My husband has died

[peachgreen]

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

Peach, I, along with many, many others on this thread I’m sure are thinking about you a lot. Every time I come on this thread I cry, it really is just all so unbelievably sad, your pain and anguish is so palpable.

But please, I urge you if you haven’t already to go to your GP and see if they can give you anything to calm you. All this talk of ending your life is understandable (and I’ve got to be honest, I’d feel exactly the same as you I think) but it’s really worrying. The devastation it would cause is unthinkable. Your parent’s losing a daughter and your own daughter losing the only parent she has left and becoming an orphan.

I know it’s the grief talking and your mind is just completely and utterly blown apart right now, but I think if help is available be it chemical, counselling , whatever it is worth taking. You need help with this, you need help to find your way out of this dark, dark place.

Honestly, my heart just bloody breaks for you, but I agree with others, this WILL get easier. Not now, not in the short term even but in 5 years time I’d put money on the fact you’ll be glad you’re still here and glad you’ve seen your daughter reach the age of 7.

Just the fact you took her out for Halloween last night proves that actually, you CAN be strong, you CAN put one foot in front of the other.

Thinking of you a lot

Oh OP I am so sorry to read this. I can feel your pain in your posts.

I don't know what to say to help you but your DD doesn't want anyone else in the whole world to look after her rather than you.

We are all here with you.

One breath at a time Peach, one foot in front of the other. Lyla will always need you. You are her connection to her daddy. It's too early to think too far ahead, just concentrate on getting through each moment.
Sending you love x

OP I am so so very sorry for your terrible loss and for the pain you are going through. Your pictures are beautiful and I can see the love through those pictures.

Your grief is heartbreaking to read but I am so very worried about you. Your precious daughter needs you, and life is cruel, awfully awfully cruel, and unfair but your daughter needs her mum. Your family need you, it would be such a terrible loss for you to also die. You can keep your husbands memory alive through your daughter.

I haven’t lost my husband, but my mother in law has and over the last year she has very slowly been able to go out again, meet with friends, laugh. You will get through this, second by second and over time the pain will lessen, it will x

OP.. I just want you to know... We're all so proud of you 😘😘

@peachgreen

But if I left she could be looked after by someone who isn't completely broken. In a proper family, a whole family. Not by a shell of a person who will never be happy.

Peach I had two friends who each lost a parent when they were small.

Both of them were brought up by the remaining parent and both would much much rather have had that one parent than anyone else in the whole world, even taking into account the early days (and later days) when life was filled with sadness and tears and days/weeks when nobody got out of bed. They'd still choose their one parent over any other family.

Having one parent who loves you unconditionally (enough for two parents) is 1000 times better than having neither.

If I loved her unconditionally I wouldn't want to leave her

You are the very centre of her universe peach. She loves you so much.

You are in the midst of a deep trauma, so you cannot judge how you feel now on normal terms, my love.

Be gentle with yourself and lean on people close to you. As others have said, just a minute at a time for now.

Oh love, your pain is heartbreaking. You need to find the strength to dig deep and get through this for your daughter. With support, you will overcome the feeling of being a broken woman. You will be whole again. Mike will be waiting for you, but for now, you NEED to stay here for your lovely girl xx

You do Peach, but at the moment you're so utterly engulfed by your grief for Mike that everything else you feel is numbed. That's completely understandable.

Over time the balance will start to restore. The pain won't go away completely but it will start to make room for other feelings too. You will feel that love for your daughter. You'll be angry at something completely unrelated to your grief. You'll hear a joke and laugh without thinking. It will come, just not yet. And none of that means you feel any less for Mike.

Please keep going, one tiny step at a time and remember how much she needs you x

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know there are no words that will help. I lost my first husband. Lots of love to you and your daughter.

You're in shock. You want the pain to go away. It's nothing to do with how much you love your daughter. Don't torture yourself with even more painful thoughts. Just get through the days/hours/minutes, it is the worst time and the worst feeling. It will take time. But it's too soon for you to think clearly. A sudden death is the worst kind of shock. It's normal for you to feel like this. Not that knowing that helps of course. Focus on basics only. Just getting up is an achievement.

She deserves better

I'm. Sorry. I know I shouldn't be saying these things. Please don't worry, I'm never alone at the moment so I can't do anything.

You are still very much in my prayers and during our All Souls Memorial Service this morning your Mike was one of the people I thought about.
The pictures you posted are beautiful, like your love for him and his for you and Lyla x

I'm crap at advice but I will say that maybe now isn't the best time to be making major decisions - like a house move, a job change etc. After a major trauma I was fairly sure I wanted to divorce DH but it was just the trauma and it passed.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is please don't make any decisions in haste. My love to you and Lyla.

There is nobody better for her than her Mum peach. There really isn't x

Please see your GP (get someone else to make an appointment if it's too much). Short term medication can truly help at this time, bit like a reset button for your overwhemed brain and body. It can help you sleep.

In the moment when he passed, he was secure in the knowledge that you and your daughter would be there for each other.

Mike chose you to be the mother of his child. He knew that you would do a good job, even if you can't see that for yourself right now. Trust Mike's instinct. He believed in you.

Lyla loves you unconditionally , you're her rock. She's part of Mike and part of you , I know it's a cliche but part of him lives on in her and you are actually strong enough to look after her even though you may not think so right now.

Hello OP, we know we've popped on the thread before with a couple of links we thought might be useful. We hope you don't mind, but we wanted to share some more resources that we know others have found really helpful. Here is a link to our full list of Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Very best wishes from all of us here and take care.

But if I left she could be looked after by someone who isn't completely broken. In a proper family, a whole family. Not by a shell of a person who will never be happy

If you weren't here she'd be reeling with the death of both her parents. You feel like a shell of a person now, that's understandable. I did too. It was a journey out of that to feel that my life had any worth. Going to counselling helped. Both for me and for the kiddies. But I promise you that you won't always feel like this. Life will begin to have meaning again. You will be happy again, I promise that you will. Just hang in there, one day at a time. See the doctor and take anti depressants if you need to. Talk to people in the same situation as you. Has your WAY membership come through yet? Do whatever it takes to get you safely through this first stage.

I'm so sorry everyone. I shouldn't post those thoughts. They're just so overwhelming and sometimes if I get them out it helps numb them. I guess if I was going to do anything I wouldn't be posting about it, if that makes sense. And MNHQ are right - I don't want anyone to distress themselves supporting me. I do have lots of support in real life, it's just sometimes easier to say the really dark thoughts to people who don't love me, if you know what I mean. Also please know that I do not need or want anything financially from anyone. I know @carolinemumsnet's message wasn't focused on that but I would be heartbroken if anyone construed this as a begging thread.

I have asked for medical help and it will come, I'm sure.

I am so very sorry for your loss.