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Original poster

My husband has died

973 replies

peachgreen · 28/10/2020 21:45

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

OP posts:
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Original poster
peachgreen · 01/11/2020 15:12

In the moment when he passed, he was secure in the knowledge that you and your daughter would be there for each other.

I hope this more than anything. When he was in ICU he thought he was going to die at one point and he said he was so heartbroken to think he wouldn't see us again. I just pray that if he knew that he was going to die he was at peace.

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 01/11/2020 15:21

Your daughter needs you. Please just crawl through the fog until it clears a bit.

And it will. Good luck x

Identitytheftisnotajoke · 01/11/2020 15:26

I'm really glad you're able to get these thoughts out and to share them here @peachgreen. Keep talking if it's helpful, keep accepting the support of those around you and keep going for your gorgeous little girl. As another poster said, Mike chose you to be the mother of his child and he did that for a reason. You are a wonderful mum and you will raise your dd to know how wonderful her dad was. Keep going one moment at a time.

93939596867ekd · 01/11/2020 15:27

Words can't express my sorrow for you and beautiful Lyla.

I'm glad you have somewhere to say the things you need to say.

You mentioned having asked for medical help - that is so brave and absolutely the right thing to do. In light of the anguish you're going through, do you think it would be possible to request a visit from the community crisis team via the out-of-hours GP? If you were to say the word to your caring family, I'm sure they could make that call and take care of it for you.

You're clearly doing your very best in overwhelming and tragic circumstances. The crisis team is there for times like these - the moments when things are just too hard. I would like to think that you have that support and are under their care for the moments when things seem particularly unbearable. This is too much to cope with alone.

Wishing you very much love. Please PM me if you ever want to.xxx

Siw2020 · 01/11/2020 15:40

I don't know anything about you but have read all your posts OP and cried several times through this thread. I am so very sorry. Sending lots of love and good wishes to you and Lyla.

Marmunia1975 · 01/11/2020 15:44

We are all here for you. Thinking of you and praying you will get through this difficult time. Hug your little baby.

Squiffany · 01/11/2020 16:12

@peachgreen

If you don't feel you can tell people your thoughts in rl, it's ok to keep writing them here if it helps to relieve the pressure. We can help you, keep talking.

MrsBobDylan · 01/11/2020 16:15

I remember your thread where Mike was in hospital. What struck a chord with me was your complete devotion to him and how much he loved and adored you.

Just try to get through each moment, you must be in excruciating pain and it will take all your energy just to see each minute pass.

I am so, so sorry, you deserved to be together to live your love story with your daughter for years to come.

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2020 17:17

It’s OK, peach, to say what you need to say. Feeling like you wish you could die (because you believe it will allow you to see Mike, because you want the pain and grief to go away) is understandable. But you must not act on that. Feeling this way is a feeling. A deeply frightening feeling, but feelings can pass. If your thoughts turn more concrete, please tell your supportive, loving friends and family. I agree that short-term medication will help you enormously.

Keep talking, keep feeling. Flowers

Caroncanta · 01/11/2020 17:34

Peach, it's fine for you to say those things here. It's good for you to be able to say it if that's how you're feeling Flowers

BrutusMcDogface · 01/11/2020 17:37

Gosh, peachgreen, well done for asking for medical help. Do you know how strong that is?

I also agree- keep spilling your thoughts and feelings here. You’re right that we aren’t your family/loved ones so we can take it. We are here for you.

DuzzyFuck · 01/11/2020 17:37

If it helps you to keep putting those thoughts here just to get them out of your head and into the air, then please do.

I had a difficult time a few years ago and would never have been able to pick up the phone to a friend or relative and say 'I'm not ok', but I could say it to strangers on a forum like this one, and I received some wonderful support that goes on to a lesser degree to this day. People won't just forget and stop caring Peach, I promise x

Original poster
peachgreen · 01/11/2020 17:45

Thank you all so much. I go through stages, it really comes in waves. Sometimes I'm okay, thinking I can cope with a future without him in it. Other times I know for sure that I can't and I just wish I could die. It's such a rollercoaster. I'm so desperate to just feel better. But of course I can't and I won't. He was really the only person who could ever calm me and keep me steady. He was such a steady person, so positive, he really lived for the moment. He would be the first to tell me to take things a day at a time. But it's so, so hard. I don't even know where I'll live. My family and his are in different countries so I have to decide whether to stay here with them or go home to my parents. And all of these decisions I have to make alone. Without him and his beautiful warmth and his kindness and his grace.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachgreen · 01/11/2020 17:48

@93939596867ekd I've been referred to the crisis team and I am going to ask for a home visit when they get in touch I think. I was treated by them when I had PND and they were wonderful. My family are scared that if I'm honest with them they'll take my daughter away.

OP posts:
Words · 01/11/2020 17:58

Peach - they won't take her away Peach.

Just bear in mind those around you are also in grief and shock and possibly not thinking rationally.
This is why posting on here is so sensible.

I am so glad they are coming out to you love. You need that extra support from outwith your close family.

Words · 01/11/2020 17:58

Sorry for the repetition there.

LimeLemonOrange · 01/11/2020 18:00

I'm glad you've been referred to the crisis team, and that's great that you have family support.

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially given the close and special nature of your relationship, and also with him being the person in your life who would best help you get through a crisis.

Those things you said in your recent post, that - 'he would be the first tell me to take things a day at a time' - keep that thought in your mind and heart as much as you possibly can. As the days, weeks, months and years pass it will get gradually easier for you to care for yourself and steady yourself and encourage yourself the way he would have done.

And keep talking to us, whatever you're feeling, for however long you need to. I'm sure every single one of us on this thread wants to come and give you a hug and look after you.

JanBabiesBrummyMummy · 01/11/2020 18:01

I'm glad they're coming to see you, I think their support will be really helpful. I'm sure they wouldn't take your daughter from you. If you're not honest with them, they can't give you the right help and support. Wishing you a restful evening ThanksThanks

halloweenagain · 01/11/2020 18:15

OP as a child protection social worker I wanted to say please don't worry about them taking your dd away. No professionals are going to be trying to remove your child they want to support you both.

93939596867ekd · 01/11/2020 18:24

peach

I can understand why your family feel that way but it will not happen. I have experience of this. That is not how they work. Their priority will be helping you through this awful time. I've seen them offer genuinely helpful support - taking Lyla from your care would be nowhere on their radar. If you are able to be frank, you'll have access to all the help they can offer. I have such respect for you reaching out at this time when there are competing urges within you and fears to add to your despair. This is definitely the right thing to do.xx

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2020 18:41

They don’t want to take your DD away. They will see you have amazing family support and look to make sure they can give you more support so you can feel better and be the wonderful mother your daughter knows you are. Be honest, don’t worry.

plominoagain · 01/11/2020 20:11

Oh peach, please try not to worry ( easy to say , I know ). I work with a lot of child welfare agencies , and their overwhelming aim is to support people so they can get through , not to punish them for whatever happens in their lives , by taking their children away . Asking for help is a massively brave step, and even that act in itself will be viewed in a positive light . I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t be struggling right now in your awful situation, but I can think of plenty who wouldn’t ask for help .

Pebbledashery · 01/11/2020 21:58

Peach.. I've not been in awe of anyone for a long time as much as you. You're doing everything you can to be a good mother whose grieving so uncontrollably for the loss of your beautiful Mike. I said it earlier. But I'll say it again. We're all so proud of you. And I am pretty sure at some point Mike will be shining down onto you and Lyla and will be thinking "that's my girls" xxx

Marypoppinsagain · 01/11/2020 22:46

There are so many things that shine through for me in this thread. How wonderful you didn't waste any time moving in together. How lovely that Mike came home from hospital and you had that time together when I'm sure neither of you were in any doubt about your love for each other. It's clear he adored you both and I'm sure you can hear him telling you to be strong for Lyla. Think back to his words when you were struggling after Lyla, he would be saying these again.

Understandably you're thinking about the future but these things have a habit of working themselves out. Eventually you will know where you should settle to live - it's just too difficult to think about right now.
I can feel exactly what you mean about feeling safe with Mike but you will feel like that again. Lyla will grow to be a friend to you and her presence will make you feel safe - just give it time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/11/2020 22:54

They absolutely would NOT want to take your daughter away - they know that would create far more trauma in both her and yourself, and they don't want to do that at all.
They will try to support you if you're having troubles coping but they won't separate you.

I'm glad you've asked for help - sometimes short term medical intervention IS needed to get through the worst of it, and that's fine. If you'd sprained your ankle, you'd need a crutch until you could walk again - this is the same sort of thing.

As to where you go - well, that largely depends on how well you get on with your ILs and how much support they'll be to you and Lyla - if you think you'd get more support (I mean genuinely think it, not hope it) from your own family then probably better to go back - but write a pros and cons list LATER when you're not in such depths of shock and pain. There's no hurry.

And yes to keep writing down your darkest thoughts here - that's what we're here for, as a sounding board, connections with people who don't know you in RL and can give more impartial advice and support. OF course we still care about you - but we don't know you like RL people do.

Hang in there lovely - hug Lyla close. xxx