DSS wants DP's abusive ex at the funeral

[LakieLady]

DSS is coming here tomorrow to discuss what needs doing and who's doing what.

He sent me a text today saying that he's decided he wants his mother, DP's ex, at the funeral. They split up 13 years ago.

She was emotionally, financially and physically abusive and describes herself as a functioning alcoholic. She regularly sent abusive and goady texts late at night. I changed my number, but she carried on sending them to DP now and again.

DSS thinks it's "not fair" to prevent her paying her respects. She was never "fair" and never showed him any respect in life. DSS thinks his dad would have wanted her there. I know his dad didn't even like sharing a planet with her, let alone have her come to his funeral.

MIL doesn't want her there, but also doesn't want to risk alienating her grandson. The rest of DP's family are horrified at the prospect of her being there, DP was incredibly damaged by what he went through, and would really struggle with her being there. And so would I.

DSS is still close to his ex, the mother of DGD and she will be there to support him.

Thankfully, Covid is on our side here, as there are already 35 people who want to come and many more we haven't heard back from, so maybe it's easily resolved by lack of numbers. We only want people who loved him, cared about him and didn't hurt him to be there when we say our goodbyes.

So tomorrow I am going to have to have a very difficult conversation with him, which I am dreading. I'm going to treat it like a drama audition and am getting into character: that of a calm, caring person who isn't on the brink of losing it completely.

Please send waves of self-control and tact my way tomorrow. When I read his text I nearly blew a gasket.

Such a horrible situation to be put in. It looks as if the ex hasn’t changed much. My inclination would be to attend, speak only to those members of the family who are also appalled and completely blank the stepson and his mother. I’d behave as if they don’t exist, I wouldn’t even look at them.

I’m not having a go at you @LakieLady, but this thread should be shown to everyone who says marriage is just a piece of paper.

You'll have to suck it up I'm afraid. As a girlfriend you have no rights at all. His son is legally able to do everything. He can even drop you from the numbers of people allowed at the funeral. My friend's DP died suddenly and 20 years of being together meant nothing. His son went to their house and cleaned out everything and anything that he thought belonged to his DF. The car, every penny in cash and anything he decided that his DF had paid for. I'm so sorry for your loss. This makes it even harder for you.

I think the wishes of everyone need to be considered equally. Who is the next of kin, and who is making the arrangements.?

No will! Do you own property with your late DP oP?

I'm so sorry to hear that, OP. What a blow.

A difficult situation in the best of times, now made particularly awful by CV19.

I hope you and the rest of his family are able to find some peace, however the arrangements pan out.

@Helpmylecreuset

No will! Do you own property with your late DP oP?

Yes, but it's held as joint tenants, so is all mine now!

I suppose at some point I'll have to get his name removed at the Land Registry, and on our joint account.

@Alexandernevermind, DSS is next of kin.

He was happy for me to make the arrangements, in consultation with him, MIL and DPs siblings, until his mother started poking her nose in.

She hates DPs family with a vengeance.

Fies that mean it goes direct to you or could he have a claim on the house?

Joint tenants effectively means you both own the whole house so it passes automatically to the survivor. No will needed. If they were tenants in common, half would go into the estate to be distributed according to the will or intestacy rules.

Thank goodness your home is safe.

He's just lost his dad and he wants his mum at the funeral. I can understand that. He may be a grown man but he's grieving just now.

I know it's not always a popular opinion on MN but for me, kids trump partners. Always. Regardless of age. Even more so when those partners are not married. There's not really a "softly, softly" way to say this I'm afraid: you don't have any right to tell your partner's son who he can/cannot invite to his own father's funeral. He is next of kin. If your partner's family have objections then they are free to voice them, as you have voiced yours, but this funeral should have been arranged by his son from the start.

The funeral will be next Weds at 4pm.

I emailed DSS the list, complied by me and DP's siblings, of all the old school friends etc who'd like to come. Almost immediately, I got a snottygram back saying "Who's this Joe Bloggs, I don't know him, I've never heard of him, why is he on the list?"

It was my brother. DP and my brother were like twins separated at birth, they got on so well.

This isn’t an appropriate thread to tell you how deeply unpleasant you are @IWantT0BreakFree.

If I were you @LakieLady, I’d bow out completely and ask your partner’s siblings to deal with him. It sounds as if he’s just being spiteful now.

If your DP's family are already considering not going now (because your DP's ex may be there), then perhaps it might be worth you considering missing this ceremony and organising a separate memorial ceremony at a slightly later date instead?

That way you could have a proper memorial of your choosing, with all the people DP actually wanted to be there (and none of the ones he didn't). There are probably going to be a lot of this type of memorial service in the near future, because of all the people who had to have funerals during Covid when numbers were severely restricted. So it's not like it would be the only one. Also it's quite likely you would be alliwed more guests at that point.

Might be worth raising this possibility with DP's family. They might prefer that option so that they can spend their time actually remembering your DP instead of worrying what his psycho ex might do.

Up to you whether you wanted to invite DSS to it or not... sounds like he is a troublemaking arse and he will already have had his "look at me, I'm next of kin" ceremony.

And there's no reason why anyone couldn't opt to go to both!

*if they're invited

I would bow out totally at this point is he even allowing you to go?

Nowhere in the op does it say the son wants his dm there for support. He is reporting that SHE wants to pay her respects. Theres a difference. This is about the ex, not the grieving son.

I'm going to go against the grain,

But what we have here is a child planning to attend his father's funeral, who wants his mother's support.

I'd find space for her, no matter how horrible she is.

Nowhere in the op does it say the son wants his dm there for support. He is reporting that SHE wants to pay her respects. Theres a difference. This is about the ex, not the grieving son

It is the grieving son making the request. I think OP would be wrong to assume that he does not want his remaining parent there or to dissect the language of his request.

Sorry for your loss op

I would just let dss have his dm there. That could be his plus one. If you are letting other people have a wife or partner there. Make him responsible for her to make sure there are no drama happening.

Oh, OP, I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry for all the pain this situation must be causing too.

My advice is really: least said, soonest mended. If you otherwise have had a good relationship with your DSS over the years, I would try to avoid irrevocable damage to that by digging your heels in or escalating this now, while grief is so raw and tensions are running high.

I’m in what seems to be a minority in thinking the grieving child’s needs trump the grieving partner’s (I would think this regardless of marriage btw!), but mostly I think the funeral feels all-important at the time but months and years later, it’s not so much. If you can step back and let DP’s other relatives engage, and you just decide whether or not to attend (I think I would...), I think that would be the kindest thing to yourself and to DSS.

Sadly these situations bring out the rock dwellers. Ask those that care if they'd like to come to your memorial to him at a later date and let yourself be a passenger to this event. My heart goes out to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You could into this awful day knowing that you spent 10 years with a man who loves you, you loved him and have each other the nest years of each other's lives.

XW may well attend however you know as does every person there, including your DSS that XW was an abusive alcoholic who made your darling DP's life a misery and her presence matters naught to the love and life your DP shared with you and his family.

Grieve with those who loved your DP too and know that even if XW is there, she's not celebrating a life well loved, she's an attention seeking bitch who has manipulated her way into farewelling a man who despised her.

DSS knows this too; it's that he's left behind to deal with her after all this and maybe for him, it easier to allow his mother to attend than deal with drunk rants and emotional punishments for the next many years.

I know when my partner passes, his children will be the same as your DSS. It's the fallout of having an alcoholic parent; always trying to please the addict, manage their behaviour and avoid conflict. It doesn't make it right but this isn't DSS doing this to hurt you, but to people please his alcoholic mother rather than set healthy boundaries around behaviour.1

Much love to you.

As others have said if he organises it - he pays. Maybe that will put him off. I really feel for you - what a horrible situation.