DSS wants DP's abusive ex at the funeral

[LakieLady]

DSS is coming here tomorrow to discuss what needs doing and who's doing what.

He sent me a text today saying that he's decided he wants his mother, DP's ex, at the funeral. They split up 13 years ago.

She was emotionally, financially and physically abusive and describes herself as a functioning alcoholic. She regularly sent abusive and goady texts late at night. I changed my number, but she carried on sending them to DP now and again.

DSS thinks it's "not fair" to prevent her paying her respects. She was never "fair" and never showed him any respect in life. DSS thinks his dad would have wanted her there. I know his dad didn't even like sharing a planet with her, let alone have her come to his funeral.

MIL doesn't want her there, but also doesn't want to risk alienating her grandson. The rest of DP's family are horrified at the prospect of her being there, DP was incredibly damaged by what he went through, and would really struggle with her being there. And so would I.

DSS is still close to his ex, the mother of DGD and she will be there to support him.

Thankfully, Covid is on our side here, as there are already 35 people who want to come and many more we haven't heard back from, so maybe it's easily resolved by lack of numbers. We only want people who loved him, cared about him and didn't hurt him to be there when we say our goodbyes.

So tomorrow I am going to have to have a very difficult conversation with him, which I am dreading. I'm going to treat it like a drama audition and am getting into character: that of a calm, caring person who isn't on the brink of losing it completely.

Please send waves of self-control and tact my way tomorrow. When I read his text I nearly blew a gasket.

Sorry, due to the numbers she will not be able to attend and I know you think that your father would have wanted her there, but I can assure you that he definitely didn’t as we discussed this previously. Please respect his wishes and mine and don’t bring your cunt of a mother!🙃

Pmsl!

I was thinking of something with a "more in sorrow than in anger" tone, but I'm rather liking your approach @Princessbanana.

I’d plump for your first thought! I’d make it completely straightforward, factual and unemotional if you can. Too many people already and there aren’t enough places for his close family and friends already. Hope it’s OK. 💐

Sorry you're having to deal with this. I had a similar situation 20 years ago... badly behaved ex was told they could attend the funeral but not the wake afterwards. Went down like a cup of cold sick, but we were all happy ex was kept away.

Stick to your guns!

Yeah my DHs ex is the same and she would relish the opportunity to grandstand at his funeral and probably try to get her place through their DC. My answer would be "no chance" and I wouldn't be afraid to say it either.

Well, he opted to discuss this on the phone, rather than in person, which is less than ideal. It's very different when you can't see someone's facial expressions, body language etc.

He thought that we should just tell some of the 30 guests invited that they're not allowed at all. He thinks it's all down to me and not the family, and that they all think it's fine (they should have heard his brother on the phone last night lol, he'd soon know different).

He said I was "hijacking" his father's funeral and being disrespectful, and that I had no idea what his father would want. I'm the one that held DP while he sobbed his heart out, reliving and relating some of the awful things that she had done to him. He disclosed a lot of stuff to me years before they finally split.

And to add to the misery, he's now phoning each of them in turn to discuss it. I tried to remind him that they are also grieving, but got nowhere.

I'm fucking pissed off now.

I think I'd be telling your dss that if he cannot be respectful to the family then he won't be attending either!

If I was divorced from my DH and he died, I would want to go to the funeral to support my sons who will be devastated.

Why does what you want get to trump his son's wishes? Were you married?

I'm afraid I think DSS should have more of a say if his mother comes to his father's funeral than you. I would let her come to the funeral but definitely not invited to the wake. He only has one father.

My DH's ex came to his funeral and his whole family were outraged - she had treated him awfully and they all loathed her. I couldn't be dealing with the way she tried to make it all about her either (weeping and wailing about how guilty she felt) but just ignored it. Strangely enough even her own kids didn't bother with her on the day because they were dealing with their grief and supporting me and their little brother. I imagine it felt odd for her but I didn't want to stop anyone coming who wanted to be there - this was pre Covid though so no limitation on numbers.

@LakieLady

Ignore the goady posters.

It's a shame he thinks 'being fair' only extends to his mother & not everyone else involved in his fathers life.

Yes I'd be sad not to go to my Ex's funeral BUT I haven't spent my life acting like a complete bitch to him.

You have every right to say 'no'. She can find her own way to say 'good bye'. Are you live streaming? (Not as ghastly as it sounds) for people who can't be there? If so, my compromise would be to allow her to sign into that. But she would NOT be attending in person.

Hopefully the rest of the family will show him it's not just you that doesn't want her there.

Oh Lakie, you so don’t need this. Hopefully all the people he’s contacting aren’t the anything for a quiet life type. I’m so very sorry.

Can you get his brother to talk to him? It sounds like he might give him some straight talk and is probably in the best position to tell him what their father would or would not have wanted.

@mogloveseggs
I think I'd be telling your dss that if he cannot be respectful to the family then he won't be attending either!

As stupid a comment as hopefully we will see on this thread.

This is your DSS father. His wishes need to take priority.
She may behaviour badly, and I am afraid that is out of your hands, but to say she wouldn't make the cut because of history between you two, makes you look wicked and vindictive.
I am sorry I agree with your DSS, you are hijacking the funeral to control and punish ppl.
You risk a huge falling out with your attitude.

I really wouldn't want to go to my ex husbands funeral if my kids were adults they could go by themselves i would only go if my child needed me not because I felt I had the right to be there

Who's funeral is it? This wasn't clear in the OP

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@mogloveseggs
I think I'd be telling your dss that if he cannot be respectful to the family then he won't be attending either!

As stupid a comment as hopefully we will see on this thread.

This is your DSS father. His wishes need to take priority.
She may behaviour badly, and I am afraid that is out of your hands, but to say she wouldn't make the cut because of history between you two, makes you look wicked and vindictive.
I am sorry I agree with your DSS, you are hijacking the funeral to control and punish ppl.
You risk a huge falling out with your attitude.[/quote]
Umm the deceased did not wish her on the same planet as him pretty sure he wouldn't want her at his funeral

to say she wouldn't make the cut because of history between you two, makes you look wicked and vindictive

You haven’t RTFT, have you? It’s not pp who has history with her. The ex abused her partner - you know, the guy whose funeral it is.

@mogloveseggs

I think I'd be telling your dss that if he cannot be respectful to the family then he won't be attending either!

OP has zero right to ban DSS from presumably his own father's funeral! WTF?!

I completely disagree with the posters saying that the mother needs to attend for your DSS's sake.

The fact that he called you suggests he is not a young child. The fact he is able to ring around the rest of the family to manipulate the situation, shows he is more than capable of supporting himself at the funeral.

There are many other people at the funeral who will be able to give him a hug and get him through the event. The ex does not need to be one of them.

If my DP died and my DSS's DM wanted to attend, I would ensure that there was no way on earth that woman got through the door. She caused him so much grief; false accusations, preventing contact. I am more than capable of supporting my DSS, as is the rest of DP's family.

What a difficult situation.

It's a shame you couldn't have a proper chat about it- but of course feelings are raw on all sides.

You are grieving, he is grieving.

Did you ask why he wants her there? If he'd said 'because she wants to come' that would have given an easy out- 'but your dad doesn't want her there'.

Was there an opportunity to talk with your DP before he died, to make plans?

I'm sorry it's all gone wrong.

makes a note to specifically state as an addendum to my will that my exH is specifically NOT to attend my funeral, whatever DCs say. My funeral, my decision

I'm sorry for your loss .

Could you ask your dh's brother, if he would explain the numbers and that it's inappropriate instead of you having the conversation?

Otherwise keep your cool, say I understand your need for your dm, but you need to accept not all feel this way and with the limited numbers this is how it's going to be.
Best of luck.

Can the funeral be Zoomed/Skyped/Webcast/Whatever?

As a compromise could you say because of numbers / people already she can’t come but offer this?

I’m so sorry this is happening, and so sorry for your loss.

If Dss has a brother then surely he can intervene