Toddler in hospital. Need a handhold.

[sobsanta]

DD is 2 and has been ill for about four days with what we presumed to be a heavy cold. She hasn't slept much and today took a turn for the worse where we had to call an ambulance due to her breathing being laboured while sleeping and sucking in under the ribs with every breath. Paramedics think some kind of upper respiratory infection as her chest appears clear. Epiglottitis was mentioned or possibly severe tonsillitis but they didn't want to check her mouth at home in case it panicked her.

DH went to the hospital with her as he's calm and collected and only one parent is allowed due to coronavirus restrictions. She's a daddy's girl anyway so she'll feel safe with him but I'm kicking myself that I can't be with them both. Haven't heard anything yet and they've been gone about an hour.

Am terrified and need distraction as I know there's nothing I can do and she's with the best people.

Message from MNHQ: Please note, very sad update further down the thread

I am so sorry for your loss

The photo in the news article is gorgeous and so full of love.
I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing

How are your older daughters doing?

DD's are oddly fine. It's shock for all of us right now. It doesn't feel real. We don't have a cause of death, we don't have her body, we have no date for the funeral etc - we just can't cry and we can't sleep. This limbo is terrifying. It's all so uncertain and completely uncharted territory. We're taking it minute by minute most days but it feels odd.

Counselling will be arranged for DD's beginning next week. Trying to get them in early so a professional can help navigate the impending grief.

So glad there’s counselling being put in place.

When will you hear back from the autopsy report and be able to arrange a date for her funeral?

Have you decided on a churchyard burial or a woodland / natural burial ground for her?

@sobsanta

Letting DH sleep for now. I'm ok watching mindless tv for now and DH doesn't function as well without sleep so I know I'll need him tomorrow.

I'm finding myself annoyed about little things. Like how it's £1500 to buy the deeds to her plot so DH and I can someday be buried with her. It's an expense we're willing to pay from the sheer generosity of people who have donated to the funding page but it's outrageous. The funeral director says it raises every few years so while we may not want to buy it now, we'd need to in future anyway at a higher cost. I don't know why that's stressing me of all the things but of course it is.

That's just awful and so upsetting to be being told things about money and trivial nonsense when you are trying to keep yourselves in one piece emotionally. That's so great you've organised counselling to help your other DDs. You are a wonderful mother.

OP,
I remember reading your title and I pinned this thread to comment on later as I was in hospital with my 2yo DC. We'd been there for weeks and I wanted to post as we could relate.
But now, we can't relate. You are going through absolute hell, I can't even begin to imagine the physical pain. I just can't. I am so incredibly sorry. And I'm so sorry it took this long to check the thread.
I have no words, nothing that will make this better for you. Why is life so cruel. It's just not fair.
Looking at her photos, she's just beautiful. I showed my dc and she began smiling back.
Please be kind to yourself. Take all the time you need to heal. MN is always hear to listen. Any memories, no matter how small, please share, it's the little things. She would have just been coming into her own.

I'm so sorry OP.

I will keep reading and thinking of you. X

@Onedropbeat The coroner said we should hear something by the middle to end of next week. Once she's back in the funeral directors care they can set a date which may be the beginning of December right now as my birthday is the 23rd November and my DD will be ten on the 28th so I want to avoid tainting that for her.

We're trying to plan something special for her birthday so she knows she's still important. It's so difficult with everything going on including the pandemic but we need her to know she's allowed to celebrate her own day too.

We've decided on a church yard burial just because it's local. My sister and DN were so close to her too and they don't drive so we wanted somewhere easy to get to when everyone needs to visit her. It's a huge cemetery about a ten minute drive from us and has beautiful scenery. She won't be alone. We're going to plant a lovely garden on her grave in the spring.

That sounds lovely

Sorry your birthday and your daughters is all in the midst of this

How are your thoughts today?
Did you manage much sleep at all?

I'm glad she'll never be too far away from you all, sobsanta.
I hope you don't mind me saying that Wyatt and your elder two have the best mum. It just shows in all your posts.

Sobsanta, you, your DH, older girls and of course beautiful little Wyatt are all constantly in my thoughts. xx

I have no words. I'm so so sorry. Praying for your family.

Only just saw this thread , I can not even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

Such a dear , beautiful little girl.

I am so sorry

I am so incredibly sorry to read this 😭
I'm sorry you're living through this. Sending you so much love & thinking of your family 💗💐💐💐

sobsanta

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have only just come across your thread.
I just wanted to say please don't rush your funeral arrangements.
When I lost my son it took me 4 weeks to arrange his funeral.
Like you, I had to wait for the coroner to release him, which took about 10 days, then there were so many other things to consider.
You need time, because you will want to get it right, for you and for your family.
I remember saying to DH that this was the last thing I could do for my beloved child and I had to do the very best I could.
There is nothing that comes close to the pain and grief of losing a child.
There are so many of us here, on this board, we care about you and your family.

I was another person very willing to donate to the fundraiser that your friend set up and am glad to hear its helping towards funeral costs and deed expenses. Not surprised you are angry to have to pay so much for a tragedy.

I'm not a million miles from you in Cardiff, and am often in Newport for work.
You and your family are strangers, but through your words and photos I see your pain.
I hope you can plan a lovely birthday for your daughter. I hope also that you get some answers from the autopsy.

@sobsanta I don’t know what to say other than that I am so sorry to read this. I have a 2 year old myself and I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling and coping with the loss of Wyatt. I am heartbroken for you all 😢

If it would be of any help to you at all, I am a Graphic Designer and design order of services. I recently did one for my darling Dad who we unexpectedly lost to Sepsis.

If you need one for the funeral I would happily design this for you free of charge in honour of Wyatt’s memory. My Dads had lots of photos on it as we wanted to have our special memories and I wanted it to be right for him and to reflect him as a person and the things he liked. Lots of love and hugs to you all x

Hope you are doing ok op. I know you probably aren't but make sure you take care of yourself and your 2 DD, DH too
The frozen song sounds perfect, we love that song here

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. She sounded like a beautiful little girl. Sending love and hugs

OP I don't have personal experience of losing a loved one in such a sudden and tragic way, but I believe it is completely normal to have this numbness. It is just your brains way of protecting you, it won't let you feel all the pain at once. The numbness must be surreal, but it is a necessary process. I follow some parent vloggers (trashy TV guilty pleasure) and one American teen mum very sadly lost her husband to suicide recently. Her video telling the story recieved over 10 million views so she has had a lot of media attention and probably feels some pressure to grieve a publicly. She posted an update this week with how she is coping and she talks a lot about this numbness that has really thrown her, how she never imagined that this would be what a traumatic grieving process would be like for her, but it really makes sense in such a tragic situation, it is a defense mechanism.

I am so sorry op I can't imagine what you are going through my thoughts are with you ❤️

Doctor prescribed Zolpidem. I napped for an hour and am now awake again. I'm not entirely sure why but I can't fall asleep. It's like my mind and body are computers and doing the whirring but the computer monitor is off (my feelings).

I hope this numbness goes away soon. I managed to cry to the Children In Need single in the car but I look at her photos and my brain just doesn't register the pain. I can feel the emptiness in my chest but no pain or grief or real registering of loss. It's so odd.

Numbness is a normal way of grieving:

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-mourning-after/201906/numbed-out-when-feelings-freeze-after-bereavement%3famp

Hard as it is, try and let your brain do what it needs to do to process this at its own pace.

Maybe get up and watch some boring TV- you might be more likely to drop off on the sofa.

How’s your husband doing OP?

Is he getting any support? There might be some trauma there from being the one next to her

You sound amazing and like a proper super woman and fantastic loving and strong mother.

I’m so sorry for you loss, words don’t cut it but I couldn’t not comment