life. DSS thinks his dad would have wanted her there. I know his dad didn't even like sharing a planet with her, let alone have her come to his funeral.

MIL doesn't want her there, but also doesn't want to risk alienating her grandson. The rest of DP's family are horrified at the prospect of her being there, DP was incredibly damaged by what he went through, and would really struggle with her being there. And so would I.

DSS is still close to his ex, the mother of DGD and she will be there to support him.

Thankfully, Covid is on our side here, as there are already 35 people who want to come and many more we haven't heard back from, so maybe it's easily resolved by lack of numbers. We only want people who loved him, cared about him and didn't hurt him to be there when we say our goodbyes.

So tomorrow I am going to have to have a very difficult conversation with him, which I am dreading. I'm going to treat it like a drama audition and am getting into character: that of a calm, caring person who isn't on the brink of losing it completely.

Please send waves of self-control and tact my way tomorrow. When I read his text I nearly blew a gasket.

If you can, suggest that dss ans his mother have their own memorial for his dad, rather than putting his gran and you and the rest of the family the torment of seeing her there. I’d imagine it’ll change her tone when she doesn’t get to parade in front of people. There’s no reason why that can’t happen. My delightful grandfather had a funeral, attended by his widow and children, and then a memorial attended by the woman he saw on the side and their children. I’m skimming over a lot of hurt and pain but use it as an example if you want. And emphasis the 35 people are people that loved him and want to say goodbye. Be really specific when he says he wants people told not to come. “Bill who called everyday with the golf scores?” “Jean who came and made him laugh when no one else could?” “Geoff who sorted the car and the steps so we didn’t have to?” That kind of thing.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

I’m sorry for the situation, it’s very difficult

However I think the son has a right to a significant input into the funeral, in your situation I would want to allow her to attend if it meant so much to his son. You don’t need to spend time talking to her, but I think it would be a nice thing to do for him. You risk alienating DSS from you otherwise, by setting yourself up as tbe person who acts for his father. If I were the DSS in this situation, I’m afraid I would be very upset about this

He disclosed a lot of stuff to me years before they finally split. If you were in some sort of relationship with him while he was still with her maybe your SS has some resentment about that on his mother's behalf?

It is hard, my ex died last year, my kids are very definitely adults (in their 40s) they asked if I wanted to attend and I said whatever they wanted me to do I would do. I looked after young GC for most of the day but also met up with some of his family who I hadn't seen for years. It seemed a civilised way to close that.

DSS has now taken control of the funeral.

I rang to make an appointment to register the death, and DSS has told them he is arranging the funeral.

Oh no! You must be reeling from grief and from this further upset.

And, to be fair, so must he be.

Can your BIL mediate? Or another relative? I'd avoid speaking with him directly at the moment, as emotions are high and you might say something you later regret.

I can see both sides to this situation. I hope you have someone loving to support you, that isn't directly involved in the funeral (a sis or best friend?)

How old is DSS?

Is there a will in place?
Are there other D.C.?

Goodness that’s difficult, I presume he is older if he has a daughter himself?

Sorry for your loss.

I can also see both sides and can understand why you don’t want her there but also understand why he wants his mother there as his support.

It sounds like communication has hit the rocks, he was from your post due to speak to you about it face to face and possibly sent you the text as a pre-warm so not to put you on the spot? How did you respond to his text which meant the face to face didn’t go ahead?

Are you the wife or girlfriend? He cant push a wife out like he can a girlfriend

Is he the eldest?

He dies realise he has to pay for it if he arranges it and if he isnt the eldest he idnt entitled to the help as he won't be classed as next if kin

And he can cut you out

I think it’s time for your DP’s mother and brother to say something to him.

Sounds like the OP is not married to the deceased and DSS is next of kin.

@Mistletroll

Sounds like the OP is not married to the deceased and DSS is next of kin.

Sounds like it sadly

Is there a will OP?

Sorry for your loss

I am so sorry to read about your awful dilemma , there is no way on this earth that my husbands ex will be allowed at his funeral , i totally empathise.
I think as this has been taken out of your hands that if i were in your position i would attend ,be quiet and dignified then leave .
I would then do something at home to mark this occasion to give myself some kind of peace.
Yes its a big day but the love you shared is much bigger than a half hour service at a funeral , rise above this appalling behaviour .
I t sounds like you have friends and family on your side .
I really hope you can move on from this , i am so angry for you .

PPs are quite correct, we weren't married, there's no will (despite my having banged on about the need to make wills for months), DP's son is 30 and is the only child.

They had been split up for 3 years by the time we got together, so no way am I the OW. In fact, he had been my BF for a year or so in the 1980s, then he got together with his ex, who was a friend of mine, after we split.

When we got back together 10 years ago, she went really weird about it, even though we had all been friends.

There's also a further complication. DP was looking after a £16k inheritance of his DB's, because his bro is bad with money. That money is sitting in DP's bank a/c, and will now go to his son unless we find a way to get the money treated as a liability.

The ex hates DP's family, with the possible exception of his mother and one sister who is a client of the ex and I wouldn't even be sure about that. Ex hates DP's brother and is good friends with his ex.

We are planning our own celebration once the weather is better and we are out of lockdown.

What is really painful is that he went through so much pain and grief because of her violence, financial abuse, bullying and drinking that it took him a long time to recover. He only stayed because of his son. Everyone who knows him says that the 10 years that we have been together have been the happiest of his life, and it seems so wrong that this woman who showed him little but contempt is now calling the shots.

His mother and siblings are appalled and upset, and this has added to their grief. They are considering not going to the funeral, especially his brother, because it is likely that his ex will be there.

I just cannot fathom what is going on in her head. Why would anyone want to be part of the funeral of someone they don't acually like? It's all one massive fucking mind game.

@tsmainsqueeze

I am so sorry to read about your awful dilemma , there is no way on this earth that my husbands ex will be allowed at his funeral , i totally empathise. I think as this has been taken out of your hands that if i were in your position i would attend ,be quiet and dignified then leave . I would then do something at home to mark this occasion to give myself some kind of peace. Yes its a big day but the love you shared is much bigger than a half hour service at a funeral , rise above this appalling behaviour . I t sounds like you have friends and family on your side . I really hope you can move on from this , i am so angry for you .

Sadly, in normal times funerals are public and anyone can attend.

DP's brother was horrified to hear that if his ex were to turn up at his funeral, no-one could really stop her.

I’m so sorry for the situation unfortunately I think the only thing you can do is attend the funeral and stick with the people you want to be with. I would encourage the rest of the family to be there too, and to stay with you and just not engage with anyone else they don’t want to see. I understand why she wants to be there, and I equally understand why you don’t want her to, but keeping the peace in the family is important.

Remember that funerals are for the living, it’s just one day and not the most important aspect of how you will honour him

Unfortunately I think anything you do will exacerbate things. It seems for DSS this has become DM vs DSM. Perhaps the best thing to do is drop the rope, especially given your rather precarious position with no will etc.

You say BIL can't really help as DSS has issues with him too but perhaps your MIL, DSS grandma? Could she suggest if ex would like to pay her respects perhaps she could do so at another time/privately? I feel even that will be the proverbial cup of sick

If you'd like to attend the official service it sounds like you're going to have to muster all the grace you have. Grief makes people very difficult.

Funerals are indeed for the living, I'm sorry for your loss. Is there something you would like to do to honour your DPs memory?

This is your stepsons mother and his dad has just died?
He likely wants his mother there for support. Dont make it harder for him.

I'm afraid I think that as the OP and her partner were not married, the step son has every right to organise the funeral and therefore to choose who to invite.

It will be obviously be very unpleasant having the woman there who has made her partner's life so difficult, especially as she knows he would not have wanted that, but I think she only has two options: not to go herself or to go, sit with his family and have nothing to do with the ex.

Forgot to add sympathies for what is clearly a very difficult situation - and of course more generally.

Oh I am so sorry x

Sorry for your loss, but you weren't married and there were no other instructions left, so it's entirely down to his son to make funeral arrangements. You should have deferred to him from the start. It's understandable why he got so wound up about it.