last weekend my grandmother passed away. It was unexpected and although she was elderly it has hit us hard. My mother was extremely close to her. Last year we also lost my dad. it was his bday the day before she grandma passed. So this is 2 deaths within a year.
I have been having a lot of guilt over my dads death, which I previously hadn't felt. we brought him home as there was nothing the hospital could do anymore. The nurse came to put him on a stream of medication and said it would take around 24 hours to feel comfortable and he may pass within a few days. That night I stayed up with him till 3am but then went to sleep in my room. We were all so exhausted as he was in hospital for 2 weeks and we were all staying over to be by his side. But in the few hours that myself and my mother were asleep he passed away.
my mum and I both keep saying we wish we hadn't gone to sleep that night and wanted to be by his side when he passed. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, I should have stayed with him, I regret it so much.
now my grandma has gone too and the last time I saw her was before the lockdown. my mum visited her every week but me less as I work full time in the week. What is the point of life? I don't have a core friends circle and seeing ppl so close to me pass just makes me think is this it? We work, have a holiday here and there, get married, have kids and basically just wait till we die?
Im struggling to be content because is this how it all ends. All the ppl left behind feeling guilty?
Me and mum have a great relationship but I can't help imagine that when she goes this whole vicious circle will start again. Am I normal to think this way? I've done counselling and speak a lot to my fiancé about this but is this just all life is??